BE STILL

There have been only a couple of times I have had words stir on my heart without rest or understanding & recently was one of them.  

While I have known who Jesus is for my whole life, I didn't realize He was "mine" until I was twenty-two. For years I had lived on the borrowed understanding of His grace, love & mercy from my mom not quite understanding I could have something of my own with Him; not even knowing I was missing it until it became so real & personal that it changed my entire life.  At fourteen He made it clear He was protecting me, covering me, & walking ahead of me but I was too injured & broken to know how to take Him in; He waited. 

BE STILL; These words started circulating my existence in the every day a few months ago. I would feel them stir in me when I was frazzled, I'd scroll social media and the verse would appear multiple times a day, several times a week; BE STILL was permeating my vision. 

"Be still, and know that I am God." Psalm 46:10

There was an aspect of this message that I understood because of my relationship with Jesus, I was being asked to

• TRUST in Jesus
• WAIT on Him
• Be PATIENT 

but I didn't know what I was being asked to be still for or why? 

I thought I had it nailed, "Ok, God. I can do this with You. I know you're merciful & good. I know You make plans to prosper me. I know that what is meant for evil, You work for Your good. I know You have NEVER failed me, You have ALWAYS loved me & provided for me. I got this."

It became clear that the BE STILL was that our family's life was about to change.

Jesus was providing an opportunity for our family that we hadn't faced before. In 10 years we have experienced much job loss but never the opportunity to advance & choose to move into a new position because we were pursued, wanted, or needed. 

It's here my relationship, my SELF, my FAITH was challenged. 

I poured myself into bible journaling, podcasts, & the aggressive pursuit of His word in order to draw me closer to understanding what He wanted me to.  I had all the tools in my faith-arsenal to BE STILL, trust & wait. I had the gumption to exercise ASKING Jesus for BIG, BOLD, UNBELIEVABLE things and TRUSTING He WOULD make them happen. My failure, as it turns out, wasn't in the the ask, however, it was in that I unknowingly said "in MY timing, EXACTLY as I'm asking."

I found myself crushed. More than that actually, I removed myself from that table with Jesus & I decided to lay face down on the couch giving Him the cold shoulder. 

Why?

He asked me to wait LONGER than I had been prepared to. He had a plan that was BETTER than what I was asking for, yet, because I was so locked into MY specifics, I felt like the opportunity wasn't blessed or ordained. What I wanted was for it to be EASY, for the story to be a TESTIMONY & it seemed like it was just a test; a chance for me to eat a slice of humble faith pie. 

It has been an incredibly overwhelming "moment" I've been having with God. Until this past Sunday, sitting at church, I couldn't let myself off the hook for my failure. While I KNEW God forgave me, I couldn't forgive myself. The enemy had me caught in my own net with lies on repeat: I failed my Father, & I embarrassed myself before Jesus.

But here's what TRUTH says:

• "You are God of forgiveness, always ready to pardon, gracious and merciful, slow to become angry, and full of love & mercy." Nehemiah 9:17
• "You do not stay angry forever but delight to show mercy." Micah 7:18
• "God is merciful & quick to forgive" Isaiah 55:7

I didn't FEEL forgiven & my guilt removed me from closeness with my Father. I cannot tell you how achingly lonely the prison has been. I couldn't unlock the gate. I stared off into the distance of something I knew I had but I wasn't released -- I was holding on but Jesus had already given me the freedom.  God forgives immediately & completely. 

BE STILL. I see the other side now. I didn't pass that test but it has become a new testimony. 

**for a wonderful message called MERCY FORGIVES, click here**

The Post in Partum (Part II)

There's a whisper (but quite frankly, it's like a damn bull horn),

"Mommy, I want to cuddle you."

Crap. My damn mom ears physically respond like there's been an earthquake but as the hairs on my arm standing on end retract, I smile,

"I want to cuddle YOU!"

He crawls in bed and fits in the arch of my arm but his legs are longer now. I feel his freezing toes and warm them between my knees. It's damn early. Physically, I'm so over this but my heart knows: this won't last forever.

We stay avoiding truth as long as we can, Daddy/Husband sleeping soundly beside us, & then the cries come. Unintelligible sounds that I understand: "I'm 6 months old! I want my bottle!" So the little Mr. and I leave Daddy/Husband in the warmth. We rattle the bed enough for him to turn over. Physically, he knows we're gone but mentally, he's nowhere to be found.

The carpet touches my feet and alerts me: Here we go. I grab my ugly socks (the ones that are too warm to stop wearing-the ones my little mr. steals from my that go up to his knees--his "mommy socks"). I'm tired, hungry but before any of that I make a stop at the counter: Friday-pop the lid- throw the pink pill back in my mouth- close the lid/swallow simultaneously. Ok. If I don't do anything else for myself that day, I do that. Take that pill that has leveled me out, been one in a series of things that have helped bring me back--back to the land of the living.

Here's the thing about post partum depression for me: it felt fictional, it felt fake but I knew better. It also felt like unbelievable failure...until I got so damn desperate to be better that I could admit: I need help, this isn't forever, this is going to be a fight and I'm going to win.

