The Storm

It happens when you can't even think anymore.

When you're out of questions, out of possibilities, out of the energy to imagine.

The truth.It cracks like thunder on a still, warm night.
You clutch the sheets that hold you safe and inside every inch of you falls to your knees.
You know what's next
and there it is
the rain.
It dumps down and the room closes in.
You feel how small you are in the moments you realize how big He is.

It happens when you feel like you can't hold out hope anymore.
He reaches down and holds on to you, gripping life for you.

It's a book that flies open to a chapter you needed to read.
A card that falls off a table you've neglected to clean and you needed to see.
He's there
and you can't deny Him
you can't deny yourself of Him.

The lightning fills the rooms
1-2-3
CRACK
the storm is closer than you thought.

Lord hold me.

Father, I hear you.
I don't want to spend my life chasing after a dream that you aren't blessing.
I want to be living the dream You put on my heart.
I want to cling to You and not to my dreams.
I want a life that is secure in You
and if that means I have to let go of MY plan, show me how.

My knuckles are white from clutching the bedsheets while the storm hails down.

The truth:
"Insecurity is a lack of faith. And a lack of faith is sin."

I am utterly dependent on You.
Oh how often I forget this.
I forget it when I feel like I'm writing the checks alone.
when I feel like I'm at the mercy of others.
when I feel...

One dream.
3.5 years.
What now?

The Imminent End

He talks like things have changed

like the future has unfolded the way we dreamed it would one day.
He speaks with hope
relentless trust
belief
with faith.

But here I am
feeling like life is happening to me.Here I am...
damn it's familiar.
The hourglass emptying now and instead of moving forward I'm watching it...
can't take my eyes off of it.
I'll trade in my mommy role for the working mama one.

He talks like things have changed...
like I'll still be here when the sun is up taking care of the life we've built proudly
but I won't be.
He says I can be
but I'd be leveraging our future
leveraging on the coat tails of hope.

But here I am
feeling like I'm without a purpose that could help us make ends meet.

Here I am...
damn it aches.
Playing that comparison game
asking God why our life doesn't look different here
knowing that all I want to do
truly
is emotionally provide for the family I have been given.

Working Mama.
Diaper bag on one arm and briefcase on the other.
It's coming
but he talks like things have changed
and while he believes
I...
I just need to catch my breath.

From Love to Loved

I am haunted by the existence of the past tense
how the thoughts we share of each other can change from is to was.

In one swift moment, any of us can be in the moment of saying "I love you" and then, without even realizing the clock is ticking away your time, force you to say, "I loved you."

We move from making memories to simply remembering them, cherishing them, boxing them up afraid we'll forget them, pulling them up, begging for more and hoping the ones we have aren't ones we wish we could undo.
In the past three months I have cried as two women changed from women I know to women I have known.
A hammer to the heart.
There it is.
They are no longer here and somehow the world is still allowed to turn.

I replay the weekend and my heart can't catch up with my head.

Love is an act we can all relate to: butterflies, obsession, excitement.
Sadness, Anger, Frustration all tied by the same ability to understand what they look like
but grief?
No.
Grief will strip you down and even take your shoes so when you try to run, you feel every awkward step as you break down and are exposed.
None of us process it the same & the spectrum is shocking.

How raw do we become?
How deeply to we unravel?
How together do we remain?

Am I allowed to hurt this badly?
Am I close enough to the loss to cry if they are not?
Why are they laughing & smiling?

I want to be alone.
They are afraid to be.
I lose myself in my head.
They lose themselves in a glass hoping each sip numbs this...
this reality
for just a little bit longer.

The chaos swirls and those still here are forced to admit
it's over now.
But we dance, eat, breathe, and move in the shell of where she lived
and it feels wrong.
It feels WRONG.
She died here.
Everywhere are stitches of her love sewn into the walls and the post it notes stuck around the walls because there was time...
they thought.

We live here.
She lived here.
We are waiting to rise.
She has risen.

Grief.
I love(d) her.

He's Here

My baby boy arrived two months ago and slowly, I'm emerging into my newness and settling into life with two beautiful, healthy boys.

6 lbs. 11 oz
teeny tiny in comparison to his brother but they could not have looked more alike the first day.
He's sweet, gentle, happy, & particular.
He loves to be held, will smile and coo when he's talked to, & completes our family.
He's an eater--that's for sure--but still small.
I try to get my time in with him but admittedly, life with a toddler & a newborn presents it's challenges...
one mommy + two boys = not enough of me.

