Get Real

I am lucky.
I have friends that tell me when to cut the crap.
Friends that hear the "I'm fine" even if it's through an email and tell me to
get real, come clean.

So I did.
And this is some of what I was able to purge thanks to my friend.

I'm in this big transition phase. I feel like I'm "over" the miscarriage. It sucked but it's done and behind me but that ONE thing kinda flipped my understanding of how I was living upside down. I went from running full speed 24/7 to coming to a daunting dead stop. I had this unwanted moment of complete free fall and landed on my back and it left me laying there staring up wondering, WHAT HAS TO CHANGE?

It has taken weeks to commit to what I felt I had to do. I had this BIG dream and was haunted with how much my dream drove me away from my reality as wife and mom. I pushed my family aside constantly for what I wanted. I didn't--I don't--have the ability to juggle well. I don't know how to turn off so the dream me was always on and the family me was something I was telling to wait for when I was ready--I was just never ready.

The miscarriage made me re-evaluate ALL of it. What was I doing? Was I happy? What are my priorities? And it was the toughest thing but I felt I was being lead to set "my dream" aside because what matters right now is my marriage and these precious moments of my son growing up. So I quit my dream by choice. This is the one thing that could wait for me. The one thing I could get to when my son was "done" being raised. And it's been emotional. There's this side that wants to scream DO YOU SEE WHAT I GAVE UP and this other side that is so at PEACE that I get to live out a dream I never expected I'd want: a family.

I really AM ok with my choice but there's the pride element, this selfish element that I'm trying to set aside knowing that I'm being obedient to what I feel called to do. I guess I just feel conflicted: How does it all work? How do women do it all? but I know, we all sacrifice something to be a mom, a wife, ourselves, a friend...there is always sacrifice....I just had to choose: what sacrifice has least amount of "profit loss"? The answer is: choosing my boys.

So here I am.
Mourning a loss-
Celebrating a gain-
Learning who THIS me is.

It's true...the days after the brutal work out yield the most immobility. So, I just have to stretch the aches out and keep running in this new direction and shaping this new me.

Deeeeep breaths.....

How A Girl Got Her Name

My name is Allegra Love.

I use to hate my name.
I am the 4th consecutive Allegra Love in my family.
This caused much confusion growing up
(and a lot of nick names...like Little Legs).
And while I use to hate it
I love it now
(but it will not be passed on should there be any little girls in my future).

Four generations ago,
My Great-Great Grandfather found the name in a poem.
I bet her never knew how it would stick!
Between the dark and the daylight,
When the night is beginning to lower,
Comes a pause in the day's occupations,
That is known as the Children's Hour.

I hear in the chamber above me
The patter of little feet,
The sound of a door that is opened,
And voices soft and sweet.

From my study I see in the lamplight,
Descending the broad hall stair,
Grave Alice, and laughing Allegra,
And Edith with golden hair.

A whisper, and then a silence:
Yet I know by their merry eyes
They are plotting and planning together
To take me by surprise.

A sudden rush from the stairway,
A sudden raid from the hall!
By three doors left unguarded
They enter my castle wall!

They climb up into my turret
O'er the arms and back of my chair;
If I try to escape, they surround me;
They seem to be everywhere.

They almost devour me with kisses,
Their arms about me entwine,
Till I think of the Bishop of Bingen
In his Mouse-Tower on the Rhine!

Do you think, o blue-eyed banditti,
Because you have scaled the wall,
Such an old mustache as I am
Is not a match for you all!

I have you fast in my fortress,
And will not let you depart,
But put you down into the dungeon
In the round-tower of my heart.

And there will I keep you forever,
Yes, forever and a day,
Till the walls shall crumble to ruin,
And moulder in dust away!

The Children's Hour
by Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

{3 of the 4 generations}

JoY

Joy
Pure, unadulterated Joy.

I don't think I have known what that is for awhile.
What I did was fight.
I fought to be an independent woman.
I fought to be perfect.
I fought to resist the change that being a mother is to everything "normal".
I fought...
tirelessly and relentlessly.

Lately
I just feel JOY.
I feel freedom from perfection.
I feel released to live.

Instead of tallying the ways I rock in my head (I did the dishes ten times, I made the bed 6 times, I cleaned the bathroom 9 times...) I serve my home freely.
Instead of refusing to claim my address as anything more than a temporary stop on the way to the next best thing, I'm now taking down the sheets I used as curtains and replacing them with real ones, I'm testing paint colors, and I am living gratefully.
I am embracing a heart filled with Joy and a life abundant with Freedom.

