Thursday, June 30, 2011

Surviving Division

What am I afraid to say, speak, and give light to here?
Who am I afraid I will offend, hurt, wound?
There are some things, some people, one can define by brokenness.
Likewise, there are moments, or hearts, one can define by survival.
I am survival.
I am survival with scars that can be ripped open, scabs that can be peeled back, by the shards of glass that hide under rugs survival has carpeted over.
At the end of the day though, I am strength, determination, and Saved.

I was born to two and became one in a unit of 5.
5 one day became 4.
4 one day became 5...times two.
Then 5 became 3 with 2 remaining that floated between 4 and 5.
One 5 always missed one and one 3 often missing 2.
It's the math of divorce & division.
You find your number and you fight to survive in a broken whole.
And then one day, if you fight, you become 1.
1 apart from the broken division who can stand as an independent whole.

You stand up, you walk out, you choose a new life.
You choose to Saved.

I am not afraid to speak or give light to my rebirth.
Truly Saved.
I cannot be afraid to wound when I only speak of what my truth is.
My truth is light, love, and everlasting life.
He defined me by forgiveness, divine intervention, & healing.
And on this earth, I do carry scars.
Scars that can be reopened by the brokenness of others.
Scabs that can be peeled back by my own memories.

Today I saw a scar and I shed tears--
for the division of the original 5 and all the 1's and 2's within the 7 key players.
Another 2 will exist together and on the outside I stand.
But theirs is not mine and I cherish what my 2 is.
Sadness exists for what is
but as quickly as it hurts, I bandage the wound and acknowledge it's real and move on.
No sense wishing for something new.
This is the reality of an original 2 that birthed a web of 7 and all were original victims but none must remain there unless they choose it.

I choose survival.

image found here

Tuesday, June 28, 2011

Simple Joy

Being still is new for me.
I'm someone who has a million things going on all at once.
Take away my ability to be employed and well, move, & here I am with a true gift.I have been finding myself LAUGHING--laughing hard--when my husband cracks a joke.
I see my son's cups, the tent he put over his bed, his pj's draped on his dresser and I smile vs. feel burdened.
I know I can't do the chores so I'm exercising my ability to ask for help & then let go knowing it won't be done how I would do it, but it will be done.

I'm relaxed.
I'm at peace.
I'm choosing to enjoy what will be a very brief moment in my life of silence & stillness.

I'm finding the simple to be the most beautiful- a bunch of sticks my son collects on a walk are now a treasure.

True gifts.
Simple Joy.

Monday, June 27, 2011

Love's Mercy

Is help something that is hard for you to ask for?
It is for me.
I don't believe it's pride that makes it hard, I believe it's a mixture of not wanting to burden anyone & needing to stand on my own two feet.So what happened when I found I couldn't even stand on my own two feet?
I battle a stubborn desire to resist diagnosis & yet somehow force myself to surrender.

I am 33 weeks pregnant and recently I was put on total bed rest.
I have ONE goal: make it to July 14.
It's been a challenge to feel 100% mentally capable and yet know/feel my physical limitations.
So I lay in bed with my toddler at school and my husband at work and I rest.

I am at the mercy of those who love me & it's an overwhelming blessing to see the neighbor that delivers meals twice a week, the friends who volunteer to get our groceries, bring food, or help with our son and the family who shows up to put us first.
Somehow the baby's clothes are getting washed, the build out is getting completed, the office will eventually transform into the baby's room, the furniture is moving, the errands are getting run, we are all getting fed, the house is getting clean, & I am taking care of one little life who needs me more than anyone else does.
My husband is employee, business owner, construction worker, daddy, mommy, maid, & care giver.
And, he's those things with this smile, this joy, and this devotion that make me feel like I can surrender.

I can learn this thing called: rest.
I can find this thing called: stillness.
I can search this thing called: grace
I can be everything I need to be: at peace, in Him, in love, and in restful excitement for this brief moment before we welcome our new one home.
This baby will bring change and a new start to three people who can't imagine a different life from what we live but will soon not know how we lived without our new addition.

Off I go now to rest in a new peace caring for one and being cared for by all.

Thank you, Family & Friends.

