Managing Summer

 I feel like Summer just SNUCK up on me & I can't quite wrap my head around all my hopes, dreams, plans & goals.

Last night I just had to sit down, write it out, and get it on paper.

My personal reality is I have an etsy store that I want & need to succeed. I'm also a mom of a 2.5 year old & 6 year old with night & day personalities {one extrovert who wants all day attention & one introvert who wants quiet time}. Of course then there's also my short resume that includes home accountant, maid, entertainment manager, personal shopper & saver, behavior & character development manager, wife, friend, short order chef, & self.

To wrap my head around all of this succeeding, I had to lay it out not for a strict sense of following a timeline, but to have some structure and order to our every day routine.

At the heart of our family mantra is COLLECT MOMENTS & MAKE MEMORIES so my husband and I really love to live actively with our kids. It includes taking pictures and things as simple as a picnic at the park or last minute pizza dinner at a playground. We love adventure, newness & exploring. I figured with limited brain space for the months ahead, I should do some advance thinking & made a short list for us on those, "I can't think of what to do" moments

So, I'm starting my 1st official Summer Morning following the schedule.

The kids are playing with the legos with PBS Kids on & I'm managing my 2 hour morning work allotment with some instagram marketing, some blogging, & some order processing. 

It's really easy for me to get overwhelmed.

My brain is often a firing ground for chaotic thoughts of lists ranging from the dreams to the do's.

I am HOPING some of this can start to feel natural as I have the grateful gift of being with my boys every day this summer!

The Imminent End

He talks like things have changed

like the future has unfolded the way we dreamed it would one day.
He speaks with hope
relentless trust
belief
with faith.

But here I am
feeling like life is happening to me.Here I am...
damn it's familiar.
The hourglass emptying now and instead of moving forward I'm watching it...
can't take my eyes off of it.
I'll trade in my mommy role for the working mama one.

He talks like things have changed...
like I'll still be here when the sun is up taking care of the life we've built proudly
but I won't be.
He says I can be
but I'd be leveraging our future
leveraging on the coat tails of hope.

But here I am
feeling like I'm without a purpose that could help us make ends meet.

Here I am...
damn it aches.
Playing that comparison game
asking God why our life doesn't look different here
knowing that all I want to do
truly
is emotionally provide for the family I have been given.

Working Mama.
Diaper bag on one arm and briefcase on the other.
It's coming
but he talks like things have changed
and while he believes
I...
I just need to catch my breath.

How to Know When You're Ready for #2

I'm 10 weeks out from D-Day.

I'm pretty sure no one, including myself, really thought the day a #2 would be announced would ever really happen.

If you've been around this blog for any period of time, a common theme of mine has been my struggle with motherhood.

If this is your first time here, I should clarify- my struggle has never been with my son, it's

always been about me.

I think the odds are inevitably stacked against you if you

a) SURPRISE-got knocked up.

b) have no close circle friends with kids & you're the pioneer

c) will be a working mom when you don't want to be OR it's NEVER been done before in your family...as in, EVER

Mix those ingredients all together, and you get a...mess/disaster/self destructive catastrophe.

So, it appears I got over it, right?

I mean, I DID elect to shoot for the moon and add another one, right?!

I'm not sure I'm actually over any of the things that I struggled with the first go round but two things are different:

1: We planned this one (more accurately, we worked for this one).

2: I'm not the only one in the friend circle with a kid any more - I am just the only one going on #2 (crap)

How did I know I was ready?

I don't think I am ;)

We just knew that we wanted our son to have a sibling & we wanted our kids to be close in age.

There's a larger gap between #1 & #2 then we anticipated but, there's that little truth:

"We can make our plans, but the Lord determines our steps." Proverbs 16:9

Here's the difference between going from 0-1 then going from 1-2:

I'm not stupid this time.

I know what to expect in this rodeo & I know it ain't all magic & rainbows--

It's stitches, gauze panties, leaky boobs, sleepless nights, a whole lot of emotional break downs, & some damn good sweetness, too.

This time, there's a bit of apprehension:

crap: how do I divide in two (aside from physically, cuz I know how that one works!)? how will I get one kid to work with me and pick one up when my work day is done? how do I get in and out of a grocery store with a toddler & a newborn?

