NoNsEnSiCal ExpoSURE!

I think it's time to share a little bit more of me.

Perhaps a face to go with the words?
Perhaps some silly facts about the girl who writes this stuff?
So here ya go ;)
(By the way, I challenge you to try to think of 100 things about yourself that you can share. It's not that easy!! Actually, Tracy, I am tagging you. I want to know 100 things about you!!)

1. I was born in San Clemente, CA
2. I was in labor for 27.5 hours and an unsuccessful epidural experience
3. My favorite accessory is a scarf. Oh, hello Fall!
4. I listen to music to not only hear the melody, but I digest the lyrics.
5. I use to believe that I slept with my eyes open.
6. I once at a whole tub of butter--as a toddler.
7. My nickname is Legs--and not because they're nice ones.
8. I like to grow my hair out and chop it off.
9. I do NOT like when toe nails rub against me.
10. I typically eat everything on my plate except for one bite.
11. I love sweets--obsessively & compulsively.
12. I could eat breakfast for all three meals of the day.
13. I lived in Italy for one month in college.
14. My major was Women's studies after trying three others. It was the only one that I felt had the most challenging professors and really pushed me. I LOVED it!
15. My favorite color is pink. Sometimes I think I should change it because it's not unique.
16. I believe I'm judged by the paint on my toenails. Bare toes are NOT an option.
17. I do NOT like to exercise. I believe I should be naturally skinny and able to eat anything I want to. This is NOT reality.
18. I wish I could spend all of my pennies at Anthropologie but pennies don't buy anything there.
19. My dream house looks like a white beach cottage complete with sea grass outside, a white picket fence, and wood floors.
20. My favorite shoes are flats...I could have a room full of adorable flats!
21. My grandmother bribed me to stop biting my nails as a child with shopping sprees at South Coast Plaza. To this day, my nails grow out until they break.
22. My love language consists of gifts and words of encouragement.
23. I have a cat who's name is Lola.
24. I like to bake…especially with pink kitchen tools!
25. I know what I like in terms of decorating but I have NO IDEA how to make it happen or put it together in my own house.
26. I love to save money: a good sale, a coupon, a discount…I'm not picky,
27. I played volleyball in high school.
28. I was in Gottschalks with my mom when OJ was fleeing police and we watched it LIVE in the media center.
29. My mom woke me up when Princess Diana died and we watched the news together.
30. I lived across the street from my elementary school and if I yelled loud enough my mom would bring me popsicles.
31. I use to raise sheep with my friend in 4-H.
32. I am not good at doing my own hair.
33. I love baths and one day I'll own one I'm not disgusted by.
34. I am very spontaneous and love romantic gestures.
35. My first job was as a maid at a local hotel.
36. I once knew everything there was to know about Jonathan Taylor Thomas.
37. I like to put my feet on the dashboard when the hus drives but it makes him nervous.
38. I adore purses!
39. I would like to own more shoes than I have. Red heels, green heels, and new work out shoes are on my list.
40. I would like to raise my kids for part of their life abroad. I want them to experience more of the world than just the US.
41. I once wanted to live in Vermont just because Ben & Jerry's was born there and original Scrabble pieces were made from Vermont maple.
42. My dream vacation is to go to NY to see a Broadway show and get iced hot chocolate at Serendipity.
43. I HATE frogs!
44. My parents white suburban was stolen twice from the save driveway and returned both times.
45. I wear a name tag at work.
46. I am a huge wine fan!
47. I don't like to talk on the phone but I do like e-mails.
48. Photography is a fun hobby I share with my husband.
49. I like unique names for my unborn children.
50. My husband proposed to me by writing me a song and sang it to me on the beach where we had our very first kiss.
51. I love to sing.
52. I enjoy reading but don't trust myself to pick out a book. It must be recommended by a friend.
53. I have a very hard time asking for help. I'd rather carry eight boxes and try opening the door myself.
54. I would love to own my own stationary company. Problem is, I can envision things, but I can't necessarily create what I envision.
55. I have to sleep with my eyes covered.
56. I'm addicted to reading the blogs of others...especially photography blogs!
57. I use to require 1 Diet Cherry Pepsi each morning. I'm now caffeine free! Sodas AND coffee!!
58. My dream wedding would have been the smallest group of friends and family possible on the beach where we were engaged.
59. I want to go to Italy with my husband some day soon.
60. I am extremely stubborn and it's hard to break myself of the habit.
61. I saw a psychic once and I felt the presence of evil.
62. My favorite grocery store is Trader Joes! Makes me feel like a successful housewife!
63. My cousins are some of the most precious people I know and I love them!
64. I like to play scrabble with my family.
65. I am a backseat driver.
66. I wish I could be a travel writer.
67. My favorite holiday is Christmas. I have so many amazing traditions in my family. Everything about Christmas is amazing.
68. I would like to go on a missions trip to Africa.
69. My first car was a 1984 Turbo Diesel Mercedes. It was amazing!
70. I am NOT a morning person!
71. I have a sensory issue when it comes to things I touch. I don't like reading certain books if the paper feels icky and I don't like having dirty hands.
72. I would like to build something. Can I do it without getting dirty?
73. I think painting an apartment I live in would be a waste of time and money although it would be nice and more home like.
74. I am a people pleaser to a fault.
75. My favorite place in California is Monterey.
76. I pee with the bathroom door open.
77. When we go out to eat, we split a meal to conserve our caloric intake.
78. I tend to think of someone hours before they call or write me. I've also been good at predicting pregnancies lately.
79. The top three things I would like to buy right now are: a new wardrobe, hair extensions, and a laugh transplant.
80. I would love to learn how to cook like my cousins.
81. Our family goal is to be self-employed.
82. I really do think Disneyland is the happiest place on earth....until the kids are crying and the teenagers are making out in front of me.
83. I come up with really geeky slogans that marketing people would eat up.
84. I do NOT like Chinese food.
85. Sushi is one of my favorite meals. Crunch roll & Spicy Tuna!
86. Prepackaged sandwich meat tends to gross me out--especially with the red dots in there.
87. The only socks I wear are ankle socks.
88. Once upon a time, I enjoyed painting.
89. I use to collect Muffy Bears. (You'll have to look that up, but there are some classics.)
90. I love the idea of scapbooks but I don't have the time or space for them. My goal is to digital scrapbook soon.
94. I use to have my nose and my belly button pierced.
95. I like indie music and searching for new artistis.
96. I went to college at Saint Mary's in Moraga, Ca.
97. I LOVE LOVE LOVE candles! The hus made me stop buying them and I've almost burned through all the ones I own. He is afraid of them--afraid I'll burn the house down.
98. My grandma taught me how to knit but I don't remember how to do it.
99. I use to have a blanky called Gee Gee (hard g) and a matching pillow I called Sucky.
100. I like to sleep with my feet hanging off the edge of the bed or close to it.

