.:.when time slips away.:.

This has been a long day proceeding a wonderful week.

After seven hours of waiting in an airport to eventually end up on a bus in order to take our first of two flights + a 4 hour drive I find myself heavy with thoughts.

I'm not quite sure how to begin or where to start, if a beginning even exists, because my heart is wrapped up in years of moments that tingle with strong emotion.

For the last week my boys and I have spent our first long family vacation with my dad and my step mom in Ketchum (Idaho, not Oklahoma ;)I'm 27.
Seems irrelevant but valid in this case.
For 23 years I didn't have a relationship with my dad-I've said it before, I know.
One of my first fights with my now-husband was over my broken relationship with my dad.
While he desired to marry a woman that was whole I believed he had no right to speak into that part of my life.
Four years later, it is because of him that I am able to see my dad--that I am able to talk to him.
It is because of my husband acting as a bridge that I cry every time my Dad and I part.
EVERY TIME.
The only way I can explain it is that this overwhelming need to never lose another moment washes over me.
I weep not for the moments I lost necessarily but for all of the present I want to build.
I don't want any memory I make now to end but to keep going.

As we hopped on the bus today and headed to an airport sans-fog
I wept into my shirt sleeve and fought to silence the gasping breaths amongst total strangers.
When I was calm I asked my husband...
Do you think it's worse to have a friendship with your parents NOW if it meant not knowing them as a child
OR
Is it worse to ALWAYS be a child to the parents who you know and raised you in your youth?
I don't really believe there is an answer to that question.
What I do know is my husband I struggle immensely with the parents who raised us.
In their eyes, we are always children.
We are never adult enough to make our own decisions without a heaping spoonful of guilt to salt the batter.
We are never free of who we were as a child, but permanently frozen in who they knew us to be.
What I do know is the despite the absence of my biological father for whatever truths there truly are
I had a wonderful man I also call Dad raise me.
And lastly, what I know is the type of relationship I want with my son.
Ironically, I desire the relationship with my son that I have now with the Dad I am just now getting to know.
To him, I am an individual worth knowing. I am both old and new. I am a baby and I am an adult.
Ultimately, I am someone he doesn't want to lose again.
This makes me valuable
not for how I can fulfill him
but for what he wants to learn about me.
I want eyes to see my son as an individual.
I want a heart who loves my son for who he is now and who he will become.
I want unending encouragement for his dreams.
I want endless love for him during his trials and his triumphs.
I want to let him go when I have to.
I want to follow him where he goes, not ask him to stay where I am.

All of the things I want somehow come from all I lost but have now found.

Committed to Handmade...

Thanks to Katie, I felt inspired to share a little of my Christmas progress...and dreams.
Can I tell you that I am completely addicted to Etsy and may need a program?
This is the MOST fun I have EVER had Christmas shopping.
(If ya didn't know, Gifts are totally my love language)
I put endless thought into purchases and Etsy makes me feel like what I buy is that much more special!
Anyway--here's what I've been up to.
What fun shops have YOU found?

Wishies for the MidgeChild Teepee by GracieBeanBaby

Made With Love T by RoslynsCloset

Things I have purchased thus far...Tiny Silver Circle Necklace by Roundabout

Sterling Silver Ball Marker by E.Ria Designs

Custom Superhero Cape from superflykidz

Special Occasion Cream Bloomfrom InHonorOf.etsy.com

Why Won't He SLLLLEEEEEEPPP!!!!!!!!!!!!

So I told you I had a great trip--I did.

What I didn't tell ya is...my kid still ain't sleepin'!!
It's wrecked my immune system and my body clock
which meant last night
I had a date with Tylenol Cold PM.

I don't know what happened.

What I heard was this:
I missed a 11:30 pm wake up all
I bypassed the 3:00 am hysterics

What I know is:
I woke up in my clothes from the day before.
Jeans--Chonies-T-Scarf....with my bathrobe over it all.
I also woke up with a toddler in my arms.
Vague notion of how he got there.

What I will admit is this:
That was the most amazing night's sleep I have possibly EVER had.
I actually went to work in the clothes I slept in--I just changed my pants....that's all I changed....
don't think to hard about it.
I could actually smell myself at about lunch time when I ran to the post office.
that's gross.
I ate two slices of pineapple pizza with white garlic sauce for lunch.
I had a mini Milkyway at 7:32 am.
I think Faith Hill's talking voice for her Pandora Parfum commercial is totally fugly and makes me think her perfume must smell like old women and church restrooms.

