Sunday, February 14, 2010

Unravel Overload

I have been struggling with something for several weeks now.
I have been struggling with who I am, what I want, and obedience.

When I was ten, I wanted to be a CEO of a major corporation.
You see, I went to the office with my Dad and I loved working...correction...I loved earning money.
He paid me $2.00 an hour to deliver office supplies to whoever needed them.
I'm sure no one did, but I loved it.

In Junior High my world fell apart.
My parents went through a custody battle, my sister became sick, and I became depressed.
By high school I had an eating disorder and became a cutter.
I felt I learned that counting on others meant I would always be failed.
Despite having an amazing step father
I believed that marriage didn't work.
By college I was a feminist.
Not because I hated men but because I learned that a woman would always need the ability to provide for herself.
My stake in feminism wasn't about proving a point
it was about survival and taking stake in who I am.
Ironic that through that identification with feminism I entered into horrific relationships.

I was desperate to be loved and fighting to be solely independent.

Long story short, post college I found a road and relationship that saved me- my faith.

Not too much later I found myself married and as they say, first comes love then comes marriage then comes the baby in the baby carriage.

I totally and completely FOUGHT it.
I wanted to be exactly who I was before I had my son and I hated every moment that I couldn't be.
While I loved my son, I hated myself.
I wasn't depressed that I had a child--he is perfection.
I was pissed that daily I had to surrender to the fact that I could not be independent.
I was devastated that daily I was humbled into asking for help.
I fought everything in me and all that was around me:
the women who sent me books about how being a stay at home mom is so important, the women who never had to work to make ends meet, the women who could be the perfect working mom...
NONE of them were me and I had NO idea who I was after my son was born.

A year after his birth, I took a chance and set out to fulfill a dream.
I felt invigorated. I felt proud. I felt independent. I felt like ME.
I felt all the things that I had wanted all my life...
all of my life before I grew up.
Somewhere in the pursuit of MY destiny I realized I had abandoned my family.
I had a husband never.once telling me to stop and a son who would grab my hand and say "sit down"
and I would look at both of them and say
Wait while I feel important?
Wait while I be who I want to be?
Wait while I do what I want?
All of it.
I just wanted everyone in my life to wait so I could do what I wanted to do.

But then I heard something.
I got a very loud message...
Life slips away when you aren't looking.

I had a husband who was building a business I started with him but left him to do alone.
I had a son who was moments from two and I missed learning his vocabulary.
I missed where I was going.
So I made a choice.
I chose to be obedient and let go of a dream I was chasing.
A dream that made me say "WAIT" to the man I'm in a covenant relationship with
and the boy I have been charged with the responsibility of raising.
I was obedient and I let go.
And there have already been moments when I'm doing the dishes and I want to scream loud enough for someone to hear me:
and then I realize...we ALL give things up.
My husband gives things up ALL the time for me.
And perhaps I'm tired of giving things up--
Perhaps I'm pissed I gave up my childhood to parents who couldn't get it together
or I'm devastated I sacrificed my relationship with my biological father for siblings who just don't care
or I'm broken over the physical pieces of my heart I gave up to men instead of waiting like He asked me to.
I am.
I am tired of giving things up.
I wish there was a way to have it all.
But right this phase of my life..what I was asked in my heart to give up was the right thing
doesn't mean it doesn't hurt like hell
but it was the right thing for me in the end.

I chose to enter through the narrow gate of what was before me:
my family or myself.
I chose my family.

I guess I really didn't give anything up because what I have, people dream about--I dream about.
I just got really caught up in wanting it all.

So I wrestle now a little bit with the obedience, the desires of my heart, the need to be intentional with my time...oh the everything there is in one person's heart and I search for those special Words of Encouragement:
"Enter through the narrow gate. For wide is the gate and broad is the road that leads to destruction, and many enter through it. 14But small is the gate and narrow the road that leads to life, and only a few find it."
Matthew 7:13-14

"Then he said to them all: "If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me." Luke 9:23


  1. What we give up to be mom's is so hard sometimes. I sometimes find the need to go jump in the car & drive..alone....just to get a break from it all. I love being a SAHM but the sacrifices can be overwhelming sometimes. You are not alone. What a powerful and moving post. It has really made me think....have I been obedient enough to my amazing husband & 2 beautiful kiddos? Sometimes I can be a bit selfish....maybe someday I will learn to balance it all and be ok with it. Blessings to you. Thank you from a blog fan for the words of encouragement.

  2. Thanks for sharing such a personal story! I struggle with the same sort of thing everyday. I have been on both sides of the spectrum. Working single-mom with loads of guilt, married stay at home mom with no identity. I went from making my own money and having full say in how I spend it, to making no money and feeling like I have to account for every dime that I spend. I think all mothers make sacrifices and it is hard! I am working on my listening skills. It seems that I always pray for the answers but don't always hear the response. This post is beautiful and has given me a few things to think about. Have a wonderful day.

  3. so beautifully incredibly honestly's so hard to always leave the "me" behind and look only toward others...but it is our highest calling and one that delivers the greatest Blessings!
    Thanks for sharing your heart- He has given you a lovely one!
    Have a wonderful week!
    Many Blessings!

  4. I love that you shared this. We can all relate to parts of this... Your story of truth and redemption will change lives. I am inspired by your courage to pull off the mask and speak from your heart.

  5. sweet girl
    i too think we can truly relate to your thoughts.
    & i think you will channel this new energy as you choose your family, i am certain, an even better you will soon follow.
    & then

    thank you for sharing. you are so real
    & i truly respect you

    bless you today girl

  6. I have always appreciated reading your blog because of your honesty. You did not disappoint was honest and beautiful and raw. Thank you for sharing your heart with so many, with me. Being a servant is hard when I want to please myself, just have a moment of quiet, but I pray that my husband and my boys see Jesus in my daily living. I have no doubt that being a mother is the hardest job I've ever had and brings the greatest joy. Your family will see Jesus in you because of your obedience because it is our love that draws out our obedience. Thank you for your blog...God is using you!

  7. After reading this, I feel like it is a post to be celebrated. I feel like the question of 'which path to choose' has been answered, and that you're now living your purpose. If you didn't have those struggles in the past, there would still be uncertainty about which path you should choose now.

    I simply adore you. Love you and have such an amazingly unique perspective on your sweet life. I am so grateful for His wisdom putting YOU + ME in the same FAM-I-LEE. loooooooove you.

  8. This was beautifully honest. God is Faithful to complete what He has started in us (what He knows is best) - and while it varies so much from person to person - He's still so faithful...

  9. Oh my goodness--do I ever identify with this post!!! Every day is a sacrifice--laying myself down--and I never knew before just how selfish I am! But the blessings of obedience! They will be passed down from generation to generation!

  10. I admire you for your courage to write your truth. So many times I read your posts and I feel better knowing that I'm no the only one struggling to find my way through this maze of motherhood.

    I know I can always count on you to "keep it real".


  11. what an incredibly honesty post and a wonderful blog you have here. loving your real-ness, it's what we moms need, truly. blessings