Step 1: The hotline, the doctors, the stabilizing. Step 2: Swallow, Sleep, Wake, Repeat. Step 3: Talk. TALK. T A L K. Step 4 : Look yourself in the mirror and see my face, feel alive (and now it feels good!), seek God, JOY.

I'm back.

It's a New Day

My poor husband came home last night and it just took one look for him to know I'd been crying my eyes out.

(Actually, it wouldn't have taken a genius because one look in the mirror and I realized my mascara was everywhere!)

But, TODAY IS A NEW DAY!


Today I grabbed some of my baby books and started reading.

With my first pregnancy I was given a book that I completely ignored.
It was TOO overwhelming to me and felt incredibly intense.
The book is called My First 300 Babies.

Know it?

Well, I opened it up today and started pouring over the pages and with this baby,
I'm convinced I want to use this manual.

Granted,
I'm a planner.
I love me a good schedule.
I adore routines.

I think what held me up last time was I decided to read the book once I had my son.
(bad idea)
This time I know there's more to think about and I know a bit more of what I need to prepare for.

So reading through the book today calmed me down.
Yah, the schedule is intense but it's also seemingly FREEING!

I can think of a few people who are going to consider me to be a nazi parent on this one.
Perhaps a few people who aren't going to like the limited waking hours the baby will have to be held or played with
but ya know what
our house, our kids, our rules ;)

The greatest thing I took away from today's reading?
Pg. 56 A Child's Natural Acceptance of a New Baby
"What child is not overjoyed at the thought of a new little brother or sister? Their childlike acceptance is natural, and this attitude should be the expected by the parents, rather than any negative behavior. There should be no need of gifts being brought to the other children when the infant is being favored. It is their happy opportunity to learn to share as a family, with no sense of being deprived in any way. Again I say, this thinking does not originate in the thoughts of the child; so parents, expect this childlike acceptance."

Oh the freedom that can come with a bit of studying, a bit of advice, and A LOT of surrender!

A letter to myself...

Dear Self,

You use to come here often. You use to write and you'd leave feeling like you could move forward, move on, move up, but we haven't talked in awhile. I'm not sure where you've been, but I've missed you. I know the road through life has ups and downs. I know you've been walking an up and down road for the last few months, but I want to tell you a few truths amidst the lies that try to defeat you:
You are loved.
You are worthy.
You are worth loving.
I think you forget these things. I watch you get caught up in looking out and seeing those greener pastures and they bring you down. I watch you trip but it's time to pick yourself back up. Stop looking at all the books you've bought and letting them collect dust. Pick them up, read them like you planned. Start living again because you and I both know there is SO much to live FOR.
Take a minute- count your blessings. Recognize your truths:
-You have an INCREDIBLE husband who's gifts of patience and endurance fill in where you are weak.
-You have a beautiful son who's perfectly healthy. Nickname him Evil Spawn if it makes you laugh, but realize, he LOVES you and he just wants to be understood.
-Remember, you act a lot like your son when you feel misunderstood or when you are misunderstanding the "Not Yet's" in life as "No's"
-You are creative. It will never match the talents of others, it will only be yours and what you can do.
-People are just people. Stop fighting the reality of who people are and start accepting them how they are. In the wake of those realities, do what you need to do to take care of you because no one else is going to do it for you.
-You have some amazing friends and some amazing family members. Get back in touch with them. Give what you don't have: energy, and you will find it again.
-Forgive & move forward.

You started this year with a mantra, this year would be THE YEAR OF INTENTION. Resurface your heart and keep fighting. This life's a good one and your God is a GREAT God. Stand up-Worship-FIGHT every day for truth!

Welcome back, self. I've missed you!

Unravel Overload

<sup>I have been struggling with something for several weeks now.
I have been struggling with who I am, what I want, and obedience.

When I was ten, I wanted to be a CEO of a major corporation.
You see, I went to the office with my Dad and I loved working...correction...I loved earning money.
He paid me $2.00 an hour to deliver office supplies to whoever needed them.
I'm sure no one did, but I loved it.

In Junior High my world fell apart.
My parents went through a custody battle, my sister became sick, and I became depressed.
By high school I had an eating disorder and became a cutter.
I felt I learned that counting on others meant I would always be failed.
Despite having an amazing step father
I believed that marriage didn't work.
By college I was a feminist.
Not because I hated men but because I learned that a woman would always need the ability to provide for herself.
My stake in feminism wasn't about proving a point
it was about survival and taking stake in who I am.
Ironic that through that identification with feminism I entered into horrific relationships.

I was desperate to be loved and fighting to be solely independent.

Long story short, post college I found a road and relationship that saved me- my faith.

Not too much later I found myself married and as they say, first comes love then comes marriage then comes the baby in the baby carriage.

Motherhood ROCKED.MY.WORLD.
I totally and completely FOUGHT it.
I wanted to be exactly who I was before I had my son and I hated every moment that I couldn't be.
While I loved my son, I hated myself.
I wasn't depressed that I had a child--he is perfection.
I was pissed that daily I had to surrender to the fact that I could not be independent.
I was devastated that daily I was humbled into asking for help.
I fought everything in me and all that was around me:
the women who sent me books about how being a stay at home mom is so important, the women who never had to work to make ends meet, the women who could be the perfect working mom...
NONE of them were me and I had NO idea who I was after my son was born.

