Simple Joy

Being still is new for me.
I'm someone who has a million things going on all at once.
Take away my ability to be employed and well, move, & here I am with a true gift.I have been finding myself LAUGHING--laughing hard--when my husband cracks a joke.
I see my son's cups, the tent he put over his bed, his pj's draped on his dresser and I smile vs. feel burdened.
I know I can't do the chores so I'm exercising my ability to ask for help & then let go knowing it won't be done how I would do it, but it will be done.

I'm relaxed.
I'm at peace.
I'm choosing to enjoy what will be a very brief moment in my life of silence & stillness.

I'm finding the simple to be the most beautiful- a bunch of sticks my son collects on a walk are now a treasure.

True gifts.
Simple Joy.

Love's Mercy

Is help something that is hard for you to ask for?

It is for me.
I don't believe it's pride that makes it hard, I believe it's a mixture of not wanting to burden anyone & needing to stand on my own two feet.So what happened when I found I couldn't even stand on my own two feet?
I battle a stubborn desire to resist diagnosis & yet somehow force myself to surrender.

I am 33 weeks pregnant and recently I was put on total bed rest.
I have ONE goal: make it to July 14.
It's been a challenge to feel 100% mentally capable and yet know/feel my physical limitations.
So I lay in bed with my toddler at school and my husband at work and I rest.

I am at the mercy of those who love me & it's an overwhelming blessing to see the neighbor that delivers meals twice a week, the friends who volunteer to get our groceries, bring food, or help with our son and the family who shows up to put us first.
Somehow the baby's clothes are getting washed, the build out is getting completed, the office will eventually transform into the baby's room, the furniture is moving, the errands are getting run, we are all getting fed, the house is getting clean, & I am taking care of one little life who needs me more than anyone else does.
My husband is employee, business owner, construction worker, daddy, mommy, maid, & care giver.
And, he's those things with this smile, this joy, and this devotion that make me feel like I can surrender.

I can learn this thing called: rest.
I can find this thing called: stillness.
I can search this thing called: grace
I can be everything I need to be: at peace, in Him, in love, and in restful excitement for this brief moment before we welcome our new one home.
This baby will bring change and a new start to three people who can't imagine a different life from what we live but will soon not know how we lived without our new addition.

Off I go now to rest in a new peace caring for one and being cared for by all.

Thank you, Family & Friends.
THANK YOU!

How to Know When You're Ready for #2

I'm 10 weeks out from D-Day.

I'm pretty sure no one, including myself, really thought the day a #2 would be announced would ever really happen.

If you've been around this blog for any period of time, a common theme of mine has been my struggle with motherhood.

If this is your first time here, I should clarify- my struggle has never been with my son, it's

always been about me.

I think the odds are inevitably stacked against you if you

a) SURPRISE-got knocked up.

b) have no close circle friends with kids & you're the pioneer

c) will be a working mom when you don't want to be OR it's NEVER been done before in your family...as in, EVER

Mix those ingredients all together, and you get a...mess/disaster/self destructive catastrophe.

So, it appears I got over it, right?

I mean, I DID elect to shoot for the moon and add another one, right?!

I'm not sure I'm actually over any of the things that I struggled with the first go round but two things are different:

1: We planned this one (more accurately, we worked for this one).

2: I'm not the only one in the friend circle with a kid any more - I am just the only one going on #2 (crap)

How did I know I was ready?

I don't think I am ;)

We just knew that we wanted our son to have a sibling & we wanted our kids to be close in age.

There's a larger gap between #1 & #2 then we anticipated but, there's that little truth:

"We can make our plans, but the Lord determines our steps." Proverbs 16:9

Here's the difference between going from 0-1 then going from 1-2:

I'm not stupid this time.

I know what to expect in this rodeo & I know it ain't all magic & rainbows--

It's stitches, gauze panties, leaky boobs, sleepless nights, a whole lot of emotional break downs, & some damn good sweetness, too.

