Recovering from Recovery

We have come through to the other side of Kheler's post surgical recovery! 

We made it! 

It wasn't like we expected, yet we didn't actually know what to expect.

It was hard. 

You know how doctors give you those "there's a 10% chance x, y, & z could happen" statistics and you think, "Well, THOSE are great odds!"? 

Well, they ARE good odds, but we weren't the 90%, we were the 10%. 

I circled my emotional drain multiple times a day. 

Each morning I started my day on my 1/8' of the bed with the verbal proclamation, "I can't do this!" and I meant it. It wasn't a hypothetical statement, it was one I believed in my core. 

It turns out, we have a VERY strong willed, determined, and stubborn son. All three years of him convinced us that he will become a doesn't-take-dookie Navy Seal Commander. That kid had my husband and I, two people on the same team, convinced the other was an under cover spy working for the enemy. 

We had a son who had become a popsciletarian, anti-beverage, and could be a poster child for DARE...he WOULD NOT take the drugs! I mean, bravo to him, I hope it stays that way, but in this particular season, we were practically {no, we actually were} pinning him down, blowing air up his nostrils to get him to open his mouth long enough to super-soak his throat with hydrocodone only to watch him volcanically erupt it back in our direction. Did you get winded by the ridiculous length of that sentence? It was worse in real life.

In all of it's empty, ugly, exhausting, heart breaking misery though, there was life being planted for us. 

The only comparison I have now for what we went through and now being on the other side is that it was like depression. When you are depressed, truly, dark hole, desolate depressed, you can't even fathom what a smile feels like or remember what happiness FEELS like. People TELL you you will feel it again, but the numbness has spread too deep. 

This was like that. I KNEW it was temporary, but I COULD NOT see the light. I could NOT get on my knees and pray...I could only beg. My prayers became like tick marks on a prison wall, "Just make it stop. Make.It.Stop!" I KNEW there was an ending, but I didn't see how we were going to feel normal again. And in ALL of that, I felt greedy for taking up air space with God. 

Who was I to be praying for a fever, a bleeding throat, a child who was fighting me to get better when there are others with so much more persistent pain? 

I found myself void of the reality that this inconsequential moment in my life MATTERED to Him.

But that's where He worked. 

He climbed in the holes others were keeping Him FOR me. 

He lived in my neighbor who lovingly shared her empathy and was my guide through this. He used her as the echo reminding me, "You're not alone!"

He breathed through my best friend who sat on the other end of the phone letting me be angry and telling me, "I'm sorry," which was exactly what I needed...just to vent.

He lifted me up through my girl friends as we tri-talked via group chat in facebook. When I went silent, they said, "Get real with us!"

He hugged me & spread His covering over me through the servants heart of a friend who put together a meal train, made treat and present deliveries and showed up at the ER the second time Kheler had to go in.

He stared me in the face each time I opened my door and found a balloon, stuffed animal, gift, flowers or a note from a complete stranger wishing us well.

My friend Carin wrote the most beautiful blog & included a bit about our walk through this recovery. She wrote, "I felt like walking behind her that week with a sign pointing at her that read 'BE NICE! She hasn't slept in a week and her baby boy is really really sick. Buy her a coffee.'" And it made me CLING to the reality that we are LOVED, we are PROVIDED for, we MATTER. It makes me want to LOVE out harder, more compassionately, more sacrificially, more intentionally than ever.

It was dark. It is light again. We each have our seasons where we need someone behind us with a sign. Who are you holding the sign for right now? Who do you need to hold a sign for? Are you the one who needs the sign? 

Know this, the sun always shines again.

Tequila Soaked Sorbet

Sometimes life needs a little simplicity

A LOT of laughter
and a sip'a liquor.
Here's the PERFECT recipe!Tequila Soaked Sorbet
1 pint lemon sorbet
1/4 cup best-quality tequila
Finely grated zest of 2 limes

I had the perfect excuse to try this amazing treat when a Mexican themed progressive dinner was arranged to celebrate our friends who are moving out of the area.
My house was the last stop--the dessert stop--so we wrapped up our high volume laughter evening with Senor Patron & some Trader Joe's Sorbet.
(*note, Mango is not the best option but Raspberry & Lemon were a hit!)

Although it had nothing to do with us and everything to do with loving on our friends, this was our first soiree in our new home!

Craftastic Frousins

This past weekend I was able to be with my frousin (my cousin who is also my friend).

You probably know her. She's sorta fabulous!

After she redid her craft room I begged, pleaded, sobbed until she gave in and let me come soak up space in her beautiful Pasadena home!

We ate. We sipped wine. We shopped. We partied (2 year old style). We crafted our guts out!