Go Bananas!

It's a cool night here tonight.
So cool it has made the monstrous portable AC unit we purchased a few weeks ago seem ludicrous.
I was productive in my Tuesday-Eve.
I conquered errands
(including scoring a rush alteration job on the bridesmaid dress for $25 which is divine considering I'm now avoiding flashing a church full of guests who really only care about the Bride. Far be it for me--or my boobs--to steal the lime light!)
I didn't make dinner but I ate the one someone made for me--perfection!
I did two loads of laundry, hand washed the dishes, took out the garbage..
(all the things I sort of need excessive thanks for ;)
but most importantly....
oh yes---most importantly
I made Banana Bread!
(Tonight as the house filled up with the smell, I couldn't help but wonder is there a Banana Bread Candle? Tricia?)

So in case you're feeling like warming your heart, home, and belly
(and completely disregarding good caloric behavior)
here's my all time favorite recipe:I personally prefer it when it's cold from the fridge....

Ingredients
2 Cups Granulated Sugar
1 Cup Butter
6 Ripe Bananas, Mashed
4 Eggs, well beaten
2 1/2 Cups Flour
1 TSP Salt
2 TSP Baking soda

Directions
1. In a large bowl cream together the sugar and butter until fluffy.

2. Add bananas and eggs, blend.

3. Sift together the flour, salt, and baking soda.

4.Carefully blend the flour mixture into the banana mixture.

5. Pour the batter into 2 greased 9x5x3 inch loaf pans

6. Bake in a pre-heated 350 oven for 50-55 minutes.

7. Cool for 10 minutes.

8. Remove the loaves from the pans and cool completely on racks before serving.

*Remember-testing the bread with a toothpick won't necessarily b e accurate due to the bananas.

10 Facts About My Tuesday....

1. I think all coffee cups should wear sweaters like this!

2. I found a half eaten Snickers in my desk. It was a great snack at 8:53 am.

3. It looks like I will remain employed. Yesterday, during a small and informal ceremony, I was given my 5th year of service pin to add to my nametag. Yes, I work in a corporate office and I wear a name tag.