A year after his birth, I took a chance and set out to fulfill a dream.
I felt invigorated. I felt proud. I felt independent. I felt like ME.
I felt all the things that I had wanted all my life...
all of my life before I grew up.
Somewhere in the pursuit of MY destiny I realized I had abandoned my family.
I had a husband never.once telling me to stop and a son who would grab my hand and say "sit down"
and I would look at both of them and say
WAIT.
Wait while I feel important?
Wait while I be who I want to be?
Wait while I do what I want?
All of it.
I just wanted everyone in my life to wait so I could do what I wanted to do.

But then I heard something.
I got a very loud message...
Life slips away when you aren't looking.

I had a husband who was building a business I started with him but left him to do alone.
I had a son who was moments from two and I missed learning his vocabulary.
I missed where I was going.
So I made a choice.
I chose to be obedient and let go of a dream I was chasing.
A dream that made me say "WAIT" to the man I'm in a covenant relationship with
and the boy I have been charged with the responsibility of raising.
I was obedient and I let go.
And there have already been moments when I'm doing the dishes and I want to scream loud enough for someone to hear me:
DO YOU KNOW WHAT I GAVE UP FOR THIS?
and then I realize...we ALL give things up.
My husband gives things up ALL the time for me.
And perhaps I'm tired of giving things up--
Perhaps I'm pissed I gave up my childhood to parents who couldn't get it together
or I'm devastated I sacrificed my relationship with my biological father for siblings who just don't care
or I'm broken over the physical pieces of my heart I gave up to men instead of waiting like He asked me to.
I am.
I am tired of giving things up.
I wish there was a way to have it all.
But right now...in this phase of my life..what I was asked in my heart to give up was the right thing
doesn't mean it doesn't hurt like hell
but it was the right thing for me in the end.

I chose to enter through the narrow gate of what was before me:
my family or myself.
I chose my family.

I guess I really didn't give anything up because what I have, people dream about--I dream about.
I just got really caught up in wanting it all.

So I wrestle now a little bit with the obedience, the desires of my heart, the need to be intentional with my time...oh the everything there is in one person's heart and I search for those special Words of Encouragement:
13</sup>"Enter through the narrow gate. For wide is the gate and broad is the road that leads to destruction, and many enter through it. ¹⁴But small is the gate and narrow the road that leads to life, and only a few find it."
Matthew 7:13-14


"Then he said to them all: "If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me." Luke 9:23

Turn the Other Way

The other night the hus and I were watching one of our TV shows through Netflix.

I know I've talked about my spiritual sensitivity before but I'm about to again.

An episode of the show came on and it was about voo doo.

I knew the instant it went there, I should have turned it off

but I did that thing

that thing where I tell myself I'm just being a baby and deal with it.

I told my husband,

"I feel weird. We shouldn't watch this."

The thing is, it doesn't affect him in the same way.

I talked to my soul sister and told her,

"I don't get how people can say 'it only affects you if you let it.'"

She reminded me that we all have our own spiritual battles.

What can be used against me may or may not be used against my husband.

I knew that because of what I have experienced in our home

because of what I have had to work so hard to pray out of my sons room

to pray out of our space

that letting a spiritual episode on voo doo run in our home was the wrong thing.

So why didn't I listen?

Why did I ignore what I felt was being impressed upon me?

Maybe because my husband wasn't feeling it?

Maybe because it felt crazy to let something "so little" bother me?

I am reminded though of something I learned awhile back--

when animals sense fear or something being off, they run.

Humans are the only living creature who keep walking at it telling themselves why they're being ridiculous.

We have a natural "flight" pattern built in us to tell us when we should turn the other way and seek safety and yet, we ignore it.

We as women are constantly aware of built in awareness--

whether we have to walk in a dark parking lot or get into a car where no one else is around

we are taught to constantly look over our shoulder

but here is an example of how I kept walking toward danger.

Lesson learned & hopefully never repeated!

Get Real

I am lucky.
I have friends that tell me when to cut the crap.
Friends that hear the "I'm fine" even if it's through an email and tell me to
get real, come clean.

So I did.
And this is some of what I was able to purge thanks to my friend.

I'm in this big transition phase. I feel like I'm "over" the miscarriage. It sucked but it's done and behind me but that ONE thing kinda flipped my understanding of how I was living upside down. I went from running full speed 24/7 to coming to a daunting dead stop. I had this unwanted moment of complete free fall and landed on my back and it left me laying there staring up wondering, WHAT HAS TO CHANGE?

It has taken weeks to commit to what I felt I had to do. I had this BIG dream and was haunted with how much my dream drove me away from my reality as wife and mom. I pushed my family aside constantly for what I wanted. I didn't--I don't--have the ability to juggle well. I don't know how to turn off so the dream me was always on and the family me was something I was telling to wait for when I was ready--I was just never ready.

