Monday, January 4, 2010

The Weight of Hope

Ever felt hope but it seemed to have the weight of a lead vest?
Ever praised but simultaneously felt how closed your heart was?
Ever loved deeply but felt like pushing it all away?
Ever had so many positive intentions but they all seemed so impossible?

I don't mean to be depressing.
I hate what's pouring out of me right now.
But I am really struggling.

I am stepping in the right direction but I find myself in puddles.
I am thinking forward but drowning in things I can't define.
I am praying but feeling like it's a distant voice from my own heart.
I am desiring "okay-ity" but I am soooooo heavy.

I feel different.
I feel "over it" but everything about the weight of my heart, my mind, and my body tell me I'm not and

I find myself gazing out of windows forgetting I'm in an office.
I feel my throat close in like I want to cry but there's no specific reason.
I have friends that want to love me but I-just-CAN'T try right now.
I am blessed with a husband who wants to help me take cookies out of the oven and I lose my $&*# because I burned them.

I feel hopeless but I know what hope is.
I guess this could be called depression but this is not what depression has ever been for me- I'm not on a ledge but I am so very incapable of being anything but alone.
I feel prayer-full but my heart is incapable of FEELING the hope of praying.

So many great intentions and yet the very real need to just RUN farther than I can imagine even if I know my troubles will be my kite strings.

{image by Yann Pendaries}


  1. still praying. I'm sorry you have such a heavy heart! Try to remember it won't be this way forever! God is still God right? I used to get mad when people would tell me that this too shall pass. but it's true. There are always good days that break up the bad~ even if they feel a long time in coming!

  2. Sweetness, you are still grieving. Things are not ok right now, but they will be. Keep letting your husband comfort you - it's good for him, too.

  3. I have felt the same way. You have experienced something traumatic and it's ok to feel the way you're feeling. It's so hard to understand why God let's things like this happen, but we have to trust that He knows what he's doing and He LOVES us!

  4. I am not wise nor have the perfect solution... i think allowing yourself to feel this way {the good and the bad really allow yourself to go through the stages you need to} because there is no magical number of days or weeks that tell you you should feel differently.
    Know that hope surrounds you

  5. I love what Lulu said - allow yourself to feel. Don't get down or hard on yourself because you think you 'should' feel different.

    I love you - make sure to use those around you - husband, ME, etc to vent if you need to. We can take it. And so can He. He can take it all.

    Love you ~

  6. cheers to lulu!
    you know my number if you ever want to talk.

  7. Thinking of you, hope your grey skies clear soon.

    You're in my prayers.....

  8. Oh honey you are depressed and with good reason. You can't rush a healing. It takes time. Keep praying even though it feels fake and distant. God hears your pleas. He will comfort you and eventually the pain will lessen and you won't feel numb anymore.