4. I keep thinking about a little wedding I get to go to this weekend with a special bride and a beautiful bridesmaid dress I get to wear. (A dress I stupidly didn't try on until last night out of sheer fear I wouldn't fit in it and now realize there's no time to alter it. Hope everyone likes the boob show!)

5. Every morning the hus calls me on his way to drop the midge off at daycare/school. Today I heard the midge's voice in the background singing a song, "down, down, down." I love that daily call.

6. I get to pick up Vegetarian Chili and Corn Bread from my friend Grace today. She makes meals twice a week for people to purchase. My mom blessed us with a September FULL of Grace's meals. I got really lazy in the kitchen and I don't know if I can go back.....don't.make.me!!!

7. I came up with a craft project in my head today but I'm not sure how to implement it or when I could even try doing it.

8. I am mentally planning my 2010 girls time with my cousin Tracy for the Farm Chicks Show. I'm dying to know who else is planning on going?!

9. I am wearing new purple flats that I bought at Target thanks to the inspiration of Jill at a Pocket Full of Posies. I see some accessories I need in my near future to go WITH them!!

10. I would truly love to eat a box of cookies right now but alas, I'd just regret it!!

Admitting Need

Choice 1:

Admitting Need
"At the root [my] human tendency to do wrong is [my] desire to be in control." p.15
All I have ever wanted is control!!
The world around me constantly felt out of control.
I was angry and hurt and depressed.
When my parents divorced when I was 5, I lost all sense of normalcy.
They hated each other and I defined myself by that hate.
To control my chaos, I struggled with eating, I battled suicidal thoughts, I was a cutter, I chose violent relationships--
"[I] play[ed] God by trying to control [my] image, other people, [my] problems, and [my] pain."

"Why are we afraid to tell people who we are? The answer is, 'If I tell you who I really am and you don't like me, I'm in trouble-- because then I'm all I've got." pg. 16
So here I am.
I don't want to live in fear of who won't like me because in truth, what I need more than for you to like me is for me to love myself.

I have tried to control my pain but I have only postponed it throughout the years with different self medicated tools:
I want to run and travel. I have tried withdrawing into a hole and building a protective wall of depression around myself. I have been angry.
None of what I have done has worked because if it had, I'd be fixed, and I'm not.

I have to tell you something.
He Heals.
I have let Him heal parts of me, but now it's time for the rest of me that I was pretending didn't matter.
*
In December of 2004 I experienced my first miracle.
After an 8 year dependency on anti depressants, my friend asked me if I would receive healing prayer.
I had no idea what she was talking about but I was ready.
I had tried to break free and my body would have intense physical withdraws.
I knew, I could not do it alone.
As the church emptied out one Wednesday night, the hall became still.
With the hands of a pastor on my shoulders and my friends hands on my hands, the pastor asked me,
"Do you believe in God?"
"Yes," I told him feeling tears well up inside me.
"Do you believe He can heal you?"
"More than ever," I confessed

The pastor went on in prayer.
My friend prayed over me in tongues.
A wind gently came up from behind me and it pulled forward.
I knew, without a doubt, Jesus was there.
He had taken my dependency in that moment.
I did not have one withdraw symptom.
It was Christmas morning, seven days later, that I was positive there were no more drugs in my system and I was FREE and HEALED.
*
I am coming to God now with the issues deeper than I am even aware of.
I am coming to Him willing to work for the Healing I have been avoiding.
I am tired of the consequences that playing God in my life have created.
I am tired of the Fear, the Frustration, The Fatigue (my favorite sayings are, "I'm tired" and "I feel sick"), I am tired of Failure.
"You will never succeed in life if you try to hide your sins. Confess them and give them up; then God will show mercy to you." Proverbs 28:13

Here I am, admitting total weakness and desiring a humble heart for "the weaker I get, the stronger I become," 2 Corinthians 12:10

I often understood myself only for the vessel of pain I was.
Before 2004, I only knew who I was by the hurts I had.
As it turns out, while I am an entirely different person from 2004, 2009 shows me there is an even bigger leg of the journey to embark on.
Lord, I am ready.

Life's Healing Choices

I have begun a long journey and I want you to join me.

This journey promises healing and healing is exactly what I need.I have begun a study on a book called "Life's Healing Choices: Freedom from Your Hurts, Hang-Ups, and Habits" by John Baker.
Hurts? I've got a basement full.
Hang-Ups? I've got plenty.
Habits? Too many too count.

