This is what Mom's do....

I wouldn't call myself a helicopter parent.

In fact, I err more on the side of not wanting to upset the team, the school, the professionals, vs. raising cane on behalf of my sons.

I don't need my children to be the all star athlete (thank goodness, because they can't run without tripping), I don't need them to be straight A students (please don't be smarter than me!) & I don't need them to be the most popular (Actually, please don't be. That's too much unhealthy pressure!)

What do I want for my children then? 

I want to figure out who they are & give them every damn opportunity to be bold, confident and brave in those areas! (And perhaps I want to infuse their lives with a bit of my own selfish passions like love of adventure & a heart for Jesus.)

In the past month my inner mama-bear has been tested.

We walked into a new school system with two months to go in the school year. It was quickly brought to my attention that my son is "behind his peers" and "it's on [me] to catch him up." I was less quickly given options, assistance, & direction. It really was ON me. 

At eight years old, my second grader is scholastically passionate and seemingly statistically average. What do I say to that? BE passionate, son! I don't care what grade you get; I care that you try your hardest, I care that your eyes light up when you imagine seeing the Statue of Liberty in person, I light up when you spew facts you learned in class or ask questions we have to look up answers for together. THAT is success to this mom. 

I have NO problem with my son having a deficit or area of improvement. I don't expect, need, or anticipate perfection, but if there IS an issue, I will do whatever I can to give my children a leg up, to bring their head to the surface, to throw them a life raft, and/or to provide them with opportunity. When my son's teacher told me he was behind I asked: what can I do, where can I go & how can I help? But instead of answers I got: google it.

I started to feel crazy! How far behind is he? How much help does he need? What kind of help does he need?

I've been conflicted. I excused the teacher's distance with "it's the end of the school year....it must be frustrating to get a new student from a different state..." and I began to own what was "on me" to help him with. I began chasing down avenues for myself. I would not raise cane, it's my fault we are the inconvenience...

This is what Mom's do, right? We worry. We love so big our hearts explode and our brains are never off. How can we BE everything our children need while still being our selves and honoring our marriages as the priority?

To make a long story short, I had NO idea where to turn, I had my son assessed at Lindamood-Bell Learning Processes. As a mom, I needed to know how behind was my son? Was the teacher not teaching or was my child drowning (in her one week time with him). What I got was peace of mind. My son wasn't behind at all! He was ahead of his current grade level in his ability to comprehend and every piece that is involved with that. I cried. And then I got angry. I was furious I had spent weeks worried and wondering if I had missed something these last few years of his schooling. I was livid his teacher hadn't given me resources, hadn't offered to teach him what her classrooms processes are, I was angry at her.

When the kids were in bed & my husband was asleep, I sobbed until 2am. I mourned the work of our cross state move, the frustration with the school system, the exhaustion I felt emotionally. I praised God that I had answers, I had gotten help from friends, that I now knew what to do. I unloaded all of my feelings and questions and doubts and thanks that had been stuffed so tightly in but I now had permission to move past.

This is what Mom's do, right? We worry. We love so big our hearts explode and our brains are never off. This is what we do. We lay our hearts down at each morning drop off, pick them back up at each afternoon pick up, question our sanity, practice-practice-practice patience, strive to balance scholastic expectation with normal childhood needs along with sharing our faith, answering their questions, and providing them with a healthy family. This is what we do. And the job never ends, but if we're lucky, we know we aren't alone. I know I'm not alone. I've got a merciful God who reminds me to show that teacher mercy, to forgive, a God who asks me to lay my burdens at His feet even when I think they're mine to cling to, and a God who lets me weep & in the weeping shows me He loves ME just like I love my boys.

This is what Mom's do. 

Dear Starbucks....

Dear Starbucks, 

This is a story most mom's can tell, but do they?!

I'm writing on behalf of the decaffeinated, the play-date-dream-broken, & the bereaved.

I'm writing for all the moms who have planned the out-of-the-box play date, 

the women who imagined the perfect scenario playing out beside their fellow veteran(s),

& the moms who are constantly reminded of what perfect parents we were....before children.

Like most golden play dates, it begins with YOU, Starbucks.

You're the goal...the reward...nay, you give us purpose, reason & fulfillment just with ONE little cup & one emerald green straw.

Starbucks, this story is for you.

So the story starts like this...

It was a cool, crisp morning in Lake Oswego.

Leila and I were looking forward to sitting river side on the Willamette (damnit!)

The dream included a picnic blanket, beach towels, & shovels

(or kitchen spoons since we're the ultra creative type).

It had been weeks since we had seen each other & the kids kept saying (read: begging relentlessly) to play.

Why NOT try a new park, a new place to roam, an adventure?

We showed up to a serene setting.

We set up camp & threw the spoons to the kids and released them to begin creating clean, organized river dirt castles.

Oh, sweet divinity!

