Monday, November 30, 2009

.:.when time slips away.:.

This has been a long day proceeding a wonderful week.
After seven hours of waiting in an airport to eventually end up on a bus in order to take our first of two flights + a 4 hour drive I find myself heavy with thoughts.

I'm not quite sure how to begin or where to start, if a beginning even exists, because my heart is wrapped up in years of moments that tingle with strong emotion.

For the last week my boys and I have spent our first long family vacation with my dad and my step mom in Ketchum (Idaho, not Oklahoma ;)I'm 27.
Seems irrelevant but valid in this case.
For 23 years I didn't have a relationship with my dad-I've said it before, I know.
One of my first fights with my now-husband was over my broken relationship with my dad.
While he desired to marry a woman that was whole I believed he had no right to speak into that part of my life.
Four years later, it is because of him that I am able to see my dad--that I am able to talk to him.
It is because of my husband acting as a bridge that I cry every time my Dad and I part.
The only way I can explain it is that this overwhelming need to never lose another moment washes over me.
I weep not for the moments I lost necessarily but for all of the present I want to build.
I don't want any memory I make now to end but to keep going.

As we hopped on the bus today and headed to an airport sans-fog
I wept into my shirt sleeve and fought to silence the gasping breaths amongst total strangers.
When I was calm I asked my husband...
Do you think it's worse to have a friendship with your parents NOW if it meant not knowing them as a child
Is it worse to ALWAYS be a child to the parents who you know and raised you in your youth?
I don't really believe there is an answer to that question.
What I do know is my husband I struggle immensely with the parents who raised us.
In their eyes, we are always children.
We are never adult enough to make our own decisions without a heaping spoonful of guilt to salt the batter.
We are never free of who we were as a child, but permanently frozen in who they knew us to be.
What I do know is the despite the absence of my biological father for whatever truths there truly are
I had a wonderful man I also call Dad raise me.
And lastly, what I know is the type of relationship I want with my son.
Ironically, I desire the relationship with my son that I have now with the Dad I am just now getting to know.
To him, I am an individual worth knowing. I am both old and new. I am a baby and I am an adult.
Ultimately, I am someone he doesn't want to lose again.
This makes me valuable
not for how I can fulfill him
but for what he wants to learn about me.
I want eyes to see my son as an individual.
I want a heart who loves my son for who he is now and who he will become.
I want unending encouragement for his dreams.
I want endless love for him during his trials and his triumphs.
I want to let him go when I have to.
I want to follow him where he goes, not ask him to stay where I am.

All of the things I want somehow come from all I lost but have now found.


  1. Beautiful story beautifully said. Blessings to you.

  2. perfectly beautiful Allegra.
    you have a relationship now..and that's what matters the most.
    missed you.

  3. Just beautiful!!! What a joy and a Blessing to have found such peace from the past...
    Many Blessings!

  4. Ive said it before, and I will say it again, you are amazing! You have such a beautiful way with words, thank you for sharing yourself. Welcome back!

  5. What a beautiful story! It truly made me smile. Have an awesome day!

  6. Welcome write so beautifully and I am glad you have a wonderful relationship with your dad now...that is all that matters.

  7. You make me think about how I parent, how I want to know when to let go when the time comes... and pray i don't mess up...I'm so glad you have your Dad in your life... whaat a wonderful trip you had. Beautiful pictures.
    Thinking of you and wishing you a wonderful holiday season,

  8. Wow... that is so sweet and deep and thoughtful. As parents, we have such weight into our children's future don't we?

    So glad you are able to look at your past and use it for a better future.


  9. This got me. That's all I can say... xoxox