The miscarriage made me re-evaluate ALL of it. What was I doing? Was I happy? What are my priorities? And it was the toughest thing but I felt I was being lead to set "my dream" aside because what matters right now is my marriage and these precious moments of my son growing up. So I quit my dream by choice. This is the one thing that could wait for me. The one thing I could get to when my son was "done" being raised. And it's been emotional. There's this side that wants to scream DO YOU SEE WHAT I GAVE UP and this other side that is so at PEACE that I get to live out a dream I never expected I'd want: a family.

I really AM ok with my choice but there's the pride element, this selfish element that I'm trying to set aside knowing that I'm being obedient to what I feel called to do. I guess I just feel conflicted: How does it all work? How do women do it all? but I know, we all sacrifice something to be a mom, a wife, ourselves, a friend...there is always sacrifice....I just had to choose: what sacrifice has least amount of "profit loss"? The answer is: choosing my boys.

So here I am.
Mourning a loss-
Celebrating a gain-
Learning who THIS me is.

It's true...the days after the brutal work out yield the most immobility. So, I just have to stretch the aches out and keep running in this new direction and shaping this new me.

Deeeeep breaths.....

I have a prayer list a mile long today and a heart so full it could combust.

I'm piecing together recent conversations and making a patch work quilt out of what makes sense.
Talks of dreams and who I once was. Talks of hopes and who I am now. Conversations littering my mind while I build from where I'm at.
Peacefully hoping.
Prayerfully waiting.Everyone handles their path differently.
This is how I handle mine: I feel my heart through it, I write my way out, & I converse on repeat until I come to a level ground of confidence.
It's not wrong but it's not fast.
And at the moment, I want to arrive at my destination yesterday.
I'm praying & listening.

Sometimes when I pray, I realize I already have the answers--I just don't like them, so I pray a little longer hoping God will change His mind.
{He's patient.}
Sometimes I pray and I'm not sure I heard Him right so I ask again for clarity and then I hear him without hesitation.
Sometimes, it's easier not to hesitate than others.So my heart is a whirlpool of question right now and I'm asking:
God, what's your plan for me?
I see You working. I feel You moving.
I'm waiting on you because I don't have the confidence to move yet.
Lord, be patient with me and guide my every step.

I'm learning who I am as a wife. I am growing in who I am as a mother.
I know who I want to be--or who I wanted to be--and I'm digging through that earthly confusion.
One lovely moment at a time.
Just one--
at a time.

Refreshed

Recently I have really needed to get away.

I have needed to stretch and breathe and refresh outside of my routine.

I needed the chance to recharge and realign.

My cousin gave me that opportunity.On Friday I made the drive to Pasadena with no plans in mind, no itinerary, and nothing to accomplish. I was craving some down time with Tracy- someone who is not just a friend but family. Someone who gets the smaller pieces of where I come from, my inherent composition. I needed that.

The weekend included every little piece of what I needed to come home whole.

-Girl Talk
-Wine
-Chips & Dip
-Sangria
-A Girls Night Out: Dinner & a Movie!!
-An afternoon nap
-Alone time
-Shopping, shopping, and a wee bit more shopping

I spent the weekend in a safe place without a mind racing with all that I need to do to be wife and mommy.
My UNBELIEVABLE husband was the one standing at the doorway reminding me of all the things I needed to take, encouraging me to eat before hitting the road, and pushing me to go because he knew I needed it.
I don't think I even know how badly I needed it.

I have come home to two boys that I just adore & yesterday received the great news that my HcG levels are back to normal so no more blood work and in many ways--it is behind me now.

He is SO good.
Thank you Tracy for giving me a place to heal :) Your friendships worth to me is beyond measure.
Hus, I love you. Thank YOU for running the house (or letting it run you ;) so I could recharge.

Words of {ENCOURAGEMENT}

Today my personal goal is to give WORDS of {ENCOURAGEMENT}

My praises from yesterday:
I had a lunch date with my husband and he brought me flowers.
(Looks like the random act of kindness came to me instead of from me!)

I felt more selfless in our home and as a wife and mother than I have in a long time.
I was able to make dinners, prepare lunch for the next day, give a bath, and spend time with my son while the hus worked without tallying up my good deeds in my head.
I hate admitting that I do that, but I do and it's ugly.
It means I'm always prepared to counter attack when someone points out what I didn't do...
"But here is a list of what I DID do," I'll spew out.

I started reading a book suggested to me by my friend,
along with
Its in conjunction with my desire to be INTENTIONAL {1 Day at a Time}.

I believe that just digesting the words (although I really battle with some) is helping to soothe and strengthen my heart.

While the Women's Study major in me has a REALLY hard time with being told that God designed me with the primary responsibility to take care of our home even IF I have a job,
I realized that God knows that struggle I had and last night He gave me the eyes to see my calling as a blessing vs. a battle.
He let me see that giving my husband the time to do what he needed to do to provide for us that I was being his helper vs. his opponent.

Point is, my goal for Monday ended up fulfilling itself in Tuesday
and my goal for Tuesday ended up fulfilling itself this morning...

