Monday, September 28, 2009

Admitting Need

Choice 1:
Admitting Need
"At the root [my] human tendency to do wrong is [my] desire to be in control." p.15
All I have ever wanted is control!!
The world around me constantly felt out of control.
I was angry and hurt and depressed.
When my parents divorced when I was 5, I lost all sense of normalcy.
They hated each other and I defined myself by that hate.
To control my chaos, I struggled with eating, I battled suicidal thoughts, I was a cutter, I chose violent relationships--
"[I] play[ed] God by trying to control [my] image, other people, [my] problems, and [my] pain."

"Why are we afraid to tell people who we are? The answer is, 'If I tell you who I really am and you don't like me, I'm in trouble-- because then I'm all I've got." pg. 16
So here I am.
I don't want to live in fear of who won't like me because in truth, what I need more than for you to like me is for me to love myself.

I have tried to control my pain but I have only postponed it throughout the years with different self medicated tools:
I want to run and travel. I have tried withdrawing into a hole and building a protective wall of depression around myself. I have been angry.
None of what I have done has worked because if it had, I'd be fixed, and I'm not.

I have to tell you something.
He Heals.
I have let Him heal parts of me, but now it's time for the rest of me that I was pretending didn't matter.
In December of 2004 I experienced my first miracle.
After an 8 year dependency on anti depressants, my friend asked me if I would receive healing prayer.
I had no idea what she was talking about but I was ready.
I had tried to break free and my body would have intense physical withdraws.
I knew, I could not do it alone.
As the church emptied out one Wednesday night, the hall became still.
With the hands of a pastor on my shoulders and my friends hands on my hands, the pastor asked me,
"Do you believe in God?"
"Yes," I told him feeling tears well up inside me.
"Do you believe He can heal you?"
"More than ever," I confessed

The pastor went on in prayer.
My friend prayed over me in tongues.
A wind gently came up from behind me and it pulled forward.
I knew, without a doubt, Jesus was there.
He had taken my dependency in that moment.
I did not have one withdraw symptom.
It was Christmas morning, seven days later, that I was positive there were no more drugs in my system and I was FREE and HEALED.
I am coming to God now with the issues deeper than I am even aware of.
I am coming to Him willing to work for the Healing I have been avoiding.
I am tired of the consequences that playing God in my life have created.
I am tired of the Fear, the Frustration, The Fatigue (my favorite sayings are, "I'm tired" and "I feel sick"), I am tired of Failure.
"You will never succeed in life if you try to hide your sins. Confess them and give them up; then God will show mercy to you." Proverbs 28:13

Here I am, admitting total weakness and desiring a humble heart for "the weaker I get, the stronger I become," 2 Corinthians 12:10

I often understood myself only for the vessel of pain I was.
Before 2004, I only knew who I was by the hurts I had.
As it turns out, while I am an entirely different person from 2004, 2009 shows me there is an even bigger leg of the journey to embark on.
Lord, I am ready.


  1. What a beautiful post!!

  2. Praise God! I teared up reading about how the Holy Spirit ministered to you in such a powerful way. He is a healing God!

  3. we must always remember philippians 4:13...
    god bless~~


  4. What a powerful story of God's healing!!

  5. I love hearring that you don't need to take antidepressants anymore. That is so amazing! I'm very excited to see what God is going to do in your life. Thank you for bringing us along for the ride.

  6. I first read this at work and cried. What a brave, beautiful post. I can identify with so many of the things you said, (I'm always tired and not feeling well, or so I think). I think God led me to you at the perfect time. I'm blessed to ride along :)

  7. You are an amazing gift to me. One of those dolls that you keep opening up and it reveals another doll, and another, etc. Your layers are shedding, just when I thought I basically knew you, you reveal your innards. What an amazing inside you have to share with us.

    Such a life you lead and the willingness to let others in to pray for you and care for you. I love you so much, and am always praying for you.


  8. Thanks for sharing your journey so far... Have I mentioned that I actually own that book? My aunt gave it to me a couple years ago... I just haven't had the courage to read it... You are totally encouraging me to move forward.