Leila & I would now....finally...warm our hands & bellies with liquid gold: lattes!

Grande, Skinny Vanilla, Lattes! 

(By the way, thank you, Starbucks, for making it such a great drink to order. 

"SKINNY Vanilla latte for Allegra!" the barista shouts over the fans & I'm all too confident & happy to claim it: "That's right! That's MY Skinny drink....and my cake pop...)

This is when things get good.

The kids aren't staying on the river bed...they're quickly approaching the river.

No, wait, they're IN the river.

($&!* . Oh, well. WE have Starbucks!)

Then...the unthinkable!

That cute little, old, pink haired lady with the knee brace & clearly too-much-for-her wet river soaked dog come screaming through OUR imperfectly perfect Mom Moment!

Grande SKINNY lattes & hot chocolate are E.V.E.R.Y.W.H.E.R.E

Wet river mud has caked not only us but the blanket, the beach towels, and our bodies.

Our jaws drop.

The dog is not just taking a single pass through our space but multiple.

Multiple jumpy, dirty, barky, gross passes through OUR mom moment.

It seems we now have nothing to live for.

Our children are disgusting (more so than before)

Our coffee is gone!

>>>OUR SKINNY VANILLA LATTES ARE GONE!<<<<

That's not just our fuel but it was our hard saved pennies!

That ONE thing that gets to be ours...that one SWEET, expensive, indulgent treat...

it's GONE along with our money.

We are now left with

no apology

confirmed dislike of domesticated pets

no coffee

dirty kids

& we are convinced we are on "Boiling Point"

Oh, Starbucks...you are the reason we manage & the devastation when the cup goes forcibly dry.

You save us from our worst selves...until someone else strips us of our moment.

We may never recover.

(Well, until we save up for the next cup.)

With Love,

Allegra & Leila

The Gift of Experience

Christmas is coming.

I love this season for the magic it brings. Twinkling lights, Rosie Thomas Christmas music, the smell of a fresh turkish fur, chilly weather, decorations, & the spirit of intention; that's what I see in the still small anticipatory moments. I fear however, like every month, the time ushers past me too quickly and I'm caught up in the navigation of daily life with the added holiday agenda.

Already I am dreaming of Christmas morning and seeing the faces of some of those I love opening up presents. I have spent possibly too much time considering just what to wrap up for them before purchasing. Then there's the worry that my children will MISS the reason of the season: Jesus. That I will miss JESUS in the season!

Yesterday, in an epic toy explosion we call KK, we had the chance to examine every single toy we own strewn out around the living room. Wide eyed, my husband and I stared at each other: this is NOT what we want!

I shared, "Sweetie, I really WANT to ask people NOT to get our children toys for Christmas," and he acquiesced.

Now before you think I'm a horrible mother trying to strip the magic of Santa's delivery or rob grandparents of their ability to love long distance, it's NOT that I want to rob my children, it's quite the opposite, I want to GIVE to my children. I am not against the idea of gifting (after all, it's MY very own love language. I LOVE gift giving). What I want though for my children is the gift of experience.

I know, Skylanders are an experience (a technologically odd one but an experience none the less), blocks expand the mind, remote helicopters are fun (for dad), & nerf guns are fabulous but they all lose their magic. Each toy that was so highly coveted soon becomes a thing of the past and only remembered if in generations to come they are resurrected again, like Ninja Turtles or Strawberry Shortcake. What takes longer to dissipate, what builds bonds, what grows relationships is the gift of experience.

From my childhood, what I cherish most now is the gift my grandma gave of The Candy Cane Tree. Before she arrived at our house, she'd hang a barren tree with dozens of candy canes. All three of us would line up at the end of the street and at the word GO would race down and strip the tree of it's new peppermint leaves and see who won the "who got the most!" contest. I remember all of the clothes we would get and between cousins our eyes would meet and silently say, "I can't wait to return this with you on our after-Christmas shopping trip!" I LOVE the annual gift my Aunt and Uncle gave us of family bowling WITH team shirts. And of course, there is always the gift of Christmas Dinner at the castle. Gifts of love, time, & laughter that just STICK in my heart like cinnamon roll frosting on my fingers.

I don't want my children to relive my experience and the magic it brought me. I want them to have their own. I want them to be sown into with opportunity: college support, swimming lessons, a chance to go to the movie theater, an art class, a pottery painting hour, a date for a shake at Sonic, a trip to Dutch Brothers for a hot chocolate. Some of these experiences are less than $5 and give the gift of living life outside of our own financial ability to provide or sustain.

The humbling part is that I realize in writing this that my wish to dictate what is given to my children is selfish. I want to orchestrate the love that is sent to them, given to them, doted upon them to fit within my parenting dreams.

