This is what Mom's do....

I wouldn't call myself a helicopter parent.

In fact, I err more on the side of not wanting to upset the team, the school, the professionals, vs. raising cane on behalf of my sons.

I don't need my children to be the all star athlete (thank goodness, because they can't run without tripping), I don't need them to be straight A students (please don't be smarter than me!) & I don't need them to be the most popular (Actually, please don't be. That's too much unhealthy pressure!)

What do I want for my children then? 

I want to figure out who they are & give them every damn opportunity to be bold, confident and brave in those areas! (And perhaps I want to infuse their lives with a bit of my own selfish passions like love of adventure & a heart for Jesus.)

In the past month my inner mama-bear has been tested.

We walked into a new school system with two months to go in the school year. It was quickly brought to my attention that my son is "behind his peers" and "it's on [me] to catch him up." I was less quickly given options, assistance, & direction. It really was ON me. 

At eight years old, my second grader is scholastically passionate and seemingly statistically average. What do I say to that? BE passionate, son! I don't care what grade you get; I care that you try your hardest, I care that your eyes light up when you imagine seeing the Statue of Liberty in person, I light up when you spew facts you learned in class or ask questions we have to look up answers for together. THAT is success to this mom. 

I have NO problem with my son having a deficit or area of improvement. I don't expect, need, or anticipate perfection, but if there IS an issue, I will do whatever I can to give my children a leg up, to bring their head to the surface, to throw them a life raft, and/or to provide them with opportunity. When my son's teacher told me he was behind I asked: what can I do, where can I go & how can I help? But instead of answers I got: google it.

I started to feel crazy! How far behind is he? How much help does he need? What kind of help does he need?

I've been conflicted. I excused the teacher's distance with "it's the end of the school year....it must be frustrating to get a new student from a different state..." and I began to own what was "on me" to help him with. I began chasing down avenues for myself. I would not raise cane, it's my fault we are the inconvenience...

This is what Mom's do, right? We worry. We love so big our hearts explode and our brains are never off. How can we BE everything our children need while still being our selves and honoring our marriages as the priority?

To make a long story short, I had NO idea where to turn, I had my son assessed at Lindamood-Bell Learning Processes. As a mom, I needed to know how behind was my son? Was the teacher not teaching or was my child drowning (in her one week time with him). What I got was peace of mind. My son wasn't behind at all! He was ahead of his current grade level in his ability to comprehend and every piece that is involved with that. I cried. And then I got angry. I was furious I had spent weeks worried and wondering if I had missed something these last few years of his schooling. I was livid his teacher hadn't given me resources, hadn't offered to teach him what her classrooms processes are, I was angry at her.

When the kids were in bed & my husband was asleep, I sobbed until 2am. I mourned the work of our cross state move, the frustration with the school system, the exhaustion I felt emotionally. I praised God that I had answers, I had gotten help from friends, that I now knew what to do. I unloaded all of my feelings and questions and doubts and thanks that had been stuffed so tightly in but I now had permission to move past.

This is what Mom's do, right? We worry. We love so big our hearts explode and our brains are never off. This is what we do. We lay our hearts down at each morning drop off, pick them back up at each afternoon pick up, question our sanity, practice-practice-practice patience, strive to balance scholastic expectation with normal childhood needs along with sharing our faith, answering their questions, and providing them with a healthy family. This is what we do. And the job never ends, but if we're lucky, we know we aren't alone. I know I'm not alone. I've got a merciful God who reminds me to show that teacher mercy, to forgive, a God who asks me to lay my burdens at His feet even when I think they're mine to cling to, and a God who lets me weep & in the weeping shows me He loves ME just like I love my boys.

This is what Mom's do. 

BE STILL

There have been only a couple of times I have had words stir on my heart without rest or understanding & recently was one of them.  

While I have known who Jesus is for my whole life, I didn't realize He was "mine" until I was twenty-two. For years I had lived on the borrowed understanding of His grace, love & mercy from my mom not quite understanding I could have something of my own with Him; not even knowing I was missing it until it became so real & personal that it changed my entire life.  At fourteen He made it clear He was protecting me, covering me, & walking ahead of me but I was too injured & broken to know how to take Him in; He waited. 

BE STILL; These words started circulating my existence in the every day a few months ago. I would feel them stir in me when I was frazzled, I'd scroll social media and the verse would appear multiple times a day, several times a week; BE STILL was permeating my vision. 

"Be still, and know that I am God." Psalm 46:10

There was an aspect of this message that I understood because of my relationship with Jesus, I was being asked to

• TRUST in Jesus
• WAIT on Him
• Be PATIENT 

but I didn't know what I was being asked to be still for or why? 

I thought I had it nailed, "Ok, God. I can do this with You. I know you're merciful & good. I know You make plans to prosper me. I know that what is meant for evil, You work for Your good. I know You have NEVER failed me, You have ALWAYS loved me & provided for me. I got this."

It became clear that the BE STILL was that our family's life was about to change.

Jesus was providing an opportunity for our family that we hadn't faced before. In 10 years we have experienced much job loss but never the opportunity to advance & choose to move into a new position because we were pursued, wanted, or needed. 

It's here my relationship, my SELF, my FAITH was challenged. 

I poured myself into bible journaling, podcasts, & the aggressive pursuit of His word in order to draw me closer to understanding what He wanted me to.  I had all the tools in my faith-arsenal to BE STILL, trust & wait. I had the gumption to exercise ASKING Jesus for BIG, BOLD, UNBELIEVABLE things and TRUSTING He WOULD make them happen. My failure, as it turns out, wasn't in the the ask, however, it was in that I unknowingly said "in MY timing, EXACTLY as I'm asking."

