What a year this has been.

What an unbelievable year.
It started for me with trial but with great intention to be intentional in my praise and trust in Him.
I didn't always succeed at this.
Six months into the year, I broke and took on my world by myself.
I lived for the approval of others--others who at the end of the day don't have what's best for me in their heart.
Somehow, by the grace of God, I resurfaced after nearly losing myself.
I resurfaced with hope, with the pursuit of joy and the desire to fight again for my heart & mind to recite truth and evict the lies.
That fight reminded me of His promises & pointed out how I humanize Him"Truly I tell you, whoever says to this mountain, 'Be lifted up & thrown into the sea!' and does not doubt at all in is heart but believes that what he says will take place it will be done for him. For this reason I am telling you whatever you ask for in prayer believe that it is granted to you and you will get it." Mark 11:23-24

I found this passage and have it on repeat on my heart.
It's my human tendancy to say I believe He can move mountains in my head but to doubt He can move the mountains in my life in my heart.
I read this passage and I saw two things:
1. I had to get my heart and head in the same place: truth.
2. I humanize God.
When I read "what I ask for will be given to me," or know that a decision I make is out of obedience to Him and He will reward it, I hadn't realized that I expected my rewards now.
I was putting God in a box and asking for immediate gratification forgetting that every.single.time I question Him, His answer always comes but it's on his timing.
And when His answer is there, it's clear as day and the journey--the waiting--makes sense!

"You do not have because you do not ask. Ask God for what you want & desire and trust Him to bring it His way when the time is right. In the meantime, be content with what you have." James 4:2

So I have walked through a year that has pushed me, challenged me--in some areas it still is.
I am at a new place though--fighting to stay there in heart and mind--that I don't want what I want--I want what He knows is right for me to have and I pray that He gives me more patience and more trust to wait while He continues His work in me.

"Seek God first, desire Him more than anything else, & you will find that He will bless you with what s right for you to have." Psalms 37:4

Starbucks Holiday Drink Tasting!

A couple of weekends ago, Starbucks offered a Buy One Get One Free from 2-5pm on their holiday drinks!
Not one to pass something like this up, you could say I took advantage of the offer!

Spending the weekend with my cousin always spurs creative energy and fun activity.
We decided that we four adults would like to try a large portion of Starbucks Holiday Drink Menu!
So, with a few dollars in our pocket we were off and ordered the following:
Pumpkin Spice Latte
Gingerbread Latte
Caramel Brule Latte
Caramel Apple Spice Cider
Peppermint Mocha
White Chocolate Peppermint Mocha

Starbucks hooked us up with 6 smaller cups for our tasting party and my hus, the dispenser, figured out a creative way to pour us each our blind taste
(which of course were rinsed out between tastes to avoid tastebud confusion!)

The rules were simple:
1. Guess what you were drinking
2. Rate what you were drinking

The Taste Test Recorder (Tracy) developed a highly fanciful spreadsheet to accurately track our data for our official "Best & Worst" Poll!

So if you can't read the spreadsheet, these are the very official results :)
#1: Caramel Spiced Cider
#2: Peppermint Mocha
#3: White Chocolate Peppermint Mocha
#4: Caramel Brule Latte
#5: Pumpkin Spice Latte
#6: Gingerbread Latte

My personal favorite coffee drink that I would consider a "daily drinker" would be the Caramel Brule Latte but the yummiest Christmas inducing treat was the White Chocolate Peppermint Mocha/Peppermint Mocha options (just a little too sweet to drink an entire cup of!)
In the end, however, my traditional go to is always Apple Cider!

Fun taste testing brought to you by four fabulous adults permanently on the quest for laughs & adventure!

A White Thanksgiving

We celebrated Thanksgiving on Friday and in our home for the first time.

With a few Fall touches set up around the house early in the week,
I actually had time to enjoy a piece of a season that generally flies by.

My plan this year started with white and kraft paper and shaped itself from there thanks to a few borrowed pieces from my cousin and a husband who let me spend the night shaping the table as my mood struck.
This was the end result:

The table cost me a total of $20 in new purchases:
Tablecloth: $10
White Pumpkins: $5
White roll of paper: $2
Place Tags: $3
My favorite piece ended up being my make-shift white paper table runner!
With the Martha Stewart Lace paper punch, I took a standard white roll of paper typically used for children's art and punched away until it fit the length of the table.
The natural look of the table ended up feeling relaxed yet special.
Exactly what I wanted.