In this moment, I stare at the sea of legos, the ninja turtle figurines, and the endless supply of hot wheels and wonder, is this not relational experience too between brothers? Perhaps I am off base. The heart of this rant, however, is my acknowledgement that time is invaluable and what an amazing opportunity to gift others in our lives with small gifts to encourage relationship. At the very epicenter of my heart is the desire to spend less time frustrated at the chaos of cleaning & more time GIVING LIFE to my family in the art of making memories.

{Looking for ideas on how to give non-toy gifts?? Check out this post!}

Recovering from Recovery

We have come through to the other side of Kheler's post surgical recovery! 

We made it! 

It wasn't like we expected, yet we didn't actually know what to expect.

It was hard. 

You know how doctors give you those "there's a 10% chance x, y, & z could happen" statistics and you think, "Well, THOSE are great odds!"? 

Well, they ARE good odds, but we weren't the 90%, we were the 10%. 

I circled my emotional drain multiple times a day. 

Each morning I started my day on my 1/8' of the bed with the verbal proclamation, "I can't do this!" and I meant it. It wasn't a hypothetical statement, it was one I believed in my core. 

It turns out, we have a VERY strong willed, determined, and stubborn son. All three years of him convinced us that he will become a doesn't-take-dookie Navy Seal Commander. That kid had my husband and I, two people on the same team, convinced the other was an under cover spy working for the enemy. 

We had a son who had become a popsciletarian, anti-beverage, and could be a poster child for DARE...he WOULD NOT take the drugs! I mean, bravo to him, I hope it stays that way, but in this particular season, we were practically {no, we actually were} pinning him down, blowing air up his nostrils to get him to open his mouth long enough to super-soak his throat with hydrocodone only to watch him volcanically erupt it back in our direction. Did you get winded by the ridiculous length of that sentence? It was worse in real life.

In all of it's empty, ugly, exhausting, heart breaking misery though, there was life being planted for us. 

The only comparison I have now for what we went through and now being on the other side is that it was like depression. When you are depressed, truly, dark hole, desolate depressed, you can't even fathom what a smile feels like or remember what happiness FEELS like. People TELL you you will feel it again, but the numbness has spread too deep. 

This was like that. I KNEW it was temporary, but I COULD NOT see the light. I could NOT get on my knees and pray...I could only beg. My prayers became like tick marks on a prison wall, "Just make it stop. Make.It.Stop!" I KNEW there was an ending, but I didn't see how we were going to feel normal again. And in ALL of that, I felt greedy for taking up air space with God. 

Who was I to be praying for a fever, a bleeding throat, a child who was fighting me to get better when there are others with so much more persistent pain? 

I found myself void of the reality that this inconsequential moment in my life MATTERED to Him.

But that's where He worked. 

He climbed in the holes others were keeping Him FOR me. 

He lived in my neighbor who lovingly shared her empathy and was my guide through this. He used her as the echo reminding me, "You're not alone!"

He breathed through my best friend who sat on the other end of the phone letting me be angry and telling me, "I'm sorry," which was exactly what I needed...just to vent.

He lifted me up through my girl friends as we tri-talked via group chat in facebook. When I went silent, they said, "Get real with us!"

He hugged me & spread His covering over me through the servants heart of a friend who put together a meal train, made treat and present deliveries and showed up at the ER the second time Kheler had to go in.

He stared me in the face each time I opened my door and found a balloon, stuffed animal, gift, flowers or a note from a complete stranger wishing us well.

My friend Carin wrote the most beautiful blog & included a bit about our walk through this recovery. She wrote, "I felt like walking behind her that week with a sign pointing at her that read 'BE NICE! She hasn't slept in a week and her baby boy is really really sick. Buy her a coffee.'" And it made me CLING to the reality that we are LOVED, we are PROVIDED for, we MATTER. It makes me want to LOVE out harder, more compassionately, more sacrificially, more intentionally than ever.

It was dark. It is light again. We each have our seasons where we need someone behind us with a sign. Who are you holding the sign for right now? Who do you need to hold a sign for? Are you the one who needs the sign? 

Know this, the sun always shines again.

Tricks of the Save

Ok so saving money tricks is one of my favorite topics! I talk a lot about it lately with other women and of course with my husband as we have now celebrated the accomplishment of 8 years of HARD and focused work!

8 years ago, my husband & I took financial counseling at Saddleback in Orange County when we were first married. We started our marriage with over a combined $80k in debt from from both college & business loans that we were locked in to but that we wanted to be free of to achieve our goals. 

Our family goals included 

1. Buying a home

2. Traveling

3. When we had kids, that I could be a stay at home mom

In the early years, my husband made about $15 and hour and I made $13. We were living on the pennies left over from car payments, student loan payments, and business credit card debt. In our first apartment, we had all hand-me-down furniture that included a lovely set of christmas colored chairs & an ornate glass dining table. We didn't have a couch or living room furniture aside from a television that didn't even have cable and an ikea coffee table. But in it's own right, it was the magic of starting off.

