It feels a little like the night before the first day of school. Nervous anticipation for the day to come seems to steal the hours of sleep and replace it with anxiousness. The only comfort one had when in elementary school though was knowing that every other child felt the same way you did. Everyone worried about what outfit they should wear and what familiar faces would be sitting beside them. Alas, here I am in the real world and while everyone else's life has remained the same, it is only I who had a "summer vacation" and now I must reenter the classroom alone. So, alone I face the anxiety of my first day at school wondering what exactly the anxiety is for. My throat feels like it's closing in as the blinds in my house are drawn. My eyes are a well that show no sign of going dry. My heart weighs just a little more then it did before I was trying to wring it for answers.
I pick at the water mark my cup left on the table from early this morning-- I ache as I admit, I'm sad to say goodbye to this life I have grown accustomed to. What I wanted to run away from in the beginning has become the very thing that I never want to leave. What I thought I couldn't handle being around is now one of the things I can't live without. For the first time in my life I can see that I am good at something but I can't stay here. I must learn to be good at being everything but what if "everything" breaks me and I end up with nothing that I am good at?
I am in awe of the women who can do it all and in this moment, I question whether or not I can be one of them. It's strange being here, my cheeks hot with restrained emotion. I am at a crossroad and in either direction I can see women who can understand my position but neither side will ever know the other and thus I am divided. I want to fit into both worlds: the world of privilege that allows a mother to stay home and the other where a woman can be a mother and a financial provider. Ultimately, I want to fit into my own heart and my heart wants to be with my son.
There's a quote I recently heard and fell in love with, "Experience is what you get when you don't get what you want." Experience is what I will get. I will transition into this new phase, say goodbye to the old, and unfold even further from the the bags I have packed myself into. This, too, shall pass.