Unfailing Love

The human truth is that I don't like how I feel today.
I'm exhausted and that exhaustion has me hearing lies.
Lies that make me want to cry, shout, and give in to the worldlyness of life right now.
I feel a bit like a toddler: "I.DON'T.WANT.TO"
And as much as I want to cave, crumble, crawl away, & curl up today: I'm fighting.

I have a friend--that's not even a good term--she's God's gift to my heart.
She encouraged me last week as she spoke about her counseling classes and I took an assignment on as my own:
For every lie I heard, find a scripture that counteracts the lie with truth.

So tonight I sat down and I thought about where my head was today and I decided... it sucked.

I went to the Book of Truth and I found truth, shields really, to fight the lies that were out to destroy me today.

I even found MY prayer.

¹ Hear my prayer, O Lord;

listen to my plea!
Answer me because you are faithful and righteous.
² Don’t put your servant on trial,
for no one is innocent before you.
³ My enemy has chased me.
He has knocked me to the ground
and forces me to live in darkness like those in the grave.
⁴ I am losing all hope;
I am paralyzed with fear.
⁵ I remember the days of old.
I ponder all your great works
and think about what you have done.
⁶ I lift my hands to you in prayer.
I thirst for you as parched land thirsts for rain.

⁷ Come quickly, Lord, and answer me,
for my depression deepens.
Don’t turn away from me,
or I will die.
⁸ Let me hear of your unfailing love each morning,
for I am trusting you.
Show me where to walk,
for I give myself to you.
⁹ Rescue me from my enemies, Lord;
I run to you to hide me.
¹⁰ Teach me to do your will,
for you are my God.
May your gracious Spirit lead me forward
on a firm footing.
¹¹ For the glory of your name, O Lord, preserve my life.
Because of your faithfulness, bring me out of this distress.
¹² In your unfailing love, silence all my enemies
and destroy all my foes,
for I am your servant. ~ Psalm 143

Truth: I am loved, provided for, & worthy.

Truth is what I will cling to.

I'm Not A Housewife

I may be farther than that than I have ever been.

Right now, I am the financial provision and with it, I'm feeling things I never thought I would.

In my days of die hard feminism, this was where I wanted to be

however

I also wanted to be alone then.

This isn't how I would have written this.

In fact, I had this dreamt out quite differently.

He was working toward being the income.

I was dreaming of the day I'd be home chasing my rugrat, making meals, & awaiting my man's return from a long day in the office.

Now-here we are.

One income: mine.

One stay at home parent: him.

Truly, with every ounce of me, I'm hearing His voice and I know

this is where He has me

and I will learn and wait here.

And let me tell you,

I'm learning.

I'm learning:

I have expectations I didn't know I had and I may have a 50's husband mentality about what should get done in the house because "what else are you doing there all day?"

I've had to remember:

Being at home with your child is a blessing and it is also a lot of work. It's a lot of "look at me's" "play with me's" & go go go. It's energy you simply don't use in an office--it's physical, emotional, and mental.

I'm learning:

A stay at home parent really needs a break when the other parent gets home just as much as the parent who just left the office needs a break. Both of us have had different energy tanks drained and we.need.a.break!

I'm learning...again and again:

My husband has the ability to be a better parent and person than I do.

The man's energy is unfailing.

and I realize:

I'm so unfair in asking for MORE than what I see when I get home

because every time I ask for MORE

I'm discounting every single thing he's already done.

I'm learning:

I have a lot to learn.

I'm Not A Housewife.

I'm a Working Mom who's on a road I wouldn't have picked myself but I'm in the passenger seat now taking in the views as I go. I'm far from perfect, but I'm not setting out for that--I'm setting out to love the journey and learn the lessons of the Refiner's fire.

This isn't a season about what I'm giving up.

This is a season about what I'm gaining.

If I had a camper...

I'd do something crazy.

I'd pick up and take off.

I'd tell my man to hitch it up to the back of the car.
I'd throw the munchkin's sleeping bag in the back.
And we'd hit the road.Not forever.
Just for a few days.

We'd admit: this isn't how we would have planned the first few months of 2011.
We'd praise: that we believe in His plan above our own.
We'd sing: songs of joy and stand our hearts on solid ground.
We'd laugh: because we know, one day we'll look back and say, "Remember when...this is why."
We'd breathe: this is a new moment and it is ours.
If I had a camper:
We'd be on the road.
We'd find out spot by the ocean or among the trees.
We'd just be.

Something tells me it's going to get harder than this.
SomeOne tells me the end is going to be so much better than this.

Walk the Talk

It sure is easy to talk the talk. Walking the Walk is something different.

In face of challenges and the unknown, I have just one question before me:
Will I Walk My Talk?
Today is the last day we have two paychecks.
It is the last day with known numbers and our previously existing budget.
We pay our mortgage, feed our mouths, clothe our bodies, and insure our health on these numbers.
The most important thing we do with those numbers is live as stewards.

I thought a lot about the tithe we would send to our home church today.
I asked myself a few questions.
Heart, Is it harder to give today?
I answered, No.
Soul, Are you scared to give today?
I answered, No.
Mind, Do you think you'll need that money you give away?
I answered, We don't need money. We need His provision.

I talk about trusting God with everything I have.
I talk about knowing that He is my provider.
I talk about my faith.
Can I walk it?
Will I walk it?It's a choice and I choose YES.

To each fear that tries to creep in, I'll turn the truth dial up to MAX!
To each doubt that tries to seek, kill, and destroy, I'll get on my knees and PRAISE!
For each tear that comes through my humanity, I'll learn MORE about who my GOD is.
It is HIS time.

Today I wrote the BEST check I've ever written.
Today I gave 10% of our last solid income on numbers we depend on and chose to say, "Father, you are 100% better than numbers and all I want to rely on. We're Yours."

In Malachi 3:10 (NLT), God says this: "Bring the whole tithe into the storehouse, that there may be food in my house. Test me in this," says the LORD Almighty, "and see if I will not throw open the floodgates of heaven and pour out so much blessing that there will not be room enough to store it." (from Saddleback.com)

We choose to sow into our eternity.
My God is BIGGER than this Mountain!

They Are New Every Mourning...

In worldly standards, today was a bad day.

In the eyes of my faith, today was a new day.

But here I am--struggling with a very real faith but my conflicting humanness.

I'm not sure what the steps of grief are in the wake of loss but I anticipate it's the range of emotions:

Tears, Anger, Depression, Numbness and then moments of feeling OK

My husband and I have been dancing with God for awhile asking Him what we are made for and what His plan is as we go through the day to day.

We are happy and we are so blessed.

In all of that though, we feel prisoners to a routine of unfulfilling financial provision.

Just last night we sat down for dinner and faced each other in love and admitted,

"I don't know what else to do."

We were "stuck."

Today God unstuck us.

Today my husband lost his job.

In this moment I am reminded:

"They are new every morning. Great is thy faithfulness."

Lamentations 3:23

And I hold so fast and true to that. I do!

But then there's this aching human heart I have that in the very same moment I hold faith, I hold mourning.

So I let my tears fall as I replay the news that came from the man I love.

I mourn as a wife for a man that I want to be reaffirmed by this world for who he is.

I celebrate as his faith filled partner that he has a better affirmation, a truer one in Christ.

A Christ who says He has plans to prosper us and NOT to harm us.

A Christ who knew we had nowhere else to move & took it away so He could move for us.

My head says that today was a bad day.

My heart says today was God's day.