I found myself crushed. More than that actually, I removed myself from that table with Jesus & I decided to lay face down on the couch giving Him the cold shoulder. 

Why?

He asked me to wait LONGER than I had been prepared to. He had a plan that was BETTER than what I was asking for, yet, because I was so locked into MY specifics, I felt like the opportunity wasn't blessed or ordained. What I wanted was for it to be EASY, for the story to be a TESTIMONY & it seemed like it was just a test; a chance for me to eat a slice of humble faith pie. 

It has been an incredibly overwhelming "moment" I've been having with God. Until this past Sunday, sitting at church, I couldn't let myself off the hook for my failure. While I KNEW God forgave me, I couldn't forgive myself. The enemy had me caught in my own net with lies on repeat: I failed my Father, & I embarrassed myself before Jesus.

But here's what TRUTH says:

• "You are God of forgiveness, always ready to pardon, gracious and merciful, slow to become angry, and full of love & mercy." Nehemiah 9:17
• "You do not stay angry forever but delight to show mercy." Micah 7:18
• "God is merciful & quick to forgive" Isaiah 55:7

I didn't FEEL forgiven & my guilt removed me from closeness with my Father. I cannot tell you how achingly lonely the prison has been. I couldn't unlock the gate. I stared off into the distance of something I knew I had but I wasn't released -- I was holding on but Jesus had already given me the freedom.  God forgives immediately & completely. 

BE STILL. I see the other side now. I didn't pass that test but it has become a new testimony. 

**for a wonderful message called MERCY FORGIVES, click here**

Jesus was at the park today...

Today was a beautiful day.

We chased down memories like they were fleeting,

owned moments like they were gifts,

captured time like it was ours to keep forever.

Today was a day that strangers cried & prayed.

What IF this moment was your last?

It could be.

-----

Today was a day I have no words for.

We walked up from the river after skipping rocks, collecting sticks, embracing the sounds of a lapping river and stumbled into a family's nightmare at it's beginning.

A woman collapsed at the park surrounded by her family.

My son was in shock not wanting to leave, not wanting to stay; 

I looked at him in the eyes, knelt before him & said, "lets pray."

I reminded him,

"Sweetie, do you know what God PROMISES?

That if two or more are gathered in his name, He is here!

We are praying for that family right now & He is among us."

Our prayers came to a close and a small group of teens behind us joined hands,

"We should pray"

a sweet girl's voice said.

The scene became chaotic.

Compressions began.

An elderly man on a bench was leaning on his grandson & blowing into his hanky.

He could do nothing for the woman he loved.

----

I've replayed it all in my head for hours.

The way things unfolded in the great divide of heaven and earth.

I wouldn't normally take a photo like this - I still have reservations - but I've never seen anything like this either.

A group of total strangers surrounded the man sobbing on the bench, encased him, and began to pray as one (on the right).

It was like heaven & it's glory opened and glowed above the loss the world was experiencing but the gain heaven was welcoming in  (on the left).

Jesus was at the park today.

Right where we stood.

----

Today was a beautiful day.

We chased down memories like they were that are fleeting,

owned moments like they were that are gifts,

captured time like it was ours to keep forever because it's temporary.

Season of Awakening

I started September fresh. Yes, the kids were back in school, but I had made some intentional decisions to make room for what mattered most by removing some of the things that mattered least. He is working in that space I have given Him.

I have realized this is a new season for me & it is a Season of Awakening. I'm not filling every nook and cranny of my time with to-do's but instead with just-be's. I find myself standing at times staring in all directions, "What should I do now?" And with those questions, there are choices: rest, read, be productive, play, invest in relationships, sow into others, meet with Me's; I have the freedom to choose and enjoy each one. I am not wrapped up in have-to's, idol obligation, self-striving, or insignificant distraction, but living in the the gift of now. 

I wish I could recap this last 8 hours of this day in a way that bled truth so vulnerable; so vulnerable you'd share in my heavy eyes but know my full heart that comes only from His love. I fear it may be impossible but I will try. 

It was 7:10am and I felt a gentle shake on my back.  Face planted firmly in the warmth of our bed, I bemoaned morning coming so quickly. I threw my legs over the bed, rubbed my eyes, & swooped my sweater over my shoulders, "Get in gear, Allegra, we're behind for a Monday morning with minions who need breakfast before school," I thought groggily. 

Cheerios. Coffee. Pack Lunches. Shoes on. Backpacks remembered. Out the door. 

7:49am, "Bye, baby, I love you!" I said as I cranked my head to the back seat. I say it because I mean it AND because I want to see my second graders face stare back silently saying, "moooommmm!!!"

I was looking forward to this day! I was thankful for this day. Just give me a cup of coffee and I would KNOW I meant that. 

9:00am, prepare for the dramatic drop off of my pre-schooler. He does not like letting me go. He cries and clings like those who know him wouldn't even believe. My baby.

"Oh, I'm SO lucky to be his mama. I'm so thankful Jesus that I get to be the one who takes him to school and picks him up. Thank you," I pray internally as his tears wet my neck. 

