maybe...

i'll be ready to return after a week here

drinking a few of these
reading this
and putting my heart back on track.
taking the time to sleep...relax...laugh...love...be an adult.

maybe i'll be ready to be me again.
the new brunette mehopefully.

{this one was for you kasey & tracy}

Creating Reasons

I have wanted something for awhile. I have wanted it since I lost it--but it hasn't come to me. Lately, it's been hard. Suddenly, I can't keep the feelings on the inside...because I think they might be breaking me.
I know I'm not the first to go through it but that doesn't change how I feel about it. I know some people can go through it and move right on. I know some women can survive it and find success if they just keep trying. I know there are others who feel like me: confused, questioning... Lately, I am admitting I am sad, I am seeking answers, I work to surrender it, and then there are moments that I try to self diagnose, I attempt to move on by creating a reason for why it is the way it is.

I know I've been crypitic--the truth is, today it's hard to see the word: miscarriage. My eyes well up when I think back on December 23, 2009 and I crumble a little.

I woke up this morning thinking about a shirt that is tucked away in a drawer and I can't shake it from my heart today. It's a shirt that probably doesn't fit the son I have now. It's a shirt that I can't pick up, I can't unwrap, and I can't get rid of. (breaking down for a second. give me a minute....)
The shirt says "Big Bro." I think of it and I remember how I told my husband we would be having another baby, I remember the shock on his face, I remember how excited I was--how different it felt to find out this time, to wonder how we'd keep it a secret so we could tell all of our family on Christmas morning...we wouldn't say a word, we'd just have our midget walk in with his shirt on and see who noticed. We printed cards that we were going to send out that announced the stork was coming again.
We never got to do those things. No one got to share in the excitement I had except for my boss, a friend, and us. We lost the baby on what is traditionally my family's Christmas eve and I went numb. I couldn't tell anyone, I didn't want anyone to know, I felt so broken. There was nothing I could do it make it stop, there was no way to save this little life I loved and I felt like I had failed as a mom and as a wife, afterall, it was my job to protect my child(ren) but all I could do was watch and feel my failure until a final blood test would say, "it's done."

So I woke up thinking about a shirt that has probably now outgrown my son, a shirt that had a message of excitement and hope and a shirt that turned into a painful reminder. I saved it thinking, "We'll still need this. He'll still wear this," but now I am not sure. Now I don't know but it wasn't until this morning that the actual shirt's fate and it's reality struck me. I showered remembering how I felt that Christmas-- this is the season we are celebrating the birth of Mary's son, the birth of baby Jesus but this season I am mourning the loss of my baby. It seemed wrong, unfair, and a painfully ironic.

Today I get questions: when will you have another? how is your body doing? and I get statements: you can't have just one! when you have your second baby....
I hear them, I store them, and later I regurgitate them to answer them for myself--I give reason to my heart to help me move on: "I think I am only meant to have one. I would be a bad mom to two kids. God has something to teach me." Funny thing is, the answers I give myself don't feel final, there is still this stifled hope that I am wrong but with each negative test I take and each physical problem I tackle along the way, I still hope. I wonder--if my job weren't so stressful, if I proved to be a better mom to my one, if I had enjoyed it more the first time, if if if....
I am so blessed to have one amazing little boy. Some days, I feel selfish even wanting more than what I have. Other days, I wonder, why does it come so easily for some and not others? Today, I am just taking a moment to cry about something that really hurts inside, something I don't talk about, and something that is so personal it has changed how open I usually am....

Urban Outfitters

I've been in love with a few items at Urban and with a desire focus on the Master Suite, I've been doing some intense detail research all over the internet!I love the pillow cases that add a dash of the yellow that I'm looking for along with a happy message. The message board will be perfect for those early morning love notes to the hus since I leave for work before dawn breaks and he's still asleep.

In serious need of some curtains to cover our sliding glass door that faces an access street, I bit the bullet and purchased Urban's Waterfall Ruffle Curtains.
While I thought they would be completely overwhelming in our room, they add this soft, romantic feel which is exactly what I wanted.

So the real purpose of this post is actually to share some discount codes I found in case you too have found yourself in love (or even in like) with some of their fun home finds! I'm incredibly frugal so while these items are are way above what I usually spend, the discounts softened the blow.

The promotion code: CLASSACT will get you 10% off your purchase.
The promotion code: FALLFORIT will get you free shipping on any order.

To cash in on the savings, enter the codes at check out.

{You will need to enter one code initially and then when you see your total, hit EDIT in the payment box at the top of the screen before processing your order. You'll be able to enter the second promotion code at this time to get both discounts}

Planting Love

Back in May when we bought our first home, I lovingly named our new project "Beauty for Ashes." It became that for me for a number of reasons, but the obvious is that the house had been abandoned, unloved, and forgotten.

My husband has wanted to own a home for years. For some reason, it was something that was hard for me to believe could happen (especially in California!) We had looked throughout the years but I always had a hard time seeing "potential" in what we could afford. I had unrealistic expectations for our first home and I didn't know how to get past them. Every time we looked, I never had anything good to say...until this house.
When I saw this house, I saw what it could be! I saw what it was going to be! I saw a home, I saw love, I saw a dream that could actually come true. It was oddly, my husband this time who took convincing. Like I said--it was pretty disgusting inside and out (we didn't even get decent photos of how horrible it was before landscaping demo cleaned the dirt up!)

4 months later, the house has a new face and above all, it has a new heart!
It will continue to be loved whole, it will continue to be seen for it's potential, and it has become beauty from ashes.

{The fence was a big project!
In the first photo you can see it was oddly pushed back from the curb and cut in around an access box. We pushed the fence out and squared it off so our munchkin could have more space to play!}

It is not lost on me how blessed we have been. It may have been overwhelming in unexpected ways, but it has been an incredible blessing!
We are so thankful!

PROJECT: Wallpaper Shelving

Mission: Add Some Back Splash!

Inspiration:

As it turns out, what I thought I came up with in my head is actually a big trend at the moment--using wallpaper to spruce up the mundane!
Here's one source for example!

So, for the cupboards in the first photo--which are filled with stuff that "isn't quite in it's place yet"--I am trying to figure out which route to go:
contact paper, wall paper, gift wrapping paper.

I just need a little something without a whole lotta permanent commitment!

Making House a Home

The new house continues to come together....
baby steps.
A LOT of baby steps!
I keep finding that things don't seem like they are "in their place" yet.
Know what I mean?

So many new nooks & crannies.
So many open spaces.
So each day we live here--or I should say, each day I slow down a bit and breathe--I figure out a little more of what makes the house feel like home!

At the end of the day, it's the people that live in the house and the people that visit the house that make it home.
It's true.
But I do love styling it and surrounding it with beautiful, bargain friendly things!

Amore

Ohhhh hello weekend, boy have you been eagerly anticipated!
The hus and I are off to Moss Beach this weekend for a photo shoot and my brain is on AMORE mode.
I am slowly finding my groove in this new life between the house and the job and I'm starting to resurface and it feels so nice.
Now, if I could just create more time...
hmm....
HAPPY WEEKEND!