While the wine cork place card holders didn't seem appropriate for the kiddos;) clothespins worked & kept the look cohesive.
With a few nuts in a glass container & some crayons, the munchkins were good to go at their own table!

With the loving words of my husband,
"Thank you for making this so special. Things like this are easy to just let go by. I'm thankful you did this,"
It was worth it and so fun!

To my honey,
Thank you for encouraging me to do what I needed to make Thanksgiving special and loving through my "too much to do" spasms! ;)
You make my world right.
I love you.

*please do not use any photos without permission & appropriate credits.

Who do you do it for?

In everything you do, there is always someone you are doing it for.

It can be you, God, your spouse, your child(ren), your in-laws, your parents, your friends but regardless of your answer it is for someone.

This year I will host my first Thanksgiving in our first home.
That in itself is something to be incredibly thankful for.
While my immediate family will be spread out and around the state of California & Oregon, I will welcome my husband's family through our doors.{Beautiful mantle courtesy of my cousin's home}

Months ago I began planning & purchasing the things I would need to set the table, stage the meal, and love on the people that can be with us.
Along the way, I would find my anxiety points and my need to control the outcome:
This will be a sit down meal, this will be at a certain time, Football will not be on until after we eat....
I had to address the question as my anxiety rose:
WHO AM I DOING THIS FOR?
I actually surprised myself when I realized the answer was:
Me.
For weeks I had thought I was doing this for my in-laws.
I was going over the top to make it special because I wanted love on them with the details because that is how my family loves but when I looked closer I saw the heart of it:

Thanksgiving is a time for family.
It is a time for sitting around a table that has no distractions other than loved ones & deliciousness, it is meant to be special and special to me means personal, pretty & planned.

So, this Thanksgiving in our home, I'll be attempting the three P's that make it special for me & to me and hope that those who come to share this day of thanks with us feel loved and special the way I truly hope they will.

What makes it special to you?

Anywhere But Near

{a slice of fiction}

She sat across the table from him lost in thought. Her head was slightly tilted as she played with the shape of her wrist and spoke, "There's something about me that I can't figure out. I always want to be somewhere else. It's a need, a craving."

He looked at her as he always did, with love and patience and he asked, "Why?"

"I don't know," she said, "Maybe it's because home was always a relative term or maybe it's how God made me. I want that place to come back to but if I don't leave frequently I feel like I'll die."

She crawled inside her heart and dug around shuffling the dusty travel itineraries stuck in scrapbooks with receipts from ristorante's she ate at alone and photos she took with people that were just a train stop on her journey. They felt good as she pulled up each one: Australia's Kangaroo Island and the smell of Eucalyptus lapsed into the taste of fresh yogurt in New Zealand and the sound of a good rugby match. The shine and bump of cobblestone under her feet tingled her memory of Norway and the taste of waffles & fresh water as she drifted in a fjord on her way to London's churches and china stores. Italy came and stayed awhile as she inhaled a cigarette, drank red wine, & bought her daily mele on the way to school. The taste she swore she'd never know sat on her tongue as the memories of Greece came to play and took her all the way to Peru where dirt stuck in her fingernails & laughs echo through Macchu Pichu. Her heart was pounding and she realized, she was addicted to the rush and she began to cry.

"I just can't breathe here. The world is out there waiting to teach me more about who I am. It is wanting me to remember how strong I am, how beautiful life really is and what it's all about."

Her whispers came in echoes as he reached a hand out to hers and spoke, "I'm listening."

"Whenever I leave a place in life, I can't go back. It's as if I look back and all I can see is how ugly I was, how much better I could have been. When I'm on an adventure, it's not like that. What I see is how strong I am, how blessed I am. That's what traveling gives me, a place I want to go back to because I see the good about me. I tackle fear, I do the impossible, and I succeed. That doesn't happen for me anywhere else but out there. I need to go out there. I need to go with you," she begged with a quietly explosive passion.

And as only he could, he said, "I love you," and it opened to door to the abyss of forever.