9:18am, I'm on the way to meet my Monday Mama for we are going to indulge in coffee and a mall hour. The sun is high, the leaves on the trees are starting to shift from granny smith to fuji & I turn the worship music on because there's nothing I want more than just to praise this morning:

I need you like the rain 
Come to me and sing again 
I long for your love so much 
I've wanted your pure touch

You are beautiful, beautiful 
You are beautiful, beautiful 
So beautiful, beautiful

I find my right hand reaching up as my left hand holds the wheel: half in heaven, half at the wheel. I lose myself in that worship moment not caring who drives behind or ahead of me wondering if I'm crazy. This moment is mine to be with Jesus & all I want to do is sing each word like I am before Him; He has given me this day, this life, and I am going to thank him for it. I am awakened to His mercy & grace.

11:03am I have found two pairs of pants that fit me in amazing ways & I'm shuffling the GAP sale section with my nearest telling her, "Jesus is REALLY showing me things," not even paying attention to the fact others can hear me. (The conversation is genuine but my volume may have been fueled by caffeine.)

11:30am ....need....deep, aching need creeps in. The smack of real life that steals your breath, makes you incompetent at knowing how to use your phone jolts me. I need HIM & I need him NOW.

I can lose myself in the worship song that starts to play...

Call my name
And I will answer 
All you need
It's here inside my arms
Just breathe
And you'll be safe and sound with me

I hear Ben Rector's song in my mind:

This isn't easy
This isn't clear
And you don't need Jesus
Til you're here
Then confusion and the doubts you had
Up and walk away

I tell Jesus, "I KNOW you! You had me dig my well today so when I was thirsty this afternoon I would KNOW. I would remember I NEED you, God, to love the gifts and mourn the hurt. Thank you for being my Father who loves me, holds me, lifts me up, walks ahead, supports behind, cheers me on, tells me when I'm wrong," and brings me to His chest. 

This season....be with me always....

3:23pm I am tired but I know truth. I am waiting but I know goodness. I'm writing to Jesus: I love you. NOTHING changes You. Thank You. 

The Season of Awakening. 

Housefires says it best for today: 

Oh, I've heard a thousand stories of
what they think you're like

but I've heard the tender whisper of love in the dead of night You tell me that you're pleased and that I'm never alone You're a Good, Good Father It's who you are
I'm waiting Jesus & you know what for. As I wait, I thank you for friends who show up, love that reigns true, & the truth that it is only You who can fix the unfixable. 

Am I There Yet?

The freeway went on for miles. It's amazing how enjoyable a road trip can be without a million stops for the bathroom & sans, "Are we there yet?" on repeat. Two empty car seats in the back & as many Starbucks drive thru's as we could stomach on a 6 hour drive. Just the two of us. 

"So, what exactly are we going to do?" He asked me from the driver seat. The sun beat down on my bare feat bugging him as they rested on the dash. 

"Well I have the schedule, but I don't really know what to expect," I replied. 

The husband & I were headed to Northern California to meet up with my grandparents & directors of a board called New Day for Children.

I come from a personal background that consists of a passion for the voiceless. It lead me to major in Women's Studies and pursue volunteer work with Women's Shelters and the like. I saw what New Day was about & accepted my Grandparent's offer to be on site with them. 

Away from the office and the daily grind,  my husband had the head & heart space to hear what we were doing. I read to him as the miles ticked by:

New Day for Children has taken a multi-faceted approach to meet the unique needs of the girls rescued, combining shelter, education and therapy to help heal mind, body and spirit. We provide education, restorative care and therapeutic services to girls’ ages 10-18 who have been victimized by Commercial Sexual Exploitation (CSE). Our goal is to care for the girls and help them recapture their childhoods, while building their self- esteem and confidence.

We heard the words, we gasped at the stories, we broke the silence of our own thoughts with made up games: "What would you do if you won this week's mega million?" (This is a game I love to play with my best friend, too).

We arrived in the brown, dry face of Northern California early that evening to stretch our legs & eat dinner with my Grandparents before a day ahead coming face to face with the strongest girls I have ever. ever. met.

There's something that happens for me in the wake of knowing I am about to have my heart changed forever; I go numb. It's as if the anticipation of the unforeseen trumps all of my ability to imagine. 

I lay awake that night with the TV tuning out my thoughts just enough to hear only my mind's thundering whispers. Since March of this year, God has been working in me and with me on some pending questions: what on earth was my over priced education all about? Why do I have a passion for the problem of the voiceless if it's one that scares my husband? How am I supposed to use that soft spot in my heart for His kingdom as a mom and a wife? And then there were the questions I wasn't....I am not...ready to ask still because I know how my Father works. He is good and He is merciful. He waits for me to make the ask & when I overcome my own fear, He answers. 

---------

Morning broke & my stomach growled. I battled the blackout curtains & my sweet husband,

"Just five more minutes," I begged.

I needed five more minutes to pretend that I had any speck of understanding of these girls pasts. I needed five minutes to buckle before Jesus, 

"Father, you KNOW me. You KNOW what I'm doing right now. I'm shutting it off to survive what will break my heart. Help me see these girls not for their broken past but for their daunting ability to survive the unsurvivable!"

---------

The ride into the undisclosed location was informative. We asked questions of the Founding Directors about the girls, their current home, & the program.  Our days plan included lunch with the girls in the mess hall, a tour of the grounds, & dinner in town with the girls {*Which is a really, really big treat for them}. Somewhere in there I would have the chance to teach them how to do Jamberry Nails. 

I imagined our visit must make the girls feel like fish.  There they are swimming in a fish bowl with spectators eyeing them building the glass partition of normal life deeper between them & the outside world. I wanted....I needed....to bring that wall down. I could not bring myself to stare as an outsider. I wanted them to know they could just be.