The rain stopped and the sun came through the sky on Friday.
I gathered my little boy up for some play in the drive way.
When he ran right into a puddle in his freshly laundered shoes, I chose to laugh vs. cringe.
I scooped him up and went inside to slip him into his rain boots.
We walked up an down the street gutter while he splashed in the pools of dirty water.
I Loved EVERY SECOND.
(Even when he tipped over and was completely drenched in gunk)

Joy and Freedom.

Found

A month ago I lost something...someone.

A month ago I had a broken heart.
Some days I feel guilty for being okay now.
Some moments when I'm sipping wine or eating sushi I think I shouldn't be and then feel selfish that I'm glad I am.
Maybe that is just coming around to the other side though.One month ago when I stared lifelessly at the comings and goings of other hospital patients thinking I wouldn't be able to smile again for some time...
wishing I could just be alone
He found me.

I don't believe God took my unborn child.
I don't believe for a single moment that I was punished.
I know my God. I know His goodness like I know my best friend.
What I know is He doesn't waste anything
{Thank you, Shannon, for constantly reminding me}
He used this moment of brokenness to break my heart for Him.
and it HAS.
I am a different me.
I have new eyes to see, a new heart set on fire with a new love, and a passionate thirst for MORE.
My deliverer is delivering me daily.

My husband. My cousin. The friends I have allowed in--
they have lifted me up, covered me in love, and waited patiently for me to find out what this new outlook on my life really is as I let Him shape it.
I am grateful beyond words and on fire inside with praise that I am standing in confidence in what I have been given and how He is going to use me.
I just keep healing.
ready for it?
One Day At A Time

Chapter 9: His Purpose

At the risk of sounding like a broken record, I'll press forward in what I want to share.
The Power of a Praying Wife
by Stormie Omartian
Chapter 9: His Purpose

Lately I've been thinking deeply about my husband.
I have been thinking about who God made him to be and how I can support him in that.
Repeatedly I have heard the man I love say, "I'm a jack of all trades but I don't know what I'm made for."
I have always thought his many gifts are so amazing...if only I could do the things he does with the patience he has!
I don't think I understood what it means for a man not to be confirmed and affirmed in what he does until now.

My husband and I have always felt like we, as a couple, are missing a link to what He is wanting us to do, where He is wanting us to be and the other night I read a chapter that just struck me.
Chapter 9.
I felt spoken to about how deeply our purposes are intertwined and yet our own.
I just wanted to share this in case you don't have the book...in case you feel like your husband is struggling to find God's purpose for his life and in turn, you feel the unrest yourself.
It really touched me as a wife....

"Everyone has a purpose. It's the reason we exist. It's our life's mission, objective, or plan. Generally, we're here to glorify God and do His will. How that specifically translates in our lives is unique to each of us. Your husband needs to know the reason he exists. He needs to be sure his life is not just an accident, but that he's here by design. He must be certain he was created for a great purpose. When he discovers that purpose, and is doing what he was created to do, becoming what he was created to be, he will find fulfillment. This can only contribute to your happiness as well.

If I've learned anything being married two and one half decades, its' that a wife can't put pressure on her husband to be something, but she can pray for him to become it. She can pray that he be molded according to God's plan and not anyone else's. Then, who he becomes will be determined by whether he hears God's call on his life or not. For God has 'called us with a holy calling, not according to our works, but according to His own purpose and grace which was given to us in Christ Jesus before time began' (2 Timothy 1:9). Your husband is predestined according to the purpose of Him who works all things according to the counsel of His will' (Ephesians 1:11, 12). But you still need to pray that he hears God's call, so that who he is and what he does lines up with God's purpose for his life.

You can always tell when a man is not living in the purpose for which God created him. You sense his unrest. You get a feeling something is not quite right, even if you can't put your finger on what it is. When you're around a man who is fulfiling his calling and doing what he was created to do, you're aware of his inner direction, confidence, and deep security. How do you feel about what your husband is doing with his life? Do you lack peace about it because he is on a path that's unfulfilling, beating him down, or going nowhere? If so, then pray, 'Lord, take my husband from this place, reveal to him what You've called him to be, and open doors to what he should be doing.

