Monday, November 2, 2009

Where's Me?

It's been a while.
I've felt lost.
I've felt disconnected.
I've felt so...unlike me.
Do you ever miss yourself sometimes?
Wonder why you run around crazy and what you do it for?

Last week was a crazy week.
My Dad made a semi-surprise stop in town after a business trip.
The thing about having my dad visit's completely emotional.
Usually when he leaves, I cry like I'll never see him again.
This time, I didn't cry, I filled the emptiness up with busy-ness. I just feel heavy from the running.Remember how I was reading Life's Healing Choices?
I was doing really well and sharing the journey with you.
I hit Choice 4 and I've been on standby ever since.
Pastor Rick Warren said it would be the toughest Choice.
The Choice that most people stop at.
The Choice has kicked my spiritual and emotional asphinctor says what?
(No Wayne's World Fans? Oh well, then it's kicked my @$$)
The Choice itself has not left me heavy...not completing it has.
It's time to move forward and complete the chapter.

So, there's my Dad visiting + the healing I'm working on.
Can we throw Halloween and an early Thanksgiving on top of it?
I seemed to dive right into the deep end of "I'm not feeling this because if I do, I'll implode."
I think I just need a good cry--I can feel the lump in my throat--I just can't let it out.Here's the thing...
a lot of healing I need to do stems from my relationship with my dad.
I didn't have a relationship with him until I was 25.
Before then...well, before then I understood myself only by how I felt defined by how horrendous the "relationship" was.
Now when I see him, I fall apart not wanting him to leave, not wanting to miss another minute.
I feel like I have lost time to make up for.
Scars that need the Neosporin that is his presence.
Our relationship is a constant reminder of the parent I don't want to be and the child in me I want to fix.
Needless to say--
I miss me.
I miss the me that can afford to hear my husband when he speaks,
the me that can hold my son without an ache of sadness that I didn't have what he has,
the me that functions.
I just need a moment.
I just have to cry before I can be ok again.

{pictures from our Halloween and 1st Thanksgiving of the Season}


  1. Hello, my friend. I'm praying for you. I wish I could send you a big hug. xoxo

  2. It sounds like you are going through a lot right now. Take the time you need to heal. It never comes overnight, it's always a long process...but worth it. Let yourself cry it out if you need to, but then let the Lord restore you.

    Thinking of you.

  3. I just found your blog, and I wish I could give you a hug. I too have father issues only I have not had contact more than a random card in 25 years. It is so hard to really know yourself when your not real sure what half of yourself is like. This probably makes no sense, but know that I am feeling your stress with you.
    xxx kim

  4. Sometimes we just need a good cry! I miss me sometimes too... it's hard to look at our kids and think about what we wish we would have had... Hang in there sweetie... this too, shall pass.

  5. I can relate to you in so many ways and on so many levels. You can verbalize what I can only think in my head...I have never had the ability to put into words how I feel and you do it so beautifully!

    I totally get the daughter/dad relationship. I had a very similar experience and I was also well into adulthood when I was able to have a relationship with my dad and I totally understand the feeling that you're never going to have enough time to make up for all that you didn't get as a little girl.

    You never will! Cry, let it out...mourn the part of you that will never know your dad the way you wanted to. Let it all out and be done with it!

    Please just embrace and cherish what you have today! Soak up every word, every moment, every gift of today.

    Love and hugs,

  6. I agree, sometimes a cry is what we need. Praying for you, I imagine this is tough.

  7. I agree crying is something Ive been doing alot lately i do the same thing with keeping myself busy so i don't have time to stop and think and fall apart ,at the time it seems logical but in the end its probably not good . I can relate to the dad thing i finally now have some sort of relationship with him though it still feels weird.
    I think one of the reason I'm scared to be a parent is the fear of ending up like him and having them have to go through the same thing i did.
    Stay strong things will get better you will find you soon i wish the best for you ,your such a sweetie I'm so glad i found your blog

  8. Have a good cry...let those tears wash away the "film" that has been covering the beautiful you...everyone has times where we wonder where we are...hidden underneath all the "stuff" of're not alone!
    sending you a GIANT hug, a shoulder to cry on, AND lots of prayers!!
    Many Blessings!

  9. There is nothing wrong with a good i say get it all out.
    You are so normal....
    and loved.

  10. Your cry will come when you least expect it... i missed myself this summer, i felt so unlike myself. Time helped and i finally got my groove back. Wishing you a good belly cry... and for your lump to dissolve. Beautiful table.and I love your gorilla, haPPy November,

  11. :( I hope that writing this all out helped. Thank you for being so vulnerable. It is so easy to wear a mask in the blogger world and pretend that life is perfect. It is refreshing to hear that other women struggle too and we are all in this together. *hugs*

  12. okay~ 1st of all... You do amazing an amazing table for thanksgiving. 2nd of all~ I think this is all part of healing. I'm an emotional roller coaster. I'm up... I'm down.... I'm happy with life... i feel jipped... I know for me part of my problem is remembering to take every thought captive. I read something cool today. It said would you allow your mind to go there if jesus was standing next to you reading your thoughts. Anyways, It totally helped me this morning. May not pertain to you at all....

  13. Sweetie, my heart aches for you. Let all the tears flow. I understand exactly what you mean when you say you miss yourself. You're in there still, just keep searching. Praying for you and that you can get a little slice of peace soon.

  14. Oh hon just let it out. The Lord knows it all already, but climb up into His lap and let it fall. He loves you so much. The healing will come.

  15. How I long to give you a huge hug and listen to you talk over coffee. I'm thinking about you and praying for you. I will go before in prayer.

  16. Well I say let it out my friend! It'll do you good to do it...and I'm sending a prayer your way and a great big hug :)

    :) T

  17. It's amazing the emotional affect fathers have on their daughters. Mine has never been around and yet it rocks me to the core and breaks my heart every time I think of him. We have to have those moments where we just cry. Something releases out of us through those tears. Love you.

  18. Wow... I can't tell you how much I appreciate you being so candid on your blog. God is funny in the way he draws you to other people.

    I can't say that I have experienced the father relationship that you have, however, over the last year God has taken me through a valley of trials, and being lost is something I can relate to. Two verses always help me.

    Psalms 34:18 18 The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.

    2 Corinthians 1:7 And our hope for you is firm, because we know that just as you share in our sufferings, so also you share in our comfort.

    Turn to him, he is ALWAYS good. Sending prayers your way.

  19. My sweet cousin-friend. I have no idea how I missed this yesterday.

    I love your vulnerability. It is so contagious, and your vulnerability is what is growing, stretching and aching your heart. You are transforming into a beautiful butterfly right before my eyes. I am so encouraged, motivated and inspired by YOU.

    I ache for your broken relationship. I love how it is making you an amazing parent. I love how you have allowed an amazing man in to charter the boat of life with you.

    I am so so so so so thankful He put us in the same family.

    Hugs my cousin-friend.


  20. hang in there, sending hugs. susan

  21. you are amazing....your journey to healing inspires me-- i know that can sound cliche when you are trudging through the process, but your thoughts are normal & i've missed me somedays too
    i love your open heart
    blessings to you sweet girl