Those girls changed my heart. I choked down the knot in my throat the whole day. There was the unspoken between us that Nails & being a girl overrode; they weren't broken to me, they were like me. They laughed with each other, asked me which nail wraps would be best, were right at my side asking me to help them, asking about my life, asking one to do their hair and another to fix their eyebrows, 

"Do these shoes look good with these jeans?" one asked

"Oh, sorry!" one apologized as her braids hit me in the face as she turned.

"Don't be sorry! I'm jealous your hair is that long," I laughed back. 

I was as familiar as the chairs they sat on that day. Needed yet unnoticed. Thank you, Jesus. 

---------

I haven't known how to process everything I still feel. The knot is still sitting in my throat taunting me, "LET IT OUT". But I'm not there yet. 

One of the most fascinating things that one of the Director's shared with me was this, 

We encourage the girls to find one person in the program they trust to tell their story too. Other than that, they keep their past as a part of their therapy and their life in the program focused on feeling again, even if it's anger, and building the courage to hope and dream for their future. 

As I sat with a dear friend today over coffee processing how God works, what He calls us each into, & what we are supposed to do with that,  I thought again about that statement and wondered:

WHO WOULD I BE IF I stopped worrying about people needing to know where my feet have walked? 

WHO WOULD I BE IF I just allowed myself to rest in what I say Jesus has done: renewed & reawakened me.

WHO WOULD I BE IF I just focused on living out my present & my future. 

WHO WOULD I TELL PEOPLE I AM if I couldn't tell them who I was?

---------

For more information on New Day for Children 

or to donate to their efforts

click

HERE

restoration

It's 2015. The hype that comes with the conclusion of one year and the start of another didn't have it's usual zest for me this year. The Christmas season left me worn down & hyper sensitive to noise (not exactly ideal with two babes 6 & 3). While so many blessings encompassed the ending of 2014, I couldn't shake the physical & mental fatigue that had taken over me.

For the past several years I have shied away from lengthy resolutions & instead focused on a word like renew, intentional, or this year's: RESTORATION. 

I long deeply to restore.

Spiritually, I crave restoration in my connection with Jesus.

Physically, I want desperately to restore my body to a healthy state.

Emotionally, I will always need to restore my heart when I discover new areas that call me to grow. 

Mentally, I need to restore my self image. 

So I came upon a binder I had misplaced and left untouched. It was filled with "powersheets" and the aim of "goal setting." Lara Casey poured time, effort, and intention into a tool that I could only DREAM of creating one day. Six months of homework for the soul covering action plans, dreams, & self focus. 

I opened it and stared. For the first time, filling out forms felt....daunting. Because, truthfully, I don't have a lot of the answers. As someone who spends an enormous amount of time in my own head, I felt alarmingly stunted. 

I feel a lot of doubt lately. A lot of fear that I don't see NEW on the horizon, timidity that I may be being asked to stay in one place for awhile, frustration that I'm becoming accustomed to things in a physical place I need to stay new longer. But I'm trying, and this is the meek start to a lot of immensely dream-freezing thoughts I'm sifting through.... 

It's shockingly vulnerable to let myself write all of that down; to unlock that which I know is there but pretend is not. Seeing it, facing it, means I'm calling myself out. Letting the ink drip out of my fingertips means it exists. 

I have no answers. I have only the knowledge that I am wading in the deep end wondering when my feet will touch bottom. I need to give myself permission to feel this, put my hands into it, and see what the wheel and I spin into art together. I want to stand and walk out the door, let the clay slop down and unform but I will try to be here, deep into "this,  knowing I'm not a potter but a puddle of confusion. I will SEEK restoration so I can love who He already loves so dearly, then I will be set free!

Recovering from Recovery

We have come through to the other side of Kheler's post surgical recovery! 

We made it! 

It wasn't like we expected, yet we didn't actually know what to expect.

It was hard. 

You know how doctors give you those "there's a 10% chance x, y, & z could happen" statistics and you think, "Well, THOSE are great odds!"? 

Well, they ARE good odds, but we weren't the 90%, we were the 10%. 

I circled my emotional drain multiple times a day. 

Each morning I started my day on my 1/8' of the bed with the verbal proclamation, "I can't do this!" and I meant it. It wasn't a hypothetical statement, it was one I believed in my core. 

It turns out, we have a VERY strong willed, determined, and stubborn son. All three years of him convinced us that he will become a doesn't-take-dookie Navy Seal Commander. That kid had my husband and I, two people on the same team, convinced the other was an under cover spy working for the enemy. 

We had a son who had become a popsciletarian, anti-beverage, and could be a poster child for DARE...he WOULD NOT take the drugs! I mean, bravo to him, I hope it stays that way, but in this particular season, we were practically {no, we actually were} pinning him down, blowing air up his nostrils to get him to open his mouth long enough to super-soak his throat with hydrocodone only to watch him volcanically erupt it back in our direction. Did you get winded by the ridiculous length of that sentence? It was worse in real life.

In all of it's empty, ugly, exhausting, heart breaking misery though, there was life being planted for us. 

The only comparison I have now for what we went through and now being on the other side is that it was like depression. When you are depressed, truly, dark hole, desolate depressed, you can't even fathom what a smile feels like or remember what happiness FEELS like. People TELL you you will feel it again, but the numbness has spread too deep. 

This was like that. I KNEW it was temporary, but I COULD NOT see the light. I could NOT get on my knees and pray...I could only beg. My prayers became like tick marks on a prison wall, "Just make it stop. Make.It.Stop!" I KNEW there was an ending, but I didn't see how we were going to feel normal again. And in ALL of that, I felt greedy for taking up air space with God. 