(Ok, now I have to stop putting the questions out here in the universe because I'm giving myself contractions.)

All this to say, for me, I don't think there ever IS a ready for #2.

There wasn't even a ready for #1.

It's just a choice, and you make it, and you do it.

You have your good moments & your bad ones.

You have your smiles & you have your tears.

I must say though, I am super excited to meet this little one!

I'm excited to finally have a name, to put the room together but I'm also taking the time to savor what's left of my time with my son.

Oh the journey....

I'm Not A Housewife

I may be farther than that than I have ever been.

Right now, I am the financial provision and with it, I'm feeling things I never thought I would.

In my days of die hard feminism, this was where I wanted to be

however

I also wanted to be alone then.

This isn't how I would have written this.

In fact, I had this dreamt out quite differently.

He was working toward being the income.

I was dreaming of the day I'd be home chasing my rugrat, making meals, & awaiting my man's return from a long day in the office.

Now-here we are.

One income: mine.

One stay at home parent: him.

Truly, with every ounce of me, I'm hearing His voice and I know

this is where He has me

and I will learn and wait here.

And let me tell you,

I'm learning.

I'm learning:

I have expectations I didn't know I had and I may have a 50's husband mentality about what should get done in the house because "what else are you doing there all day?"

I've had to remember:

Being at home with your child is a blessing and it is also a lot of work. It's a lot of "look at me's" "play with me's" & go go go. It's energy you simply don't use in an office--it's physical, emotional, and mental.

I'm learning:

A stay at home parent really needs a break when the other parent gets home just as much as the parent who just left the office needs a break. Both of us have had different energy tanks drained and we.need.a.break!

I'm learning...again and again:

My husband has the ability to be a better parent and person than I do.

The man's energy is unfailing.

and I realize:

I'm so unfair in asking for MORE than what I see when I get home

because every time I ask for MORE

I'm discounting every single thing he's already done.

I'm learning:

I have a lot to learn.

I'm Not A Housewife.

I'm a Working Mom who's on a road I wouldn't have picked myself but I'm in the passenger seat now taking in the views as I go. I'm far from perfect, but I'm not setting out for that--I'm setting out to love the journey and learn the lessons of the Refiner's fire.

This isn't a season about what I'm giving up.

This is a season about what I'm gaining.

Parenthood

"You know, when you have kids, if you have kids, there's something you should know--very confusing thing they don't tell you. You see so much of yourself in them. You see your ironic take on the world. You see your smile, your walk, your sense of humor, whatever--and you think they're you but they're not you and they shouldn't have all of your baggage and your fear and your insecurity and your life experience because that's not fair--they have their own." ~Parenthood

This quote from the show Parenthood's episode, "Meet The New Boss," struck me. It also stuck with me through a few conversations this week and a few stolen moments to look within.

I have a beautiful "baby" boy. He came into my life two and half years ago and changed how I saw the world and what I did in it. Everything my husband and I work so hard for became about him. What could we give him? And I don't mean what toys, clothes, or material items could we fill his closet with, I mean, what opportunities could we afford him? How could we pave a road for him that would take the best of where we had been and improve upon the worst of what we'd walked and give that to him?
As his mother, it haunts me in both beautiful and breaking ways.

I grew up in a house of three and while I may have two siblings, you would never know we were raised in the same home--ever.
My life experiences included getting my first job at 16, buying my own car, taking out loans for school (even though my mom & step dad helped so much), working through college, renting a room in my parents home when I graduated from college.
Their life experiences included getting their first jobs in their twenties, being given car(s), having college paid for, living rent free.
I know this sounds like whining but what it is is an acknowledgment of gratitude that I was taught to stand on my own but it also became a marker for: I will do things differently.

My husband and I grew up in two different worlds.
While I was not given everything, I was exposed to a lot. I had opportunities that he didn't.
In our five years of marriage we have shaken out the good and bad of both of our roots and while I still may believe College is a must and he considers it to be an option amongst many for our son, our desire is to give our son a foot up in this world.
Our dream is that he won't enter marriage with an unbelievable amount of debt from chasing dreams, independence, and miseducation. Our dream is he will be set up for success.

I watched the show this week and I heard the quote above and I froze a bit and I heard myself think,
"I am trying to correct what went wrong and hand him the best of what my life has been so far and he's only two."

