The Day It All Made Sense

{journaling from June 8}

I hopped in the car this morning and headed to work.
A little groggy, a little worn down, but in my routine.

I backed out and turned on the radio to the usual: KLOVE and there was a beautiful new song
Beautiful Things by Gungor
It's a simple song with a perfect message:
"You make beautiful things out of dust. You make beautiful things out of us."

I rested on it

The day unfolded with nothing special.
It included the mundane, the frustrating, the witnessing of hurting hearts.

It wrapped up quite differently.Back in April my mommy-heart was shaken.
As my husband found employment, we found my son without someone to care for him.
At the words of our previous daycare provider,

"We haven't saved a spot for him in his absence,"
I broke.

It was my last straw, my glass is now empty, my "I'm done."

I found myself in my office parking lot hiding behind a car and crying on the phone to my friend:
Where am I going to take my son? Who is going to care for him? How am I going to make this work?

At the time I couldn't see the plan.
I felt attacked, defeated, and so frustrated.
I no longer had the physical or emotional strength to carry my family as I felt I had been.
While I had been relying on Him & I sure did have faith, my human body was tired and I, in that moment, felt alone with too much change!

Today what happened in April became so clear that I saw my God looking down on me with a smile and saying,
"I knew what I was doing, Daughter. I love you. I go before you in everything."

I was so overwhelmed by what He had saved my family from, what He had delivered us into in advance without my knowing that all I could do was tear up and praise His name.
All I could do was return the glory to Him.

Not everything that happens in life comes with a clear "here's the reason why" answer at the end like I received today.

Many times, that's a really hard thing to take and we spend years asking the big question WHY but faith isn't about having the answers.
I know that regardless of what is clearly revealed tome, everything that happens DOES happen for a reason! Ultimately, His plan is far superior than my own.

Oh, He is Good!

Grow Baby Grow....

Just saying a quick HELLO and sharing a little bit of the fun that's going on in our busy life!

Officially in the 3rd trimester and sadly, I've been bad at taking pictures of my growing babe but here are at least two:

I'm feeling HUGE and yet, there's still time to get BIGGA!

This past weekend was a good one!
We made a home made picnic and headed to the beach for a Vintage Trailer Show!
LOVE!
( and There's something about sandwich papers that make a picnic fun to make and fun to eat.)

Work has had both the hus and I busy, busy, BUSY this week but his job has lots of creative juices flowing!
These beautiful flowers got to come home with us after a fun day at the office for him.

It's really nice to take a break to focus on the happy & the good amidst all the chaos.

Blessings!

Simply Thankful

I've been somewhere new lately.
A place that's just mine and a place that belongs to me but I'm here.
It's a place of choice and intention.
It's a place of battle and a place of peace.
It's a place of surrender and a state of grace.

Today I just find myself smiling about some largely little things
and I'm thankful.I unexpectedly have a preschooler.
In two weeks, who he IS has grown.
My son--my little boy--is growing and as he does, so do I.
His pride, his enthusiasm, his independence, his JOY for where he is and who he is able to see in himself is changing him!
I am THANKFUL that our decision to place him where he is has been confirmed.
I am THANKFUL that God took us from where we were sooner than expected--while it broke my heart, He had it orchestrated like a symphony.
Oh, if only I could truly paint the picture of how perfectly He planned it!
But I guess some things are for us to know alone in our walk with Him.

I am THANKFUL for his teacher!
She reassures me. She shows me how to treat him as a boy and not a baby.
What a gift to see someone see your own as a treasure to them as well!

I am THANKFUL for my husband's new journey.
His journey is one I am watching and wanting for myself.
How to be somewhere you know you should be?
I want that for me.

I am THANKFUL that I am HEARING HIS VOICE
and I am not willing to bury my head any more and hope to hear something different tomorrow.
I am THANKFUL He told me--clearly spoke to me--about parenting.
I am THANKFUL he has given me friends who have shown me what a blessing my family is.
I am THANKFUL I have a church that inspires me, feeds me, grows me even if I can't physically be there.
I'm THANKFUL for the willingness to make decisions that are for our son--for our family's future.
I am THANKFUL for PRAYER--oh my gosh, I am so thankful for prayer!
I am THANKFUL for Christian revolutionaries like Rick Warren, Joyce Meyer, & Stormie Omartian who feed me with truth--swords for the battle!
I am THANKFUL that He is at work in me and on my heart.

I am THANKFUL for unexpected hugs from a little boy I just met.
I am THANKFUL for a new friend who is so purely honest it reopened me.
I am THANKFUL for a friend who is simply there and always willing & waiting.
I am THANKFUL for the lies that are being dispelled by truth and the strength He is giving me to fight.

I am LOVED.
So very LOVED.
And for that--I am SO THANKFUL!

I am simply--THANKFUL

Holy Vision in the Mess

This weekend was the weekend of attack.

From a dream that was so real I couldn't shake it on Saturday morning
to the parenting attacks of doubt and wrapping up with the attack on my joy for my life,
the weekend rocked me.I sent a tweet out into cyberspace wondering early Saturday morning if my cleaning rampage was that of a nesting mother or one of a woman who was venting her life frustrations with Clorox & Endust.
The answer was quickly revealed: I was venting.

I had been robbed and I didn't know how to reclaim what I seemingly handed off willingly to the enemy: my joy.

.......

I'm reading a book that has been challenging me.
The diction and syntax make me read like a first grader--slow and steady--but I got to a chapter this weekend that made sense!
Pages littered in pink highlighter and a journal filled with things I wanted to remember, I had been heart struck.

