Plans Change

Here are some things I have always known about myself

• I like to write.  It's like therapy for me. My moment to clear my head, my heart, & my space. It's where I share uninterrupted, expect no one to really be listening & yet have no problem if people discover it because I am in control of what I put out there. I can't be a victim to what I write. 
• I love to experience the world. Put me on a plane, on a train, in a car, near or far, I want to see what's out there. I love feeling this big in a world that is so much bigger. I find my place in that, I find perspective in it: it's not about me, it's not about circumstance, it's not about an individual, it's about a whole! 
• I've got some serious cracks & some awesome intention to keep gluing them back together. I don't stay broken, I am defined by breaking, I am made by the attempts to try & to improve. 

So, given all of that, it hasn't surprised me that I have found my world uprooted from California and replanted in Oregon. Was it a lifelong dream? Nope. Was it on purpose? Not at first. Has it become a dream? Yah, in many ways it has. Has it developed a purpose? Yes. period. 

We had this plan. We would keep our jobs, keep our house, keep our son in preschool, keep the same friends and maintain the same life. Plans change. We lost our jobs, we were going to lose our house and we had this choice: stay put where doors were staying closed or be BOLD & dare to say, "We are moving north."

So, I think it was God's plan. Scratch that- I KNOW it was God's plan. Because when we said YES to something so terrifying, doors flew open. Do we have jobs yet? Oddly-no. But as it turns out, those are human perceptions of doors. God blew doors down for a place to live, a school for our sons to be a part of, a community for us to belong in, a church for us to find a home in, and friends to fill our hearts with. Did it take away the longing for the ocean we use to drive by, my dream fence my husband built or the ache for our friends, nuh-uh--we just happened to unfold. We found ourselves expanding. We now had new inlets to love and more outlets to pour from.

So we had this California plan but it changed into an Oregon one that looks strange, unfamiliar, and scary to those we put some miles between but if I could say anything to those who feel misplaced, confused, angry, or unhappy the change it would be this: Distance doesn't divide unless it's allowed to. Love doesn't stop unless it's withheld. Bonds don't break unless they are severed. Proximity doesn't change my love for you and that bond can be in the past or be a past, present AND future.

I'm God's Toddler

Writer's block is one way of putting my thought process into a phrase.
It's been MORE than what I can't get to come out of my fingers though, it's been what I can't get my heart to retain, my ears to hear & my will to obey. I have been utterly...defiant.

It's been quite a year. 2012 was ushered in with high hopes like most years are (no one starts them thinking, "I'm so excited for how much this is going to suck!") The months before it had their challenges but I was facing them, tackling them--I was down right conquering them! With a nearly-four year old & my 4 month old, I was facing getting healthy--emotionally, mentally, spiritually healthy. God was holding me & I was gripping him--He was my crutch and my guide through this place I was utterly and desperately alone in. That label "post partum depression" was a temporary tattoo on my wrist--I wouldn't allow it to be permanent. I would quite literally, survive it. I would very physically fight it. I would with every ounce of my core, I would emotionally face it.

10 months have come and gone & I hear whispers of God's voice now. I'm pretty sure what happened is what I tend to let happen--I ached for Him & needed Him and there He was, loving me loudly! He had me in his grasp and I wasn't going to let go...but then I got my feet on the ground. I saw myself in the mirror and I for the first time in my life could say, "I see myself! I'm strong! I did it! I am healthy!" I was PROUD of me (am proud of me!). In those moments, I slowly distanced myself from my NEED for him. I wasn't desperate anymore so I gave Him a hug and backed off a bit. He became a distant relative that I love, enjoy being with, but don't pursue daily...weekly...monthly...

Lay off...emergency appendectomy...another lay off...death...melanoma... the hits were coming now but I wasn't on my knees, I wasn't angry or yelling at God, I was just numb. I wasn't feeling like I had to survive & I stopped chasing Him. I could hear my heart saying, "go to Him" but then I'd tune out--I was resisting with excuses: I'm too busy. I'm too tired. If I had just an hour alone each day... The more I resisted & excused myself from the table with Him, the quieter He got & the louder the world got. The trivial things that are just a part of life became another check on the list of issues but I just wouldn't go to Him.

Why? Inside me I was letting lies mull & the scent filled my soul with a tale that I did not deserve His saving...again. I could hear my thoughts blister with failure as His daughter, feel the ache that I only went to Him in need, and the guilt that I was only here to burden Him. Last night, as I called out to my son to listen to me (for the third time!) I felt frustrated, "Why is my child choosing to ignore me?" but within minutes, I was kissing my child on his perfect nose and filling with awe because I love my son. In that flash, I felt it--that striking, stunning reminder, "I love you, daughter, even more than you love your own son!"