I talked with a co-worker this week and our kids came up and she admitted, "I can't afford more than two," and I thought, "Can I even afford my one? Can I afford the dreams I have for him?" --the dreams that are really about me.

I watched Oprah this week and the "Octamom" episode and I went from judging her to criticizing myself. Providing for your children is just NOT easy. We parents love like mad and dream big but I know that what I need right now is a step back because I'm missing something.

I'm working my @$$ off in the name of provision and I'm gridlocked: I don't know how to give more and I don't know how to give less. My truest of all hopes is that I, every day, will learn a little more about how to keep my baggage, my fear, my insecurity, and my anxiety far from imposing it on him. He deserves his road and I should be his number one fan and encourager handing him the tools along the way.

What Will I Choose?

I recently heard a message within sermon that understanding what God is doing in your life can be a lot like watching a Polaroid develop; the longer you wait, the clearer your understanding becomes.

This year, I have been challenged on the same subject repeatedly: What will you choose, Your family or {your own desires} {what others think of you} {your pride}?

This challenge was initiated back in February when I released a dream I was chasing. At the height of the dream taking a serious leap into the next phase, I heard the question: What Will I choose, my family or my own desires? I felt like I was at a crossroad and I could have chosen myself but I would have been saying "no" to the two boys God has given me. It was a heartbreak, a genuine and very real heart break but in it, I heard Him saying, "You will be rewarded."

In May, I was presented with a professional opportunity that has challenged me to learn new boundaries. When I say yes to work, I am saying no to my husband and my son. When I say "just a minute," I'm telling them what my coworkers think of me means more to me than what you have to say. At the end of my rope with time, I was brought to the same question...What will I choose, my family or what others think of me?

Today, another opportunity has come before me. It is an opportunity that says, "Perhaps you will have Fridays with your son, perhaps not. Perhaps you will work your same schedule, perhaps not. It will be hard, challenging...." Can I do it? Yes. Do I want to prove myself? YES. But here I was, eating pizza with my boys and realizing---it's happening again. I am being asked, What will I choose, my family or my pride?

I am staring at the Polaroid and shaking it waiting for that big picture to become clear. I am asking this question tonight: Why is the same lesson repeating itself this year? What is God trying to teach me? What am I missing that I am facing this "source of income" challenge that comes with the same question each time: What Will I Choose?

The picture is, at best, hazy, but I am hearing a message that brings me peace as I fight the butterflies and desire to unfold the unknowns, "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on [my] own understanding" Proverbs 3:5.

So tonight, as I lay me down to sleep, I pray the Lord my soul to keep... keep me in Your will, help me to continue to say YES to my family, help me hear what You are asking, and grant your servant favor, Lord. I am Yours to use and it all belongs to you.

Beneath the Good

A simple question often evokes a simple answer.

"How are you?"
"Good. How are you?"
But what's beneath that?
What's beneath the surface of "good" that we aren't saying, that we aren't hearing, that we're not really asking, that we don't know?
The truth is, I am good but there is more to that good that I am not saying. Things that don't feel good, that don't look good, that aren't good, but I can't speak of them.

The question was too simple and my answer is too complicated.

***
I sat at a table I have sat at for decades with faces I have known the same amount of time. People I love so dearly I cry when I leave them. I cry for the changes, the gratefulness, and the appreciation. I cry for it all and I am left with a punch drunk emotional hangover digesting the tilt-o-whirl that is life, that is family.How am I?
I am good.
But beneath that--I am trying to compartmentalize who I am and the emotions {guilt, stress, love, happiness, anger, frustration, smiles} that go with each and every part of those compartments. At the moment, I am trying to understand why I was so upset over a passing incident that was not about me but I made it so.

I grew up in an incredible family of people with strong personalities. Men who were bred to provide, lead, and surpass the men around them. I was born into women who are secondary voices to the men but headstrong, opinionated, and achievers. I was born among men who work and women who sustain a home. The age old tale of my experience as a mother has been defined by the fact that these women's stories are not my own and I constantly feel other by expressed expectation and the absence of relation to my walk. It plagues me and has made it impossible to understand and appreciate my road and what I need to do. {tears}
I sat around a table this weekend talking. A grandfather, his granddaughters, and one grandson. As the grandson received an incoming business call, the grandfather addressed his appreciation for his grandson's dedication to his job and inside I boiled.