Who was I to be praying for a fever, a bleeding throat, a child who was fighting me to get better when there are others with so much more persistent pain? 

I found myself void of the reality that this inconsequential moment in my life MATTERED to Him.

But that's where He worked. 

He climbed in the holes others were keeping Him FOR me. 

He lived in my neighbor who lovingly shared her empathy and was my guide through this. He used her as the echo reminding me, "You're not alone!"

He breathed through my best friend who sat on the other end of the phone letting me be angry and telling me, "I'm sorry," which was exactly what I needed...just to vent.

He lifted me up through my girl friends as we tri-talked via group chat in facebook. When I went silent, they said, "Get real with us!"

He hugged me & spread His covering over me through the servants heart of a friend who put together a meal train, made treat and present deliveries and showed up at the ER the second time Kheler had to go in.

He stared me in the face each time I opened my door and found a balloon, stuffed animal, gift, flowers or a note from a complete stranger wishing us well.

My friend Carin wrote the most beautiful blog & included a bit about our walk through this recovery. She wrote, "I felt like walking behind her that week with a sign pointing at her that read 'BE NICE! She hasn't slept in a week and her baby boy is really really sick. Buy her a coffee.'" And it made me CLING to the reality that we are LOVED, we are PROVIDED for, we MATTER. It makes me want to LOVE out harder, more compassionately, more sacrificially, more intentionally than ever.

It was dark. It is light again. We each have our seasons where we need someone behind us with a sign. Who are you holding the sign for right now? Who do you need to hold a sign for? Are you the one who needs the sign? 

Know this, the sun always shines again.

I'm God's Toddler

Writer's block is one way of putting my thought process into a phrase.
It's been MORE than what I can't get to come out of my fingers though, it's been what I can't get my heart to retain, my ears to hear & my will to obey. I have been utterly...defiant.

It's been quite a year. 2012 was ushered in with high hopes like most years are (no one starts them thinking, "I'm so excited for how much this is going to suck!") The months before it had their challenges but I was facing them, tackling them--I was down right conquering them! With a nearly-four year old & my 4 month old, I was facing getting healthy--emotionally, mentally, spiritually healthy. God was holding me & I was gripping him--He was my crutch and my guide through this place I was utterly and desperately alone in. That label "post partum depression" was a temporary tattoo on my wrist--I wouldn't allow it to be permanent. I would quite literally, survive it. I would very physically fight it. I would with every ounce of my core, I would emotionally face it.

10 months have come and gone & I hear whispers of God's voice now. I'm pretty sure what happened is what I tend to let happen--I ached for Him & needed Him and there He was, loving me loudly! He had me in his grasp and I wasn't going to let go...but then I got my feet on the ground. I saw myself in the mirror and I for the first time in my life could say, "I see myself! I'm strong! I did it! I am healthy!" I was PROUD of me (am proud of me!). In those moments, I slowly distanced myself from my NEED for him. I wasn't desperate anymore so I gave Him a hug and backed off a bit. He became a distant relative that I love, enjoy being with, but don't pursue daily...weekly...monthly...

Lay off...emergency appendectomy...another lay off...death...melanoma... the hits were coming now but I wasn't on my knees, I wasn't angry or yelling at God, I was just numb. I wasn't feeling like I had to survive & I stopped chasing Him. I could hear my heart saying, "go to Him" but then I'd tune out--I was resisting with excuses: I'm too busy. I'm too tired. If I had just an hour alone each day... The more I resisted & excused myself from the table with Him, the quieter He got & the louder the world got. The trivial things that are just a part of life became another check on the list of issues but I just wouldn't go to Him.

Why? Inside me I was letting lies mull & the scent filled my soul with a tale that I did not deserve His saving...again. I could hear my thoughts blister with failure as His daughter, feel the ache that I only went to Him in need, and the guilt that I was only here to burden Him. Last night, as I called out to my son to listen to me (for the third time!) I felt frustrated, "Why is my child choosing to ignore me?" but within minutes, I was kissing my child on his perfect nose and filling with awe because I love my son. In that flash, I felt it--that striking, stunning reminder, "I love you, daughter, even more than you love your own son!"

The numbness, resistance, & excuses are slowly subsiding. In one still, small moment His voice that hasn't stopped speaking broke through my avoidance: He loves me even when I ignore Him. He adores me even when I misbehave. I cherishes me even when He watches me making mistakes.

I need Him.

The Storm

It happens when you can't even think anymore.

When you're out of questions, out of possibilities, out of the energy to imagine.

The truth.It cracks like thunder on a still, warm night.
You clutch the sheets that hold you safe and inside every inch of you falls to your knees.
You know what's next
and there it is
the rain.
It dumps down and the room closes in.
You feel how small you are in the moments you realize how big He is.

It happens when you feel like you can't hold out hope anymore.
He reaches down and holds on to you, gripping life for you.

It's a book that flies open to a chapter you needed to read.
A card that falls off a table you've neglected to clean and you needed to see.
He's there
and you can't deny Him
you can't deny yourself of Him.

The lightning fills the rooms
1-2-3
CRACK
the storm is closer than you thought.

Lord hold me.

Father, I hear you.
I don't want to spend my life chasing after a dream that you aren't blessing.
I want to be living the dream You put on my heart.
I want to cling to You and not to my dreams.
I want a life that is secure in You
and if that means I have to let go of MY plan, show me how.

My knuckles are white from clutching the bedsheets while the storm hails down.

The truth:
"Insecurity is a lack of faith. And a lack of faith is sin."