I feel like it's similar to playing, "I'm going on a picnic and I'm going to bring..."
Do you know the game?
The one where one person starts and says "I'm going to bring a watermelon"
The next person has to say what the person before them brought and what they are bringing
"I'm going to bring a watermelon and a baseball"
And so it goes on and on and the list gets bigger with ALL of the things you and everyone are bringing.

These personal goals are just opening my heart.

Today my goal is Words of {ENCOURAGEMENT}

It is better to GIVE than to RECEIVE

For the past few days I have been giving myself
a daily goal

Yesterday the goal was "LESS OF ME"
I wanted to challenge myself to put selfishness aside in favor of selflessness.
At the end of the day, I evaluate myself.
I find even the smallest way that I succeeded
and I go on to journal the successes, blessings, and burdens of my day.
It's a part of my {1 day at a time} as I move toward the habit of a new routine.

Today my goal is "RANDOM ACTS OF KINDNESS"
As I listened to the radio yesterday on my drive home from work the DJ's talked about ways that we can bless others.
Whether I am in a line at Starbucks and buy coffee for the person behind me or treat a stranger to lunch, I am able to bless others that I don't even know.
I felt renewed by this sense of "other"
I wanted to go buy coffee just so I could treat someone I didn't know.
I wanted to stop and say "Hi" to the homeless man instead of pretending he wasn't there.
I felt charged.

So today started with a prayer as I unlocked the office and turned the lights on.
I walked the halls and said aloud,
"God, I invite you here today. Use me as your hands, your eyes, and your heart. Show me how to love others the way you love them. Give me an opportunity to bless someone even if I don't know I'm doing it. Lord, be present here and let your love shine."

Today I am available for God to use me.
{1 day at a time}
Today's goal: RANDOM ACTS OF KINDNESS

10 Things That Make A Happy Day

10. An actually not-s0-good song that can make you dance despite bad lyrics.

9. A husband who does all of the dishes (including boiling the water to disinfect bottles when your house is missing a dishwasher...and you've bypassed doing it for weeks {months})

8. Trader Joe's pre-cooked spaghetti (because boiling water takes so much time!)

7. A cousin who is a friend and you know will always be there.

6. A Mom who takes a drive with you and buys you what you could never afford (I'm not above momentary material healing if it's offered ;)

5. A son who calls you at work to say "eh wuh oo. bye, bye." (Don't speak Midge? Translation: I love you, bye bye.)

4. Paying someone else to clean your house because you just need some kind of magic to take place without you behind it.

3. A bottle of red wine and a really hot shower because they are perfectly divine.

2. Seeing your friend's first ultrasound and that itty bitty baby I'll get to be buying present for soon.

1. A husband who says, "Lets run away. Lets call your mom and tell her to pick up the Midge and lets just leave." Because while you never actually would, knowing he's mentally right there with you and wanting to make it better is all I really need on this earth.

Beauty for Ash(es)

The things that make us who we are.

I'm sure there's a recipe to goodness... Like 10 cups of love, 2 cups of discipline, 2 TBSP rules, and 20 gallons of forgiveness.... I think that's the recipe we're all born with, our ovens just bake us differently.

Born in true purity, we slowly, gradually, both better and spoil. In a world of imperfection and hurting hearts, there isn't room for any of us to get out scott free.

Lately I have been thinking about all of the ingredients that have been added to my original recipe and changed the taste over time-- for sweeter and for bitter. I guess it was yesterdays post that really spurred this on. As I remembered who I swore I'd be: rich, successful, independent, and alone I recalled how I built that dream.

Divorce, abuse, alcohol, drugs, infidelity, custody battles, hate...

Some people take those ingredients and toss them out acknowledging they are bad, others make posters with big red circles and lines through it saying WARNING so they know not to go there, and others let the ingredients sit and define them. I know at times I was the latter but through my college years, I chose the poster method. I decided my major based on how those elements of my life shaped me. I put on my pink gloves and became a Women's Study major in the hopes that I could defend women like my mother, protect children like I wasn't, and crucify the people who wanted to poison goodness. I guess I also chose the latter though because it fired me up when my family didn't understand why I would be a feminist, why I would denounce motherhood and marriage.

I will always have a place in my heart for my pink gloves. I will always champion for women's rights. I will always want to step in and defend children who don't have a voice in the legal system. I am, however, grateful for a heart that has forgiven.

My husband is often patted on the back for the ways that he has changed me, bettered me even. I still get sideways looks of awe when the family who knew me when sees where I am now. While I know my husband is a huge part of the hole that was repaired in my heart, what I wish people would see is that it was Jesus. It was understanding how He loved me that repaired me and prepared me for the love of the man He had set aside for me. If I had not known my God, I could not have accepted my husband's love for me.

So lately, while I struggle with hurts and hang ups, I try to remember how imperfect I am. How I was born in purity but over time I have spoiled in places. While I have a good heart, ugly things can come from it. While I have good intentions, some times my communication is not effective. While I love, I also have the capacity to both be seriously hurt and to cause genuine hurt.