So, we pursued change!

Between the financial tools that Saddleback gave us together & the classes Christan took with the Dave Ramsey plan, we kicked out all debt about four years ago. That makes it sound easy, but it wasn't. It included

PAYING a car dealership to take back one of our cars, carpooling, doubling up credit card payments, doubling up student loan payments, knocking out debt one debt at a time until 1 year ago we were entirely debt free. It included other sacrifices like not having cable {which we still don't have}.

If we HADN'T done this, two years ago when we BOTH lost our jobs we would have lost our home. As it was, we had no car payments and no pending debt we owed on. We had an emergency savings account we had poured into at Dave Ramsey's teaching and it "paid" for one of the hardest years of our life where we DID have to sell our home and move out of state to find work. However, today, after just celebrating a year of employment we have accomplished remaining DEBT FREE, buying a new home, and owning two new cars. It's HUGE for us. 

How do we do it now?

-We are on a cash only system. With each pay period I pull out our cash for things like Groceries, Gas, Clothes, Dates, Babysitting & Gifts. I have all of our cash organized in a coupon filer. When the cash is gone, we don't spend. 

-We have an amazing budgeting tool we were gifted from Saddleback that we use to help us figure out where the money goes and how much we have for the necessities as well as the fun. 

-We have a spreadsheet that shows which bills fall into which pay period so I know exactly what goes out and when it goes out by week. 

Other Savings Tricks

Every morning I do 3 things:

1. Load coupons to my Freddy's card. The coupons I load to my grocery shopping rewards card are automatically deducted at check out + they let me print my coupon/shopping list to help.

2. Check couponpro 

​3. Check groupon & living social for family activities & restaurant deals  (the reality is we WILL use them at some point and we LOVE adventure so we budget for it and pre-plan for it. My motto is without a plan both time and money are wasted)

I also....

1. Do a lot of online shopping in order to save! I use ebates to shop because they give me quarterly cash back kick backs for just linking my shopping through them & retailmenot to always check from promo codes before I check out.

2. Use my YELP app wherever I go! There are often check in incentives like a free drink, 10% off, etc.

3. Use Target's Cartwheel App + the Shopkick app when I'm at Target because I save a lot

4. I always plan ahead - if something is one sale and I know we use it, I buy it {clothes, gift cards through Freddys, cleaning supplies}. I keep a back stock so nothing is ever an urgent purchase.

5. I recycle. We often have soda cans and water bottles in stock so as we drink I save them and I take them to Costco or the local grocery store to recycle. It's worth the couple dollars I get back from that for me me to put towards my groceries.

6. I Christmas shop & Birthday shop all year long. I keep the gifts in my closet so it spreads out the financial "burden" of gifting {which I love to give gifts}

In the end

Saving is a way of life for me. 

I value it & it IS my job. 

My husband has asked me to track how much I save and when I save so we can truly understand the income I currently make with the hard work that goes into PLANNING, RESEARCH, & SAVING.

I am tremendously GRATEFUL that we have taken the lessons we learned early on seriously. There were times we felt desolate and utterly discouraged as we looked at other people and what they had. What we have experienced in the last year as a result of YEARS working to better our financial situation, however, is irreplaceable. I don't see what we don't have. I see what we DO.
We live on one income, I am home with my kids, we LIVE life & I LOVE that! It's worth all my time learning and saving.

What are some of your tricks??

high dives and puddle jumps

This is one of those posts where I feel like it could rub people the wrong way. One that puts my heart out there to potentially be cracked, but I feel it churning and when that happens, it has to come out with all of it's truth & good intention.

My son is turning three.

It's the age old tale for me of making sure everyone is included, no one is left out, and most of all my children only know love.

The tale is a twisted one with bumps and bruises from falls {high dives and puddle jumps} but it all comes down to divorce.

My parents couldn't be more opposite people, both amazing in their own right of being, but oil and vinegar always separate even IF you shake them up for a bit.

I remember when my first son was coming into the world - I worried not only about my in laws but my two sets of parents. Managing expectations and taking personal responsibility for the emotion management of others is something I can't seem to grow out of. I wear it like the five extra pounds I want to shed but can't quite commit to working off. So the burden sits there, like a noose.

Six years of grandchildren's' birthdays later, I still become achingly aware of the crevice of pain that IS my family. Not my husband's or my children's', but my past that always comes knocking. While I have learned to navigate through it, there is still a five year old girl in me who never gets used to watching her mommy & daddy hate each other.

Most of my life, I've lived near with or near my mom.

31 years of it actually.

For one year, I've lived near my dad.

Growing our friendship, sharing the ins and outs of the little things vs. one week a year relational saturation.

Now my mom is the visitor, the the home field belongs to my dad.

I am the field manager.