Finding Alice in the Rabbit Hole

I've been asking myself something a lot lately-- "where have I been?"Today as I drove home through the canyon that my son and I point out the bell peppers, count the watering holes, and race the train on certain afternoons I realized, six months ago I made a decision that robbed me (hopefully temporarily) of my ability to be inside my own head.

It was like lightning struck and all of a sudden my life was on rewind and then fast forward connecting the dots.

This year has produced a lot of "new" in my life. New I have wanted and new I haven't. It's been something taken from me, a dream I gave up, a goal accomplished, a double edged sword that appeared to be gift & blessing, goodbyes & hello's. It has all catapulted me into a personal divide so restricting & confining that I had forgotten any thing that I loved in life.

My self has truly been duking it out in the last 6 months. I have spent nights crying & journaling pages of "how do I be the new me in a place that makes me want to live like the old me" & I have really, really struggled.

I forgot how to craft, how to write--I forgot the things that made me feel good and allowed me to breathe.

I realize there are tough patches in life and I am thankful that I was able to come to a point where I was able to admit- humpty dumpty fell, the queen of hearts turned bitter, the mad hatter is running himself in circles, & Alice is lost.

Everyone needs help getting out of life's rabbit holes and I'm finally emerging from this epic fall from grace. It ultimately comes down to me and learning to give myself grace (which I'm not good at), not expecting perfection (I just don't seem to get that one), ceasing to compare my life to others (talk about a battle!), & setting out to live the priorities I verbalize- Faith First, Family second, & all else proceeding after.

In a season of thanks, I'm thankful for new beginnings, forgiveness of myself, my husband's patience & undying encouragement, the friends who have been there to listen to me, the family that has been helping me fight this dark year each in the ways they can, for HOPE.

I found Alice in the Rabbit hole. She's coming back now.

Matters of the Heart

Having a heart has to be one of the easiest things to achieve in life. So easy, that perhaps it's not achieved at all--we are born with it. Perhaps the most difficult thing is that it's not about having a heart that is difficult--it's protecting it.
We each are born in purity, innocence, and grace. Along the road, those things slip away. We find ourselves discovering that our parents are fallible, we discover adults do not know everything, we meet our first love thinking it's our last then find our true love realizing it's our first, we lose friends, we get betrayed, & we get lost. In all that bad, there's the good: there's the parent that loved you all along, the parent who comes back, the one good man left in the world manages to find you, you find the friend that speaks what you need to hear and not just what you want to hear, you realize that blood really is thicker than water. Life seemingly appears to be one giant bell curve of battle from run-over to restored.We are all fighters and we are all fighting for the same things: acceptance, love & respect.

Today I am overwhelmed with our fragility & God's amazing grace. He continues to send forth love to refurbish this heart that often runs down so far past empty. In a season of THANKS I am thankful for this!

My First Vacation

I'm back from Puerto Vallarta and I do in fact feel like a new me.

I have been very blessed in life to travel a lot.
One of my secret ambitions in life was to become a travel writer.
I love exploring, diving into new cultures, learning who I am somewhere else.
I believe there is a lot to be said for pushing your comfort zone, trying to speak another language wherever you are, & seeing the world from another point of view.
Sometimes, the longer we stand in one place, the less we are able to see the beauty of what we have. Other times, the opportunity to step out gives us the appreciation and respect we need to keep going.
For all of these reasons, I love to travel.
On this particular excursion to Mexico, I learned the difference between trip & vacation.

Trip: To explore, to be on a schedule, to set out to not miss a thing.
Vacation: To rest, to abandon schedule, to realize there is nothing to miss.

When I travel, I "trip". I study, I learn, I take photos, I run, I go-go-go.
Quite frankly, I love doing it.
I was raised in a family of "trip-ers" (ya hear me right, Trace?!)
It's hard to undo that innate desire to soak it all in.
However, here I was in desperate need of a place rest and recharge.

This has been a really tough year for me.
I feel like I have lost a lot in the midst of a lot of accomplishment.
My heart has felt heavy & my spirit has been unbearably cracked and some days broken.
I found I lost my joy.

So--Mexico was a serious count down for me.
It was what was helping me survive:
7 nights & 8 days with our best friends, no munchkin, & no plans.
If you asked me how Mexico was, this is what I'll say:
It was perfect! We did nothing in particular which was everything I wanted to do!