"Happiness is a choice--and you can choose it one choice at a time:
Choice 1
Admitting Need
The Reality choice

Choice 2
Getting Help
The Hope Choice

Choice 3
Letting Go
The Commitment Choice

Choice 4
Coming Clean
The Housecleaning Choice

Choice 5
Making Changes
The Transformation Choice

Choice 6
Repairing Relationships
The Relationship Choice

Choice 7
Maintaining Momentum
The Maintenance Choice

Choice 8
Recycling Pain
The Sharing Choice

Regardless of what you are struggling with--whether it's emotional, financial, relational, spiritual, or sexual--the principals that lead to happiness and healing are always the same, and the choice is always yours."

I have made the first choice.
I have Admitted Need
I realize I'm not God
I admit that I am powerless to control my tendency to do the wrong thing and that my life is unmanageable.

The consequences of playing God have brought me
Fear
Frustration
Fatigue
&
Failure

I admit my weakness.
I admit that I am powerless to change my past
I admit that I am powerless to control other people
I admit that I am powerless to cope with my harmful habits, behaviors, and actions.

I am on a journey....
I crave healing.
I desire His best in my life.
I can't be my own God anymore.
I know Him, I love Him, I need to trust Him.
I have made 1 choice.
I have 7 choices to go.
I will recover.
I will be victorious.
I will be free in Him.

image here

five

a little piece of fiction

I was asked once, “If you could go back and do it over again from any age, what age would you choose.”
There was only one answer, but not one that fit the rules of the question.
There are many nights when I can’t sleep. I lay awake tossing and turning, the only thing that soothes me is writing myself into a slumber. In my head, my story always starts the same…

***

There was silence in the house as all were gone but as I sat still, there was the hum of a sweet song. I wondered whether or not the sounds were in my heart or in this world at present, for the song was familiar but the sound of innocence was not. I quietly tip-toed in and out of lonely rooms where lives of happy children once lived. I shifted through the cobwebs and dust but became still when the song became louder. She was here. I just had to find her.
I stared in the mirrored glass. How old I had become. The lines around my eyes had stunned me. Where had the time gone? As I questioned my reflection, the image of myself shook and slid away. Behind my reflection, she was there. The little girl that was left behind sat still, sat smiling, just humming her song. I knelt down slowly, not wishing to startle her, but she seemed to have been expecting me.

“Hi,” the little voice proclaimed with a bright smile.


I paused and stared. How perfect she was. How innocent and happy. I would never have known if I hadn’t been told. I had waited to long to speak,

“Hi. Who are you?” she said as she reached out to touch my knee.

“Oh, hi. I’m sorry. I’m, well, I’m just someone who’s been looking for you,” I told her.

“Oh good,” she breathed out in exaggeration, “I’ve been wondering who was going to find me! I’ve been waiting for quite some time, you know!”

I laughed as I told her, “I bet you have been! I’ve found you though. Before you come, out, sweet girl, I just want you to know it’s all going to be okay.”

She didn’t question me, she only replied, “Ok,” and took my hand as she crawled out.

***

I would go back to when I was five. I would reach through. I would not live it over, but I would live it with the little girl who watched it all leave before she had the chance to say goodbye. I would tell her it would be ok, that none of it was about her, that she was loved despite what she would hear. I would tell her that all of this was about them, I would let her cry because she fell not because she was pushed. I would make her deaf to the violence that would try to rob her soul. I would blind her from the lies that would disguise themselves as truth. I would be her pill, I would be her razor, I would be her sustenance. I would be all she would try to hurt herself with. I would be her heart, her love, her faith.

Five.

Five is the age I would go back to.

Pumpkins & Play

I just had the best Friday with my Midge!
It was actually my favorite day as a Mommy to date.After the Hus left for work, the little one and I headed out to my favorite local spot for some pumpkins and play time.
For the first time (pathetic I know) I let him just run around.
I let him get dirty.
I let myself sit and watch him do whatever he wanted to do
(until it included throwing the little pumpkins like they were balls.)
He stuck his hands in the hay...

He filled his trick-or-treat bucket with hay and dumped it all over his head.

He went through the kiddie hay maze...

and made it out all by himself.

He spun in circles in the dirt and played peek-a-boo with the chairs.

Before I knew it, the tourists were swarming our spot and we had been playing together for 2 hours. I left there with a dirty, happy boy in tow feeling like, "This Mom stuff is SO wonderful!" I had to make the decisions to let the house work go, to let the chores escape from my mind. I had to choose him and it was an awesome choice.

