Monday, August 3, 2009

A Momma's Vow

I remember the first three months of being a mom.
Those were emotional and exhausting.
All I wanted was for my baby to grow up.
Now I look at him and all I want is for him to stay small.Perhaps it's true, the grass is always greener, but daily I work on sitting on the green hill that's been given to be and enjoying the view.

I admit, it's 93% great.
The other 7% that is the good but not great really comes down to me.
The other 7% has to do with maintaining the "me" that I refuse to lose and believe that this refusal is Ok.
I really do love being my son's mom but I see what losing yourself in anything can do, let alone a child.
I refuse to let my son be 110% of who I am.
I refuse to lose the "me"-ness for eighteen years only to leave me empty when he leaves.
I refuse to leave him with the burden of fulfilling me so I aim to fulfill myself in the other things I love: the Lord, my husband, my hobbies, my friends...ME.I know there are Mom's out there who are laughing at me and thinking,
"Oh honey, it's unavoidable. They change your life forever!"
My son has more than changed my life.
He's changed how I love, how I learn, who I want to be, and exposes the worst of me--the things I want to make better. He IS a life change but I never want him to be what defines me.

I know that one day he'll get married--and I swear to be a wonderful Mother In Law!
I know one day he won't come home for Christmas--and I swear I'll be okay with it!
I know one day he will have his own traditions--and I swear I'll be happy for him!
I swear these things but I realize people change.
I should say I desperately WANT these things!

Oh me, oh my!
I think about these things ALL the time!
I talk about these things once a day with my husband.
We plan for his future in ways that are so FULL of hope and love and life.
We sacrifice now for his future benefit.
We build what we do in our present so later it will be his gift.

All of the things I desire for him come from a place I have never known before.
In my heart of hearts, I always knew that having a child would make me understand God's love for me in a whole new light.
I can only imagine what treasures and what dreams He has in store for me.
How amazing that it's even more than what I want for my own son!
How unfathomable that He loves my son even more than I could.

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