Oh there's so much more to come but I had to start somewhere...after so long.i'm on my way back.
i just have to figure out--where do i start?!

It's a New Day

My poor husband came home last night and it just took one look for him to know I'd been crying my eyes out.

(Actually, it wouldn't have taken a genius because one look in the mirror and I realized my mascara was everywhere!)

But, TODAY IS A NEW DAY!


Today I grabbed some of my baby books and started reading.

With my first pregnancy I was given a book that I completely ignored.
It was TOO overwhelming to me and felt incredibly intense.
The book is called My First 300 Babies.

Know it?

Well, I opened it up today and started pouring over the pages and with this baby,
I'm convinced I want to use this manual.

Granted,
I'm a planner.
I love me a good schedule.
I adore routines.

I think what held me up last time was I decided to read the book once I had my son.
(bad idea)
This time I know there's more to think about and I know a bit more of what I need to prepare for.

So reading through the book today calmed me down.
Yah, the schedule is intense but it's also seemingly FREEING!

I can think of a few people who are going to consider me to be a nazi parent on this one.
Perhaps a few people who aren't going to like the limited waking hours the baby will have to be held or played with
but ya know what
our house, our kids, our rules ;)

The greatest thing I took away from today's reading?
Pg. 56 A Child's Natural Acceptance of a New Baby
"What child is not overjoyed at the thought of a new little brother or sister? Their childlike acceptance is natural, and this attitude should be the expected by the parents, rather than any negative behavior. There should be no need of gifts being brought to the other children when the infant is being favored. It is their happy opportunity to learn to share as a family, with no sense of being deprived in any way. Again I say, this thinking does not originate in the thoughts of the child; so parents, expect this childlike acceptance."

Oh the freedom that can come with a bit of studying, a bit of advice, and A LOT of surrender!

The {UN}shining

I am days away from:

meeting my second baby
completing my family
starting overand suddenly

I'm
overwhelmed
& terrified.

I'm counting seconds of "what's left" vs. looking at the joy of what's to come
and I haven't felt this sad about it all until yesterday.

Yesterday when I heard my body wasn't doing what I was hoping it was.
Yesterday when my husband had to take my emotions & fears and protect me from myself.
Yesterday when that same husband had to take our delivery plan and disburse it amongst 6 adults that we call our parents that I can't control.
Yesterday when I started the cycle of self-defeat as I stared at my son:
Can I be enough for you?
Can I do this again?
Can I do this differently then I did the first time?
Can I protect myself from the potential for post partum since depression was a struggle in my past?
Can I....I'm sobbing tonight
unable to breathe out of my nose from a collection of uncontrollable weeping.
Even as I cry and empty out my fear, I have worship music on because
I know
I KNOW:
this is a really bad moment
my feelings are not truths
that my doubts and fears are lies
but in this moment
I am feeling them with every ounce of raw human that I am.

I'm counting seconds toward a goodbye tonight.
Staring at my life as a series of lasts instead of a hopeful hello to a slew of new firsts.
I feel desperate, alone, broken hearted, & so....sad.

I am fighting to FEEL the truth I know:
"Let no one caught in sin remain/inside the lie of inward shame/[I] fix [my] eyes upon the cross /and run to Him who shows great Love" ~Matt Maher, Christ is Risen

Father- I surrender!

Ready {Logistically Anyway}

My due date is officially August 11 but when I was put on bed rest with a goal date of making it to July 14, mentally, my due date changed!
It now feels like I'm past due.

Initially July 14 came and went and I felt discouraged but now I'm good just waiting.
After all, with the use of my legs & mobility again, I'm a "free" woman.

Don't get me wrong.
My bags are packed
(& have been for 5 weeks...)

The build out the Hus was working on for the new office is complete so now the little one's room is ready.

And the gifts that the baby bought for his big brother are wrapped & ready for Big Brother to open when he meets the baby for the first time.

(Yes, already considerate and giving, the baby bought his big brother two trains for this Thomas the Train collection)

So it appears these last few weeks will be spent wondering:
Is my water going to break on my friend's leather couch?
Am I going to start having contractions & going into this unexpectedly?

And watching our big boy go through his own changes:
Not so excited that the baby has his own room with a rocker he can't call his (sad)
Waking up each morning asking if the the baby is awake and if he can hug him (sweet)

We are ready {Logistically Anyway...}