So not only did I have a good Mommy day, I really had fun during his nap time!
I have seen so many Fall projects on so many of your blogs that I have been MORE than a little inspired.
So...I did a few.
Oh it felt good to have a little creative fun again!

Happy Weekend, Happy Crafting, Happy Mom-ing, Happy Fall!!

Marital Health Day

In elementary school, there would be days I'd want to play hookey and my mom would let me.
She called these days, "mental health days."
For the days we stayed home though, no TV was allowed and it was just time to emotionally and spiritually recover
(elementary school is rough, ladies!)
With the Hus working 2 full time jobs and me with my 1 full time job + wife + lil' etsy store...
it's a lot.
Yesterday I just realized we have been like two roommates who share a home and a kid.
We're both working toward the same goal: freedom from working for the man
but it means a lot of sacrifice now.
Well, today we took a "Marital Health Day" and called in "run down" at work.
(If you're bored--stay tuned, the ending of this lil' ditty is good!)
.....
Ahhhh, we both sighed as we sat in silence with the Midge off at daycare/school.
What shall we do?!
Lets get away!
Wine taste? Picnic? Book store + Coffee?

Too classy? Ok, we shall go beer tasting in a town 30 minutes away so we will not get caught by anyone we know and we can giggle and love like newlyweds!

Line em' up. We're ready for some good conversation and some fun new beers!
Oh, and we shall require two orders of fried and greasy food with our beer, thank you!

Our day was went along swimmingly.
We were content and free and connected
HOLD UP! WAIT A MINUTE! PUT A LITTLE SPICE IN IT!
here comes the good stuff...
"Honey, lets take a drive to Target!"
(Little luxury for us)
"But FIRST lets go to Pier 1 Imports!"
La-dee-dah...what beautiful things...I should go look at more!
As I casually turned around my internal alarm went off as I saw two familiar faces...
The faces of my bosses!
I called in "sick" today! I am SO busted!
What do I do?! Where do I GO?!
The bathroom!!!
I locked myself in the bathroom at Pier 1 Imports because I just can't stop running into my favorite people these days!!
How did I end up on my "Marital Health Day" in a store, 30 minutes out of town, with my bosses?!
15 minutes later, the Husband gave me the clearance---coast was clear and I think I went unnoticed?!
Peaceful day with my Hus with one SERIOUS Adrenaline rush!

In the end, look how happy having today alone with my man made me!!
All of this alone time and conversation (and tasty beer!) has made my mood Very Happy!!
The proof is in the mood ring~ Ka Ching!

Salon-Ex

There are a few things I could just indulge in on a weekly basis.

Going to the salon is one of them.
I love having my hair washed, the opportunity to read trashy gossip magazines, and eat the free candy by the hair dryers.
I have gone to the same hair dresser since I was ten.
Sure, I cheated on her throughout the years but thankfully, she always took me back.
In my wise age, I know now that I could never leave her and there isn't anything that would even make me consider it.
....
Scratch that
....
there is ONE thing that would make me reconsider it
RUNNING TO MY HUSBAND'S EX DURING MY HAIR APPOINTMENTS.
Does she work at the salon?
Nope.
Does she just so happen to make appointments with her recently transferred over hair dresser at the same time I have mine or my son has his?
YES.
Actually, the first time I saw her in real life was at the salon.
I sorta wanted to throw up.
I went into that zone...that girl zone
"She's so pretty! She's so skinny! She's soooo...."
The only sane thing to do at that point is start texting...
texting the best friend and the husband and your mom and twitter about it and then facebook about it...
Ok, I didn't go that far.
I just texted one of the nearest and dearest and the husband.
My favorite part about running into her:
Seeing her after I had shown up late to work so I had to bypass make up & then sat at my desk for 7 hours eating my feelings.
N-O-T a good combo.
HOWEVER
the redeeming side is how much HER hair dresser kept talking about how cute my son was as we sat NEXT to each other for 20 minutes.
I couldn't help but smile and think...
"Thanks for cheating on my now husband. You really missed out on the good life."
And all self focused ranting aside,
I think I brought home a different kid with the big hair cut!
We may have cut off the sweetness 'cuz suddenly he grew an attitude when the hair shrunk!
Oh, but he's too cute!

Queen of Hearts

As the cries faded out and silence swirled around me, I sat and took it all in. The silence overwhelmed me as my mind got louder. I turned on the music and I allowed my mind to lose itself.