This time, there's a bit of apprehension:

crap: how do I divide in two (aside from physically, cuz I know how that one works!)? how will I get one kid to work with me and pick one up when my work day is done? how do I get in and out of a grocery store with a toddler & a newborn?

(Ok, now I have to stop putting the questions out here in the universe because I'm giving myself contractions.)

All this to say, for me, I don't think there ever IS a ready for #2.

There wasn't even a ready for #1.

It's just a choice, and you make it, and you do it.

You have your good moments & your bad ones.

You have your smiles & you have your tears.

I must say though, I am super excited to meet this little one!

I'm excited to finally have a name, to put the room together but I'm also taking the time to savor what's left of my time with my son.

Oh the journey....

The Day It All Made Sense

{journaling from June 8}

I hopped in the car this morning and headed to work.
A little groggy, a little worn down, but in my routine.

I backed out and turned on the radio to the usual: KLOVE and there was a beautiful new song
Beautiful Things by Gungor
It's a simple song with a perfect message:
"You make beautiful things out of dust. You make beautiful things out of us."

I rested on it

The day unfolded with nothing special.
It included the mundane, the frustrating, the witnessing of hurting hearts.

It wrapped up quite differently.Back in April my mommy-heart was shaken.
As my husband found employment, we found my son without someone to care for him.
At the words of our previous daycare provider,

"We haven't saved a spot for him in his absence,"
I broke.

It was my last straw, my glass is now empty, my "I'm done."

I found myself in my office parking lot hiding behind a car and crying on the phone to my friend:
Where am I going to take my son? Who is going to care for him? How am I going to make this work?

At the time I couldn't see the plan.
I felt attacked, defeated, and so frustrated.
I no longer had the physical or emotional strength to carry my family as I felt I had been.
While I had been relying on Him & I sure did have faith, my human body was tired and I, in that moment, felt alone with too much change!

Today what happened in April became so clear that I saw my God looking down on me with a smile and saying,
"I knew what I was doing, Daughter. I love you. I go before you in everything."

I was so overwhelmed by what He had saved my family from, what He had delivered us into in advance without my knowing that all I could do was tear up and praise His name.
All I could do was return the glory to Him.

Not everything that happens in life comes with a clear "here's the reason why" answer at the end like I received today.

Many times, that's a really hard thing to take and we spend years asking the big question WHY but faith isn't about having the answers.
I know that regardless of what is clearly revealed tome, everything that happens DOES happen for a reason! Ultimately, His plan is far superior than my own.

Oh, He is Good!

Grow Baby Grow....

Just saying a quick HELLO and sharing a little bit of the fun that's going on in our busy life!

Officially in the 3rd trimester and sadly, I've been bad at taking pictures of my growing babe but here are at least two:

I'm feeling HUGE and yet, there's still time to get BIGGA!

This past weekend was a good one!
We made a home made picnic and headed to the beach for a Vintage Trailer Show!
LOVE!
( and There's something about sandwich papers that make a picnic fun to make and fun to eat.)

Work has had both the hus and I busy, busy, BUSY this week but his job has lots of creative juices flowing!
These beautiful flowers got to come home with us after a fun day at the office for him.

It's really nice to take a break to focus on the happy & the good amidst all the chaos.

Blessings!

Simply Thankful

I've been somewhere new lately.
A place that's just mine and a place that belongs to me but I'm here.
It's a place of choice and intention.
It's a place of battle and a place of peace.
It's a place of surrender and a state of grace.

Today I just find myself smiling about some largely little things
and I'm thankful.I unexpectedly have a preschooler.
In two weeks, who he IS has grown.
My son--my little boy--is growing and as he does, so do I.
His pride, his enthusiasm, his independence, his JOY for where he is and who he is able to see in himself is changing him!
I am THANKFUL that our decision to place him where he is has been confirmed.
I am THANKFUL that God took us from where we were sooner than expected--while it broke my heart, He had it orchestrated like a symphony.
Oh, if only I could truly paint the picture of how perfectly He planned it!
But I guess some things are for us to know alone in our walk with Him.