I remembered what it meant to sleep, how to read a book, & how to STOP.
The first two days were hard for me to sit still but with a few mimosas, some good playlists, a journal, & a book...I figured it out.

My first vacation.
It kicked @$$

maybe...

i'll be ready to return after a week here

drinking a few of these
reading this
and putting my heart back on track.
taking the time to sleep...relax...laugh...love...be an adult.

maybe i'll be ready to be me again.
the new brunette mehopefully.

{this one was for you kasey & tracy}

Creating Reasons

I have wanted something for awhile. I have wanted it since I lost it--but it hasn't come to me. Lately, it's been hard. Suddenly, I can't keep the feelings on the inside...because I think they might be breaking me.
I know I'm not the first to go through it but that doesn't change how I feel about it. I know some people can go through it and move right on. I know some women can survive it and find success if they just keep trying. I know there are others who feel like me: confused, questioning... Lately, I am admitting I am sad, I am seeking answers, I work to surrender it, and then there are moments that I try to self diagnose, I attempt to move on by creating a reason for why it is the way it is.

I know I've been crypitic--the truth is, today it's hard to see the word: miscarriage. My eyes well up when I think back on December 23, 2009 and I crumble a little.

I woke up this morning thinking about a shirt that is tucked away in a drawer and I can't shake it from my heart today. It's a shirt that probably doesn't fit the son I have now. It's a shirt that I can't pick up, I can't unwrap, and I can't get rid of. (breaking down for a second. give me a minute....)
The shirt says "Big Bro." I think of it and I remember how I told my husband we would be having another baby, I remember the shock on his face, I remember how excited I was--how different it felt to find out this time, to wonder how we'd keep it a secret so we could tell all of our family on Christmas morning...we wouldn't say a word, we'd just have our midget walk in with his shirt on and see who noticed. We printed cards that we were going to send out that announced the stork was coming again.
We never got to do those things. No one got to share in the excitement I had except for my boss, a friend, and us. We lost the baby on what is traditionally my family's Christmas eve and I went numb. I couldn't tell anyone, I didn't want anyone to know, I felt so broken. There was nothing I could do it make it stop, there was no way to save this little life I loved and I felt like I had failed as a mom and as a wife, afterall, it was my job to protect my child(ren) but all I could do was watch and feel my failure until a final blood test would say, "it's done."

So I woke up thinking about a shirt that has probably now outgrown my son, a shirt that had a message of excitement and hope and a shirt that turned into a painful reminder. I saved it thinking, "We'll still need this. He'll still wear this," but now I am not sure. Now I don't know but it wasn't until this morning that the actual shirt's fate and it's reality struck me. I showered remembering how I felt that Christmas-- this is the season we are celebrating the birth of Mary's son, the birth of baby Jesus but this season I am mourning the loss of my baby. It seemed wrong, unfair, and a painfully ironic.

Today I get questions: when will you have another? how is your body doing? and I get statements: you can't have just one! when you have your second baby....
I hear them, I store them, and later I regurgitate them to answer them for myself--I give reason to my heart to help me move on: "I think I am only meant to have one. I would be a bad mom to two kids. God has something to teach me." Funny thing is, the answers I give myself don't feel final, there is still this stifled hope that I am wrong but with each negative test I take and each physical problem I tackle along the way, I still hope. I wonder--if my job weren't so stressful, if I proved to be a better mom to my one, if I had enjoyed it more the first time, if if if....
I am so blessed to have one amazing little boy. Some days, I feel selfish even wanting more than what I have. Other days, I wonder, why does it come so easily for some and not others? Today, I am just taking a moment to cry about something that really hurts inside, something I don't talk about, and something that is so personal it has changed how open I usually am....

Urban Outfitters

I've been in love with a few items at Urban and with a desire focus on the Master Suite, I've been doing some intense detail research all over the internet!I love the pillow cases that add a dash of the yellow that I'm looking for along with a happy message. The message board will be perfect for those early morning love notes to the hus since I leave for work before dawn breaks and he's still asleep.

In serious need of some curtains to cover our sliding glass door that faces an access street, I bit the bullet and purchased Urban's Waterfall Ruffle Curtains.
While I thought they would be completely overwhelming in our room, they add this soft, romantic feel which is exactly what I wanted.