Beauty for Ash(es)....

The reason I will never own a BMW...

Did I say reason?

As in, there is only one reason that I will never own my White X5?
Woops
There are many reasons
but lets pretend I could afford it
lets pretend that the car doesn't cost years of wages where I'd starve, go naked, and dehydrate
lets pretend it wouldn't be a choice between sending my son to college
(USC mind you...fight on)
or driving.
lets pretend we wouldn't have to live in the car and attach a camper to it to survive.
lets pretend...


When I believed I would be single and barren for eternity my dream was to own a white house, have a white cat, and drive a white BMW 325i with brown leather interior.
I would own a white Pottery Barn couch and I would rule my own world in Gucci glasses and Prada shoes.

I cashed in on that dream for something far better--
an awesome marriage and a gorgeous baby boy.
Despite the fact that I never became an attorney in family law and wouldn't be able to buy my BMW
I realize something deeper...

I never want a thing to be more important than someone I love.

Accidents happen.
Just ask my mom.
In 1985 I found a pack of peppermint Bubble Yum.
When I was done, my piece went right into my mom's beloved Jeep Wagoneer Seat.
My dad bought her a brand new Mercedes back in 1987
The first day of owning it, my sister took a bite out of the passenger side head rest.

About a year ago, the hus and I bought our first piece of brand new furniture--
a Pottery Barn Coffee Table.
I felt like we had accomplished something huge.
I wanted to engrave Pottery Barn on the top just so people knew, WE DID IT!
Well, we didn't engrave it with those words...
the table has been engraved though....
with the scars of trucks and cars being tossed across it by one precious little man
(so precious I want to squeeze him too tight sometimes).

Point is, it got me thinking--
it's just a thing!
I don't want to own nice things if it means I will make my son think he's worth less.
I need to own things knowing they aren't going anywhere with me
but I have one chance to make my little boy's heart right.So, goodbye BMW.
Not because I can't afford you
(I am sure I could sell enough blood to buy you)
But because I'd be a wreck if my little man bit a hole in your head rest or smashed a cracker into your German leather.

Christmas With My Boys

Yesterday I got to talking with one of my best friends about Christmas.

"What are you doing? Where are you going? What parties are you attending? What are you buying?"
You know, all of the standard Christmas questions.
One, however, really stuck out to me..."What are you doing with YOUR family?" She asked.
I responded, "My family? Oh, me and MY boys?
Wow...um...nothing.
Christmas is about making everyone else happy."
"You HAVE to do something with your boys. Lets think about this," and her wheels were turning.

Although she left me mid thought to get her lunch ;)
I was intrigued and kept thinking on my own.

I looked at our calendar, canceled an event that I had attempted to host, sent out the email to all who were invited and sent an evite to my husband:You are invited to Christmas with your family :)
December 18-20th we have NOTHING on the calendar and it belongs to US.
Join your son and I for the following:
Friday: Pizza & A Christmas Movie

Saturday: A Day on the coast. We'll eat burgers for lunch, visit the seals, and walk the town. That night we'll do a wagon walk downtown for hot cocoa. It will end with family movie night in bed!

Sunday: Church at Saddleback & Daddy's Rollie Pollies

Only rules are:
NO COMPUTER. NO PHONES. JUST FAMILY
Consider it a dare to us both!!

I love you,
Me

I love Christmas however this year already feels different.
I don't have the energy to decorate.
(apparently I wasted it on glittering pumpkins in October)
I don't want to buy a tree.
(I would rather donate the $60 to a family in need)
My brother will be working retail and unable to come home. My sister is going to Hawaii with her boyfriend (Lets not even talk about how I never would have been able to get away with that one!)
It will be my first Christmas entirely spent away from my family.
(Had to happen some time but doesn't mean I like it)
I'm really ready to start having Christmas with my boys not going anywhere!
(one day)

So, instead of moping --- aside from what you read above
My friend encouraged me to MAKE my own Christmas.
A little evite, a heart full of good intention, and Christmas is just around the corner!!

Oh, and my husband already RSVP'd Yes :)

Choice 3: Letting Go

Choice 3

Letting Go
The Commitment Phase
Letting go sounds so easy--when I think of putting down a pan or throwing a ball.
Letting go has never sounded easy when it came to releasing my burdens.

People always said, "Happiness is a choice."
I always wanted to hit those people.
(Sorry, Hus)
I just didn't feel like choosing to be happy, choosing to let go, made sense.
Of course I want to let my ish go but what did it mean to choose to do it?!

I'm starting to get it.

The book describes a cycle that our human nature tends to gravitate to,
a big giant, non-ending circle of Guilt-->Anger-->Fear-->Depression
and then it just starts all over again.

Been there, done that.

So What's Holding Me Back from choosing to let go?

Pride
The beatitude for this choice is "Happy are the meek"
"Meekness actually means 'strength under control'. It is surrender, submitting, agreeing to do what God wants done in my life."

I had never known that that is what meek meant. What I thought meant weak meant controlled strength. Oh, how I want that! It sounds so peaceful, so serene, so...beyond what I am capable of on my own!