The numbness, resistance, & excuses are slowly subsiding. In one still, small moment His voice that hasn't stopped speaking broke through my avoidance: He loves me even when I ignore Him. He adores me even when I misbehave. I cherishes me even when He watches me making mistakes.

I need Him.

Creative Baby Gifts

My wee little baby is turning 1 on Saturday. I'm not sure where the time went, but it has been a wildly different experience with him than it was with my first son. I find that I'm not mourning the time passing but enjoying every second while I'm in it. I am excited to celebrate his first birthday this Saturday with a few friends and family members!

I don't know about you, but I find myself caught off guard when attending a 1-year old birthday party OR when I'm asked what my 1-year old "needs." If you find yourself in this stage of life, too, I thought I would throw together a list of a few fun options you may or may not have thought of yet!

3-Month Subscription to Bluum Box - $33

Each month, they will receive an exciting delivery from bluum, packed full of 4-5 deluxe samples for mom and baby

 

A Collection of Classic Children's Books:

The Runaway Bunny, Where the Wild Things Are, & Goodnight Moon to name a few.

A Bucket of his favorite snacks!

My son loves Plum Mish Mash Snacks & Fiddlesticks. Getting a bucket of those for on the go would be so fun for both of us!

Create an On-The-Go Kit!

A Clear Shoe Box or Drawstring bag with a back up outfit, a snack & a sippy cup are great for any mom on the go to make sure she has on hand!

And a few other idea?

-Two adult tickets for the parents to take their little one to a children's museum or zoo

-A Piggy Bank with a few dollars in it and a note for their savings or college account

-An embroidered towel

or

A Keepsake

Something sweet to hang in their room & be a reminder throughout the years!

The one is from Lisa Leonard Designs who often offers discounts on their products.

 

Anyway, I am excited just to be with my little love this Saturday and celebrate his big O-N-E.

He's a gift in himself and one that I will cherish always!

To Walk A Mile

This isn't a philosophical post by any means, I've just been lost in thought lately and struck by one of those quotes I feel like I can hear or say but I don't digest: 

"You can't judge a person until you walk a mile in their shoes."

I'm thirty now. How that happened I'm not sure, but it feels like a lot of life has been both lived and lost in three decades. It's now that I am a mom of two, married, facing life's beautiful and challenging realities that the depth of events is more impactful.

In the last year, I have been witness to four things that have forever changed my heart and my view of the stranger that stands next to me, the driver ahead of me, and/or the ones I hug & say I love you to. 

One of my dearest and most cherished friends lost her sister (also her best friend) in a tragic accident in Yosemite. Roe & Haley were inseparable. As my roommate in college for three years, Haley spent more time with us than most of the friends we had on campus. They were virtually inseparable and many of my funniest and special moments include Haley right beside us. Four days before my second son was born, I received the news that Haley was now an angel. 

I fell to the floor in disbelief and it took three long minutes before I found myself sobbing.

I wanted to RUN to Roe but I couldn't go anywhere.

I welcomed life while she said goodbye.

7/31/12 will be the one year anniversary of heaven receiving one of the most beautiful angels I will ever know.

Two months after my second son's birth, my aunt, a mother to three beautiful daughters under 21, lost her life.

She was a teacher to thousands that changed lives forever.

I looked at my cousins, 14-16-21, & I wondered: how were they going to do it?

I questioned how they were seemingly handling the grief so well.

The loss of her life was surreal for me.

I seemed to process both Aunt Jean and Haley at one memorial.

Two families I love would now forever be changed.

Through all of that loss, I was celebrating this beautiful baby boy who had come in and completed our family. I looked at him and cherished him. He was tiny, perfect, & so loved.

I saw him and how fragile life is.

I looked at him and saw every joy & every fear, every excitement & every anxiety.

This little boy was innocent, untouched by the world and I wanted to put him in his crib forever.

"Don't go anywhere, sweet boy. Stay here and I will make sure no harm touches you."

Most recently, my husband's family suffered an unbelievable loss as his 16 year old cousin was murdered. She went to get a soda and had no idea she would never go home.

A young Christian, star athlete, and member of the FFA, her impact on a small 700 population community rocked the state of Oklahoma.

She left behind a mother, father, sister & brother.

Yesterday, that sweet family from Oklahoma was visiting us in California.

While we walked with them on the beaches, I stared at all of the Summer vacationers that walked by. I looked at our family as people brushed passed them and was struck,

"They have no idea what kind of loss these people carry with them. If they knew, would it change how they looked at them?"