Memories flashed through my heart like a deck of cards. Finding out I would be a mother, words I never thought I’d say, choosing bedding patterns, dreaming of this little life, researching the safety and quality of products because my child would have the best, needing to sell my car and requiring something more secure, his long and painful arrival, the first night I was alone with him, the first diaper I changed, the weight I carried longer than I wanted, the pains of providing sustenance, the ache of healing, the burden of self division into wife, self, & mommy, the desire to be the old friend I was, the wish I had the old life I did, the need to be everything to this one little person, the clothes that would be best, the diapers that were the most expensive, the immunizations, the months that passed and were marked individually with a photo session, the return to work, the goodbyes as his daily care belonged to someone else, the plans for a first birthday party, the money we’ve put aside for him each month, our dreams….

It’s endless. This desire to give him the world and the fight to make sure he isn’t all of mine. I cut pieces of myself off and put them away waiting for the moments to come. He will talk. He will be left out. He will love. He will have his heart broken. He will hurt. He will say, “I do.” He will…so many things that he will.
While I shuffled through the masses, the Queen of Hearts came up and faced me. We sat and had a talk and here she told me, “Stop making it about you.”

I battled her not believing what she was telling me, “How can this be about me? Not a foot of this road has been about me.”

“Sweet child,” she said with her head bowed, “It’s all about you.”

My heart expanded as the truth swirled within it. I could hardly breathe as the truth grew. It has been about me.

It has been about my sacrifice, my dream, my aches, my growing pains. It has been about my fear that the patterns of the pac n’ play and stroller didn’t match. It has been about how he would remember me when his first years weren’t spent at a park with his mother. It was about how I wouldn’t be able to tell him that I was there and a witness to it all. It was about how I would redeem my hurts through his life that was of me and from me.

She saw my face as it crumbled under the weight of the tears I’d stored deep within and she soothed me, “Sweet girl, your boy only needs your love. He needs you to hug him, to embrace him wholey, to let him grow in the safety of your imperfectly perfect love. Let go, give in, lose control.”

I loosened my grip and as the cards fell I swiftly said a prayer, “Lord, take it from me. Let me lose it all in you for if I don’t I will lose it all. Make it less about me and all about You. I just can’t make it like this another moment.”

The Queen retreated to her deck and I was left in candlelight to conquer this deep mothering fear that I would fail him and myself.

Release.
Be free.
Love and let it be.

And with the last of my deep heavy sighs I stole the life from the flickering light in the darkened room and to sleep I fell.

image from flowers & machinery

I'm Grateful for Tricycles

Today I am thankful for Friends.

I mean, genuine, deep, love-you-as-you-are Friends.
I don't seem to have too many of those.
As it turns out, I tend to attract dominant, choose-what-will-make-me-happy people.
A true friend will be your friend no matter how much distance is between you.
A genuine friend will tell you to pursue your dreams, even if your dreams are different from theirs.
A deep friend tells you when to snap out of it and when to let you cry a little bit longer.
I need all types of friends.
I need the friends who are right where I am, the friends who are ten years ahead in experience, and the ones who are just behind me.
Yes, I do. I need them all.

So today, I want to introduce you to one of my sweet friend that you haven't met,
Kaydence.
Kaydence is this powerfully sweet woman with a hug that will smother you in goodness, a smile that will make it all right, and a heart that is strong.
Not to make it sound like a plague, but Kaydence is my single friend...
my single friend that I just cannot understand WHY she is single.
(still love me for saying that?!)
If you could meet her, you would know what I'm talking about.
The woman is this love out loud lady that just makes it right.
Her passion for the Lord is contagious and she's walked me right back to Him when I'm so upset I've melted away.

Kaydence recently started a secret blog
(sound familiar?)
She needed a place to peddle away from judgement and run right into support on her little bike.
Well here she is and you just have to get to know her!
The Third Wheel: My Life As A Tricycle
will just make you giggle and want to set her up with the next decent man you meet!

I'm grateful for you Kaydence.
You make it all right in my heart!

image found here

Habitude Graditude

On Saturday, I had the chance to grab pizza and a brew with my 'rents and the midge.

