Tuesday, June 29, 2010

Tequila Soaked Sorbet

Sometimes life needs a little simplicity
A LOT of laughter
and a sip'a liquor.
Here's the PERFECT recipe!Tequila Soaked Sorbet
1 pint lemon sorbet
1/4 cup best-quality tequila
Finely grated zest of 2 limes

I had the perfect excuse to try this amazing treat when a Mexican themed progressive dinner was arranged to celebrate our friends who are moving out of the area.
My house was the last stop--the dessert stop--so we wrapped up our high volume laughter evening with Senor Patron & some Trader Joe's Sorbet.
(*note, Mango is not the best option but Raspberry & Lemon were a hit!)
Although it had nothing to do with us and everything to do with loving on our friends, this was our first soiree in our new home!

Friday, June 25, 2010


I have found myself in that all to familiar hole again.
The hole of exhaustion, defeat, selfishness.
The hole that includes asking for much and giving little & saying yes to the wrong people and no to the right ones.
In an atmosphere of ultimate change from home to profession my adjustment has been less than stellar. It's as if my whole world flipped hemispheres and I have lost my balance to walk in grace, mercy, and love.
If you've tracked my blog for any amount of time, you'll know, this thing called "mothering" comes in waves for me. I constantly feel as if I am one week on and three weeks off.
In my "on" times, I am loving, patient, excited, & more selfless than usual.
In my "off" times I am every aspect of the word DONE.
I find no joy, it's all a burdensome load of work, my expectations for my two year old to function as a 28 year old are high, and my relationship to my husband is one that functions on exhaustion and score keeping.
It's a state of DONE that comes from being so ON everywhere else but in my heart.
ON in mobility, commitments, expectations that deplete the ability for me to be ON where it matters most: HOME.

In this time of adjustment I feel the weight of a new role at work that has me cast as "the new girl" where I am constantly reminded that I am not in High School anymore so at the end of the day, what matters is I am doing my job.
At home I come home and see the projects in piles and so much abounding newness that I am too overwhelmed to sit and enjoy this moment of excitement that will not last forever.
It's all a feeling very similar to when my son was just a baby. This weight of "I can't wait til this is over" and I am crushed in spirit as I desperately need to be here now before it's gone.

At the heart of me:
I miss my husband. I miss our friendship and ability to love without 10,000 things in between us that need to get done as he juggles two jobs + being the handy man of a new home.
I miss my son who's face lately seems to be in the way vs. my gift.

"Sons are a heritage from the LORD,
children a reward from him." Psalm 127:3


"Whoever can be trusted with very little can also be trusted with much"
Luke 16:10
"Because of the privilege and authority God has given me, I give each of you this warning: Don’t think you are better than you really are. Be honest in your evaluation of yourselves, measuring yourselves by the faith God has given us."
Romans 12:3

These are the words I have heard recently calling out to me knowing that my God is my Father who loves me and in His love can forgive me. He does not expect perfection of me as I humble myself before him, so why do I expect it of myself?

I am desperate for a heart change so this morning I am before Him saying,
"Lord, I am sorry for how I have been acting. I am sorry that the blessings have become burdens. I am sorry that I have said yes to extending my energy at work so when I come home I am saying no to my boys. Lord, I thank you for forgiving me and ask You to help me change today. Let me see my boys the way You do. Intercede and repair my empty heart. I thank You in advance for your healing. I love you, Father. Amen."

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

Key Strokes

I use to unfold the layers of a day by writing. I'd shed each moment {happy, frustrating, funny, stressful, joyous} with each key stroke and then it would be done. I would be free to let today fly from my heart and be set to enjoy the moments, the days that followed. Lately, I can't even hear myself think let alone write. I'm exhausted and busy. I'm overcome with change, so much change that I can't settle myself into the moment but I'm on fast forward. My email box is something I get through. Facebook is something I do to space out. I'm on autopilot and I'm longing to S L O W down.
It's hard to "complain" about how fast pace and draining life feels at the moment when all that is fast paced and draining about it are beautiful blessings but I am tired now. I don't know how to cope with the disconnect of my own heart but I feel the girl that panics over buying a sweater, the girl that needs to write in order to be breathing {not just taking breaths}, the girl that wants alone time and doesn't fear it is across the street. I see her and I'm waving at her but I'm just too worn out to run full fledged toward her just yet.
I'm caught in the in between of longing & empty ... and yet SO blessed.

Monday, June 14, 2010

What Would I See If I Couldn't

In the last 24 hours, something heavy has been pounding on my heart:
What would I see if I couldn't see?

Lately I find myself aware of how often I look out and judge.
I wonder why I do it. What's at the core?
Do I want to feel better about me? Am I jealous? Do I think I am better?
It's been choking me.
I want to stop.
I want to see hearts, not faces.
I want to see beneath vs. above.

I laid in bed last night aside my husband after a rough moment of attack from an outsider.
We faced it together and as we tried to retire and put that moment into perspective that evening, my heart poured out hours of thoughts & feelings I haven't had time to share with him. Thoughts I don't know if I have really had time to think.
Amongst many things I thought, I thought this...cautiously:
I wish I didn't have human sight.
The sight that judges, labels, stereotypes, assumes.
I wish I had the sight of a blind man--the sight that feels who someone is, learns to hear someone, learns to know someone.

In my relationship history with God I have found that when I say something, when I pray for patience or say "I never want to x-y-z" that He has been given the opportunity to move.
This is why I am cautious to say I wish I didn't have human sight.
I don't want to lose my vision, but I want to redefine what my vision is.
I wonder if this is something that can be done?
Can I learn to feel beauty vs. define it by what I know as "normal"

Just a deep thought on a Monday night.

Friday, June 11, 2010

I Like to Move it, Move it

Okay, this is a half lie.
I like to MOVE it on the dance floor but I hate MOVIN' it in real life!
You know, boxes, junk, garage sales, swearing I'll never buy anything ever again
(except oops! I really need the cart full I just bought at Marshalls)
contractors, a sick munchkin, new sounds.
However, while it's been absolutely mayhem-ic it's been SURREAL.AWESOME.AMAZING!
Not only have we moved into our first home though,
I got promoted into a new position at work.
An abundance of blessings that have all meant a cyclone of CHANGE.

Right now I feel like my life's job description is as follows:
Wanted: Full Time Mother/Wife/House Keeper/Employee etc.
Must have a degree in accepting chaos
Must love juggling like a circus pro

Skill Set Must Include:
  • Bathing toddlers & simultaneously cutting hair while head thrashing and screaming.
  • Master sweeper, mopper, and shoe nazi, "SHOES! OUTSIDE! NOW!"
  • Husband's biggest fan, "Hubby, Hubby, He's my man! If He can't do it, I sure can't!"
  • Business Partner. Must not heavy sigh and say "no" when asked to help participate in making it run.
  • New Girl in the department at work. Must poop sunshine in spite of the 90% chance of rain.
Position Benefits include: 401K in relationship investment. Enhancing that be careful what you pray for request to develop PATIENCE. A Bull Market in Emotions.
Pay Rate: Sporadic Smooches when not too exhausted. A Dishwasher & A Beach Cruiser to Pedal Away when you just can't take the paint fumes any longer. Limited time for self focus and minimal opportunity to sleep.
Honestly. This season has been one CRAZY ride and we're still watching the dust settle. This has been a season of abundant blessings and faith growing.
We have seen Him in our life so clearly. How He's never left our side and how He has walked us into this abundant moment of love all along.