I am THANKFUL for his teacher!
She reassures me. She shows me how to treat him as a boy and not a baby.
What a gift to see someone see your own as a treasure to them as well!

I am THANKFUL for my husband's new journey.
His journey is one I am watching and wanting for myself.
How to be somewhere you know you should be?
I want that for me.

I am THANKFUL that I am HEARING HIS VOICE
and I am not willing to bury my head any more and hope to hear something different tomorrow.
I am THANKFUL He told me--clearly spoke to me--about parenting.
I am THANKFUL he has given me friends who have shown me what a blessing my family is.
I am THANKFUL I have a church that inspires me, feeds me, grows me even if I can't physically be there.
I'm THANKFUL for the willingness to make decisions that are for our son--for our family's future.
I am THANKFUL for PRAYER--oh my gosh, I am so thankful for prayer!
I am THANKFUL for Christian revolutionaries like Rick Warren, Joyce Meyer, & Stormie Omartian who feed me with truth--swords for the battle!
I am THANKFUL that He is at work in me and on my heart.

I am THANKFUL for unexpected hugs from a little boy I just met.
I am THANKFUL for a new friend who is so purely honest it reopened me.
I am THANKFUL for a friend who is simply there and always willing & waiting.
I am THANKFUL for the lies that are being dispelled by truth and the strength He is giving me to fight.

I am LOVED.
So very LOVED.
And for that--I am SO THANKFUL!

I am simply--THANKFUL

Holy Vision in the Mess

This weekend was the weekend of attack.

From a dream that was so real I couldn't shake it on Saturday morning
to the parenting attacks of doubt and wrapping up with the attack on my joy for my life,
the weekend rocked me.I sent a tweet out into cyberspace wondering early Saturday morning if my cleaning rampage was that of a nesting mother or one of a woman who was venting her life frustrations with Clorox & Endust.
The answer was quickly revealed: I was venting.

I had been robbed and I didn't know how to reclaim what I seemingly handed off willingly to the enemy: my joy.

.......

I'm reading a book that has been challenging me.
The diction and syntax make me read like a first grader--slow and steady--but I got to a chapter this weekend that made sense!
Pages littered in pink highlighter and a journal filled with things I wanted to remember, I had been heart struck.

In the book One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp, she asks one of many big questions but one hit home:

"How do I have the holy vision in the mess?"My husband has a saying that is polar opposite from how I think:
"Circumstances stink, but life is simple."
His statement constantly hits me upside the head and I internally react with,
"What life are you living? This is NOT simple!"
Ann's question seemed to reiterate the very statement I hold hands with, sleep beside, and kiss every day yet battle because it's not how I feel inside.

So I went through my other highlighted portions and I summarized the answer to the question:

"How do I have the holy vision in the mess?"

1. I need to "transfigure the mess into joy with thanks." p. 125
2. I need to "speak the unseen into seeing." p. 128
3. I need to "look to the Largeness behind all the smallness." p. 128
4. I need to "give thanks to keep the gaze on heaven." p. 128
5. In order to "see the glory," I need to "name the graces." p. 129
   

Damn, that all sounds hard but as Ann says, "When I choose--and it is a choice--to crush joy with bitterness [I am] purposefully choosing to take the way of the Prince of Darkness. Choosing the angry way of Lucifer because I think it is more effective--more expedient--than giving thanks."

I must say, I hate (and simultaneously love as well as appreciate) the growing pains of seeing myself and knowing that I am the problem in my own life.
It hurts-it sucks-it's frustrating and ultimately the resolution resides with me and my choice to wrestle it out with God.
Just because I feel like I'm an incompetent parent, unappreciated & easily replaceable member of society, unloved, or forgotten person does not make it real. "Feelings work faster than thoughts...[and] the only way to fight a feeling is with a feeling...Feel thanks and it's absolutely impossible to feel angry."

......

I think I'll be pondering all of this for awhile.
I'll be wrestling with this deeply.