I boiled because a) I don't think business should ever come before family and a table should never be left for it b) I boiled because I would never be congratulated for professional dedication that took over a weekend. I would be asked, "what else can you give up to be home?" And in that moment, I wanted my phone to ring. I wanted to direct a call with "Did you receive the venue contracts and received countersigned documentation, update the database, inform marketing..." I wanted in inflate a piece of me that could perhaps prove my worth in an arena that could be identified with. However, this one piece...this professionalism I take on while being a married woman and mother will always make me other in my self understanding within my family.

What I wouldn't give to fill these bottles and watch these hands every day...what haven't I given to try???I grew up with and know an incredible family. I have the most beautiful family of my own. It never ceases to amaze me how challenging this road is to allow myself to be different, to know difference, and to come to appreciate the uniqueness of my own story. Instead I fight to shove my awkward jigsaw piece into a 50-piece puzzle and will continue to until I can just say, "this is who I am, this is my road, and I will make the best of it."

So, How am I?
I am good...
and beneath that good, there is just a bit more than you asked for.

In The Dark

I got in the car and I drove tonight.
I looked for a place to hide--a street corner, a beach, a parking lot--it didn't matter--I needed to cry....for the second time today.
Today was a really.rough day.
When I think of this morning, I actually have to ask myself, "Was that today or yesterday?"
As a woman, as a mother, as a wife, as a daughter, a friend, an employee--I am crushed.
Today I learned that "this is what an adult is" but I question it.
Is it?
This can't be it.
Not sleeping through the nights, waking up with my to do lists turning, genuine fatigue, loss of joy, extreme exhaustion. That all sounds like depression but I can tell you, what it is is a working Mom run ragged by expectation and a woman defeated by the impression that there is nothing I do that is appreciated or worthy of recognizing (even when I know it's not truth, it's how I feel).
I have N E V E R been so pushed to my limit and had to fight so hard to be successful while providing and caring for my family E V E R.
In my head, I question with a supremely heavy heart, "At what point is financial provision less significant than emotional provision?" because I can tell you, I am paying the bills and filling the fridge right along side my two job working man, but I have drained my savings account with overdraft fees on my emotional provision. In truth, I know the answer is financial provision is never more important than being emotionally present, but financial provision is a reality of life. In my home, I.Have.Failed.
I am genuinely plagued and heart broken.
Wondering, "Why can't I stay home? What if my midge IS the only one I get and I am missing it?! Why in the midst of SUCH.AMAZING.BLESSINGS am I brought to my knees to remember that my Father is a protector of the weak and he never lets go of my hand!? WHAT.AM.I.SUPPOSED.TO.DO?!"
I have never been here before.
It's dark but I TRUST. It's SO LONELY but I KNOW.
I don't understand and I am waiting on Him in this deafening silence.

briefcase basketcase

I find myself holed up in a room closing the daylight out and wanting to sleep.
I feel congested by my own thoughts and the voices I'm making others have.
I had to sit down and force myself to think and figure out how long we have lived in this new house because it seems that the fast forward button hasn't released me and I have no grasp of time.
So, this one is for all you workin' mama's out there...
how.do.i.keep.going?

I stepped into a new role at the office that has so much more responsibility.
It was a blessing--is a blessing--to have someone see my worth, to have someone offer me such a great position, but as it turns out, that whole "keeping the same schedule" thing was that *too good to be true* fine print.

I'm swamped and I don't know how to leave work at the office anymore.
It follows me like my shadow.

I am on empty with nothing left to give but with a toddler, there's never an off.
I find myself at my desk thinking,
"I wish I were with my son."
He's at this incredible age and I want to lose myself in his last baby days.
He's just growing up SO fast!
What if I am missing it because I am too tired.too over extended. too, too, too.

Really stuck.
So thankful for all I have.
And so stuck.