Oh the pay back I am getting for the years I acted like this:I'm judging myself
Have at it

"This life is light"

Who knew that this was just what I needed....It's not a sob story by any means, but having a job outside of my home means it's one more place where I divide.
There are days when I think being home would be a dream--
then the weekends come and I think,
"HOW do women DO this 24/7?!"
Something I have not had though is uninterrupted, hormonally balanced time to be my son's mom.

I was afraid to be in a car for a 5 hour drive not knowing what I'd do if he cried.
I was thisclose to NOT going at all.
Fear driven...
the "What if I SUCK and CAN'T DO THIS?!"

But, as the amazing Rosi Golan sings,
"I felt it in my heart, that it was time, a change of scenery
To get a little lost, to feel alive, and reach beyond me"

And I did it.
We did it.
With nothing to do but walk the meadows, run in the leaves, and throw rocks into the vineyards
we played like never before.
I watched my son without self-focus.
I loved him without interruption.
I left realizing...
It's harder than hell to do it on my own
(and thankfully I don't have to)
but I know, I am a damn good mom when I put my mind where my heart is.

Dear Baby Boy-
You won't remember this trip the way I do.
You won't tear up when you remember how I held you and we giggled between the vines.
You won't look back when you are eighteen and wonder where that little boy went like I will
and that's ok.
Because selfishly, this trip was all about me and my love for you.

It was about knowing who I can be for you.
Realizing there's a balance between building me and encouraging you-
Respecting time and it's brevity.

So when you ask,
"What was I like when I was a baby?"
I will tell you because I truly know:
You loved to smile.
You could stand in the dirt or in front of water and throw rocks for hours.
You were frightened by new noises and looked to those you trust to protect you.
You love trains because Great Grandpa got your hooked and chocolate because Great Grandma kept m&m's around the house for you to find.

When you forget who you are,
I will remind you.
When you just need to know,
I will tell you...
I LOVE YOU.

Mini Vacay!

Tomorrow is Veterans Day

and like a kid in grammar school
I have no real concept of what it means to observe this day
I only know that I get a paid holiday at work.
(You can't judge me! Even my mom admits that observing designated days where the Post Office closes meant she had one less day kid-free)
Anyhoo...
I decided a few weeks ago that this would be a great opportunity to pack up my midge and head to Napa.
While the husband would work, I'd take some vacation time for my Thursday and go visit the grandparents/great-grandparents respectively.
Their home is an oasis
(just ask Tracy)
It is our family mecca--my son's middle namesake.
It's just....special!4 days there with me and Midge?!

WHAT WAS I THINKING?!

Not going to say I have not been in debates as whether or not to go.
Wondering--four hours in the car--never done that!
four days of no help--haven't done that!
(My grandparents are children viewers, not children helpers. Bless them, they have many gifts but hands on interaction is not quite one of them...)
four days without my husband--done that and I know it's not my fave.
I'm going though.
I'm doing it.
Instead of looking at this as
"CAN I DO IT?!"
I'm deciding I will.
I have never had 4 days of just quiet with my midge.
I am going to learn what it means to be STILL
(I hope it doesn't kill me)
I am going to chase him around ponds, wrestle him in the grass, walk him through the meadows, meander through the fall struck vineyards, and throw him in big beds of down feathers.
I am going to do that--not because it will become his memory but because it will become mine!

Napa, here I come!

Don't forget today's F&F Giveaway from:

Roundabout Giveaway at F&F!

Friends!

In my delirium I completely forgot to remind you...

head to Frenchie & Flea today & simply leave a comment
(just make sure you're also a follower)!!

At 6:00 pm PST a winner will be chosen for this gorgeous locket from Roundabout Designs!

{Silver Heirloom Locket - $29.00}

8 hours...

...it's usually (if you aren't a parent) the amount of hours you sleep in a day.

if you're me, however, it's the amount of sleep you get in one entire weekend.no joke, i'm on my last leg.
my eyes feel like bowling balls and my head is swimming with this dizzy feeling.

if my kid does not sleep tonight
I AM GOING TO LOSE IT.
if midge does not stay in his bed...
if my hus does not wake up...
if midge tries to open the door one more time...
I AM GOING TO FUH-REAK OUT!
if i have to grab the bulb syringe and pin my child down one more time...
if i have get snot in my eye from one more sneeze...
if i get one more piece of macaroni thrown at my face...
THERE WILL BE NOTHING I CAN DO ABOUT IT
except
SCREAM
cry
B*tc&
MOAN
and pass out.

but for seriously...whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!!!!!!!!!
{insert breathy stuttered tears of utter frustration here}

hope you enjoyed the "it's a good decision to take a photo-booth pic of how tired i am on my computer, right?" image i shared with you all!
we don't have pudding here-
the proof comes in the pictures.

