What Will I Choose?

I recently heard a message within sermon that understanding what God is doing in your life can be a lot like watching a Polaroid develop; the longer you wait, the clearer your understanding becomes.

This year, I have been challenged on the same subject repeatedly: What will you choose, Your family or {your own desires} {what others think of you} {your pride}?

This challenge was initiated back in February when I released a dream I was chasing. At the height of the dream taking a serious leap into the next phase, I heard the question: What Will I choose, my family or my own desires? I felt like I was at a crossroad and I could have chosen myself but I would have been saying "no" to the two boys God has given me. It was a heartbreak, a genuine and very real heart break but in it, I heard Him saying, "You will be rewarded."

In May, I was presented with a professional opportunity that has challenged me to learn new boundaries. When I say yes to work, I am saying no to my husband and my son. When I say "just a minute," I'm telling them what my coworkers think of me means more to me than what you have to say. At the end of my rope with time, I was brought to the same question...What will I choose, my family or what others think of me?

Today, another opportunity has come before me. It is an opportunity that says, "Perhaps you will have Fridays with your son, perhaps not. Perhaps you will work your same schedule, perhaps not. It will be hard, challenging...." Can I do it? Yes. Do I want to prove myself? YES. But here I was, eating pizza with my boys and realizing---it's happening again. I am being asked, What will I choose, my family or my pride?

I am staring at the Polaroid and shaking it waiting for that big picture to become clear. I am asking this question tonight: Why is the same lesson repeating itself this year? What is God trying to teach me? What am I missing that I am facing this "source of income" challenge that comes with the same question each time: What Will I Choose?

The picture is, at best, hazy, but I am hearing a message that brings me peace as I fight the butterflies and desire to unfold the unknowns, "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on [my] own understanding" Proverbs 3:5.

So tonight, as I lay me down to sleep, I pray the Lord my soul to keep... keep me in Your will, help me to continue to say YES to my family, help me hear what You are asking, and grant your servant favor, Lord. I am Yours to use and it all belongs to you.