The "US" in Uterus is Deceiving

Recently there has been some interest my uterus.
More specifically than interest in my uterus is the interest in it's intention for future reproduction.
I hesitate to use such strong words however when someone looks at my nearly two son and says
"So when's the next!"
I feel it's equally as "shocking" to ask such a thing as it is to use words such as "uterus" and "reproduction."I recently had to make a tough work decision.
I was given the opportunity to expand my job knowledge by working for two weeks in Hawaii--with my family none the less.
However, the two weeks just so happen to fall over my son's birthday.
In the interest of family, a party I've already planned, and well--perhaps a little bit of my sanity--I passed on the opportunity to spend two weeks in a tropical office.

When recently questioned to explain why I chose to bypass the opportunity-beyond the fact that it's my son's 2nd birthday I was struggling to find an answer that appeased, it was suggested to me that perhaps I should use the cousin line to "I'm on my period" that would close the door on the questioning--something like, "I'm scheduled to spend time with my husband that week if you know what I mean!"
While I laughed at the thought of how sitcom funny, not real life funny that would be, it reminded me of the twenty questions I received over Easter...

"Wouldn't Midge look great with a sibling? So, it's about that time for another one, right? Or my favorite, you did so well the first time, why not another!"

To answer all: 1. I think he looks great without a crying baby next to him. 2. Not sure what YOU mean by time for another but are you offering to provide live in assistance or at least a weekly babysitter? and 3. Ew. Lets just not talk about that.

So, in an effort to really answer the looming question that seems to be lingering on the palette of family onlookers:

"The application process for opinions on the future of my uterus is now closed. please keep all further applications to yourself and file under 'none of your business'"

PS- I say this with 96.7% laughter and humor.
While I'm open about a TON of personal issues, my reproduction timeline isn't one of them.

"This life is light"

Who knew that this was just what I needed....It's not a sob story by any means, but having a job outside of my home means it's one more place where I divide.
There are days when I think being home would be a dream--
then the weekends come and I think,
"HOW do women DO this 24/7?!"
Something I have not had though is uninterrupted, hormonally balanced time to be my son's mom.

I was afraid to be in a car for a 5 hour drive not knowing what I'd do if he cried.
I was thisclose to NOT going at all.
Fear driven...
the "What if I SUCK and CAN'T DO THIS?!"

But, as the amazing Rosi Golan sings,
"I felt it in my heart, that it was time, a change of scenery
To get a little lost, to feel alive, and reach beyond me"

And I did it.
We did it.
With nothing to do but walk the meadows, run in the leaves, and throw rocks into the vineyards
we played like never before.
I watched my son without self-focus.
I loved him without interruption.
I left realizing...
It's harder than hell to do it on my own
(and thankfully I don't have to)
but I know, I am a damn good mom when I put my mind where my heart is.

Dear Baby Boy-
You won't remember this trip the way I do.
You won't tear up when you remember how I held you and we giggled between the vines.
You won't look back when you are eighteen and wonder where that little boy went like I will
and that's ok.
Because selfishly, this trip was all about me and my love for you.

It was about knowing who I can be for you.
Realizing there's a balance between building me and encouraging you-
Respecting time and it's brevity.

So when you ask,
"What was I like when I was a baby?"
I will tell you because I truly know:
You loved to smile.
You could stand in the dirt or in front of water and throw rocks for hours.
You were frightened by new noises and looked to those you trust to protect you.
You love trains because Great Grandpa got your hooked and chocolate because Great Grandma kept m&m's around the house for you to find.

When you forget who you are,
I will remind you.
When you just need to know,
I will tell you...
I LOVE YOU.

Queen of Hearts

As the cries faded out and silence swirled around me, I sat and took it all in. The silence overwhelmed me as my mind got louder. I turned on the music and I allowed my mind to lose itself.

Memories flashed through my heart like a deck of cards. Finding out I would be a mother, words I never thought I’d say, choosing bedding patterns, dreaming of this little life, researching the safety and quality of products because my child would have the best, needing to sell my car and requiring something more secure, his long and painful arrival, the first night I was alone with him, the first diaper I changed, the weight I carried longer than I wanted, the pains of providing sustenance, the ache of healing, the burden of self division into wife, self, & mommy, the desire to be the old friend I was, the wish I had the old life I did, the need to be everything to this one little person, the clothes that would be best, the diapers that were the most expensive, the immunizations, the months that passed and were marked individually with a photo session, the return to work, the goodbyes as his daily care belonged to someone else, the plans for a first birthday party, the money we’ve put aside for him each month, our dreams….

