Monday, April 12, 2010

Son Missing. Replaced with He-Devil.

It would happen that we experienced "The exorcist of the Midge" last night.
It was just par for the course of my heart's emotions in the last week.
Already on the brink of giving in to my desire to crawl in bed and stare at the wall for hours,
this was the last straw.

He's two weeks shy of being two and it's like someone flipped a switch.
I was close to putting up a missing persons ad:
Loving nearly-two year old missing. Replaced with Chucky-esque monstrosity. If cute blonde baby is found, please return him to his parents. Mother on verge jumping in car and driving off the coast.
I wanted to make myself laugh at the very thing that was catapulting me into the thought-pit of failure.
I know "terrible-two's" is a phrase for a reason but I had NO idea that it could be like this.

We went to put Midge in bed last night that and that was all it took...
Out came a convulsing, screaming, body throwing maniac and I went right into:
He learned this at school! He's not going back!
If I were a stay at home mom, this wouldn't happen.
If I played with him more, he'd still be OK.
This is about ME!

There was no talking me off the ledge, I was broken.
My heart was on the floor and I was in a puddle of "I can't do this. I am not made for this."
Along with all the other inadequacies I have been feeling lately, I just couldn't stomach this.
It made me feel like my mom was right--I shouldn't have more kids.
It made me feel like maybe we should just move to Oregon and my dad can help us.
It made me want to give in to all of my bad thoughts and just surrender.
And still--I want to cry.
Even though I've now been told I'm not alone.
I still, very deeply, feel the weight of the thoughts of others who are on the outside looking in and feeling like
"They're all right. I am failing by working. I would be failing to add another child to our family. I have just FAILED."
And it's dark inside my heart right now.
It's dark and lonely and while I fight the anxiety, the panic, the depression
I fight it alone and with the desperate desire to be OK.
I fight it with prayer, even though my heart feels like it's shut off and unable to feel it and the words feel forced and the love feels absent.
God, I'm trying!

Missing: mother's sanity.
If found, please return!


  1. This to shall pass,I know that sound r-i-d-i-c-u-l-o-u-s,but its true.You are not a "bad" parent for choosing to work,your little is almost 2 and my friend he is a boy these things combined make him a little "monster" at times.I have 4 and i can tell you i have felt the wy you do on more than one occasion and i have at times chosen to hide in my bed, just wanting to surrender,however i realized that my littles were just being themselves and I would get nowhere by giving up it would just make me fall further and further behind.What i did chooses to do was make the most out of the time we did have and do things that fed both me and my babies, and guess what? i survived and i had more:) dont be so hard on yourself.i am prasying for you.

  2. jeez sorry for the typos:)

  3. does it make you feel any better to know that I've stayed at home with mine since the first was born 10 years ago today, AND I home school them....and all three of mine can be monsters at times? like least once every single day!!! I have 2 boys and 1 daughter and the girl throws a fit just as easily as the boys put together.

    this thing called parenting helps us to know of our deep need for Jesus and his grace.

    I would say that it will all pass...but I'm a 37 year old that STILL acts like a monster at times...and by "at times"...I mean at least once every single day. :)

    you're a great mama. and you'd be a great mama to more than just one baby.

    God's mercies are new every morning...

    praying His peace overwhelms you.

  4. Allegra,
    I am so sorry, but I have to say when I started reading this I laughed. (NOt at you!) I swear Zoe woke up on her second birthday and that switch was thrown, Josh and I say this often, we don't know what happened to our nice well mannered (most of the time) lil girl. If it makes you feel any better, from my understanding they all go through this. I have had moments where I have thought, if I stayed home with her she wouldnt be that way, truth be told though look at some of your friend who do stay home with their kids, they have to deal with it too, at least that is what I found.
    Zoe will be three in September, I can see the light of the tunnel, most days are getting better but then there are days like yesterday!
    Here for you if you need me.

  5. Turning two does turn some sort of switch. Its not fun, but I swear everything comes in phases. B has good days and he-devil days and I totally know what you mean by wanting to crawl into bed and just hide. I love you and vent with me anytime. I know the stage you/we are in all too well. Love you so much!

  6. I think every Mama has been there, whether she is willing to admit it or not! I know I've been there. I still visit "there" on a semi-regular basis. No matter what our life looks like, we all have those guilt-inducing things that nag at us. It's such a monstrous (no pun- ha) job and of course we feel inadequate from time to time! But, like everyone says, it will pass. My advice is to hold firm on the boundaries that he is testing. That is how he'll learn and even how he'll learn to feel safe. It's something they all have to do, sooner or later. And I feel like sooner is probably better.


  7. You are NOT alone... They challenge at two, at twelve, at eighteen. Some days I thought I would go out of my mind, and wanted to walk out the door and never come back. But that passed, and we all survived, and you will too.

    Big hug to you!


  8. Oh gosh, hang in there! I can sort of relate right now. I am trying to stay at home and be a "perfect" mom while at the same time, take a full time college load. I go to my one face to face class twice a week from 8:00-11:00 pm. After my Tuesday night class I have to go and do laundry at the laundromat since we haven't gotten a washer here yet. So, home at around 1:00am. I will be up at around 6:00 am since my precious 21 month old monster wants to get up then, just to make my life miserable (I'm sure). Oh, and that terrible two thing, she started that at about 17 months! I keep praying that maybe, just maybe, she will grow out of it by the time she turns two! Needless to say, my house is a wreck, I have non-stop homework, and sometimes I want to give my child to the next person that says "your daughter is so cute" just to prove that she isn't all of the time. I keep telling myself that this too shall pass. You aren't alone. You CAN do this. Keep praying and putting all of your troubles into God's hands. God Bless.

  9. I think you are somewhere that we all have been with our kids, life, self at one point or another. The unfortunate part is that we keep it to ourselves as to not appear to be the failure we assume people will see. Maybe if we all lay it out there, like you have, we will not feel so alone. Keep in mind that underneath the pretty packaging that we allow others to see is usually the same insecurities and doubt... you are not alone and very brave to allow others to see what is underneath.

  10. I'm on the lookout for mine too!!! ;)

    My youngest has been chasing two year old behavior for several weeks now (and his birthday isn't until MAY!!!)

    It stinks, I'm with you on this struggle, even today!! Just stick to your guns and don't let the enemy fool you into thinking it has anything to do with YOU. I like the way Mary Poppins puts it, "I am kind, but extremely firm."

    It's just the age/stage that brings out the crazies in them...

    Whenever I feel at my wits end I go out in search of possible solutions or tips to tread through these sticky spots - here's an article that I came across that I found helpful recently:

  11. For both of mine the "switch" came at 3. It was a nightmare. Thank God they came out the other side good sweet kids. Just be consistent, and breathe in and out...pray:)

  12. this is when reaching out is so helpful... i wish children came with a handbook and I wish there was a handbook for parents to know how not to feel defeated, broken and lost. I have been there and still am depending on the day and the age of my kids. I'm finding it doesn't get easier as they age it's just different challenges... in some crazy way this makes us all stronger. I hope you don't feel alone once you read that we've all and are been there... support is so helpful.

  13. You are fantastic and complete and inspiring. Don't you ever forget that.