While the hus was out working another wedding, I just ate and drank
('cause Mom-ing is that easy! ;)
There's something I love about my Dad...how simple he is and how happy he is.
Every time I see him I can expect a quick quiz of "What's 8x3" because, despite the fact that I'm not in the fourth grade anymore, I'm still his little girl.
He only wears the color blue, waters the lawn because it's relaxing, and won't eat anything that's remotely outside of a cheeseburger or Campbell's soup.
That's just him.
Despite the fact that he is the District Attorney and sees ugly every day,
he always smiles, never yells, and I can always count on him for a cheesy joke.The point is, I have a lot to learn form him.
As he asked me to catch him up on work
(Which by the way is not going well. My company has hit the cut back phase and for 4 weeks now, I've been on pins and needles waiting for the cut myself--)
and he stared at his grandson sneaking him sips of Sprite,
he just simply said,
"I was listening to a Christan radio show and you know what? It was about happiness. The more you focus on the things to be grateful for, the more grateful you'll be. So, think about the happy stuff. I mean, your other option is think about the ugly stuff and you'll just be miserable."
He's right.
He got me thinking.

I sure have been moaning a lot lately--err,um--complaining/moaning a lot
and yah, I need to get it off my chest, but I've been just stewing in it.

So, I'm giving myself a simple challenge.
"They" say that it takes doing something only 7 times for it to become a habit
(I have no idea where I heard that, but I swear it was only 7 times)
so I am going to celebrate the things I am grateful for, for the next 7 days.
We'll start with my weekend.
This weekend, I am grateful...
For my husband's ability to juggle 2 full time jobs and still smile when he comes home.
For "rollie poley" Saturday Mornings ( the hus' special pancakes)
For good conversation and a free meal with my parents!
For technology and having a video chat game night with our friends who live too far away!
That someone trusted my etsy partner and I to complete their wedding invitations (it is always such an honor!)
For my little boy who reaches up to give me kisses, pulls me down to sit in my lap, and who tries new signs every day (we do sign language with him).

What is something you are grateful for from your weekend?
(Shouldn't a Monday always start with an ounce of something happy?! :)

Awarded HONEST SCRAP

Today I got a very touching award from my sweet friend, Lissa at Humble Pie. Thank you, Lissa :) I am so touched! Your friendship is a safe haven and so encouraging to me!
So here's what I'm supposed to do:

1.) Say thanks and give a link to the presenter of the award.

2.) Share "10 Honest Things" about myself.

3.) Present this award to 7 others whose blogs I find brilliant in content and/or design, or those who have encouraged me.

4.) Tell those 7 people they've been awarded HONEST SCRAP and inform them of these guidelines in receiving the award.

Ok, here we Go...
10 Honest Things About Me:1. I love breakfast and could eat it for any meal.
However, while I love bananas and I love pancakes, I do not like banana pancakes.

2. I use to have a massively obsessive crush on Jonathan Taylor Thomas.
I recently found a ruler at my mom's house that had A.Thomas written on it.
Interestingly enough, Thomas isn't even his real last name, he loves Feta cheese, and had a cat named Simba.
(Well, all of those were true back in 1990 anyway according to BOP)

3. I started college as a Business Administration major and ended up as a graduate of Women's Studies.
I got a lot of crap for that, but I was so inspired by my professors and my classes.
I may not be an extreme feminist, but feminism will always be a part of me.

4. My favorite TV shows include: Brothers & Sisters, So You Think You Can Dance, and Veronica Mars.
Other TV shows I like are: Friends, Dirty Sexy Money, Burn Notice.
We don't have cable, we depend on Netflix.

5. If I could have a vacation home (ok, 2 vacation homes) I'd want on on Newport, Rhode Island and the other in Bologna, Italy.

6. I raised sheep in 4-H.
I cannot eat lamb.
Try going to Greece and managing that one!

7. I want to spend 1 year of the midge's life when he's older traveling around the US in an RV home schooling him.
I want him to SEE US history and give him interactive education with experience.

8. I don't drink caffeine.
I gave it up before I became pregnant.
I realized at 2 diet pepsi's a morning before 8am was a gross addiction.

9. If I could change anything about myself, I would get a laugh transplant.
(and get braces on my bottom teeth and be immune to weight gain)

10. I could have a pedicure, a Raspberry Salad, and a date with wine + candle light once a week and always appreciate it with extreme gratitude.

Alrighty, so now I have to give the award to 7 ladies...
I can actually only repeat most the ladies that Lissa already awarded but I just can't help it...
we run in the same circle and I love it!

Tracy
Kasey
Tara
Lulu
Maisy
Jeanne
Nora

You ladies have supported me since the beginning of my emergence, You've followed me on my new path, and You've been my friends! Thank you for your honesty and openness and giving me the freedom to share mine!

panty raid!

