I have found myself in that all to familiar hole again.
The hole of exhaustion, defeat, selfishness.
The hole that includes asking for much and giving little & saying yes to the wrong people and no to the right ones.
In an atmosphere of ultimate change from home to profession my adjustment has been less than stellar. It's as if my whole world flipped hemispheres and I have lost my balance to walk in grace, mercy, and love.
If you've tracked my blog for any amount of time, you'll know, this thing called "mothering" comes in waves for me. I constantly feel as if I am one week on and three weeks off.
In my "on" times, I am loving, patient, excited, & more selfless than usual.
In my "off" times I am every aspect of the word DONE.
I find no joy, it's all a burdensome load of work, my expectations for my two year old to function as a 28 year old are high, and my relationship to my husband is one that functions on exhaustion and score keeping.
It's a state of DONE that comes from being so ON everywhere else but in my heart.
ON in mobility, commitments, expectations that deplete the ability for me to be ON where it matters most: HOME.
In this time of adjustment I feel the weight of a new role at work that has me cast as "the new girl" where I am constantly reminded that I am not in High School anymore so at the end of the day, what matters is I am doing my job.
At home I come home and see the projects in piles and so much abounding newness that I am too overwhelmed to sit and enjoy this moment of excitement that will not last forever.
It's all a feeling very similar to when my son was just a baby. This weight of "I can't wait til this is over" and I am crushed in spirit as I desperately need to be here now before it's gone.
At the heart of me:
I miss my husband. I miss our friendship and ability to love without 10,000 things in between us that need to get done as he juggles two jobs + being the handy man of a new home.
I miss my son who's face lately seems to be in the way vs. my gift.
Convicted:
"Sons are a heritage from the LORD,
children a reward from him." Psalm 127:3
Convicted:
"Whoever can be trusted with very little can also be trusted with much" Luke 16:10
Convicted:
"Because of the privilege and authority God has given me, I give each of you this warning: Don’t think you are better than you really are. Be honest in your evaluation of yourselves, measuring yourselves by the faith God has given us." Romans 12:3
These are the words I have heard recently calling out to me knowing that my God is my Father who loves me and in His love can forgive me. He does not expect perfection of me as I humble myself before him, so why do I expect it of myself?
I am desperate for a heart change so this morning I am before Him saying,
"Lord, I am sorry for how I have been acting. I am sorry that the blessings have become burdens. I am sorry that I have said yes to extending my energy at work so when I come home I am saying no to my boys. Lord, I thank you for forgiving me and ask You to help me change today. Let me see my boys the way You do. Intercede and repair my empty heart. I thank You in advance for your healing. I love you, Father. Amen."
The hole that includes asking for much and giving little & saying yes to the wrong people and no to the right ones.
In an atmosphere of ultimate change from home to profession my adjustment has been less than stellar. It's as if my whole world flipped hemispheres and I have lost my balance to walk in grace, mercy, and love.
If you've tracked my blog for any amount of time, you'll know, this thing called "mothering" comes in waves for me. I constantly feel as if I am one week on and three weeks off.In my "on" times, I am loving, patient, excited, & more selfless than usual.
In my "off" times I am every aspect of the word DONE.
I find no joy, it's all a burdensome load of work, my expectations for my two year old to function as a 28 year old are high, and my relationship to my husband is one that functions on exhaustion and score keeping.
It's a state of DONE that comes from being so ON everywhere else but in my heart.
ON in mobility, commitments, expectations that deplete the ability for me to be ON where it matters most: HOME.
In this time of adjustment I feel the weight of a new role at work that has me cast as "the new girl" where I am constantly reminded that I am not in High School anymore so at the end of the day, what matters is I am doing my job.
At home I come home and see the projects in piles and so much abounding newness that I am too overwhelmed to sit and enjoy this moment of excitement that will not last forever.
It's all a feeling very similar to when my son was just a baby. This weight of "I can't wait til this is over" and I am crushed in spirit as I desperately need to be here now before it's gone.
At the heart of me:
I miss my husband. I miss our friendship and ability to love without 10,000 things in between us that need to get done as he juggles two jobs + being the handy man of a new home.
I miss my son who's face lately seems to be in the way vs. my gift.