I mean we're talking up til' midnight, grab the munchies, stay in the jammies, cut, glue whatever is around you crafting.

It.Was.HEAVEN.

I felt like a little girl on Christmas Eve sleeping amidst ribbons and a sewing machine and buckets and bins of inspiration!

Our craftastic weekend ended with one of my favorite parts- the Rose Bowl Flea Market.

A couple skinny vanilla latte's and 1 special friend later, we were off together like three little besties in a suburban aching to be filled with sought out treasures!

So, yah, I finally got to hug Tara in REAL life!

While we send each other email hugs throughout the months, a real one is SO much better.

You know what's amazing about my bloggy friends?!

The fact that "meeting" them isn't weird.

There's the anxiety of, "Wait. What if I'm a nerd in real life and they only like me in my blog?!"

(it's possible)

HOWEVER

it ends up like sitting with someone who knows your heart -- cuz they do!

Tara knows my heart and I feel like I know hers.

So I didn't meet Tara for the first time this weekend, I simply hugged her for the first time!

Let me tell you, she's the sweetest.

If only I could have stayed longer with my frousin and frog (hm, no real combo for a blog friend....)

These girls would be THE.BEST to slumber party with!

Perhaps in June....

Thank you Tracy for being the amazing hostess you ALWAYS are!

Relatively Wordless

I like to say it as it is here without apology
so here it is:
I was a tag along this weekend.
and it was FUN.

3 Girl friends meeting in one central location that I so happen to- infrequently- refer to as home.

Being that one of them is my soul sister and I work with the collective, I got to pretend I was one of them-- and I might add, I never felt I wasn't.

So while I sit and listen to the rain fall, the baby screams wishing he could command me to rescue him from his overpriced prison, and the husband is out with other photographer friends shooting in the rain, I am unwinding.

My weekend in photos....

While I would love to end this photo with the raddest thing that happened to me this weekend,
I fear you would dry heave as I did--
My soul sista and I witnessed the actual birth of a baby elephant seal.
And yes- I have ACTUAL photos.
While my soul sista cried (she's pregnant- I'm pretty sure it was joy vs. horror) and I momentarily grabbed her arm and gagged, I did shout out a victory cry for the elephant seal mama,
"YOU DID IT, MAMA!"

What's the craziest thing that you witnessed this weekend?

Baby Love

My friend came over on Friday for a little maternity shoot...I'm so happy she did.
The song, Capri by Colbie Caillat will always remind me of being pregnant with my son.
Her entire first album reminds me of his birth and singing him to sleep.
I will always cherish this song and the memories of carrying his life within me...even if it was 99.9% difficult for me, I have this one very fond memory.
Enjoy listening :)

ObSeSSed!

Emily +Meeko decided their reception should have a photo booth.
There are no words to describe the fun and mayhem that it brought to the party.

Em & I decided to commemorate the emotions of a wedding:
happy, tears, pictures, and pArTy!

After the Hus was done with his job second shooting the wedding,
I had to make sure to dawn a goofy hat and give him a smooch!

And finally, my friend and unbelievable artist, Amanda!

Those are just a pinch of the hand fulls of photos people took!
Magnolia Photo Booth

She Do!

She did it!! She's married.
I could cry all over just reliving it and the after affect of coming down from it all.

First of all, can I say how honored I was to be asked to be a bridesmaid for my Emily?
I truly believe that the people you ask to stand beside you through your vows are people you are asking to be there when the road is golden and to lift you up when the road is bumpy.
I take it pretty seriously.

On Friday night we had the rehearsal that included a fun post practice dinner.
Emily & Meeko wanted the roasts & toasts done that night instead of at the reception.
Although I was tempted to say a few words,
I know my friend and she hates attention on her so, Em, when you're back from your honeymoon, this is what I would have said:

"Emily and I met ten years ago. My brother and her sister were friends before we were. I met her sister while I was washing my hair in the sink--yes, I'm was too lazy to take a full shower back then apparently. When she saw me doing this weird thing, she decided that Emily and I were soul mates and had to meet. They introduced us and it was like finding out other half ever since. We spent summers working together, we crafted together, we dated all the wrong boys together and now we've both found the right ones and support each other.
I love you, Em."

Well a few hours later, it was the morning of her wedding day and she called me asking me to get coffee with her.
It was really special for me. I got my Em time while the other 8 bridesmaids sat in their rooms.
Post caffeination, we headed to the reception site.
This photo IS Emily...and THIS is how a coordinated bride gets'r done!
I am jumping ahead here but it was a busy day!
I am getting choked up right now with all that I want to share with you but I have to tell you,
I will NEVER forget this day.
I had the honor of zipping Emily into her gown, tying her bow, putting on her jewels, and helping her with her shoes.
She is such a beautiful person every day, and her wedding day was no exception.
The only photo I got of us was at the reception:

Emily's wedding embodied vintage modern twists that were so her.
So methodical, specific, and perfectly stated.
I wish you could have been there....

