Thursday, January 28, 2010

Get Real

I am lucky.
I have friends that tell me when to cut the crap.
Friends that hear the "I'm fine" even if it's through an email and tell me to
get real, come clean.

So I did.
And this is some of what I was able to purge thanks to my friend.

I'm in this big transition phase. I feel like I'm "over" the miscarriage. It sucked but it's done and behind me but that ONE thing kinda flipped my understanding of how I was living upside down. I went from running full speed 24/7 to coming to a daunting dead stop. I had this unwanted moment of complete free fall and landed on my back and it left me laying there staring up wondering, WHAT HAS TO CHANGE?

It has taken weeks to commit to what I felt I had to do. I had this BIG dream and was haunted with how much my dream drove me away from my reality as wife and mom. I pushed my family aside constantly for what I wanted. I didn't--I don't--have the ability to juggle well. I don't know how to turn off so the dream me was always on and the family me was something I was telling to wait for when I was ready--I was just never ready.

The miscarriage made me re-evaluate ALL of it. What was I doing? Was I happy? What are my priorities? And it was the toughest thing but I felt I was being lead to set "my dream" aside because what matters right now is my marriage and these precious moments of my son growing up. So I quit my dream by choice. This is the one thing that could wait for me. The one thing I could get to when my son was "done" being raised. And it's been emotional. There's this side that wants to scream DO YOU SEE WHAT I GAVE UP and this other side that is so at PEACE that I get to live out a dream I never expected I'd want: a family.

I really AM ok with my choice but there's the pride element, this selfish element that I'm trying to set aside knowing that I'm being obedient to what I feel called to do. I guess I just feel conflicted: How does it all work? How do women do it all? but I know, we all sacrifice something to be a mom, a wife, ourselves, a friend...there is always sacrifice....I just had to choose: what sacrifice has least amount of "profit loss"? The answer is: choosing my boys.

So here I am.
Mourning a loss-
Celebrating a gain-
Learning who THIS me is.

It's true...the days after the brutal work out yield the most immobility. So, I just have to stretch the aches out and keep running in this new direction and shaping this new me.

Deeeeep breaths.....


  1. Mom's don't do it all, we do what we can and hope that it is enough. Sometimes we succeed and sometimes we fail but we always get back up because that is what we are called to do. Keep on keeping on, the journey is a great adventure.

  2. I applaud you, for your honesty, for your decisions.

    You are an amazing person and I feel privileged to get to know you here. I'm so sorry about the miscarriage. You've made some big decisions and done a lot o soul searching. I wish you peace.

    I'll be sending thoughts of warmth and happiness...and contentment your way. I takes a lot of strength to make the decisions you've made. You should be so very proud.

  3. Wow...stumbled upon you out here in blog land...what heart felt words. I think we could write volumes of a book on this topic. The pull between woman, wife, mom. It is SO hard. There is NO easy answer. And everyones answer is DIFFERENT. We just moved to a small town that is perfect for our family and yet has no job possibilites for me. I struggle almost everyday with this. When I pray about it I keep hear, "just be mom" and I am waiting for the day when my heart and head both tell me the same thing instead of looking around for that something else, the "me" part, the dream part. I wish you much success on your journey. Thanks for sharing, Vicki

  4. I love this post. I want my husband to read it. Sometimes I feel like he has yet to grasp that this family he created with me is more successful than he realizes because he is always chasing other dreams. It's hard to put our wishes and dreams aside for the greater good but when I look at our girls I know this is the reason we were put here on the earth. To raise these sweet ones, to teach them while learning so much ourselves. Really the learning about ourselves seems to be the real gift having kids brings us. You're brave to see that change needed to be made. I always appreciate your honesty. :)

  5. being a mom is all about sacrifice even when we are hurting, which is hard sometimes. you're doing a good job, it'll all be ok. take care.

  6. Your writing is always so beautiful and real. I wish we could get together right now and talk.

  7. I can so relate to just realizing the path you are on is not the path God is leading you to. My husband and I have been trying to conceive for almost two years and within the last couple of weeks I hit rock bottom and realized, I don't get a say in the matter. I was bitter, angry, jealous, resentful... the list goes on and on. But God was so patient with me, and just kept showing me that he has a plan- and when he is ready for me to be a mother, he will bless us with a child.

    Good luck on this journey, God is teaching you BIG things right now! I read a quote in a book called "Crazy Love" lately that said "There is NOTHING normal about this day, DON'T MISS IT!". It always helps me to remind myself to be present and focus on what God has blessed me with.


  8. Thanks for your honesty Allegra, I think many women are right there in your shoes and there is nothing more precious then family at the end of the day...kudos to you for seeing that. xo

  9. hugs to you my cousin. those were pierced my heart. i just love how you're able to verbalize what I often feel. makes me feel like I'm not as crazy a person that I think I am....

    love you...tgif.


  10. Absoultely beautiful post..and its funny because I went through the same thing (miscarriage) and your thoughts just echo so many of mine. So glad to have found you on here :)

  11. Glad you are figuring out some things. Being a mom is a doubt about it. But I do think that giving up your dreams until your son is raised would be a shame...depending on your dream. God knows our heart's desire and in His time all those good things, the things we've been waiting for...will come to pass.

  12. I just found your blog by chance & this post just grabbed me and pulled me in. I am so sorry for your loss and what you had to go through. As a SAHM I can relate to feeling all alone at times. It is comforting to know there are other mom's out there trying to figure out how to juggle it all. You are not alone.