It’s endless. This desire to give him the world and the fight to make sure he isn’t all of mine. I cut pieces of myself off and put them away waiting for the moments to come. He will talk. He will be left out. He will love. He will have his heart broken. He will hurt. He will say, “I do.” He will…so many things that he will.
While I shuffled through the masses, the Queen of Hearts came up and faced me. We sat and had a talk and here she told me, “Stop making it about you.”

I battled her not believing what she was telling me, “How can this be about me? Not a foot of this road has been about me.”

“Sweet child,” she said with her head bowed, “It’s all about you.”

My heart expanded as the truth swirled within it. I could hardly breathe as the truth grew. It has been about me.

It has been about my sacrifice, my dream, my aches, my growing pains. It has been about my fear that the patterns of the pac n’ play and stroller didn’t match. It has been about how he would remember me when his first years weren’t spent at a park with his mother. It was about how I wouldn’t be able to tell him that I was there and a witness to it all. It was about how I would redeem my hurts through his life that was of me and from me.

She saw my face as it crumbled under the weight of the tears I’d stored deep within and she soothed me, “Sweet girl, your boy only needs your love. He needs you to hug him, to embrace him wholey, to let him grow in the safety of your imperfectly perfect love. Let go, give in, lose control.”

I loosened my grip and as the cards fell I swiftly said a prayer, “Lord, take it from me. Let me lose it all in you for if I don’t I will lose it all. Make it less about me and all about You. I just can’t make it like this another moment.”

The Queen retreated to her deck and I was left in candlelight to conquer this deep mothering fear that I would fail him and myself.

Release.
Be free.
Love and let it be.

And with the last of my deep heavy sighs I stole the life from the flickering light in the darkened room and to sleep I fell.

image from flowers & machinery

i'll do anything!!

I want to fix it.

I want to make it right.We are blessed with so much.
We are.
We have a home, we have running water, we have love.
We are the have's and NOT the have-not's.
There are moments though when what we have doesn't seem to be enough.
In those moments I pray for truth to invade and defeat the lies.

Christan and I share a common heartache: we are not the one's with our son every day.There are days-many-when I don't think I could be a stay at home mom.
That is a lie.
The truth is, I would be a wonderful stay at home mom but it isn't something I can fathom now because we have to work.

Some days we get caught up on our failures but the truth is we are fighting every day to make the dream work for our family. We DREAM of raising our son and only having a babysitter when we want to go out-- not because we NEED to work. Some days it's easy to see what others have and feel like we ARE the have-not's. It is easy to say, "It's not fair."

Today I feel consumed.
Tell me what to give up!
I'll give up anything not to know how much it hurts my husband to drop our little boy off.
I'll give up anything just to know that our little boy's smile doesn't break into hysterical cries because he knows he's being left again.

I'll give up anything!!!Lord,
help us find a way
fill us with truth
defeat the lies!
allow us to look to you!
close our eyes from looking out
keep us from wanting what others have
allow us to embrace our gifts
allow us to be filled with the joy of your love for us.
guide us
protect us
show us the way
give us the courage to obey
how can we live with less so we can embrace so much more?!
thank you for your goodness, Lord.
amen

Ouch, that hurt a bit!

