Thursday, April 21, 2011


This year, I have an Easter Baby ;)My little man is turning 3.

I'm not quite sure where the time has gone, but for all of those long days, the years sure have been short!

This little tiny person changed everything about me (and still does).
He makes me vulnerable and makes me strong.
He makes me protective and he makes me independent.
He makes me smile and there are moments he makes me cry.

He's my personal paradox.

I see my weakness and I see my strength.
I feel my exhaustion and I live my enthusiasm.
I watch him and I see who he is and I heal the little girl that I was.

He is my challenge, my rescue, and he is my point of grace.

This Sunday when we celebrate that He Is Risen,
I will also celebrate the beauty that has come from my ashes,
I will celebrate my son.

Happy Birthday to my growing boy & Happy Easter to ALL!

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

24 Weeks

You know those women who just....GLOW....when they're pregnant?
The ones that never get sick, barely gain a pound, could run a marathon...
Yeahhh...that's not me.
I've officially decided
I'm a Show-er, NOT a Glower.

Although I may not shine and rock it like a petite, peppy, energetic little mama,
I'm SO grateful to be here and with this little one after our loss last year.

I may be that girl that is sick the entire pregnancy and barely gets through a work day.
I may be that prego that aches sooner than normal & waddles earlier than I should
Like I said...
I'm a show-er, NOT a glower
but I AM grateful, blessed, and cherishing this little life I feel moving every day!

While I may not have that physical glow, my heart sure shines insides :)

{photos by christanp photography}

Thursday, April 14, 2011

Dear Son, Life is Changing....

Dear Son,

I know your world has been different lately.
I know in it, there have been blessings--like unlimited time with your Daddy.
I know we as your parents have been waiting to see where God would take us and while we waited on Him, you waited on us.
You looked to us for your safety, your security, your peace.
I know there were days I didn't give that to you.
Days I was too tired, to empty, or just in my space seeking Him.
Thank you for the smiles you gave us, the laughs you provided, the "look at me!'s" the "let me show you!'s" that pulled me out of where I was and challenged me to say YES to you and NO to the things I thought I should be focusing on.

Life is changing again.
We are so blessed that Daddy has a new job that he will start on Monday!
In the time you had with him, you talked more, your sense of humor grew with him, you learned more than I could have imagined.
I'd come home from work and there was my boy: going potty like a big boy, singing Twinkle Twinkle Little Star, and learning your ABCs.
In that time you had with him, the window of you being our one and only shrunk and mommy's heart started skipping beats....
how could I protect you from all this change you feel too fragile for?
I think the fragile one is me.

I thought I knew where you would be going back to.
I thought you'd go back to your daycare and life would pick up as usual until August.
I can't protect you from that change, I can only prepare you.
In August you will become a big brother & start preschool.
Such amazing things!
Now that the unexpected news came that there's no space for you to return to the daycare you are use to (that I am use to), I feel like I have failed you.

You did not ask for two parents who worked.
You did not ask to become a Big Brother and lose our undivided attention.
But the truth is, those two things are not our parental failures (even though they feel that way).
They our are parental challenges and above all GIFTS to you.
You get to learn to play with others while we work to provide for our family.
You get to share your world with a sibling who will forever be in your life.
You will have a relationship of love with your sibling because there won't be anyone dividing you and you will have a lifelong friend.

Every day as your mother, my love, I find ways that I want to love you more, give you a better world, protect you from evil, and I am challenged. I am challenged to remember that your time on this earth and with me is on loan.
Your story is not mine.
My experiences are not yours.
You deserve to be who YOU are and this will not be the last time I think my fears are yours, but I will try.
I will try to give you YOUR moments here.

Life is changing my, son.
I love you.