In the book One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp, she asks one of many big questions but one hit home:

"How do I have the holy vision in the mess?"My husband has a saying that is polar opposite from how I think:
"Circumstances stink, but life is simple."
His statement constantly hits me upside the head and I internally react with,
"What life are you living? This is NOT simple!"
Ann's question seemed to reiterate the very statement I hold hands with, sleep beside, and kiss every day yet battle because it's not how I feel inside.

So I went through my other highlighted portions and I summarized the answer to the question:

"How do I have the holy vision in the mess?"

1. I need to "transfigure the mess into joy with thanks." p. 125
2. I need to "speak the unseen into seeing." p. 128
3. I need to "look to the Largeness behind all the smallness." p. 128
4. I need to "give thanks to keep the gaze on heaven." p. 128
5. In order to "see the glory," I need to "name the graces." p. 129
   

Damn, that all sounds hard but as Ann says, "When I choose--and it is a choice--to crush joy with bitterness [I am] purposefully choosing to take the way of the Prince of Darkness. Choosing the angry way of Lucifer because I think it is more effective--more expedient--than giving thanks."

I must say, I hate (and simultaneously love as well as appreciate) the growing pains of seeing myself and knowing that I am the problem in my own life.
It hurts-it sucks-it's frustrating and ultimately the resolution resides with me and my choice to wrestle it out with God.
Just because I feel like I'm an incompetent parent, unappreciated & easily replaceable member of society, unloved, or forgotten person does not make it real. "Feelings work faster than thoughts...[and] the only way to fight a feeling is with a feeling...Feel thanks and it's absolutely impossible to feel angry."

......

I think I'll be pondering all of this for awhile.
I'll be wrestling with this deeply.

3

This year, I have an Easter Baby ;)My little man is turning 3.

I'm not quite sure where the time has gone, but for all of those long days, the years sure have been short!

This little tiny person changed everything about me (and still does).
He makes me vulnerable and makes me strong.
He makes me protective and he makes me independent.
He makes me smile and there are moments he makes me cry.

He's my personal paradox.

I see my weakness and I see my strength.
I feel my exhaustion and I live my enthusiasm.
I watch him and I see who he is and I heal the little girl that I was.

He is my challenge, my rescue, and he is my point of grace.

This Sunday when we celebrate that He Is Risen,
I will also celebrate the beauty that has come from my ashes,
I will celebrate my son.

Happy Birthday to my growing boy & Happy Easter to ALL!

24 Weeks

You know those women who just....GLOW....when they're pregnant?
The ones that never get sick, barely gain a pound, could run a marathon...
Yeahhh...that's not me.
I've officially decided
I'm a Show-er, NOT a Glower.

Although I may not shine and rock it like a petite, peppy, energetic little mama,
I'm SO grateful to be here and with this little one after our loss last year.

I may be that girl that is sick the entire pregnancy and barely gets through a work day.
I may be that prego that aches sooner than normal & waddles earlier than I should
Like I said...
I'm a show-er, NOT a glower
but I AM grateful, blessed, and cherishing this little life I feel moving every day!

While I may not have that physical glow, my heart sure shines insides :)

{photos by christanp photography}

Dear Son, Life is Changing....

Dear Son,

I know your world has been different lately.
I know in it, there have been blessings--like unlimited time with your Daddy.
I know we as your parents have been waiting to see where God would take us and while we waited on Him, you waited on us.
You looked to us for your safety, your security, your peace.
I know there were days I didn't give that to you.
Days I was too tired, to empty, or just in my space seeking Him.
Thank you for the smiles you gave us, the laughs you provided, the "look at me!'s" the "let me show you!'s" that pulled me out of where I was and challenged me to say YES to you and NO to the things I thought I should be focusing on.

Life is changing again.
We are so blessed that Daddy has a new job that he will start on Monday!
In the time you had with him, you talked more, your sense of humor grew with him, you learned more than I could have imagined.
I'd come home from work and there was my boy: going potty like a big boy, singing Twinkle Twinkle Little Star, and learning your ABCs.
In that time you had with him, the window of you being our one and only shrunk and mommy's heart started skipping beats....
how could I protect you from all this change you feel too fragile for?
Wait...
I think the fragile one is me.

I thought I knew where you would be going back to.
I thought you'd go back to your daycare and life would pick up as usual until August.
I can't protect you from that change, I can only prepare you.
In August you will become a big brother & start preschool.
Such amazing things!
Now that the unexpected news came that there's no space for you to return to the daycare you are use to (that I am use to), I feel like I have failed you.


You did not ask for two parents who worked.
You did not ask to become a Big Brother and lose our undivided attention.
But the truth is, those two things are not our parental failures (even though they feel that way).
They our are parental challenges and above all GIFTS to you.
You get to learn to play with others while we work to provide for our family.
You get to share your world with a sibling who will forever be in your life.
YOUR STORY IS NOT MINE.
You will have a relationship of love with your sibling because there won't be anyone dividing you and you will have a lifelong friend.

Every day as your mother, my love, I find ways that I want to love you more, give you a better world, protect you from evil, and I am challenged. I am challenged to remember that your time on this earth and with me is on loan.
Your story is not mine.
My experiences are not yours.
You deserve to be who YOU are and this will not be the last time I think my fears are yours, but I will try.
I will try to give you YOUR moments here.

Life is changing my, son.
I love you.