I am acutely aware of the precautions that need to be established, the traffic signs that need to be put up to avoid any encounter pre-game.

This year, there isn't a pre-game...no party, no birth for anyone to be forced to co-mingle at the center of the field for; there's just a one sided coin toss:

mom wins one week.

see you in a bit, dad.

The pink elephant in the room LOOMS there.

We all pretend fifteen miles away is one thousand, that every day grandparent roles haven't switched, and a state line doesn't divide us.

I am five on the inside, thirty-two on the outside.

I am a mom who desperately wants my children to be protected from the bad relationships that DO exist in their extended family.

I am the mom who struggles to answer their questions: 

"Who's your mommy & who's your Daddy, mommy?"

I am the daughter who probably won't ever reconcile the pain it causes me but I will continually unload the burden on Jesus to show me how to love like a grown woman, not a hurt child.

My son is turning three.

Separate celebrations will happen because it's best for everyone involved;

But wouldn't it be amazing IF we could all lay the burden down and BE love for that little boy in one place, at one time, all together?

It would.

Managing Summer

 I feel like Summer just SNUCK up on me & I can't quite wrap my head around all my hopes, dreams, plans & goals.

Last night I just had to sit down, write it out, and get it on paper.

My personal reality is I have an etsy store that I want & need to succeed. I'm also a mom of a 2.5 year old & 6 year old with night & day personalities {one extrovert who wants all day attention & one introvert who wants quiet time}. Of course then there's also my short resume that includes home accountant, maid, entertainment manager, personal shopper & saver, behavior & character development manager, wife, friend, short order chef, & self.

To wrap my head around all of this succeeding, I had to lay it out not for a strict sense of following a timeline, but to have some structure and order to our every day routine.

At the heart of our family mantra is COLLECT MOMENTS & MAKE MEMORIES so my husband and I really love to live actively with our kids. It includes taking pictures and things as simple as a picnic at the park or last minute pizza dinner at a playground. We love adventure, newness & exploring. I figured with limited brain space for the months ahead, I should do some advance thinking & made a short list for us on those, "I can't think of what to do" moments

So, I'm starting my 1st official Summer Morning following the schedule.

The kids are playing with the legos with PBS Kids on & I'm managing my 2 hour morning work allotment with some instagram marketing, some blogging, & some order processing. 

It's really easy for me to get overwhelmed.

My brain is often a firing ground for chaotic thoughts of lists ranging from the dreams to the do's.

I am HOPING some of this can start to feel natural as I have the grateful gift of being with my boys every day this summer!

The Post in Partum (Part I)

The clock ticks and I can hear it. I can hear every bloody tic-toc...tic-toc and I stare out losing myself again. It's dark inside, cold to the point of curling in on myself, and the echo aches...rattles my soul (if it's still there.)

The tears come and I can't stop them. I'm angry inside. No one cares, no one hears me, everyone needs from me, takes from me, depletes me. I give-and give-and give but there's nothing left but a shallow pool of blood that pulses; it's the only thing telling me I'm alive.

He finds me--hiding, sobbing uncontrollably, behind a glass door that holds every article that covers me, labeling me as "together" or "tired" or "SAHM" or "professional" and all I can do is tell myself to keep breathing. I have to keep breathing.

It's the day before it all changes and while my world moves around me, I stand still just hoping I can hang on a little longer (because I'm not far 'nuff gone to want to leave it forever....right??) The ocean crashes, the planks below our feet keep us staring down---hand in hand---and I say, "I need help. I know this scares you, but I can't do this anymore."

We stop, he admits, "It does scare me. I don't understand it," and I know it does...because it's been seven years...and it's okay but it doesn't change where I am.

We reach out and we hear from someone who knows what they're talking about: "You can't go back to work. We need to take care of you." I crumble inside--like soft cheese--I just needed that final push and I could break down so I could rebuild.

That was the day that I was reborn to myself....again.

(to be continued)

The {UN}shining

I am days away from:

meeting my second baby
completing my family
starting overand suddenly

I'm
overwhelmed
& terrified.

I'm counting seconds of "what's left" vs. looking at the joy of what's to come
and I haven't felt this sad about it all until yesterday.

Yesterday when I heard my body wasn't doing what I was hoping it was.
Yesterday when my husband had to take my emotions & fears and protect me from myself.
Yesterday when that same husband had to take our delivery plan and disburse it amongst 6 adults that we call our parents that I can't control.
Yesterday when I started the cycle of self-defeat as I stared at my son:
Can I be enough for you?
Can I do this again?
Can I do this differently then I did the first time?
Can I protect myself from the potential for post partum since depression was a struggle in my past?
Can I....I'm sobbing tonight
unable to breathe out of my nose from a collection of uncontrollable weeping.
Even as I cry and empty out my fear, I have worship music on because
I know
I KNOW:
this is a really bad moment
my feelings are not truths
that my doubts and fears are lies
but in this moment
I am feeling them with every ounce of raw human that I am.

