Sunday, February 1, 2015

Do It Afraid

I follow Joyce Meyer Ministries & often find myself clinging to words she shares. Last night she shared this:
"The feeling of fear is not that abnormal. We all feel that, but just because you feel fear, doesn't mean you have to let it stop you. You can feel fear and still 'do it afraid.'"

It completely resonates with my heart. I keep finding the more things I say "I'll NEVER do that" to, the list of how wrong I am keeps growing.
I'll NEVER get Married. WRONG
I'll NEVER have kids. WRONG
I'll NEVER do direct sales. WRONG.

All of those I'll NEVERS stemming from FEAR. Fear of failure, fear of hurt, FEAR.


January was a weird month for me, and that word doesn't even FIT. I walk into February with this same off-putting feeling that I am not emotionally, physically, spiritually where I should be. I feel trapped inside my own head & heart trying to sort out a pieces of my soul that have all become dislodged. And there's no reason. There's no catastrophic moment that gives reason to this; which honestly makes me feel crazy.

I woke up at 3am this morning haunted by dreams that felt so real, full of people I love & have loved, full of moments I fear, remember, and anticipate, FULL of burden. I had to get my bearings: what is real, where am I, where do I live, what day is it?

I tried putting myself back to sleep mentally drawing bubbles my me-hood is segregated into.... And ALL of this is what I can't shake!

I am drowning in my own division, pouring the best of me into being employed because it FEELS the most validating, falling at the feet of Jesus throughout the day knowing it's not where I want to be & not sure how to touch bottom in the shallow end again. 

I keep looking for answers for the mental chaos. I keep WANTING to withdraw, seclude, isolate and recharge but there's no time for that. So, how do I rebuild & recenter? 

I turn my worship on and while the toy cars crash and the kids fight I let the words sink in and the truth starts to warm me

So today, I am regurgitating this. I am going to keep stepping out, doing it afraid, working to realign and reword the lies to truths.