Convicted:
"Sons are a heritage from the LORD,
children a reward from him." Psalm 127:3
Convicted:
"Whoever can be trusted with very little can also be trusted with much" Luke 16:10
Convicted:
"Because of the privilege and authority God has given me, I give each of you this warning: Don’t think you are better than you really are. Be honest in your evaluation of yourselves, measuring yourselves by the faith God has given us." Romans 12:3
These are the words I have heard recently calling out to me knowing that my God is my Father who loves me and in His love can forgive me. He does not expect perfection of me as I humble myself before him, so why do I expect it of myself?
I am desperate for a heart change so this morning I am before Him saying,
"Lord, I am sorry for how I have been acting. I am sorry that the blessings have become burdens. I am sorry that I have said yes to extending my energy at work so when I come home I am saying no to my boys. Lord, I thank you for forgiving me and ask You to help me change today. Let me see my boys the way You do. Intercede and repair my empty heart. I thank You in advance for your healing. I love you, Father. Amen."
Awesome prayer and I think that every mother, working or not, finds themselves in your shoes from time to time. I heard it said once that you can't be all things to all people all the time. I tend to dive head first in one area of my life while another area decays before my very eyes. I struggle to find a balance in a life that gets busier by the minute. Praying that prayer right along with you.
ReplyDeleteYep, I've been there too, friend.
ReplyDeleteIt's great that you are are aware of the struggle and can respond by choosing to pray such a sweet prayer in the midst of it that I KNOW will be answered.
Have you heard of the new-ish blog, Inspired to ACTtion? I have so enjoyed and appreciated the majority of what's brought up there for us mama's to consider and be spurred on by during this season of caring for young children and families.
There is a GREAT discussion going on there along the lines that you shared about that I think you'd be blessed by.
Check it out!
http://inspiredtoaction.com/
hello sweet girl.
ReplyDeletepackage is "offically" in the mail.
I know your up's and down's...because i have them also.
the mothering thing...been there.
the husband thing...done that.
we had a date last night...i haven't seen him in ages....it was different.
It's funny how we "should" put our families always first...but don't always want to. Sometimes i just want to hide in a closet.
Take each day..one day at a time...and prioritize it. Somedays..it's the hubby that we need to give our all to...other days it's the child...or the new house.
one day at a time....one day at a time.
xoxo
praying for you...anyone who is honest can say they've been where you are at today....
ReplyDeleteLife is not easy. Marriage is not easy. Parenting is not easy. Work is not easy. But who wants an easy life? It would be shallow, empty, boring and everyone would hate you. It is the challenges and trials that bond people together. If you stood in a room with many others who had lost someone to cancer you would feel a special bond with those you've never even met before. But if you stood up with people who got to go to Hawaii every year on vacation there would be no connection with them. As all the crap of life gets thrown in my face this is the perspective I struggle to keep every day. I love you. You are such a strong and faithful woman of God. You will get through.
ReplyDeleteOh Legs. I swear you jumped into my heart and wrote my hearts-cry at this very moment...one cry I'm not quite brave enough to voice. Thank you for paving the way for me, and being the strength I need right now.
ReplyDeleteI LOVE that you are my family, and love even more that you are my FRIEND.
We need to go back to Norway. Ok, maybe not Norway - but somewhere else.....Just think we were there 11 years ago, this week!!!!!!!!!!
Love you to pieces and pieces.
It's so good you write about it cause you are not alone... it's the rollercoaster of life i call it...and some rides are longer faster curvier than others. Sending you love,
ReplyDeletexo,
LuLu
Life is HARD! And we're only human! :) The Lord never asks for more than a heart that seeks Him (and His forgiveness). What a beautiful and honest prayer.
ReplyDeleteBlessings!
If you care to stop by, I'm having a little giveaway on my blog. :)
Hang in there, Sweets. And don't be so hard on yourself. We are all a work in progress.
ReplyDeletexxoo
Sweetie I have been there too! I love the verse in Romans. I will have to keep that handy. Hang in there and trust in the Lord. He will get you through.
ReplyDeleteyour prayer is beautiful, you're on the right track my friend. asking for help from the Lord, he will answer. hugs, susan
ReplyDelete