I'm counting seconds toward a goodbye tonight.
Staring at my life as a series of lasts instead of a hopeful hello to a slew of new firsts.
I feel desperate, alone, broken hearted, & so....sad.

I am fighting to FEEL the truth I know:
"Let no one caught in sin remain/inside the lie of inward shame/[I] fix [my] eyes upon the cross /and run to Him who shows great Love" ~Matt Maher, Christ is Risen

Father- I surrender!

Competitive (Grand)Parenting

When my husband and I were first married, we tried to please everyone:

my two sets of parents and his one set.
For all of you who have been there, you know, it's impossible for two people to please 4 parents let alone six or more nowadays.
Each set of parents comes with their own way of doing things, their own priorities, & perhaps worst of all, their own expectations.Attempts at making all 6 parents happy in our young relationship lead to total craziness and discontent on our hearts.
We attempted Christmases that hit three houses all hours apart from each other (this meant a three ring circus!)
I begged to elope because I couldn't handle the idea of my four parents competitive say in what I wore, who walked me down the aisle, and how the wedding was done.
We ultimately went crazy...
then we had our son.

At the birth of our son we had two of my parents who didn't make it and then a hospital waiting room with my mom & his mom.
Not only was my son born but so was a new form of competitive parenting and the birth of competitive grandparenting.

Between a Portuguese man and a Norwegian girl, we all expected a little brown haired, brown eyed baby, but what we got was a beautiful strawberry blonde, blue eyed boy.
Enter: CRAZY.
All of a sudden we had parents saying things like,
"His upper lip looks just like [his paternal grandpa's]."
I'm SERIOUS.
This was ACTUALLY said.
Everyone wanted a piece of this little boy.

Well, this little boy got older and most recently, especially with the onset of our upcoming addition, there's NEW crazy.
Crazy like:
if one grandparent gets our son a toy, the other grandparent has to.
if i refer to my son by his first & middle name, one grandparent force feeds him his first and last name.
if one grandparent hears our son say he loves another grandparent, the grandparent says, "what about me?"

Annnnd this is officially NOT Okay and where I coined the term "Competitive Grandparenting."

Each of our parents carries their own insecurities.
Two parents are insecure about another set's love language of gifts.
Another set of grandparents are insecure about another set's love language of time.
and so on...
Each set of parents is vying for the central focused love of our son & this is where I say
"HAIL NO!"

Growing up in a divorced and severely dysfunctional set of parental relationships,
I KNOW what it's like to walk on eggshells and feel like you can't love one parent in front of another.
This will NOT be tolerated for our kids.
We will soon have 2 precious babes that have EVERY RIGHT to
love
honor
respect
cherish
value
each one of their grandparents inside and outside of their relationship to each one.
The insecurities of these adults will NOT be placed on our kids to
cater to
bandaid
or fear
Our kids deserve to
talk about how they love x, y, z in front of whoever they want
to be excited about a gift received by x, y, or z
to be a kid who is loved by x, y, & z.

It's one thing to competitive Parent a married set of adults--
that's something each married couple has to go through and establish individual relationships with.
It's quite another to competitive Grandparent and as a protective mama bird, completely unacceptable.
It's true, I have a heightened sensitivity to it as a product of my 4 parents,
but I think it has made me a more aware parent.

Oh, how in need of love and how broken we all are in one area or another...

All Tucked In...

Last night I got off of my side, out of my bed & broke the rules.

I broke them in the name of one little boy who needed his mommy--
my little boy.My little boy who's been this joyful light in my day.
My little boy who hasn't shown a sign of noticing Mommy hasn't been herself
other than his insatiable energy as loving hearts come in and entertain him while I can't.
Last night, he needed me
And I was there.

The curtains were drawn, his night light on, and the music gently bounced off of the walls that I pray over every night.
My little boy looked up at me and said,
"Don't want baby bruhder to come."
If a broken heart made a sound, you would have heard mine shatter to a crystal floor in that moment- clanking, shaking, crashing.
"Baby, you don't want baby brother?"
He quietly said, "Yes & No," and reached for my hand as he whimpered.

I let him feel his emotions and I took them in myself knowing he's allowed to feel like that but surprised he could...surprised he did.
A feeling like that, the ability to express it, seems so far past his tender three years to know.

"Mommy, you stay here til sun is out," he asked.
And I curled my growing tummy up next to him.
I shared his big boy bed with him as he pulled my arm around him and tucked my hand up under his chin.
"I love you, monkey," I whispered closely into his ear and brushed his sweaty hair from his forehead.

And I rested there, full of love & heavy heart, with my two boys.

Love's Mercy

Is help something that is hard for you to ask for?