Until the professional photos, all I can say is...
Emily + Meeko Forever

Thank You...

If you had asked me when I was 16 what life would look like 10 years later, it would not have looked like this.At sixteen I had decided my life was destined for solitude. In my optimistic phase, it would include a gorgeous white home with wood floors on a sandy shore with sea grass. It included a highly paid executive job at a multi national corporation, a white cat, and a white BMW 325i. (I was no slouch on details.) In the end though, it would include no one but me. During my more jaded phase, my life would be lived out on Kangaroo Island in Australia where I would live alone in a rickety shack with lots of cats and a man trap. I'd be the crazy lady that kids would fear walking home from school. I'd be the house that the post man didn't return from because instead of a garden, there would be a camouflaged hole that would give out if any man stepped on it.

Those were the two scenarios. While one seemed to be slightly more Pottery Barn pleasant than the other, both shared the solitude factor. It might not have been what I really wanted, but it is what I thought would work best for me.

Well, life didn't happen like I had schemed. Actually, not one of any of those specific details panned out...well, I do have a Pottery Barn coffee table so I guess some things did happen!

Point is, I'm 27. I live in a little yellow house on a busy, busy street with my husband, my son, and my- you got it- cat. We swim in student loan debt, we share a tiny bathroom, and wash the dishes by hand. I'm not a highly paid executive, I don't drive a white BMW, and I never built a man trap. As the story goes, first comes love, then comes marriage, then comes the baby in the baby carriage. That was definitely not part of any plan. The husband part is great but I struggle with the mom part.There must be, at the root of who we are, a piece that knows what we are made for and what we are not. I have always loved babies. I mean, from the time I was a toddler, I loved pinching babies. (I don't do this anymore). I grew up swearing I would not have kids and in the back of my mind, wanting them. I wanted to avoid creating a person who I could hurt, who I could mess up, who could blame me later for all I didn't do. But here I am, a mom of one and a second is frequently discussed...and shot down....and re-discussed. There is not a single day that passes that I don't think, "I don't want to change that diaper! I hate cutting his finger nails! What do I do with him?" He is work. 24/7 work. I love him so much and at the same time, I can't handle him!

My strengths in mothering come down to dreaming and preparing and planning. We opened up a savings account for him from the day we received is social security number. My son will go to college and he will not have student loan debt. We will be able to help him put a down payment on a home. We will enroll him in summer camps that nurture his passions. We will show him the world and encourage his dreams. I already prepare for his wedding. I think of how important it will be for me to teach him about women and how important it will be for his dad to teach him how to be a gentleman. I pray for his wife and the protection of his heart when he enters into the world of dating and abrasive girls. I clothe him, I make his lunch, I fret over which daycare to put him and choose one that is more like a school because I already see his potential. Those are the things I am good at. I am not good at the chores of mothering. It makes me wonder--should I even be a mom? Is two something I should even think about?

What happens when your plans don't pan out? It seems my reality is infinitely better than any of my plans for solitude could have ever been. Those plans were made in fear. My reality came to be out of hope and love. But there are moments, moments like last night, when I am in the middle of an emotional blizzard and it all freezes up. I have my husband beside me to keep me warm and yet I am indescribably cold and feel so alone. Not a soul to understand what mothering is like. Not a friend to comprehend what our life is like. Not one person reaching out to say, "I get it," just a lot of realizing no one asked us to join and it's all too much to be a part of anyway.So I come here. I vent. I breathe. I release and I hear that I'm not as crazy as I feel. I read about Mom's who love their kids passionately and in a way I want to emulate. I learn that the chores of mothering really do stink. I just feel...safe...here...with you. Thank you for being my friend in this friendless phase of my journey. As I pave the road with my husband as the sole child bearing young lady, I would be lost without the women in my sacred space that tell me I'm going to make it.

It's A....

Well, yes...yes, my friend IS having a baby...
but if you recall, tonight was the big Sex Reveal Party!
The one I have been just waiting for!

The friends decided to let us all know by cutting into a cake.
The frosting inside the cake would let us know if she was going to have a boy or a girl.
Don't be fooled by the pink plate...
SHE'S HAVING A BOY!!
My munchkin has a new buddy on the way!
I get to share the woes of circumcision, spraying urine, and all things boy with her.
And, because I'm me and tend to find the unspoken sexual innuendos where they don't even exist,
this photo is my favorite:

Haha.
Oh happy day!