Monday, October 26, 2009

We have a self esteem down...

... I repeat, a self esteem is down...
I'm feeling a wee bit like an all around failure lately and I'm having a hard time battling the lies. Normally I'd turn to prayer, but my mind has been so bombarded with the overwhelmingly negative feelings on speed that I can't get a word up to God edgewise.

So I'm trying to figure out what happened....Maybe it started with the champagne dinner date I was supposed to have with my hus while we watched the sunset on a blanket by the ocean. While I planned the meal and had it all set, by the time he was ready to go, all I could say was, "I'm overwhelmed. I don't want to. Can we go somewhere that I won't have to worry about clean up." FAIL.

On Friday I had so many hopes and dreams for what I would do with my son. Early morning barn run to let him play in the hay and feed the goats, playing at the park--something active. I ended up with a trip to Target, a PB&J he wouldn't eat, and a tantrum over withholding the blue raspberry icee I stupidly bought and let him try. Quality time and selfless focus? FAIL.
On Saturday my favorite crafting friend and my twin from another mother was in town and we had big plans for getting our hands dirty and business talk. We had so much fun but we didn't get to accomplish 80% of what we wanted to, I REALLY messed up by shopping at Urban Outfitters with money we don't technically have, and spending zero time with my husband & son. Minimal accomplishment, realization that there's not enough time in a day, & overcharged wit all i wish I could be but FAIL to be perfect at.

On Sunday, I was just in a funk. I wanted to do all of the things I dream of! I wanted to sew and to cook and to clean and to play with my son and to do a photo shoot, and to work on some marketing ideas, and to dream and I was just OFF. I felt sadly convinced that I should not even bother trying. I am wasting my time. There is not enough time. I am using my time unwisely. I sat there and punched myself in the face repeatedly saying, "Give me more."


I have been doing so well and right now I just feel STUCK.
Stuck in my hopes and dreams and the fact that reality beckons me.
I want to be a selfless mother and wife and all I find is a hunger to feed a selfish need to be more than who I am.
a heavy heart today and a mind swirling in darkness just fighting for a prayer to get out there!

images by beth retro


  1. I thought I was the only one who has these kind of days. I'll be praying that God encourages you, lifts your spirits and reminds you how much He loves you just the way you are! Lots of love and hugs.


  2. Sometimes all I can do is say, "help me!" and He's there. Sometimes you're to weak to pray for a bit and that's when your friends come in and pray for you! We all go through times like that! Don't be so hard on yourself! All of your ideas sound wonderful and you can try them another time when you're feeling better. :)

  3. Ugh, been here. He hears our heart, though, not our words. That is absolutely enriching and terrifying at the same time. Hang in here, praise Him anyway and you'll see the fruit flourish in a seemingly barren place.

  4. Lissa is so right...let us lift you up when you don't even feel like praying. You are being way too hard on yourself. You have a long list of things to accomplish that none of us could get done. Lower your expectations of yourself. I heard the best quote the other day....God expects more failure from you than you expect from yourself
    -*B. Manning

  5. I'm there with ya. We always have the best of intentions huh? If only things actually turned out the way we hope. You don't need to worry, we are praying for you. We are here to come alongside you and build you up when you can't do it yourself. You have such a big heart and always inspire me. He's reaching out...all you need to do is let go.

  6. Oh Allegra, I am sooooo right there with you lately. I hate how I feel, but I just can't seem to change it. I will be praying for you sweet friend!

  7. We all have days or times like that and let me reassure you ~ you are NORMAL!! This too shall pass and you will be a Winner ~ an Achiever of great things ~ Really...

  8. Definitely don't be too hard on yourself....I have often felt that way...and like Lori said, " this too shall pass" Pick yourself, and dust yourself off....and a quick Help heard, no formalities needed....Sending you a big hug today! XXOO

  9. Something must be in the air sister. I am having one of those unacomplished, too many things on my plate, wishing I could be endlessley succesful but don't even know where to begin kind of weeks. It seems I am not alone. As spoken by my favorite heroines teacher... "Tomorrow is a new day with almost no mistakes in it."
    I say, Erase...Start Over.

  10. Although those days aren't fun- everyone has them. I like to call them- reminder that I need God days. Sometimes they have no rhyme or reason but they do remind us what our worth is in. Thank goodness we don't have to do this alone.

    I hope you can find peace and confidence through Him today.


  11. Well we are certainly on the same page today. Don't worry, you are allowed to take a weekend off for you every now and then. :) I know how you feel about the sewing, baking, crafting, marketing. Never ever enough time. :)

  12. Oh, you are so not alone. I fight the "superwoman" syndrome everyday. It is so hard for me to understand that I cannot do EVERYTHING all by myself all of the time. That is something I am working on. Stop beating yourself up and put it in His hands. I am with you on the prayer thing. As hard as I try some days I just cannot make it happen. Here's hope for a brighter day tomorrow. Big hugs!