It is for me.
I don't believe it's pride that makes it hard, I believe it's a mixture of not wanting to burden anyone & needing to stand on my own two feet.So what happened when I found I couldn't even stand on my own two feet?
I battle a stubborn desire to resist diagnosis & yet somehow force myself to surrender.

I am 33 weeks pregnant and recently I was put on total bed rest.
I have ONE goal: make it to July 14.
It's been a challenge to feel 100% mentally capable and yet know/feel my physical limitations.
So I lay in bed with my toddler at school and my husband at work and I rest.

I am at the mercy of those who love me & it's an overwhelming blessing to see the neighbor that delivers meals twice a week, the friends who volunteer to get our groceries, bring food, or help with our son and the family who shows up to put us first.
Somehow the baby's clothes are getting washed, the build out is getting completed, the office will eventually transform into the baby's room, the furniture is moving, the errands are getting run, we are all getting fed, the house is getting clean, & I am taking care of one little life who needs me more than anyone else does.
My husband is employee, business owner, construction worker, daddy, mommy, maid, & care giver.
And, he's those things with this smile, this joy, and this devotion that make me feel like I can surrender.

I can learn this thing called: rest.
I can find this thing called: stillness.
I can search this thing called: grace
I can be everything I need to be: at peace, in Him, in love, and in restful excitement for this brief moment before we welcome our new one home.
This baby will bring change and a new start to three people who can't imagine a different life from what we live but will soon not know how we lived without our new addition.

Off I go now to rest in a new peace caring for one and being cared for by all.

Thank you, Family & Friends.
THANK YOU!

How to Know When You're Ready for #2

I'm 10 weeks out from D-Day.

I'm pretty sure no one, including myself, really thought the day a #2 would be announced would ever really happen.

If you've been around this blog for any period of time, a common theme of mine has been my struggle with motherhood.

If this is your first time here, I should clarify- my struggle has never been with my son, it's

always been about me.

I think the odds are inevitably stacked against you if you

a) SURPRISE-got knocked up.

b) have no close circle friends with kids & you're the pioneer

c) will be a working mom when you don't want to be OR it's NEVER been done before in your family...as in, EVER

Mix those ingredients all together, and you get a...mess/disaster/self destructive catastrophe.

So, it appears I got over it, right?

I mean, I DID elect to shoot for the moon and add another one, right?!

I'm not sure I'm actually over any of the things that I struggled with the first go round but two things are different:

1: We planned this one (more accurately, we worked for this one).

2: I'm not the only one in the friend circle with a kid any more - I am just the only one going on #2 (crap)

How did I know I was ready?

I don't think I am ;)

We just knew that we wanted our son to have a sibling & we wanted our kids to be close in age.

There's a larger gap between #1 & #2 then we anticipated but, there's that little truth:

"We can make our plans, but the Lord determines our steps." Proverbs 16:9

Here's the difference between going from 0-1 then going from 1-2:

I'm not stupid this time.

I know what to expect in this rodeo & I know it ain't all magic & rainbows--

It's stitches, gauze panties, leaky boobs, sleepless nights, a whole lot of emotional break downs, & some damn good sweetness, too.

This time, there's a bit of apprehension:

crap: how do I divide in two (aside from physically, cuz I know how that one works!)? how will I get one kid to work with me and pick one up when my work day is done? how do I get in and out of a grocery store with a toddler & a newborn?

(Ok, now I have to stop putting the questions out here in the universe because I'm giving myself contractions.)

All this to say, for me, I don't think there ever IS a ready for #2.

There wasn't even a ready for #1.

It's just a choice, and you make it, and you do it.

You have your good moments & your bad ones.

You have your smiles & you have your tears.

I must say though, I am super excited to meet this little one!

I'm excited to finally have a name, to put the room together but I'm also taking the time to savor what's left of my time with my son.

Oh the journey....

Simply Thankful

I've been somewhere new lately.
A place that's just mine and a place that belongs to me but I'm here.
It's a place of choice and intention.
It's a place of battle and a place of peace.
It's a place of surrender and a state of grace.

Today I just find myself smiling about some largely little things
and I'm thankful.I unexpectedly have a preschooler.
In two weeks, who he IS has grown.
My son--my little boy--is growing and as he does, so do I.
His pride, his enthusiasm, his independence, his JOY for where he is and who he is able to see in himself is changing him!
I am THANKFUL that our decision to place him where he is has been confirmed.
I am THANKFUL that God took us from where we were sooner than expected--while it broke my heart, He had it orchestrated like a symphony.
Oh, if only I could truly paint the picture of how perfectly He planned it!
But I guess some things are for us to know alone in our walk with Him.

I am THANKFUL for his teacher!
She reassures me. She shows me how to treat him as a boy and not a baby.
What a gift to see someone see your own as a treasure to them as well!

I am THANKFUL for my husband's new journey.
His journey is one I am watching and wanting for myself.
How to be somewhere you know you should be?
I want that for me.