Sunday, June 12, 2011

How to Know When You're Ready for #2

I'm 10 weeks out from D-Day.
I'm pretty sure no one, including myself, really thought the day a #2 would be announced would ever really happen.

If you've been around this blog for any period of time, a common theme of mine has been my struggle with motherhood.
If this is your first time here, I should clarify- my struggle has never been with my son, it's
I think the odds are inevitably stacked against you if you
a) SURPRISE-got knocked up.
b) have no close circle friends with kids & you're the pioneer
c) will be a working mom when you don't want to be OR it's NEVER been done before in your in, EVER

Mix those ingredients all together, and you get a...mess/disaster/self destructive catastrophe.

So, it appears I got over it, right?
I mean, I DID elect to shoot for the moon and add another one, right?!

I'm not sure I'm actually over any of the things that I struggled with the first go round but two things are different:
1: We planned this one (more accurately, we worked for this one).
2: I'm not the only one in the friend circle with a kid any more - I am just the only one going on #2 (crap)

How did I know I was ready?
I don't think I am ;)
We just knew that we wanted our son to have a sibling & we wanted our kids to be close in age.
There's a larger gap between #1 & #2 then we anticipated but, there's that little truth:
"We can make our plans, but the Lord determines our steps." Proverbs 16:9

Here's the difference between going from 0-1 then going from 1-2:
I'm not stupid this time.

I know what to expect in this rodeo & I know it ain't all magic & rainbows--
It's stitches, gauze panties, leaky boobs, sleepless nights, a whole lot of emotional break downs, & some damn good sweetness, too.
This time, there's a bit of apprehension:
crap: how do I divide in two (aside from physically, cuz I know how that one works!)? how will I get one kid to work with me and pick one up when my work day is done? how do I get in and out of a grocery store with a toddler & a newborn?
(Ok, now I have to stop putting the questions out here in the universe because I'm giving myself contractions.)

All this to say, for me, I don't think there ever IS a ready for #2.
There wasn't even a ready for #1.
It's just a choice, and you make it, and you do it.
You have your good moments & your bad ones.
You have your smiles & you have your tears.

I must say though, I am super excited to meet this little one!
I'm excited to finally have a name, to put the room together but I'm also taking the time to savor what's left of my time with my son.
Oh the journey....

Friday, June 10, 2011

The Day It All Made Sense

{journaling from June 8}

I hopped in the car this morning and headed to work.
A little groggy, a little worn down, but in my routine.

I backed out and turned on the radio to the usual: KLOVE and there was a beautiful new song
Beautiful Things by Gungor
It's a simple song with a perfect message:
"You make beautiful things out of dust. You make beautiful things out of us."

I rested on it

The day unfolded with nothing special.
It included the mundane, the frustrating, the witnessing of hurting hearts.

It wrapped up quite differently.Back in April my mommy-heart was shaken.
As my husband found employment, we found my son without someone to care for him.
At the words of our previous daycare provider,
"We haven't saved a spot for him in his absence,"
I broke.

It was my last straw, my glass is now empty, my "I'm done."

I found myself in my office parking lot hiding behind a car and crying on the phone to my friend:
Where am I going to take my son? Who is going to care for him? How am I going to make this work?

At the time I couldn't see the plan.
I felt attacked, defeated, and so frustrated.
I no longer had the physical or emotional strength to carry my family as I felt I had been.
While I had been relying on Him & I sure did have faith, my human body was tired and I, in that moment, felt alone with too much change!

Today what happened in April became so clear that I saw my God looking down on me with a smile and saying,
"I knew what I was doing, Daughter. I love you. I go before you in everything."

I was so overwhelmed by what He had saved my family from, what He had delivered us into in advance without my knowing that all I could do was tear up and praise His name.
All I could do was return the glory to Him.

Not everything that happens in life comes with a clear "here's the reason why" answer at the end like I received today.
Many times, that's a really hard thing to take and we spend years asking the big question WHY but faith isn't about having the answers.
I know that regardless of what is clearly revealed tome, everything that happens DOES happen for a reason! Ultimately, His plan is far superior than my own.

Oh, He is Good!