Today I had a little helper with the laundry.It can't be that weird to have your toddler handing you your thongs, right?

(He also handed me my bra this morning when I was getting dressed. It was at this point that I officially acknowledged: he knows more than I think he does)
HAPPY WEEKEND, ALL!
May your underwear be handed to you by more than just your kids.

dream trippin'

in order to survive...to keep pushing through....
dreaming is entirely necessary.
i live in a day dream world of all the places i want to be
all the places i want to go.

i have a gypsy spirit with first class taste and a babysitter's budget.

i have been spoiled beyond words to see so many parts of the world.

during my collegiate years I lived in Italy for a short time
and spent one month traveling Greece.
i picked fresh produce every day, i danced in discotecs, and smoked in snowy streets.

in high school i was able to go to australia, new zealand, norway, and london.
i held koalas, watched the sun never set, and ate waffles in the middle of fjords.

in different circumstances, i visited Singapore served in Thailand, and learned love in Peru.
i saw catastrophic devastation, poured cement in a Muslim village, and played carnival games in a barrio.

i have boarded boats, flown in planes, and ridden trains.

THIS is the life I crave.a life of endless adventure, constant growth from foreign challenge, and the fresh air of somewhere new.

while some travel may have to wait
& while some dreams take time
i can plan some things with the passionate belief that not all things should be postponed--
today i plan not for 18 years from now,
not for a first class excursion in europe,
not for a sundrenched beach with a corona...
I Dream of A West Coast Road Trip.

In February I plan on getting in the car with my true love
and driving.
Driving through Oregon to Seattle with no official plan but just to BE.
I think this will be just what we need.

if i can't dream today, i won't see tomorrow.
images from here
and see more here

SCREAM to be FREE

As the tears pooled in my eyes and my chest burned with rage, I was faced with this familiar and strange pain again.

This blog was conceived in a moment of recognition that I could do something great for me and it was born from a moment of force.

All I have ever had are words. In the moments of my youth when all I could think about was ways to leave this life, I could bring a new pencil to a stub. In the moments when I needed to celebrate or deflate the anger, I could find paper. It was stripped from me once half a lifetime ago and again only weeks ago. My old space, christanandallegra, swelled with bitterness. I found passive aggressive ways to break the injury down, and I decided that was not who I want to be. I made the choice to move forward, to better myself, to reclaim what had attempted to be robbed from me. I chose to return myself back to me and here I fell.
I am in the thick of something awkward, something foreign, something I am being told to wait in and work it out within. I'm battling this desire to SCREAM obscenities at those I feel robbed me. I am in a war with Goliath and determined to be David.

This morning my husband and I had a misunderstanding. I moved to make my old blog private, I moved without asking him. I was conflicted and confused as to why he would care. I was able to step back and see the by not communicating with him, I was leaving him without a shield for the inevitable battle. He would receive a call that would question why I had closed the door, why I had shut family out and he would have no idea what they were talking about. While I boiled with rage, he was able to tell me, "I want to know whats going on so these things are our decisions. When we aren't on the same page, that's when family sees us as divided and gives them room to exaggerate their imagination."

He was right. It just didn't take my anger away. WHY had I done this to my husband. WHY had my freedom, my expression become a tool to torment him? WHY had I let them make me run?

But I am standing and I am walking through this awkward fire in a new home. I want to run but I am being told to Be Still. I am having all sorts of ugliness thrown in my face to weaken me, to defeat me but I am fighting for stillness and being forced to depend on His protection. I am being taught to appropriately protect, appropriately harden my heart and my self.
I know I have complained a lot this week about being a mom, but as I choke up right now, I have to tell you, in releasing it freely I have held my son and talked to him and loved him with so much freedom. I've felt FREE to love him. He isn't this mirror of my imperfection, he is this vision of the best of me. Without being totally free to cry it out on my mountaintop here, I would be bogged down with this defeat that has nothing to do with him and everything to do with me. My freedom here has given me back pure love and reckless abandon to smother my son with a mother who is released of burden.

Do I thank those that ran me off? Internally. Do I continue on in hiding? For now. I hate the heartache of this indescribably lonely and painful walk but the truth is, He is so present for me right now because I have been pushed into Him. I run to him and fall in His arms and He just picks me up when I am broken and allow myself to hear him. I don't listen or try as hard to be with Him when I am ok.
So I fall here. I admit that this moment is so unbelievably miserable, but I commit to fight for the heart He wants me to have. I am broken but becoming so FREE!
all images here