Guilt
"Problems far too big for me to solve are piled higher than my head. Meanwhile my sins, too many to count, have all caught up with me, and I am ashamed to look up." Psalm 40:12

I love this passage.
I have been so stuck in this. So frozen in, "God, I can't come back to you again. I don't deserve you!"
Oh, but I do!! I deserve Him!

Fear
...being afraid of what [I] might have to give up.
Part of my control issue is fear of losing my freedom but, "true and lasting freedom is choosing who controls [me]."
Will it be what others think of me? Will it be the unknown future? Will it be the unchangeable past? Who will I give the power to control my heart?

Worry
"If [I] focus on the problems--the individual tasks involved in making [my] dream a reality--[I] may never make [any decision]. Make the decision; let God worry about problem solving."
I don't need to think about how it will work out, I just need to make a decision and know that God will work it out!

& Doubt
"It's not the size of your fatih that matters; it's the who or what you put your faith in that matters."

So I guess, what am I waiting for...
"Look! Here I stand at the door and knock. If you hear me calling and open the door I will come in, and we will share a meal as friends." Revelation 3:20

(DON'T FORGET ABOUT THE ITUNES GIVEAWAY)

Choice 2: The Hope Choice

Getting Help

Choice 2
The HOPE Choice
I've always known that I carried years of hurt.
I had just mistakenly believed I was over it...most of it.
but the thing is,
"When we carry a hurt for a long time, we eventually find our identity in that hurt and become a victim."

I want to share this paragraph with you because I can feel how it has swollen my heart:
"As we work through the eight choices of this book, we will come face-to-face with truths about ourselves and our lives that we have tried to hid--and hide from--our whole lives. We begin to experience hurt and a sense of loss. This is the process of 'mourning' and it brings a whole new kind of pain. We mourn over our past mistakes, and we even mourn over our loss of control. In the end, God leads us to His comfort, if we will just trust in Him."

As it turns out, Grief is God's Pathway to Comfort and Pain is God's Antidote for Denial.

There is a beautiful quote in the book from C.S. Lewis,
"God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks in our conscience, but shouts in our pain. Pain is God's megaphone to rouse a deaf world."

Despite where I have been, I have been blessed in an understanding that God has not done this to me.
The night He first visited me, I was fourteen and He told me, "It's going to be OK."
I spent days alone, blocking the sunlight in and battling him: Was it REALLY going to be OK?
And somehow I survived myself.
And it's MORE than OK even though I have my work to do.

"Just because God allows pain to enter [my] life does not mean that He causes the pain..Pain is often a consequence of [my] poor choices or the poor choices of others...The miracle is that he brings goo out of [my] pain by using it to lead [me] to His comfort and away from [my] denial."

I have chosen to believe, now I am choosing to receive.

I am begging Him to expose what I am hiding from and He is answering.
For the past three nights, I have had the most amazing dreams.
He has walked me into past shames and current life hang-ups and in my dreams,
I live the moment so vividly, I awake in true peace.
I awake feeling healed and in belief that those dreams were reality.
He is talking to me.
He is answering my call.
I have done what I know how to do for 27 years.
God willing, I cannot go another 27 years with hidden hurts that emerge when I least expect them.

I am no longer afraid to ask for His help.
I am ready for change.

If you are, too, I'd love the opportunity to pray for you.
Please email me.

Life's Healing Choices by John Baker

Admitting Need

Choice 1:

Admitting Need
"At the root [my] human tendency to do wrong is [my] desire to be in control." p.15
All I have ever wanted is control!!
The world around me constantly felt out of control.
I was angry and hurt and depressed.
When my parents divorced when I was 5, I lost all sense of normalcy.
They hated each other and I defined myself by that hate.
To control my chaos, I struggled with eating, I battled suicidal thoughts, I was a cutter, I chose violent relationships--
"[I] play[ed] God by trying to control [my] image, other people, [my] problems, and [my] pain."

"Why are we afraid to tell people who we are? The answer is, 'If I tell you who I really am and you don't like me, I'm in trouble-- because then I'm all I've got." pg. 16
So here I am.
I don't want to live in fear of who won't like me because in truth, what I need more than for you to like me is for me to love myself.

I have tried to control my pain but I have only postponed it throughout the years with different self medicated tools:
I want to run and travel. I have tried withdrawing into a hole and building a protective wall of depression around myself. I have been angry.
None of what I have done has worked because if it had, I'd be fixed, and I'm not.