I am utterly dependent on You.
Oh how often I forget this.
I forget it when I feel like I'm writing the checks alone.
when I feel like I'm at the mercy of others.
when I feel...

One dream.
3.5 years.
What now?

The {UN}shining

I am days away from:

meeting my second baby
completing my family
starting overand suddenly

I'm
overwhelmed
& terrified.

I'm counting seconds of "what's left" vs. looking at the joy of what's to come
and I haven't felt this sad about it all until yesterday.

Yesterday when I heard my body wasn't doing what I was hoping it was.
Yesterday when my husband had to take my emotions & fears and protect me from myself.
Yesterday when that same husband had to take our delivery plan and disburse it amongst 6 adults that we call our parents that I can't control.
Yesterday when I started the cycle of self-defeat as I stared at my son:
Can I be enough for you?
Can I do this again?
Can I do this differently then I did the first time?
Can I protect myself from the potential for post partum since depression was a struggle in my past?
Can I....I'm sobbing tonight
unable to breathe out of my nose from a collection of uncontrollable weeping.
Even as I cry and empty out my fear, I have worship music on because
I know
I KNOW:
this is a really bad moment
my feelings are not truths
that my doubts and fears are lies
but in this moment
I am feeling them with every ounce of raw human that I am.

I'm counting seconds toward a goodbye tonight.
Staring at my life as a series of lasts instead of a hopeful hello to a slew of new firsts.
I feel desperate, alone, broken hearted, & so....sad.

I am fighting to FEEL the truth I know:
"Let no one caught in sin remain/inside the lie of inward shame/[I] fix [my] eyes upon the cross /and run to Him who shows great Love" ~Matt Maher, Christ is Risen

Father- I surrender!

The {Misused} Strength of Silence

I listened to a sermon by Rick Warren this weekend titled

"Making The Hard Changes In Me."

One of the main guiding questions of the message was,
"Why is is to hard to change myself?"

I listened & it resonated with my heart.

My defects come from three main places:
1. Biological - my genetics
2. Sociological - my background
3. Theological - my choices

Two things Pastor Rick Warren said that struck me about the places these defects come from were
*My defects are my attempts to meet my unmet needs.
*My defects are often my strengths being misused.Quite candidly, I have a defect of silence.
When I am angry, when I am hurt, when I need words of encouragement or thanks, I grow silent. For someone who loves words, I lose my ability to talk and I shut down. I wait for others to read my mind, know my heart, and fill the gap caused by my emotion.

This defect is both sociological & theological.

I went through something very traumatic at 14 that taught me to be silent, to write, that no one hears my cries. Silence became my sociological defect.
15 years later, silence is a theological defect because I know better.
I know I have voice, that I can be heard but I live in fear and lack of practice at speaking up and out.
Instead I write, I stew, I live in a silent turmoil until it bursts--most frequently passively and with the very select few, openly or aggressively.

On the flip side, my silence is also my strength.
My silence compels what I love, writing.
My experience with silence has caused me to champion for women's rights and volunteer with other organizations that fight for women's voices.

Now I have to figure out how to make what is more dominantly and unhealthily my defect into a permanent change of strength.

So, Why is so hard to change the defects?
The reason that was like a lightning bolt to me:
Because we identify with our weaknesses with statements like, "That's just the way I am."
This statement causes us to identify with our sin when the truth is, we are not our sin.

I loved Pastor Rick's clear example of how we identify with out sin.
He pointed out that in AA meetings, people introduce themselves as,
"My name is X & I am an alcoholic."
In Saddleback's Celebrate Recovery, they do things differently:
"My name is X. I am a Christian and I struggle with alcoholism."

What a profound difference in phrasing!
I am not my sin, I am a Christian who struggles with a sin!

So here I am.
Thinking about the truths of who I am.
Who I was genetically established as, who I became by my environment, and who I am by my choices.
The truth is, I am incredibly proud of who I am because I chose this version of me
but
I also have an incredibly long way I want to travel each day as I choose to be even more then who I am today.

It will happen--out loud & not in silence.

The Day It All Made Sense

{journaling from June 8}

I hopped in the car this morning and headed to work.
A little groggy, a little worn down, but in my routine.

I backed out and turned on the radio to the usual: KLOVE and there was a beautiful new song
Beautiful Things by Gungor
It's a simple song with a perfect message:
"You make beautiful things out of dust. You make beautiful things out of us."

I rested on it

The day unfolded with nothing special.
It included the mundane, the frustrating, the witnessing of hurting hearts.

It wrapped up quite differently.Back in April my mommy-heart was shaken.
As my husband found employment, we found my son without someone to care for him.
At the words of our previous daycare provider,

"We haven't saved a spot for him in his absence,"
I broke.

It was my last straw, my glass is now empty, my "I'm done."

I found myself in my office parking lot hiding behind a car and crying on the phone to my friend:
Where am I going to take my son? Who is going to care for him? How am I going to make this work?

At the time I couldn't see the plan.
I felt attacked, defeated, and so frustrated.
I no longer had the physical or emotional strength to carry my family as I felt I had been.
While I had been relying on Him & I sure did have faith, my human body was tired and I, in that moment, felt alone with too much change!

Today what happened in April became so clear that I saw my God looking down on me with a smile and saying,
"I knew what I was doing, Daughter. I love you. I go before you in everything."

I was so overwhelmed by what He had saved my family from, what He had delivered us into in advance without my knowing that all I could do was tear up and praise His name.
All I could do was return the glory to Him.

Not everything that happens in life comes with a clear "here's the reason why" answer at the end like I received today.