I am THANKFUL that I am HEARING HIS VOICE
and I am not willing to bury my head any more and hope to hear something different tomorrow.
I am THANKFUL He told me--clearly spoke to me--about parenting.
I am THANKFUL he has given me friends who have shown me what a blessing my family is.
I am THANKFUL I have a church that inspires me, feeds me, grows me even if I can't physically be there.
I'm THANKFUL for the willingness to make decisions that are for our son--for our family's future.
I am THANKFUL for PRAYER--oh my gosh, I am so thankful for prayer!
I am THANKFUL for Christian revolutionaries like Rick Warren, Joyce Meyer, & Stormie Omartian who feed me with truth--swords for the battle!
I am THANKFUL that He is at work in me and on my heart.

I am THANKFUL for unexpected hugs from a little boy I just met.
I am THANKFUL for a new friend who is so purely honest it reopened me.
I am THANKFUL for a friend who is simply there and always willing & waiting.
I am THANKFUL for the lies that are being dispelled by truth and the strength He is giving me to fight.

I am LOVED.
So very LOVED.
And for that--I am SO THANKFUL!

I am simply--THANKFUL

3

This year, I have an Easter Baby ;)My little man is turning 3.

I'm not quite sure where the time has gone, but for all of those long days, the years sure have been short!

This little tiny person changed everything about me (and still does).
He makes me vulnerable and makes me strong.
He makes me protective and he makes me independent.
He makes me smile and there are moments he makes me cry.

He's my personal paradox.

I see my weakness and I see my strength.
I feel my exhaustion and I live my enthusiasm.
I watch him and I see who he is and I heal the little girl that I was.

He is my challenge, my rescue, and he is my point of grace.

This Sunday when we celebrate that He Is Risen,
I will also celebrate the beauty that has come from my ashes,
I will celebrate my son.

Happy Birthday to my growing boy & Happy Easter to ALL!

24 Weeks

You know those women who just....GLOW....when they're pregnant?
The ones that never get sick, barely gain a pound, could run a marathon...
Yeahhh...that's not me.
I've officially decided
I'm a Show-er, NOT a Glower.

Although I may not shine and rock it like a petite, peppy, energetic little mama,
I'm SO grateful to be here and with this little one after our loss last year.

I may be that girl that is sick the entire pregnancy and barely gets through a work day.
I may be that prego that aches sooner than normal & waddles earlier than I should
Like I said...
I'm a show-er, NOT a glower
but I AM grateful, blessed, and cherishing this little life I feel moving every day!

While I may not have that physical glow, my heart sure shines insides :)

{photos by christanp photography}

Dear Son, Life is Changing....

Dear Son,

I know your world has been different lately.
I know in it, there have been blessings--like unlimited time with your Daddy.
I know we as your parents have been waiting to see where God would take us and while we waited on Him, you waited on us.
You looked to us for your safety, your security, your peace.
I know there were days I didn't give that to you.
Days I was too tired, to empty, or just in my space seeking Him.
Thank you for the smiles you gave us, the laughs you provided, the "look at me!'s" the "let me show you!'s" that pulled me out of where I was and challenged me to say YES to you and NO to the things I thought I should be focusing on.

Life is changing again.
We are so blessed that Daddy has a new job that he will start on Monday!
In the time you had with him, you talked more, your sense of humor grew with him, you learned more than I could have imagined.
I'd come home from work and there was my boy: going potty like a big boy, singing Twinkle Twinkle Little Star, and learning your ABCs.
In that time you had with him, the window of you being our one and only shrunk and mommy's heart started skipping beats....
how could I protect you from all this change you feel too fragile for?
Wait...
I think the fragile one is me.

I thought I knew where you would be going back to.
I thought you'd go back to your daycare and life would pick up as usual until August.
I can't protect you from that change, I can only prepare you.
In August you will become a big brother & start preschool.
Such amazing things!
Now that the unexpected news came that there's no space for you to return to the daycare you are use to (that I am use to), I feel like I have failed you.


You did not ask for two parents who worked.
You did not ask to become a Big Brother and lose our undivided attention.
But the truth is, those two things are not our parental failures (even though they feel that way).
They our are parental challenges and above all GIFTS to you.
You get to learn to play with others while we work to provide for our family.
You get to share your world with a sibling who will forever be in your life.
YOUR STORY IS NOT MINE.
You will have a relationship of love with your sibling because there won't be anyone dividing you and you will have a lifelong friend.

Every day as your mother, my love, I find ways that I want to love you more, give you a better world, protect you from evil, and I am challenged. I am challenged to remember that your time on this earth and with me is on loan.
Your story is not mine.
My experiences are not yours.
You deserve to be who YOU are and this will not be the last time I think my fears are yours, but I will try.
I will try to give you YOUR moments here.

Life is changing my, son.
I love you.