Sunday, September 12, 2010

Creating Reasons

I have wanted something for awhile. I have wanted it since I lost it--but it hasn't come to me. Lately, it's been hard. Suddenly, I can't keep the feelings on the inside...because I think they might be breaking me.
I know I'm not the first to go through it but that doesn't change how I feel about it. I know some people can go through it and move right on. I know some women can survive it and find success if they just keep trying. I know there are others who feel like me: confused, questioning... Lately, I am admitting I am sad, I am seeking answers, I work to surrender it, and then there are moments that I try to self diagnose, I attempt to move on by creating a reason for why it is the way it is.

I know I've been crypitic--the truth is, today it's hard to see the word: miscarriage. My eyes well up when I think back on December 23, 2009 and I crumble a little.

I woke up this morning thinking about a shirt that is tucked away in a drawer and I can't shake it from my heart today. It's a shirt that probably doesn't fit the son I have now. It's a shirt that I can't pick up, I can't unwrap, and I can't get rid of. (breaking down for a second. give me a minute....)
The shirt says "Big Bro." I think of it and I remember how I told my husband we would be having another baby, I remember the shock on his face, I remember how excited I was--how different it felt to find out this time, to wonder how we'd keep it a secret so we could tell all of our family on Christmas morning...we wouldn't say a word, we'd just have our midget walk in with his shirt on and see who noticed. We printed cards that we were going to send out that announced the stork was coming again.
We never got to do those things. No one got to share in the excitement I had except for my boss, a friend, and us. We lost the baby on what is traditionally my family's Christmas eve and I went numb. I couldn't tell anyone, I didn't want anyone to know, I felt so broken. There was nothing I could do it make it stop, there was no way to save this little life I loved and I felt like I had failed as a mom and as a wife, afterall, it was my job to protect my child(ren) but all I could do was watch and feel my failure until a final blood test would say, "it's done."

So I woke up thinking about a shirt that has probably now outgrown my son, a shirt that had a message of excitement and hope and a shirt that turned into a painful reminder. I saved it thinking, "We'll still need this. He'll still wear this," but now I am not sure. Now I don't know but it wasn't until this morning that the actual shirt's fate and it's reality struck me. I showered remembering how I felt that Christmas-- this is the season we are celebrating the birth of Mary's son, the birth of baby Jesus but this season I am mourning the loss of my baby. It seemed wrong, unfair, and a painfully ironic.

Today I get questions: when will you have another? how is your body doing? and I get statements: you can't have just one! when you have your second baby....
I hear them, I store them, and later I regurgitate them to answer them for myself--I give reason to my heart to help me move on: "I think I am only meant to have one. I would be a bad mom to two kids. God has something to teach me." Funny thing is, the answers I give myself don't feel final, there is still this stifled hope that I am wrong but with each negative test I take and each physical problem I tackle along the way, I still hope. I wonder--if my job weren't so stressful, if I proved to be a better mom to my one, if I had enjoyed it more the first time, if if if....
I am so blessed to have one amazing little boy. Some days, I feel selfish even wanting more than what I have. Other days, I wonder, why does it come so easily for some and not others? Today, I am just taking a moment to cry about something that really hurts inside, something I don't talk about, and something that is so personal it has changed how open I usually am....


  1. Oh Allegra... you are so raw and honest. I hurt for you. I felt many of these thoughts when I miscarried and it seems GOOD to see them written down. I pray He will bless your womb... So sorry.

  2. i cannot tell you how much i understand your heart,i have suffered 9 misscarriages and with each one,i hurt i ponder,i question my lords reasonings and each time i pick myself up and move forward.I am currently carrying my 5th baby and am 25 weeks along,i have just started to allow myself to bond with this precious one for fears it too would be gone all too fast and would leave a void only i would be able to work through.I will keep you in my prayers and i honestly believe there will be a time for you,god doesnt think you will be a bad mom,therefore punishing you by taking it away,he is an honest and loving god who holds you in his hands today and always.
    sincerly Siobhan

  3. I know that knowing you're not alone isn't necessarily the most comforting at this point. It is such an alone feeling - and one that truly does need to be felt solo. However. I'm not just there next to you - I AM you. I know those feelings, fears, pains, struggles - they are mine - and I am crying WITH you. For you, for myself, and for all those who are silently suffering.

    I love you so much - and know that you don't ever have to paint a happy face on yourself around me. You can even hole up for a whole weekend just to feel your feelings without refilling the sippy cup or wondering what to fix your sweet hubby for dinner.

    You are so amazing to put a voice and set aside some cry time for this - because stuffing them and pretending doesn't make anything/anyone feel any better. Especially you. And I know how hard it is when people say "God has a plan" - wouldn't it be nice to know what it is? I sure would. Those are the most comforting and equally conflicting words at this fragile point. I love you - and now I know why you've been so strongly on my mind/heart/prayer list these past few weeks.


  4. Aww, Allegra you are such an amazing women. I'm sure you have heard tons of stories from other women, but I was in your position when my oldest (who is now 15) was little. I wanted another so badly and it took us 5 years! I also had a miscarriage in that 5 year time. Hang in there sweetie! I'm believing that it WILL happen, just like it did for me.....when u least expect it!

  5. You are an amazing mom. I can't pretend to know the reasons for all the things that happen in life. But I do know that we can't take them all upon ourselves. We can't assume we deserve each mishap. We can only look to the future without forgetting the past. I am so sorry you have to go thru this... but I know you are strong. You will make it thru the other side and you will feel whole again.

    Sending warmth and love Allegra.

  6. Oh sweetie ~ you are pulling on my heartstrings. I wish I had some great words of wisdom for you ~ but I don't. I do know that we tried and tried and it just never happened for us. Some days it makes me sad as I DO have 2 beautiful nieces but I like to think that I would have been a good Mom ~ guess I will never know. You are blessed to have an amazing boy ~ but it is not selfish wanting more ~ having more love to give to another sweet miracle. Thinking of you...

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  8. I am sitting here in tears. My heart aches for you. I am so sorry you are going through this. You are such an amazing mama... you care SO much.

    Love and hugs <3

  9. We have been in the same boat recently with a little girl's shirt that says "Big Sister". And though the boat has rolled and tumbled in the great waves that come our God has calmed the storm so many times for us. I know He has and will do the same for you. Thank you for sharing your heart and know that you are in my thoughts dear sister in Christ.

  10. I do not know how you are feeling , as i have never been through this. I just want to say I am so very sorry that you had to.

  11. Oh dear dear friend. I wish I wasn't so far away and I could be there to cry with you. xoxo

  12. i've experienced this same loss...and what a deep loss it is.

    praying for you this morning.

  13. Time to come back my friend...time to come back.
    I miss and love you.

  14. Allegra,
    I haven't had a chance to catch up on your blog and I'm heartbroken to hear of your loss. I pray that you are refreshed from a wonderful time with your hubby. Hugs to you my dear!!!!