"Fat Guy In A Little Coat"

Have you ever felt uncomfortable in your own body?

I mean, I am pretty sure most women routinely say,
"I feel fat"
to which their husbands roll their eyes and think
"I don't want to hear it!" and either say that or "Babe, you're not fat."
I mean, what are they supposed to say?
"I noticed. Why don't you go for a walk,"
Oh my, he better never say it though! EVER.

Have you ever felt SO out-of-the-ordinary-uncomfortable that despite the 99% odds that you can't get pregnant you still wonder if someone could possibly be wondering,
"is she or isn't she?"
I mean, have you ever gone so far as to take a pregnancy test to try to validate your unusual tummy growth?
Lets just pretend I did.
Despite the odds being in my favor that I wouldn't be
it'd be pretty freaking fabulous to learn I wasn't just fatter for no reason.
3 minutes later
a big fat
-
(that would be a negative. negatory. empty womb.)
Interesting, the reaction I had:
"PRAISE GOD! Wait, *$% Really?!"
There is ZERO part of me that wants to be pregnant.
There was 100% of me that wished I had a reason for the bulge.
So, you've done that right?!
No?
Oh...Ok, off to the gym...
or the car for a drive to the local Circle K for a Snickers.
(What?!)