I got something in the mail yesterday. It's something that has left a little pin prick in my heart. You can all correct me if I am overreacting.
It seems that two things in life bring about great amounts of advice. The first is when you get engaged and are planning to be married and the second is when you decide to become parents. Advice is everywhere. Unless you have a strong filter, or develop one, the advice that sounds a lot like "have to's" will drown you.
I remember at Christmas in 2007 I was six months pregnant and we had just moved back to the central coast four weeks before. There we were in our economical Toyota Echo on my extended family's property that makes an Echo look like a Tonka toy. As I was uncomfortably crawling into the passenger seat, I received advice..."You really should buy a house. A baby can't live in an apartment." My heart hurt. I knew the person saying it was saying it out of a place of wanting that for us but what I realized, sadly, was he had NO idea how much we WANTED that, how hard we were both TRYING for that. It popped a little piece of me and deflated it. All I could do was stare at my bulging belly and think, "I am trying. I want to give you the world, sweet baby. I want to give you the world!"
Since Ashton came into our life, Christan and I have been working SO hard to figure out HOW to break free from the rat race. How do WE achieve our dreams? Two months after Ashton was born, Christan started our LLC, ChristanP Photography. We were sprinting for freedom. It has been a slow process that on good days is more than a natural high and on others, leaves discouragement and a heavy heart. We have invested HOURS of thought into HOW to provide for our son, HOW to free me up from working so I can RAISE our son and run our business from home instead. We decided that if we sacrifice now, we will have a pay off later. The sacrifice has been Christan and I both having two full time jobs. He designs websites and comes home to edit photos and I work and then come home to care for our son and run the home.
Yesterday I received a book. I received, "In Praise of Stay At Home Mom's" by Dr. Laura Schlessinger. It came with a note. The note said, "Points to ponder." While it may be a great book and I applaud its message (Stay at home mom's have a VERY hard job) I felt invisible and overlooked. Does the sender genuinely NOT see what we are doing, what we are sacrificing, how we are TRYING? So now I say, "I cast out this message that hurts my heart!" While the intention may be good, it seemed insensitive and misinformed. It hurt.
This is a description of the book:

They number in the millions and they are incredibly important to families and to our society, yet they are under appreciated, little respected, and even controversial.

Who are they?

They are the stay-at-home moms.

These are women who know in their hearts that staying home to raise their children is the right choice for the whole family. Some do it from the outset of their marriages, while others make the difficult transition from career-driven women to homemakers. Either way, it is a choice that is incredibly rich and rewarding, not to mention challenging.

Now Dr. Laura, building on principles developed during her long career as a licensed marriage and family therapist, provides a wealth of advice and support, as well as compassion and inspiration, to women as they navigate the wonders and struggles of being stay-at-home moms.

Learn how:

• to hold your head high and deal with naysayers;
• to see the benefits of being home not only for your children but also for your marriage;
• to understand the changes you see in yourself;
• to realize that the sacrifices you endure now will make for lasting bonds and a stronger family, in addition to a more cohesive community.

In Praise of Stay-at-Home Moms is a special book, a profound and unique understanding of how important it is for mothers to raise their own children.

I'm sure you can pick out the points that would hurt my heart-- like "how important it is for mothers to raise their own children." I wanted to scream IF YOU THINK I DON'T WANT TO BE THE ONE WATCHING MY SON GROW UP, YOU ARE SERIOUSLY MISTAKEN!!

But I step back and I look at the big picture: I have a wonderful son, I have an amazing AMAZING husband who is busting his BUTT to make our dream reality, and I am a great mom! I am. It has taken me 11 months to accept and KNOW that but even if I work, I come home and get to be a great mom.

I am a great mom even if I work.

Selfishness & Sacrifice

How often have I complained of the moments I miss with my son because I work?

No need to answer--I know--too often to count.
Today I sacrificed tardiness to hold my boy.
Today I wanted to be his mom--to change him, dress him, feed him, hold him. I wanted to cure the tears and the purple face as he gasped for air at the thought I'd leave him alone in his crib again.
I folded him in my arms and I sat in his rocking chair not caring if I'd get in trouble or if I had to call in and say, "I'll be late." I have a job, I have responsibilities but in this moment, my son was my priority.
I want every day to be the day I wake him, dress him, hold him.
I wait to pack up the "old life" anxiously.Have I told you of my husband's sacrifice?
Relentlessly studying and searching for new ways to free us, he smiles through it.
He started a business--one we were partners in until I threw my hands up saying,
"It's too much!"We have prayed for success--prayed for photography to become full time.
Now, as his schedule thickens it's my turn to sacrifice and my selfishness stands in the way.
I sacrifice my time with him.
I sacrifice my sanity when Ashton and I want him home at night.
Selfish.
I am not sacrificing anything.
I tell him, "When you work 2 full time jobs, I am working two full time jobs."
Selfish.
I have said it before
We sacrifice now so we receive the pay off later.
Now is when those words are being tested.