I have to tell you something.
He Heals.
I have let Him heal parts of me, but now it's time for the rest of me that I was pretending didn't matter.
*
In December of 2004 I experienced my first miracle.
After an 8 year dependency on anti depressants, my friend asked me if I would receive healing prayer.
I had no idea what she was talking about but I was ready.
I had tried to break free and my body would have intense physical withdraws.
I knew, I could not do it alone.
As the church emptied out one Wednesday night, the hall became still.
With the hands of a pastor on my shoulders and my friends hands on my hands, the pastor asked me,
"Do you believe in God?"
"Yes," I told him feeling tears well up inside me.
"Do you believe He can heal you?"
"More than ever," I confessed

The pastor went on in prayer.
My friend prayed over me in tongues.
A wind gently came up from behind me and it pulled forward.
I knew, without a doubt, Jesus was there.
He had taken my dependency in that moment.
I did not have one withdraw symptom.
It was Christmas morning, seven days later, that I was positive there were no more drugs in my system and I was FREE and HEALED.
*
I am coming to God now with the issues deeper than I am even aware of.
I am coming to Him willing to work for the Healing I have been avoiding.
I am tired of the consequences that playing God in my life have created.
I am tired of the Fear, the Frustration, The Fatigue (my favorite sayings are, "I'm tired" and "I feel sick"), I am tired of Failure.
"You will never succeed in life if you try to hide your sins. Confess them and give them up; then God will show mercy to you." Proverbs 28:13

Here I am, admitting total weakness and desiring a humble heart for "the weaker I get, the stronger I become," 2 Corinthians 12:10

I often understood myself only for the vessel of pain I was.
Before 2004, I only knew who I was by the hurts I had.
As it turns out, while I am an entirely different person from 2004, 2009 shows me there is an even bigger leg of the journey to embark on.
Lord, I am ready.

Life's Healing Choices

I have begun a long journey and I want you to join me.

This journey promises healing and healing is exactly what I need.I have begun a study on a book called "Life's Healing Choices: Freedom from Your Hurts, Hang-Ups, and Habits" by John Baker.
Hurts? I've got a basement full.
Hang-Ups? I've got plenty.
Habits? Too many too count.

"Happiness is a choice--and you can choose it one choice at a time:
Choice 1
Admitting Need
The Reality choice

Choice 2
Getting Help
The Hope Choice

Choice 3
Letting Go
The Commitment Choice

Choice 4
Coming Clean
The Housecleaning Choice

Choice 5
Making Changes
The Transformation Choice

Choice 6
Repairing Relationships
The Relationship Choice

Choice 7
Maintaining Momentum
The Maintenance Choice

Choice 8
Recycling Pain
The Sharing Choice

Regardless of what you are struggling with--whether it's emotional, financial, relational, spiritual, or sexual--the principals that lead to happiness and healing are always the same, and the choice is always yours."

I have made the first choice.
I have Admitted Need
I realize I'm not God
I admit that I am powerless to control my tendency to do the wrong thing and that my life is unmanageable.

The consequences of playing God have brought me
Fear
Frustration
Fatigue
&
Failure

I admit my weakness.
I admit that I am powerless to change my past
I admit that I am powerless to control other people
I admit that I am powerless to cope with my harmful habits, behaviors, and actions.

I am on a journey....
I crave healing.
I desire His best in my life.
I can't be my own God anymore.
I know Him, I love Him, I need to trust Him.
I have made 1 choice.
I have 7 choices to go.
I will recover.
I will be victorious.
I will be free in Him.

image here

Habitude Graditude

On Saturday, I had the chance to grab pizza and a brew with my 'rents and the midge.

While the hus was out working another wedding, I just ate and drank
('cause Mom-ing is that easy! ;)
There's something I love about my Dad...how simple he is and how happy he is.
Every time I see him I can expect a quick quiz of "What's 8x3" because, despite the fact that I'm not in the fourth grade anymore, I'm still his little girl.
He only wears the color blue, waters the lawn because it's relaxing, and won't eat anything that's remotely outside of a cheeseburger or Campbell's soup.
That's just him.
Despite the fact that he is the District Attorney and sees ugly every day,
he always smiles, never yells, and I can always count on him for a cheesy joke.The point is, I have a lot to learn form him.
As he asked me to catch him up on work
(Which by the way is not going well. My company has hit the cut back phase and for 4 weeks now, I've been on pins and needles waiting for the cut myself--)
and he stared at his grandson sneaking him sips of Sprite,
he just simply said,
"I was listening to a Christan radio show and you know what? It was about happiness. The more you focus on the things to be grateful for, the more grateful you'll be. So, think about the happy stuff. I mean, your other option is think about the ugly stuff and you'll just be miserable."
He's right.
He got me thinking.

I sure have been moaning a lot lately--err,um--complaining/moaning a lot
and yah, I need to get it off my chest, but I've been just stewing in it.

So, I'm giving myself a simple challenge.
"They" say that it takes doing something only 7 times for it to become a habit
(I have no idea where I heard that, but I swear it was only 7 times)
so I am going to celebrate the things I am grateful for, for the next 7 days.
We'll start with my weekend.
This weekend, I am grateful...
For my husband's ability to juggle 2 full time jobs and still smile when he comes home.
For "rollie poley" Saturday Mornings ( the hus' special pancakes)
For good conversation and a free meal with my parents!
For technology and having a video chat game night with our friends who live too far away!
That someone trusted my etsy partner and I to complete their wedding invitations (it is always such an honor!)
For my little boy who reaches up to give me kisses, pulls me down to sit in my lap, and who tries new signs every day (we do sign language with him).

What is something you are grateful for from your weekend?
(Shouldn't a Monday always start with an ounce of something happy?! :)