It made me look at everyone, lost in my own world of noise cancelling waves, I stared at people wondering, 

"what is your story? what have you celebrated and what have you survived?"

I brush past life daily getting lost in the mundane or the struggles forgetting to soak in the people instead of the stuff, forgetting to put aside exhaustion and routine for the spontaneous. Forgetting.

I wish I could say I would forever be changed by this moment of clarity but I know, I'll slip back into ME thinking about what's hurting and challenging ME,  what do I need, what do I want,  what am I hurting over instead of looking at the hearts of my neighbors, strangers, family & friends.

This world is a broken one. 

His heaven is a perfect one.

I just want to love on the journey HOME.

I talked to Monday

Hello, Monday!  I feel like resting in your vastness for a moment and linger here with you.  You know, for a day, you seem to carry a lot of mixed emotions. You're a new week which is fresh with a new beginning but depending on the journey, you feel old and heavy--something I want to cast aside. Today though, I'm just choosing to stay awake and build the new road. 

How do you feel, Monday? Does it feel burdensome that most people loathe your existence? Do you take it personally or do you realize it was just an unfortunate alignment that made you first instead of Friday? 

Well, Monday, I'll tell you what I like about you: when the baby naps in the morning, the chance to sit and have coffee with you, the opportunity to work a little from home, the chance to see what lays ahead and ponder the unknown corners.  Today, I love the chance to indulge in copious amounts of intricate song lyrics & deafen myself to the sound of anything outside of my speakers & mind. 

So, Monday, thanks for coming to rest a bit with me. 

A New Beginning....

I started this blog a few years ago out of desperate need to release my inner most thoughts. I never held things back here. I unfolded the complications of being a working mom, the aches of becoming a parent, the battle between where I started and my family began. I healed here. For those who only virtually know me, I probably seemed unstable but the truth is, the more real I got here, the more sane it kept me.

I learned to write when I was young. My journals were my best friends. No matter where I was, a pen and paper heard the chaos of battling my parents divorce and the chaos that followed it. I broke and was bound by the lines that held the words that were stitched inside a mouth that couldn't find the strength to speak.

With my first son, I juggled working a full time job and learning how to be a parent. It was...HARD...to say the least. I'm in a new place now though. I found myself without a job (part of a budget cut like many people) after only two weeks of being back at work with my second son. It's now five months later and I am just now settling into what it means to be a Stay At Home Mom--an internal dream fulfilled in an unexpected way.

Things are financially TIGHT and they are abundantly blessed in LOVE, exhaustion, and newness. This may not be the way I wanted to get HERE but I made it.  I have made it to this "finish" line (for now) I had set in my heart....now we have to figure out how to keep our family here.

So, this blog is turning into something new. A daily diary of the moments I get to experience as a mom and wife not divided by the expectations of corporate america. Here starts a new journey...one day at a time.

The Post in Partum (Part II)

There's a whisper (but quite frankly, it's like a damn bull horn),

"Mommy, I want to cuddle you."

Crap. My damn mom ears physically respond like there's been an earthquake but as the hairs on my arm standing on end retract, I smile,

"I want to cuddle YOU!"

He crawls in bed and fits in the arch of my arm but his legs are longer now. I feel his freezing toes and warm them between my knees. It's damn early. Physically, I'm so over this but my heart knows: this won't last forever.

We stay avoiding truth as long as we can, Daddy/Husband sleeping soundly beside us, & then the cries come. Unintelligible sounds that I understand: "I'm 6 months old! I want my bottle!" So the little Mr. and I leave Daddy/Husband in the warmth. We rattle the bed enough for him to turn over. Physically, he knows we're gone but mentally, he's nowhere to be found.

The carpet touches my feet and alerts me: Here we go. I grab my ugly socks (the ones that are too warm to stop wearing-the ones my little mr. steals from my that go up to his knees--his "mommy socks"). I'm tired, hungry but before any of that I make a stop at the counter: Friday-pop the lid- throw the pink pill back in my mouth- close the lid/swallow simultaneously. Ok. If I don't do anything else for myself that day, I do that. Take that pill that has leveled me out, been one in a series of things that have helped bring me back--back to the land of the living.

Here's the thing about post partum depression for me: it felt fictional, it felt fake but I knew better. It also felt like unbelievable failure...until I got so damn desperate to be better that I could admit: I need help, this isn't forever, this is going to be a fight and I'm going to win.

Step 1: The hotline, the doctors, the stabilizing. Step 2: Swallow, Sleep, Wake, Repeat. Step 3: Talk. TALK. T A L K. Step 4 : Look yourself in the mirror and see my face, feel alive (and now it feels good!), seek God, JOY.

I'm back.