Wednesday, July 28, 2010

Thursday, July 22, 2010

In The Dark

I got in the car and I drove tonight.
I looked for a place to hide--a street corner, a beach, a parking lot--it didn't matter--I needed to cry....for the second time today.
Today was a really.rough day.
When I think of this morning, I actually have to ask myself, "Was that today or yesterday?"
As a woman, as a mother, as a wife, as a daughter, a friend, an employee--I am crushed.
Today I learned that "this is what an adult is" but I question it.
Is it?
This can't be it.
Not sleeping through the nights, waking up with my to do lists turning, genuine fatigue, loss of joy, extreme exhaustion. That all sounds like depression but I can tell you, what it is is a working Mom run ragged by expectation and a woman defeated by the impression that there is nothing I do that is appreciated or worthy of recognizing (even when I know it's not truth, it's how I feel).
I have N E V E R been so pushed to my limit and had to fight so hard to be successful while providing and caring for my family E V E R.
In my head, I question with a supremely heavy heart, "At what point is financial provision less significant than emotional provision?" because I can tell you, I am paying the bills and filling the fridge right along side my two job working man, but I have drained my savings account with overdraft fees on my emotional provision. In truth, I know the answer is financial provision is never more important than being emotionally present, but financial provision is a reality of life. In my home, I.Have.Failed.
I am genuinely plagued and heart broken.
Wondering, "Why can't I stay home? What if my midge IS the only one I get and I am missing it?! Why in the midst of SUCH.AMAZING.BLESSINGS am I brought to my knees to remember that my Father is a protector of the weak and he never lets go of my hand!? WHAT.AM.I.SUPPOSED.TO.DO?!"
I have never been here before.
It's dark but I TRUST. It's SO LONELY but I KNOW.
I don't understand and I am waiting on Him in this deafening silence.

Monday, July 19, 2010

thank full

today i am thankful for...

a house that was clean for 30 seconds before the midge got to it ;)
money to buy my lunch
friends to watch a silly show with
a friend who worries about me & checks in on me at work
the value menu at burger king and the icees on that menu!
instant macaroni and cheese
the midge's kissing game at bed time
my hus who took a moment to tell me,
"I'm so happy with you. I have everything I want with you."
my job that allows me to give health care to my family.
my house...I can't believe I'm home.
my bedroom.

tonight i will fall asleep in praise instead of all the to do's left undone.

Saturday, July 17, 2010

you'll always be my baby

No matter how tired or worn out I am, I will always be your mommy.
If I can only give you my shoulder to rest your head on, my hand for you to hold, or a kiss on your precious nose, know I love you more than anything!
When the night seems to get the better of you, I'll crawl into your crib beside you even if it means tomorrow will come early and my day's focus will be hard.
Whether you're two or twenty, you will always be my baby.

I may not have a lot of energy to wrestle with you every day, but I will always wish I did.
I may not always read you a book, make you eat your vegetables, or take you to the park, but sweetie, I hope you know I wish I could do it all.
I may not always be the mommy you need me to be, but little love, no one could feel worse for that than me.

No matter how tired or worn out I am, I will always LOVE being your mommy.
If I can only have a Thursday Treat date with you after a week of leaving you at daycare, you have to know, that date is what I look forward to each week.
When the days seem to get the better of me, I hope you will always be okay crawling up beside me and losing ourselves in a movie as we zone out side by side.
Whether your two or sixty, you will always be my baby.

Friday, July 16, 2010

briefcase basketcase

I find myself holed up in a room closing the daylight out and wanting to sleep.
I feel congested by my own thoughts and the voices I'm making others have.
I had to sit down and force myself to think and figure out how long we have lived in this new house because it seems that the fast forward button hasn't released me and I have no grasp of time.
So, this one is for all you workin' mama's out there...

I stepped into a new role at the office that has so much more responsibility.
It was a blessing--is a blessing--to have someone see my worth, to have someone offer me such a great position, but as it turns out, that whole "keeping the same schedule" thing was that *too good to be true* fine print.

I'm swamped and I don't know how to leave work at the office anymore.
It follows me like my shadow.

I am on empty with nothing left to give but with a toddler, there's never an off.
I find myself at my desk thinking,
"I wish I were with my son."
He's at this incredible age and I want to lose myself in his last baby days.
He's just growing up SO fast!
What if I am missing it because I am too tired.too over extended. too, too, too.

Really stuck.
So thankful for all I have.
And so stuck.

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

A Baby Shower

This weekend I was blessed to co-hostess my beautiful Shannon's first baby shower along with her sister in Orange County.
I have been thinking about celebrating Shannon for months and seeing orange & green with every week of anticipation of the final day.
I may have been a little eager but loving on this dear friend of mine was embedded in my heart!
{Thank you, Jackie, for letting me share in your sisterly right!}
Things to know about Hostess-Jackie:
She always throws epic parties, she is an amazing hostess always opening her home, and oh--ya--
She just had her third boy 5 weeks ago and managed to host this beautiful party in her home and with thee kiddos under 5 beneath her feet!
Things to know about Shannon--the guest of honor:
She has the biggest heart of any one I know. She'd give you the shirt off her back, the last dime in her account, and words of wisdom from a Godly woman's heart any moment you ask her to.
Shannon, I love you as my sister.
Isaac is the luckiest little boy in the world.
The road will have it's bumps but you were made to be his mother
and he was made to be your son.
He is with you & for you in every moment of your journey.Details
Table Runner & "Nest" Placemat: IKEA
Bird Cages: Michael's Craft Stores
Mini Cupcakes: Home Made
Flowers: Costco and self arranged
Invitations (see bottom left, frame): Paper Source Materials & Hand Crafted.
Glittered Birds: Hand made adnorments
Cake: Jackie's Friend & inspired by the invitation
Tables,Chairs, Linens: Atlas Party Rentals

Saturday, July 3, 2010


I've had a slow weekend and it's given me the opportunity to really sit in my house and start to settle it from a place of joy vs. distress. Let me tell you--it's been nice!
So while I'm nowhere near a big reveal--hence the large mirror on the floor in the picture below--I am at least able to start sharing some DETAILS. These cloches were an amazing find this weekend at only $9.99 each--pedestal & dome!
I went through my goodies and created a centerpiece for our dining table.
Until I make a plethora of treats to fill these, I thought it would be fun to fill them with things that make me smile: wine corks, giant pearls, vintage doily & burlap wrapped candle, and a LOVE trinket from my friend!Our kitchen has large open space above our cabinets. I instantly wondered what on earth I'd do to fill the space appropriately & reflected our style.
Thanks to the Pasadena Rose Bowl & my friend, I had all the pieces I needed.
This little lovely, the cart that is, came from an impromptu spree to my local antique store.
I woke up this morning feeling like, "I have to go today!"
I found 7 vintage orphans that now belong with me!
We have a large and beautiful antique kitchen table space around it that has just felt incomplete.
When I saw this, I knew...I needed a mini bar!

Well, until the next several projects shape up, this is what is new for today!