Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Hi-Ho, Hi-Ho It's Off To Work We Go

I know that many of you have been wondering how it's all going so here is our update.
I returned to work on Monday sans Ashton in order to get my head back into the game without my favorite distraction. While the night had me emotional, it's true, "they are new every morning. Great is thy faithfulness." I felt calm and peaceful and had a feeling of confidence--I could do this! As I walked through the familiar doors and saw both familiar and unfamiliar faces of staff and students, I was bombarded with nothing other than warmth and welcome. What a wonderful feeling! Instantly, I realized that while I may rather tap my ruby red slippers and chant, "there's no place like home," there really is no place like my office.
I am beyond blessed to work with people who genuinely care about me and to be supported in my role as a mother. It is a very different environment to work in a corporation that is run and operated by a female majority. So I hope this vaguely answers a question that was recently posed to me about how I am allowed to bring my son to work. As to what type of child I have, he's a very happy and easy baby...for the most part :) However is it easy for me to share my attention between my son and my work? That is yet to be seen but I can say that for my first day having him with me was a challenge. I felt both lucky and guilty to have him there. I felt both divided and distracted. It's amazing how the feeling of guilt follows me. I'd feel awful if he weren't with me but having him there and trying desperately to focus on my job is not easy. I want to nurture and engage Ashton but I want to be successful and honorable in my profession. Is it smarter to let someone take care of him who can give him full attention or is it better to be with his mother? Failure frightens me and while I can be graded on my work, only I can grade my work as a mother. I want a virtual "A" in both. I must allow myself the time to adjust....allowance is not something I am good at with myself.

Sunday, July 27, 2008

Unfolding Me

It feels a little like the night before the first day of school. Nervous anticipation for the day to come seems to steal the hours of sleep and replace it with anxiousness. The only comfort one had when in elementary school though was knowing that every other child felt the same way you did. Everyone worried about what outfit they should wear and what familiar faces would be sitting beside them. Alas, here I am in the real world and while everyone else's life has remained the same, it is only I who had a "summer vacation" and now I must reenter the classroom alone. So, alone I face the anxiety of my first day at school wondering what exactly the anxiety is for. My throat feels like it's closing in as the blinds in my house are drawn. My eyes are a well that show no sign of going dry. My heart weighs just a little more then it did before I was trying to wring it for answers.
I pick at the water mark my cup left on the table from early this morning-- I ache as I admit, I'm sad to say goodbye to this life I have grown accustomed to. What I wanted to run away from in the beginning has become the very thing that I never want to leave. What I thought I couldn't handle being around is now one of the things I can't live without. For the first time in my life I can
see that I am good at something but I can't stay here. I must learn to be good at being everything but what if "everything" breaks me and I end up with nothing that I am good at?
I am in awe of the women who can do it all and in this moment, I question whether or not I can be one of them. It's strange being here, my cheeks hot with restrained emotion. I am at a crossroad and in either direction I can see women who can understand my position but neither side will ever know the other and thus I am divided. I want to fit into both worlds: the world of privilege that allows a mother to stay home and the other where a woman can be a mother and a financial provider. Ultimately, I want to fit into my own heart and my heart wants to be with my son.
There's a quote I recently heard and fell in love with, "Experience is what you get when you don't get what you want." Experience is what I will get. I will transition into this new phase, say goodbye to the old, and unfold even further from the the bags I have packed myself into. This, too, shall pass.