In one breath, IPRAISE the Lord that Christan is now booked with only one free weekend in August--the only free weekend until mid-October. In the other breath, I wallow in self pity as I realize that I lose time.
Selfish.
This mission--this dedication my husband has is unreal.
His goal: One of us WILL be a full time parent!
One of us will be home full time.
I don't care which of us it is--I just want our little boy with us.
I am learning to develop encouragement vs. discouragement.
My sad words of, "I miss you. I want our time," will hurt him.
He wants those things as much as I do. It's WHY he's doing this!It makes me selfish with the free time we DO have.
NO-I don't want to spend that time with other obligations!
NO-"You" are not allowed to make us feel guilty because we can't be everywhere!
NO-NO-NO
This is about us.
Selfish?
Not to me.

Selfishness & Sacrifice
Freedom the ultimate goal.

Love,
You know I miss you when you are gone.
You know I want you here with me.
You NEED to know how much I THANK YOU for your selfless sacrifice.
You NEED to know that I promise to work on my selfishness.
I'm SO Proud of what you are accomplishing in the name of Our P Pod :)I wait for OUR days.
In love,
Me

{images from fabbrunette}

Hi-Ho, Hi-Ho It's Off To Work We Go

I know that many of you have been wondering how it's all going so here is our update.
I returned to work on Monday sans Ashton in order to get my head back into the game without my favorite distraction. While the night had me emotional, it's true, "they are new every morning. Great is thy faithfulness." I felt calm and peaceful and had a feeling of confidence--I could do this! As I walked through the familiar doors and saw both familiar and unfamiliar faces of staff and students, I was bombarded with nothing other than warmth and welcome. What a wonderful feeling! Instantly, I realized that while I may rather tap my ruby red slippers and chant, "there's no place like home," there really is no place like my office.
I am beyond blessed to work with people who genuinely care about me and to be supported in my role as a mother. It is a very different environment to work in a corporation that is run and operated by a female majority. So I hope this vaguely answers a question that was recently posed to me about how I am allowed to bring my son to work. As to what type of child I have, he's a very happy and easy baby...for the most part :) However is it easy for me to share my attention between my son and my work? That is yet to be seen but I can say that for my first day having him with me was a challenge. I felt both lucky and guilty to have him there. I felt both divided and distracted. It's amazing how the feeling of guilt follows me. I'd feel awful if he weren't with me but having him there and trying desperately to focus on my job is not easy. I want to nurture and engage Ashton but I want to be successful and honorable in my profession. Is it smarter to let someone take care of him who can give him full attention or is it better to be with his mother? Failure frightens me and while I can be graded on my work, only I can grade my work as a mother. I want a virtual "A" in both. I must allow myself the time to adjust....allowance is not something I am good at with myself.

Unfolding Me

It feels a little like the night before the first day of school. Nervous anticipation for the day to come seems to steal the hours of sleep and replace it with anxiousness. The only comfort one had when in elementary school though was knowing that every other child felt the same way you did. Everyone worried about what outfit they should wear and what familiar faces would be sitting beside them. Alas, here I am in the real world and while everyone else's life has remained the same, it is only I who had a "summer vacation" and now I must reenter the classroom alone. So, alone I face the anxiety of my first day at school wondering what exactly the anxiety is for. My throat feels like it's closing in as the blinds in my house are drawn. My eyes are a well that show no sign of going dry. My heart weighs just a little more then it did before I was trying to wring it for answers.
I pick at the water mark my cup left on the table from early this morning-- I ache as I admit, I'm sad to say goodbye to this life I have grown accustomed to. What I wanted to run away from in the beginning has become the very thing that I never want to leave. What I thought I couldn't handle being around is now one of the things I can't live without. For the first time in my life I can see that I am good at something but I can't stay here. I must learn to be good at being everything but what if "everything" breaks me and I end up with nothing that I am good at?
I am in awe of the women who can do it all and in this moment, I question whether or not I can be one of them. It's strange being here, my cheeks hot with restrained emotion. I am at a crossroad and in either direction I can see women who can understand my position but neither side will ever know the other and thus I am divided. I want to fit into both worlds: the world of privilege that allows a mother to stay home and the other where a woman can be a mother and a financial provider. Ultimately, I want to fit into my own heart and my heart wants to be with my son.
There's a quote I recently heard and fell in love with, "Experience is what you get when you don't get what you want." Experience is what I will get. I will transition into this new phase, say goodbye to the old, and unfold even further from the the bags I have packed myself into. This, too, shall pass.