Praying that way doesn't mean your husband will be pulled out of what he's doing and dropped into something else. It can happen that way, but often what takes place is a change in the man's perspective. I have a friend named David, who has worked for years in a factory, making airplanes. When he heard the call of God on his life, he knew he was to help troubled teenagers in low-income families. He also knew he wasn't to leave his job to do it. As it turned out, his work provided enough money to support his family while it afforded him exactly the kind of hours he needed to do what he had to do. He has organized food distribution to needy families, free concerts for underprivileged teens, Christian outreaches for the unsaved, and peace talks between rival gangs. He has done as much to bring restoration to his strife-torn city as a man could possibly do. His is by no means an easy job, but it is fulfilling. And he has a sense of purpose that is unmistakable when you're around him. Physically, he is not a large man, but he is a spiritual giant and you know it when you're in his presence. His wife, Priscilla, also hears God's call on his life and she supports it in every way she can.

Whatever God has called your husband to be or do, He has also called you to support it and be a part of it, if in no other way than to pray, encourage, and help in whatever way possible. For some women that means creating a good home, raising the children, being there for him, and offering prayer support. Other women may take an active role by becoming a partner or helper. In either case, God does not ask you to deny your own personhood in the process. God has called you to something, too. But it will fit in with whatever your husband's calling is, it will not be in conflict with it. God is not the author of confusion, strife, or unworkable situations. He is a God of perfect timing. There is a time for everything, the Bible says. The timing to do what God has called each of you to do will work out perfectly, if it's submitted to God.

If your husband is already moving in the purpose for which God has called him, you can count on the enemy of his soul coming to cast doubt-- especially if he hasn't yet seen anything close to the finished picture or realized the success he had envisioned. Your prayers can help cast away discouragement and keep it from taking hold. It can help your husband to hear and cling to God's revelation. It can cause him to live his life on purpose."

PRAYER:
"Lord, I pray that (husband's name) will clearly hear the call You have on his life. Help him to realize who he is in Christ and give him certainty that he was created for a high purpose. May the eyes of his understanding be enlightened so that he will know what is the hope of Your calling.
Lord, when You call us, You also enable us. Enable him to walk worthy of his calling and become the man of God You made him to be. Continue to remind him of what You've called him to and don't let him get sidetracked with things that are unessential to Your purpose. Strike down discouragement so that it will not defeat him. Lift his eyes above the circumstances of the moment so he can see the purpose for which You created him. Give him patience to wat for Your perfect timing. I pray that the desires of his heart will not be in conflict with the desires of Yours. May he seek You for direction, and hear when You speak to his soul."

I have a prayer list a mile long today and a heart so full it could combust.

I'm piecing together recent conversations and making a patch work quilt out of what makes sense.
Talks of dreams and who I once was. Talks of hopes and who I am now. Conversations littering my mind while I build from where I'm at.
Peacefully hoping.
Prayerfully waiting.Everyone handles their path differently.
This is how I handle mine: I feel my heart through it, I write my way out, & I converse on repeat until I come to a level ground of confidence.
It's not wrong but it's not fast.
And at the moment, I want to arrive at my destination yesterday.
I'm praying & listening.

Sometimes when I pray, I realize I already have the answers--I just don't like them, so I pray a little longer hoping God will change His mind.
{He's patient.}
Sometimes I pray and I'm not sure I heard Him right so I ask again for clarity and then I hear him without hesitation.
Sometimes, it's easier not to hesitate than others.So my heart is a whirlpool of question right now and I'm asking:
God, what's your plan for me?
I see You working. I feel You moving.
I'm waiting on you because I don't have the confidence to move yet.
Lord, be patient with me and guide my every step.

I'm learning who I am as a wife. I am growing in who I am as a mother.
I know who I want to be--or who I wanted to be--and I'm digging through that earthly confusion.
One lovely moment at a time.
Just one--
at a time.

Relatively Wordless

I like to say it as it is here without apology
so here it is:
I was a tag along this weekend.
and it was FUN.

3 Girl friends meeting in one central location that I so happen to- infrequently- refer to as home.

Being that one of them is my soul sister and I work with the collective, I got to pretend I was one of them-- and I might add, I never felt I wasn't.

So while I sit and listen to the rain fall, the baby screams wishing he could command me to rescue him from his overpriced prison, and the husband is out with other photographer friends shooting in the rain, I am unwinding.

My weekend in photos....

While I would love to end this photo with the raddest thing that happened to me this weekend,
I fear you would dry heave as I did--
My soul sista and I witnessed the actual birth of a baby elephant seal.
And yes- I have ACTUAL photos.
While my soul sista cried (she's pregnant- I'm pretty sure it was joy vs. horror) and I momentarily grabbed her arm and gagged, I did shout out a victory cry for the elephant seal mama,
"YOU DID IT, MAMA!"

What's the craziest thing that you witnessed this weekend?