So the real purpose of this post is actually to share some discount codes I found in case you too have found yourself in love (or even in like) with some of their fun home finds! I'm incredibly frugal so while these items are are way above what I usually spend, the discounts softened the blow.

The promotion code: CLASSACT will get you 10% off your purchase.
The promotion code: FALLFORIT will get you free shipping on any order.

To cash in on the savings, enter the codes at check out.

{You will need to enter one code initially and then when you see your total, hit EDIT in the payment box at the top of the screen before processing your order. You'll be able to enter the second promotion code at this time to get both discounts}

Planting Love

Back in May when we bought our first home, I lovingly named our new project "Beauty for Ashes." It became that for me for a number of reasons, but the obvious is that the house had been abandoned, unloved, and forgotten.

My husband has wanted to own a home for years. For some reason, it was something that was hard for me to believe could happen (especially in California!) We had looked throughout the years but I always had a hard time seeing "potential" in what we could afford. I had unrealistic expectations for our first home and I didn't know how to get past them. Every time we looked, I never had anything good to say...until this house.
When I saw this house, I saw what it could be! I saw what it was going to be! I saw a home, I saw love, I saw a dream that could actually come true. It was oddly, my husband this time who took convincing. Like I said--it was pretty disgusting inside and out (we didn't even get decent photos of how horrible it was before landscaping demo cleaned the dirt up!)

4 months later, the house has a new face and above all, it has a new heart!
It will continue to be loved whole, it will continue to be seen for it's potential, and it has become beauty from ashes.

{The fence was a big project!
In the first photo you can see it was oddly pushed back from the curb and cut in around an access box. We pushed the fence out and squared it off so our munchkin could have more space to play!}

It is not lost on me how blessed we have been. It may have been overwhelming in unexpected ways, but it has been an incredible blessing!
We are so thankful!

PROJECT: Wallpaper Shelving

Mission: Add Some Back Splash!

Inspiration:

As it turns out, what I thought I came up with in my head is actually a big trend at the moment--using wallpaper to spruce up the mundane!
Here's one source for example!

So, for the cupboards in the first photo--which are filled with stuff that "isn't quite in it's place yet"--I am trying to figure out which route to go:
contact paper, wall paper, gift wrapping paper.

I just need a little something without a whole lotta permanent commitment!

Making House a Home

The new house continues to come together....
baby steps.
A LOT of baby steps!
I keep finding that things don't seem like they are "in their place" yet.
Know what I mean?

So many new nooks & crannies.
So many open spaces.
So each day we live here--or I should say, each day I slow down a bit and breathe--I figure out a little more of what makes the house feel like home!

At the end of the day, it's the people that live in the house and the people that visit the house that make it home.
It's true.
But I do love styling it and surrounding it with beautiful, bargain friendly things!

Amore

Ohhhh hello weekend, boy have you been eagerly anticipated!
The hus and I are off to Moss Beach this weekend for a photo shoot and my brain is on AMORE mode.
I am slowly finding my groove in this new life between the house and the job and I'm starting to resurface and it feels so nice.
Now, if I could just create more time...
hmm....
HAPPY WEEKEND!

Rescue the Room!

I just realized---I never have shared before and after photos of our new home.
Hmph, time flies!
That may have been a misleading intro because neither of these pictures are our home
HOWEVER
they sure are inspiring me!

The hus has put in his request,
"I really want to finish our bedrooms!"
Dually noted hottie-honey!
I guess it's time to get re-inspired and something about these two photos really does it for me!

What are your inspirational blog sources for rooms?
Maybe I need to take some pictures of our blank canvas and get some of your input!
I have huge walls, tall ceilings and NO idea where to start...
other than with a wallet and a priority on a headboard.

What Will I Choose?

I recently heard a message within sermon that understanding what God is doing in your life can be a lot like watching a Polaroid develop; the longer you wait, the clearer your understanding becomes.

This year, I have been challenged on the same subject repeatedly: What will you choose, Your family or {your own desires} {what others think of you} {your pride}?

