Saturday, September 12, 2009

Emotional Ghosts

We had my sister and her boyfriend over for dinner the other night.
(a different story in itself)
It was at some point during the evening that she mentioned that she will be going to Disneyland...
with my brother and his girlfriend.

There was a passing wave of, "Really? No one invited me."
And then it was gone.
This was something familiar to me--my skin has become increasingly numb.
This morning, my sweet husband asked me,
"Does it bother you that your brother and sister are going to Disneyland for their birthdays and they didn't ask you?"
It's been sitting on my heart all day.

My husband didn't mean to hurt me.
In fact, he wasn't the one to hurt me at all.
I have become quite accustomed exclusion with my siblings.
It has been a heartache I have grown up with.
The bro and sis are 1 year and 1 week a part...exactly.
Practically twins, there was no room for the big sis.
I am not close with them....and it hurts me profoundly for so many indescribable reasons.

If you ask me, I sacrificed myself for them.
During my parents custody battle (the one over them, not me), I felt like I was their voice.
I nominated myself to be their protection.
My mom says that they learned from my sacrifice what they would never do.
They learned from me how not to be the sacrificial lamb.

There is no way to describe how my siblings and I don't relate.
I had a job at 16. I paid my own rent. I took out student loans. My step dad put the down payment on my first car, but I made the car payments until I owned it.
My siblings...well...that wasn't their life.
We are the only three who could ever know the hell we lived through and yet we are each other's enemies.
Raised to hate each other, to be each other's competition, to sell each other out to protect our self...we have nothing with each other.
Or, maybe it's really that I have nothing with them.

I recently heard that when my sister does get married, I will not even be asked to be a part of it despite the fact that she was my maid of honor--who didn't attend my showers (not bitter).
My brother had nowhere else to go after running away from home back in March--he ended up living with us for one month... in our two bedroom, one bathroom home.

I was not invited to Disneyland.
I am sad.
I could cry 27 years of tears that seem to sit inside me like a well just waiting for the emotional pennies to drop.
It's easier not to face it...even when it's in my face.

It won't be fixed tonight--or ever?
so I will choose to eat my soft taco from the hus' late night Taco Bell run.
This makes me smile.
I survive another emotional ghost and return to reality:
my life is more than absence of invitation.


  1. Wow, that is really a tough one! I would be hurt too that they didn't ask me to go. All I can say is, keep trying to mend the relationships, a lot of things change as people mature and get older, and maybe this will apply to your brother and sister in a positive way. And, family is worth making an effort for...even when it is really difficult!

    :) T

  2. I'm so sorry...that sounds like such a tough situation!!

  3. I completely and totally understand this situation! Completely. All I can say is to do your part and let them worry about theirs. Or you could show up at Disneyland on the same day with a big movie star and then make them feel sad that they weren't invited along...

  4. It does sound like a difficult situation~!

  5. Why is it soooo easy for loved ones to hurt eachother. I can totally relate. My situation is a little different, but the hurt, anger, bitterness, are all there.
    Praise the Lord you have your own awesome little family and your getting it right!

  6. yuck.
    I hate having hurt feelings and it seems to happen alot.
    I've gotten tougher though...
    and let me just tell you..
    I want to go to disneyland with you;-)

  7. This makes me sad...I'm with Kasey...let's go ;o)

  8. Sometimes I am sad taht I don't have a relationship with my brother, and then I remember how he was, how he probably still is today and I am comforted in some way. I don't know my sibling, I know the past and the hate and the awful things said and done...but I don't let that get in the way of who I am today or how I feel...they have their issues know who you are, and you know what you stand for, remember are wonderful.

  9. This doesn't take the hurt away, but I love you like you were my sister. If I was going to Disneyland, you would be the first person I wanted to share the day with (other than Sean of course). Your sister doesn't know what makes you laugh, but I do. Many times in our lives I feel like God says, "fine if you won't do it, I will find someone else who will." He found me. And I will. I will always be your sister, by choice. I love you to pieces friend ;-)