Many times, that's a really hard thing to take and we spend years asking the big question WHY but faith isn't about having the answers.
I know that regardless of what is clearly revealed tome, everything that happens DOES happen for a reason! Ultimately, His plan is far superior than my own.

Oh, He is Good!

Simply Thankful

I've been somewhere new lately.
A place that's just mine and a place that belongs to me but I'm here.
It's a place of choice and intention.
It's a place of battle and a place of peace.
It's a place of surrender and a state of grace.

Today I just find myself smiling about some largely little things
and I'm thankful.I unexpectedly have a preschooler.
In two weeks, who he IS has grown.
My son--my little boy--is growing and as he does, so do I.
His pride, his enthusiasm, his independence, his JOY for where he is and who he is able to see in himself is changing him!
I am THANKFUL that our decision to place him where he is has been confirmed.
I am THANKFUL that God took us from where we were sooner than expected--while it broke my heart, He had it orchestrated like a symphony.
Oh, if only I could truly paint the picture of how perfectly He planned it!
But I guess some things are for us to know alone in our walk with Him.

I am THANKFUL for his teacher!
She reassures me. She shows me how to treat him as a boy and not a baby.
What a gift to see someone see your own as a treasure to them as well!

I am THANKFUL for my husband's new journey.
His journey is one I am watching and wanting for myself.
How to be somewhere you know you should be?
I want that for me.

I am THANKFUL that I am HEARING HIS VOICE
and I am not willing to bury my head any more and hope to hear something different tomorrow.
I am THANKFUL He told me--clearly spoke to me--about parenting.
I am THANKFUL he has given me friends who have shown me what a blessing my family is.
I am THANKFUL I have a church that inspires me, feeds me, grows me even if I can't physically be there.
I'm THANKFUL for the willingness to make decisions that are for our son--for our family's future.
I am THANKFUL for PRAYER--oh my gosh, I am so thankful for prayer!
I am THANKFUL for Christian revolutionaries like Rick Warren, Joyce Meyer, & Stormie Omartian who feed me with truth--swords for the battle!
I am THANKFUL that He is at work in me and on my heart.

I am THANKFUL for unexpected hugs from a little boy I just met.
I am THANKFUL for a new friend who is so purely honest it reopened me.
I am THANKFUL for a friend who is simply there and always willing & waiting.
I am THANKFUL for the lies that are being dispelled by truth and the strength He is giving me to fight.

I am LOVED.
So very LOVED.
And for that--I am SO THANKFUL!

I am simply--THANKFUL

Holy Vision in the Mess

This weekend was the weekend of attack.

From a dream that was so real I couldn't shake it on Saturday morning
to the parenting attacks of doubt and wrapping up with the attack on my joy for my life,
the weekend rocked me.I sent a tweet out into cyberspace wondering early Saturday morning if my cleaning rampage was that of a nesting mother or one of a woman who was venting her life frustrations with Clorox & Endust.
The answer was quickly revealed: I was venting.

I had been robbed and I didn't know how to reclaim what I seemingly handed off willingly to the enemy: my joy.

.......

I'm reading a book that has been challenging me.
The diction and syntax make me read like a first grader--slow and steady--but I got to a chapter this weekend that made sense!
Pages littered in pink highlighter and a journal filled with things I wanted to remember, I had been heart struck.

In the book One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp, she asks one of many big questions but one hit home:

"How do I have the holy vision in the mess?"My husband has a saying that is polar opposite from how I think:
"Circumstances stink, but life is simple."
His statement constantly hits me upside the head and I internally react with,
"What life are you living? This is NOT simple!"
Ann's question seemed to reiterate the very statement I hold hands with, sleep beside, and kiss every day yet battle because it's not how I feel inside.

So I went through my other highlighted portions and I summarized the answer to the question:

"How do I have the holy vision in the mess?"

1. I need to "transfigure the mess into joy with thanks." p. 125
2. I need to "speak the unseen into seeing." p. 128
3. I need to "look to the Largeness behind all the smallness." p. 128
4. I need to "give thanks to keep the gaze on heaven." p. 128
5. In order to "see the glory," I need to "name the graces." p. 129
   

Damn, that all sounds hard but as Ann says, "When I choose--and it is a choice--to crush joy with bitterness [I am] purposefully choosing to take the way of the Prince of Darkness. Choosing the angry way of Lucifer because I think it is more effective--more expedient--than giving thanks."

I must say, I hate (and simultaneously love as well as appreciate) the growing pains of seeing myself and knowing that I am the problem in my own life.
It hurts-it sucks-it's frustrating and ultimately the resolution resides with me and my choice to wrestle it out with God.
Just because I feel like I'm an incompetent parent, unappreciated & easily replaceable member of society, unloved, or forgotten person does not make it real. "Feelings work faster than thoughts...[and] the only way to fight a feeling is with a feeling...Feel thanks and it's absolutely impossible to feel angry."

......

I think I'll be pondering all of this for awhile.
I'll be wrestling with this deeply.

Unfailing Love

The human truth is that I don't like how I feel today.
I'm exhausted and that exhaustion has me hearing lies.
Lies that make me want to cry, shout, and give in to the worldlyness of life right now.
I feel a bit like a toddler: "I.DON'T.WANT.TO"
And as much as I want to cave, crumble, crawl away, & curl up today: I'm fighting.

I have a friend--that's not even a good term--she's God's gift to my heart.
She encouraged me last week as she spoke about her counseling classes and I took an assignment on as my own:
For every lie I heard, find a scripture that counteracts the lie with truth.

So tonight I sat down and I thought about where my head was today and I decided... it sucked.

