Sunday, August 2, 2009

Selfishness & Sacrifice

How often have I complained of the moments I miss with my son because I work?
No need to answer--I know--too often to count.
Today I sacrificed tardiness to hold my boy.
Today I wanted to be his mom--to change him, dress him, feed him, hold him. I wanted to cure the tears and the purple face as he gasped for air at the thought I'd leave him alone in his crib again.
I folded him in my arms and I sat in his rocking chair not caring if I'd get in trouble or if I had to call in and say, "I'll be late." I have a job, I have responsibilities but in this moment, my son was my priority.
I want every day to be the day I wake him, dress him, hold him.
I wait to pack up the "old life" anxiously.Have I told you of my husband's sacrifice?
Relentlessly studying and searching for new ways to free us, he smiles through it.
He started a business--one we were partners in until I threw my hands up saying,
"It's too much!"We have prayed for success--prayed for photography to become full time.
Now, as his schedule thickens it's my turn to sacrifice and my selfishness stands in the way.
I sacrifice my time with him.
I sacrifice my sanity when Ashton and I want him home at night.
I am not sacrificing anything.
I tell him, "When you work 2 full time jobs, I am working two full time jobs."
I have said it before
We sacrifice now so we receive the pay off later.
Now is when those words are being tested.

In one breath, IPRAISE the Lord that Christan is now booked with only one free weekend in August--the only free weekend until mid-October. In the other breath, I wallow in self pity as I realize that I lose time.
This mission--this dedication my husband has is unreal.
His goal: One of us WILL be a full time parent!
One of us will be home full time.
I don't care which of us it is--I just want our little boy with us.
I am learning to develop encouragement vs. discouragement.
My sad words of, "I miss you. I want our time," will hurt him.
He wants those things as much as I do. It's WHY he's doing this!It makes me selfish with the free time we DO have.
NO-I don't want to spend that time with other obligations!
NO-"You" are not allowed to make us feel guilty because we can't be everywhere!
This is about us.
Not to me.

Selfishness & Sacrifice
Freedom the ultimate goal.

You know I miss you when you are gone.
You know I want you here with me.
You NEED to know how much I THANK YOU for your selfless sacrifice.
You NEED to know that I promise to work on my selfishness.
I'm SO Proud of what you are accomplishing in the name of Our P Pod :)I wait for OUR days.
In love,

{images from fabbrunette}

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