This challenge was initiated back in February when I released a dream I was chasing. At the height of the dream taking a serious leap into the next phase, I heard the question: What Will I choose, my family or my own desires? I felt like I was at a crossroad and I could have chosen myself but I would have been saying "no" to the two boys God has given me. It was a heartbreak, a genuine and very real heart break but in it, I heard Him saying, "You will be rewarded."

In May, I was presented with a professional opportunity that has challenged me to learn new boundaries. When I say yes to work, I am saying no to my husband and my son. When I say "just a minute," I'm telling them what my coworkers think of me means more to me than what you have to say. At the end of my rope with time, I was brought to the same question...What will I choose, my family or what others think of me?

Today, another opportunity has come before me. It is an opportunity that says, "Perhaps you will have Fridays with your son, perhaps not. Perhaps you will work your same schedule, perhaps not. It will be hard, challenging...." Can I do it? Yes. Do I want to prove myself? YES. But here I was, eating pizza with my boys and realizing---it's happening again. I am being asked, What will I choose, my family or my pride?

I am staring at the Polaroid and shaking it waiting for that big picture to become clear. I am asking this question tonight: Why is the same lesson repeating itself this year? What is God trying to teach me? What am I missing that I am facing this "source of income" challenge that comes with the same question each time: What Will I Choose?

The picture is, at best, hazy, but I am hearing a message that brings me peace as I fight the butterflies and desire to unfold the unknowns, "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on [my] own understanding" Proverbs 3:5.

So tonight, as I lay me down to sleep, I pray the Lord my soul to keep... keep me in Your will, help me to continue to say YES to my family, help me hear what You are asking, and grant your servant favor, Lord. I am Yours to use and it all belongs to you.

Beneath the Good

A simple question often evokes a simple answer.

"How are you?"
"Good. How are you?"
But what's beneath that?
What's beneath the surface of "good" that we aren't saying, that we aren't hearing, that we're not really asking, that we don't know?
The truth is, I am good but there is more to that good that I am not saying. Things that don't feel good, that don't look good, that aren't good, but I can't speak of them.

The question was too simple and my answer is too complicated.

***
I sat at a table I have sat at for decades with faces I have known the same amount of time. People I love so dearly I cry when I leave them. I cry for the changes, the gratefulness, and the appreciation. I cry for it all and I am left with a punch drunk emotional hangover digesting the tilt-o-whirl that is life, that is family.How am I?
I am good.
But beneath that--I am trying to compartmentalize who I am and the emotions {guilt, stress, love, happiness, anger, frustration, smiles} that go with each and every part of those compartments. At the moment, I am trying to understand why I was so upset over a passing incident that was not about me but I made it so.

I grew up in an incredible family of people with strong personalities. Men who were bred to provide, lead, and surpass the men around them. I was born into women who are secondary voices to the men but headstrong, opinionated, and achievers. I was born among men who work and women who sustain a home. The age old tale of my experience as a mother has been defined by the fact that these women's stories are not my own and I constantly feel other by expressed expectation and the absence of relation to my walk. It plagues me and has made it impossible to understand and appreciate my road and what I need to do. {tears}
I sat around a table this weekend talking. A grandfather, his granddaughters, and one grandson. As the grandson received an incoming business call, the grandfather addressed his appreciation for his grandson's dedication to his job and inside I boiled.

I boiled because a) I don't think business should ever come before family and a table should never be left for it b) I boiled because I would never be congratulated for professional dedication that took over a weekend. I would be asked, "what else can you give up to be home?" And in that moment, I wanted my phone to ring. I wanted to direct a call with "Did you receive the venue contracts and received countersigned documentation, update the database, inform marketing..." I wanted in inflate a piece of me that could perhaps prove my worth in an arena that could be identified with. However, this one piece...this professionalism I take on while being a married woman and mother will always make me other in my self understanding within my family.

What I wouldn't give to fill these bottles and watch these hands every day...what haven't I given to try???I grew up with and know an incredible family. I have the most beautiful family of my own. It never ceases to amaze me how challenging this road is to allow myself to be different, to know difference, and to come to appreciate the uniqueness of my own story. Instead I fight to shove my awkward jigsaw piece into a 50-piece puzzle and will continue to until I can just say, "this is who I am, this is my road, and I will make the best of it."

So, How am I?
I am good...
and beneath that good, there is just a bit more than you asked for.

Cute Reminders