Thursday, July 22, 2010

In The Dark

I got in the car and I drove tonight.
I looked for a place to hide--a street corner, a beach, a parking lot--it didn't matter--I needed to cry....for the second time today.
Today was a really.rough day.
When I think of this morning, I actually have to ask myself, "Was that today or yesterday?"
As a woman, as a mother, as a wife, as a daughter, a friend, an employee--I am crushed.
Today I learned that "this is what an adult is" but I question it.
Is it?
This can't be it.
Not sleeping through the nights, waking up with my to do lists turning, genuine fatigue, loss of joy, extreme exhaustion. That all sounds like depression but I can tell you, what it is is a working Mom run ragged by expectation and a woman defeated by the impression that there is nothing I do that is appreciated or worthy of recognizing (even when I know it's not truth, it's how I feel).
I have N E V E R been so pushed to my limit and had to fight so hard to be successful while providing and caring for my family E V E R.
In my head, I question with a supremely heavy heart, "At what point is financial provision less significant than emotional provision?" because I can tell you, I am paying the bills and filling the fridge right along side my two job working man, but I have drained my savings account with overdraft fees on my emotional provision. In truth, I know the answer is financial provision is never more important than being emotionally present, but financial provision is a reality of life. In my home, I.Have.Failed.
I am genuinely plagued and heart broken.
Wondering, "Why can't I stay home? What if my midge IS the only one I get and I am missing it?! Why in the midst of SUCH.AMAZING.BLESSINGS am I brought to my knees to remember that my Father is a protector of the weak and he never lets go of my hand!? WHAT.AM.I.SUPPOSED.TO.DO?!"
I have never been here before.
It's dark but I TRUST. It's SO LONELY but I KNOW.
I don't understand and I am waiting on Him in this deafening silence.


  1. I am praying for you right now....May you feel the Peace that passes all understanding.

    Cast all your cares upon HIM for He cares for you!!
    I understand having a broken heart, and feeling hopeless and not knowing what to do. Just know that God is in charge of every detail, and He loves you SO much!!!

  2. uh oh, this made me cry, I am sitting here in tears, cause you just ripped all the words I have been savoring in my mouth out onto your blog....we are so in the same place..fincancial burdern over the love of a wee one, what is more important, silly questions because we both know, but what is the answer...I have been praying about this for a long time and nothing seems to make sense...I feel your frustration...I feel it deep down...

  3. my heart is aching for you and your struggle. I love how you have turned to the blog and let it be your cries for help/support/into the 'universe' to get it out. I will be praying for you...but OH how I know the plight of waiting on His timing. SO. HARD. TO. BE. HUMAN. and a working mamma at that. I love you, Legs - and will pray for peace for you. xoxoxoxo

  4. oooxxx
    i am a working mom and have these same times i am so weary.
    i do not want to look back and have regrets.
    i hope you are able to find a balance.
    i hope i am too.

  5. praying for you this morning.

    sounds like you want the "things" in your life to become smaller and your LIFE to become bigger.

    i've been there and i've done it and LIFE is so much better than the THINGS that i gave up. (LIFE can be whatever brings YOU peace.) it doesn't have to look the same for everyone.

    praying that it all happens for you and that peace overwhelms you.

  6. praying for you Allegra...wish I could give you a big hug...

  7. Allegra-thanks so much for your honesty here. I think through your pain you are helping to fix others pain. After reading this I sit here with tears in my eyes recognizing what has been so difficult for me to verbalize. Stretched so thin to make ends meet, but just wanting time to be with my boy..... Feeling depressed but in reality its because I am so tired and overworked..... Its a struggle to keep God as my center and remember that through him he makes all things new, restores and refreshes, and makes our wildest dreams come true. Keep wishing for financial peace so that he can provide it for you in his timing. I am reminding myself of this right now too:)
    much love friend,