Admitting Need

Choice 1:

Admitting Need
"At the root [my] human tendency to do wrong is [my] desire to be in control." p.15
All I have ever wanted is control!!
The world around me constantly felt out of control.
I was angry and hurt and depressed.
When my parents divorced when I was 5, I lost all sense of normalcy.
They hated each other and I defined myself by that hate.
To control my chaos, I struggled with eating, I battled suicidal thoughts, I was a cutter, I chose violent relationships--
"[I] play[ed] God by trying to control [my] image, other people, [my] problems, and [my] pain."

"Why are we afraid to tell people who we are? The answer is, 'If I tell you who I really am and you don't like me, I'm in trouble-- because then I'm all I've got." pg. 16
So here I am.
I don't want to live in fear of who won't like me because in truth, what I need more than for you to like me is for me to love myself.

I have tried to control my pain but I have only postponed it throughout the years with different self medicated tools:
I want to run and travel. I have tried withdrawing into a hole and building a protective wall of depression around myself. I have been angry.
None of what I have done has worked because if it had, I'd be fixed, and I'm not.

I have to tell you something.
He Heals.
I have let Him heal parts of me, but now it's time for the rest of me that I was pretending didn't matter.
*
In December of 2004 I experienced my first miracle.
After an 8 year dependency on anti depressants, my friend asked me if I would receive healing prayer.
I had no idea what she was talking about but I was ready.
I had tried to break free and my body would have intense physical withdraws.
I knew, I could not do it alone.
As the church emptied out one Wednesday night, the hall became still.
With the hands of a pastor on my shoulders and my friends hands on my hands, the pastor asked me,
"Do you believe in God?"
"Yes," I told him feeling tears well up inside me.
"Do you believe He can heal you?"
"More than ever," I confessed

The pastor went on in prayer.
My friend prayed over me in tongues.
A wind gently came up from behind me and it pulled forward.
I knew, without a doubt, Jesus was there.
He had taken my dependency in that moment.
I did not have one withdraw symptom.
It was Christmas morning, seven days later, that I was positive there were no more drugs in my system and I was FREE and HEALED.
*
I am coming to God now with the issues deeper than I am even aware of.
I am coming to Him willing to work for the Healing I have been avoiding.
I am tired of the consequences that playing God in my life have created.
I am tired of the Fear, the Frustration, The Fatigue (my favorite sayings are, "I'm tired" and "I feel sick"), I am tired of Failure.
"You will never succeed in life if you try to hide your sins. Confess them and give them up; then God will show mercy to you." Proverbs 28:13

Here I am, admitting total weakness and desiring a humble heart for "the weaker I get, the stronger I become," 2 Corinthians 12:10

I often understood myself only for the vessel of pain I was.
Before 2004, I only knew who I was by the hurts I had.
As it turns out, while I am an entirely different person from 2004, 2009 shows me there is an even bigger leg of the journey to embark on.
Lord, I am ready.