I went to the Book of Truth and I found truth, shields really, to fight the lies that were out to destroy me today.

I even found MY prayer.

¹ Hear my prayer, O Lord;

listen to my plea!
Answer me because you are faithful and righteous.
² Don’t put your servant on trial,
for no one is innocent before you.
³ My enemy has chased me.
He has knocked me to the ground
and forces me to live in darkness like those in the grave.
⁴ I am losing all hope;
I am paralyzed with fear.
⁵ I remember the days of old.
I ponder all your great works
and think about what you have done.
⁶ I lift my hands to you in prayer.
I thirst for you as parched land thirsts for rain.

⁷ Come quickly, Lord, and answer me,
for my depression deepens.
Don’t turn away from me,
or I will die.
⁸ Let me hear of your unfailing love each morning,
for I am trusting you.
Show me where to walk,
for I give myself to you.
⁹ Rescue me from my enemies, Lord;
I run to you to hide me.
¹⁰ Teach me to do your will,
for you are my God.
May your gracious Spirit lead me forward
on a firm footing.
¹¹ For the glory of your name, O Lord, preserve my life.
Because of your faithfulness, bring me out of this distress.
¹² In your unfailing love, silence all my enemies
and destroy all my foes,
for I am your servant. ~ Psalm 143

Truth: I am loved, provided for, & worthy.

Truth is what I will cling to.

I'm Not A Housewife

I may be farther than that than I have ever been.

Right now, I am the financial provision and with it, I'm feeling things I never thought I would.

In my days of die hard feminism, this was where I wanted to be

however

I also wanted to be alone then.

This isn't how I would have written this.

In fact, I had this dreamt out quite differently.

He was working toward being the income.

I was dreaming of the day I'd be home chasing my rugrat, making meals, & awaiting my man's return from a long day in the office.

Now-here we are.

One income: mine.

One stay at home parent: him.

Truly, with every ounce of me, I'm hearing His voice and I know

this is where He has me

and I will learn and wait here.

And let me tell you,

I'm learning.

I'm learning:

I have expectations I didn't know I had and I may have a 50's husband mentality about what should get done in the house because "what else are you doing there all day?"

I've had to remember:

Being at home with your child is a blessing and it is also a lot of work. It's a lot of "look at me's" "play with me's" & go go go. It's energy you simply don't use in an office--it's physical, emotional, and mental.

I'm learning:

A stay at home parent really needs a break when the other parent gets home just as much as the parent who just left the office needs a break. Both of us have had different energy tanks drained and we.need.a.break!

I'm learning...again and again:

My husband has the ability to be a better parent and person than I do.

The man's energy is unfailing.

and I realize:

I'm so unfair in asking for MORE than what I see when I get home

because every time I ask for MORE

I'm discounting every single thing he's already done.

I'm learning:

I have a lot to learn.

I'm Not A Housewife.

I'm a Working Mom who's on a road I wouldn't have picked myself but I'm in the passenger seat now taking in the views as I go. I'm far from perfect, but I'm not setting out for that--I'm setting out to love the journey and learn the lessons of the Refiner's fire.

This isn't a season about what I'm giving up.

This is a season about what I'm gaining.

If I had a camper...

I'd do something crazy.

I'd pick up and take off.

I'd tell my man to hitch it up to the back of the car.
I'd throw the munchkin's sleeping bag in the back.
And we'd hit the road.Not forever.
Just for a few days.

We'd admit: this isn't how we would have planned the first few months of 2011.
We'd praise: that we believe in His plan above our own.
We'd sing: songs of joy and stand our hearts on solid ground.
We'd laugh: because we know, one day we'll look back and say, "Remember when...this is why."
We'd breathe: this is a new moment and it is ours.
If I had a camper:
We'd be on the road.
We'd find out spot by the ocean or among the trees.
We'd just be.

Something tells me it's going to get harder than this.
SomeOne tells me the end is going to be so much better than this.

Walk the Talk

It sure is easy to talk the talk. Walking the Walk is something different.

In face of challenges and the unknown, I have just one question before me:
Will I Walk My Talk?
Today is the last day we have two paychecks.
It is the last day with known numbers and our previously existing budget.
We pay our mortgage, feed our mouths, clothe our bodies, and insure our health on these numbers.
The most important thing we do with those numbers is live as stewards.

I thought a lot about the tithe we would send to our home church today.
I asked myself a few questions.
Heart, Is it harder to give today?
I answered, No.
Soul, Are you scared to give today?
I answered, No.
Mind, Do you think you'll need that money you give away?
I answered, We don't need money. We need His provision.

I talk about trusting God with everything I have.
I talk about knowing that He is my provider.
I talk about my faith.
Can I walk it?
Will I walk it?It's a choice and I choose YES.

To each fear that tries to creep in, I'll turn the truth dial up to MAX!
To each doubt that tries to seek, kill, and destroy, I'll get on my knees and PRAISE!
For each tear that comes through my humanity, I'll learn MORE about who my GOD is.
It is HIS time.

Today I wrote the BEST check I've ever written.
Today I gave 10% of our last solid income on numbers we depend on and chose to say, "Father, you are 100% better than numbers and all I want to rely on. We're Yours."

In Malachi 3:10 (NLT), God says this: "Bring the whole tithe into the storehouse, that there may be food in my house. Test me in this," says the LORD Almighty, "and see if I will not throw open the floodgates of heaven and pour out so much blessing that there will not be room enough to store it." (from Saddleback.com)

We choose to sow into our eternity.
My God is BIGGER than this Mountain!