  13. We all have these moments.. you are wonderful and do so much don't be so hard on yourself! life likes to throw a lot at us at once and then we feel overwhelmed. Don't let it get you down, tomorrow is a new day, for new opportunities, new hellos, new time for you to kiss your sweet son and a new day for you and your hubby to just be. wishing you a new day, fresh start with a lot of happiness,

  14. Well it seems all of us have had these days recently :( The good thing is, we can all rally around one another and support each other.

    Looking at your list of things you wanted to get done and then actually did get done, I don't see any of them as failures. You are a great mom,wife, and friend even without doing what you had planned. I often have to remind myself of the things I did get done, the ways I did try...because it is so easy to see the other side of the coin.

    Saying prayers for you girl! I hope you get through all of this quickly and know how good you are at so many things :)

  15. sounds like the devil is about to get you right where he wants you...don't give up. fight him and win.

  16. I can totally relate! I had a crummy day today was filled with frustration and nothing but stress seemed to come of point is we all have these "off" times! But tomorrow is a new day and God is always there when we're ready to throw up our worries and concerns.

    Hope tomorrow is a much, much better day for you...


  17. I have days like that - sigh....i SO KNOW that feeling.

    I think those said it best when they said: Ease up on yourself. It is time to scrap and prioritize. Say no. It is so freeing to say no to things. Praise yourself for doing one thing a day: "yay, I did the dishes" "yes! I didn't leave the wash in the machine and it doesn't smell like mildew" "aaah, I made it to work on time - yay!"

    Because let me tell you - as Ash gets older and involved in more things - there will be less time in the day. sigh....So - prioritize your top 3 - in a week of a to-do - that way you'll have 7 days to get those 3 things done.

    love you, Legs - know I'm always here and know the feelings you've got!


  18. sending many prayers your way! to lift you up, hold you tight and bring you peace!
    Many Blessings! and extra prayers too!

  19. Oh, how I know what you are feeling right now. I will be praying for you. We all get like this at times and we just need to take a few days to relax and regroup. You'll get your motivation back! :) Sending hugs your way!


  20. Sending you a big hug are being too hard on yourself my dear, way too hard, being a working mom is so hard...finding the time to do everything we want, even harder. Prioritize what you want to do, start saying no to things you need to say no to, and remember these days shall pass...keep that head up and always remember you are a good mommy, even without the giving your son that blueberry icee, and a great wife even without champagne dinners and wonderful friend always!

  21. Oh....if you only knew me deeper girl.
    I am CONSTANTLY failing....
    as a mother...
    as a friend...
    as a wife...
    as a shopkeeper...
    as a person..
    and am constantly striving to be higher and
    stronger than i can ever be.
    I have given up.
    i am done.
    I have to put my priorities first..and that is mother and wife....
    all else will fall into place.

  22. You sound like me last week. Remember?? Moving in molasses, so much to do, sad etc... I hear ya girl. One thing we have to remember is that we are human, we fail...tomorrow is another day. And love ourselves because we are NOT perfect and never will be. You'll be alright. I know you will:)

  23. I think you are just missing me. A trip to Shannonland might fix the funk. I love you my favorite friend. I will be praying.

  24. we have ALL had those days. but tomorrow always brings a new day to try our best. keep the faith. hugs, susan

  25. I am positive you will find peace in all this chaos. You always have a kind word for me and I really do appreciate it.

    Know that you are loved, that you are amazing and that you make a difference every day. I am sure of it. Sending warmth your way.

  26. good morning sweet girls
    i realize i'm a day late & a dollar short on the comments here but i just would love to hug you & say much of what others have said before.
    i can totally relate to you
    i often times feel failure that i'm not doing enough well or doing enough even right.
    your heart is in a tender place & i pray you feel bright again soon...maybe today you already do.
    love to you allegra

  27. i meant 'girl'
    not 'girls'
    you're probably thinking...dang, who's she preaching at!

  28. Girl, I am way behind here and I need to get caught up asap! All I can say is, we've all been there. Repeatedly. I recently heard a pastor talk about the fact that if we feel insignificant, it is because we are searching for significance in places we were never intended to find it. If we look for our significance as daughters of our Heavenly father, we will find it. This struck me so hard. I feel insignificant and fraudulent on a regular basis. I feel like at any moment, people around me will realize that I am a failure, too! I've been trying ever since then to search for significance in places that matter. We're all on this journey, you know? All we can do is keep growing and learning.

  29. Too much lately I have been over booked and too busy to the point where I just shut off everything. Avoid all my problems and responsibilities for at least one night. We all have these days.