Handmade Holidays 2009!!

I am super, SUPER, SuPeR excited to share this with you!!
I have been working away with Emily this week on a super fun project
but it's also taken away from my time to write and visit you all so I'm sorry for that!
The good news is I swear you'll think this is so much better than reading what I have to say! :)

Starting on Monday, you will NOT want to miss visiting Frenchie & Flea for the next two weeks!

Emily & I took a Handmade Holiday Pledge.
This Christmas ALL of our gifts will be made by us or purchased from the hand making's of others.
12 Etsy Store owners have agreed to team up with us and each day for the next 12 business days we will be featuring one Etsy store + the store will be offering a giveaway!

The giveaways will happen EVERY day!
This means you CANNOT miss a day.
(ok you CAN but why would you want to?! :)
Leave a comment in the morning and you could win by dinner time!

No joke, you guys are going to FREAK out at what these amazingly talented women are giving away.
We REALLY hope this encourages you to support them and other locally owned shops or Etsy merchants!
SO. MUCH. FUN!!!

graphic above by Frenchie & Flea

Praise Report!

I wanted to share with you a Praise Report :)
Yesterday afternoon I went home, walked in the doors, and left.
Our whole house felt too heavy!

Last night when I returned with my son and my husband it was priority number one to open up the Bible and sit in his room and pray.

I have to admit,
I felt awkward telling my husband that I felt the evil presence again.
Before it could have been chalked up to crazy postpartum hormones
this time I had nothing else to excuse my senses with.

I told him what I felt and what I saw and the first thing he said was,
"I believe you."
The second thing he said was,
"Our son is not sleeping in that room until we feel it's OK."

We pulled out the Bible and opened it to Psalm 91.
It was the same scripture I read a year ago.
When I couldn't find my grown up bible, I busted out the one of my youth.
This time I saw a note on the scripture that said, "Thailand 2005"
I had forgotten about the warfare I felt there and how that scripture pulled me through when I was there.
We read the scripture allowed and I began to pray.
With a strong, AMEN, my husband said,
"Wait. I want to pray, too."
With that we began again and immediately his body was overcome with chills.
He stopped and said,
"Allegra! My body is physically reacting. I feel it!"
He began to pray like I'd never heard.
Commanding the devil out and inviting the angels in.
We kept at it until we felt the peace flowing--
and it did!

We filled the room with K-LOVE that night and kept the scripture open on the changing table.

The peace we felt after that was overwhelming.

We will continue to pray for our home and hearts protection.

THANK YOU for praying!! THANK YOU!!!

Angels, be present!

There are a lot of things I do that could qualify me as crazy: I won't walk on our bathroom floor in bare feet, I won't build a sand castle because I hate getting my hands dirt-dirty, I won't use the utensils at work because they're washed with a sponge vs. a dishwasher...

There are other things that make me feel crazy but I have to acknowledge I'm not.
Spiritual sensitivity.

In this area that makes me feel crazy, I have to resist the urge to say, "I'm making this up," and to press forward in prayer and invitation toward others to pray with me.

When my son was about three months old I began having vivid visualizations and feelings of the presence of evil in our home. It scared me, it forced me out of my house, and it made me invite prayer warriors in. What I learned in a more real way than I ever had was that spiritual warfare was alive and active.

It has been a little over a year since I have felt anything like that in our home but recently it has returned. For the past two weeks, my son has awoken in the night around midnight routinely, crying. Every time I go to him, I walk in his room and feel scared. I feel something beyond my understanding.

I crawled into his bed with him last night as he screamed. I faced him and the wall and I had a very strong fear of keeping my back to the door. I eased myself out of his bed as he calmed down to lay on the floor but felt fear again. I did not want to lay myself down beside his bed, I felt there was something under it. I felt surrounded by a presence of evil in the most innocent room in our home.

I began to pray again as I do when I tuck him in, "Lord, put your angels in all four corners of his room, put your angels above all four corners of his bed..."

As I tried to fall asleep myself, I was struck with anxiety. My life felt like chaos. I felt like any decision I made or have been considering was wrong. My body was seized with a racing heart and the weight of my own bloodstream surging through my veins.

I am overwhelmed with a presence of something that seems crazy but is so real! If you have a moment today, would you say a prayer for our home? Specifically, would you pray that His presence come in, in abundance, that His truth be all that the walls of our home can hear, that our son's room be erased of all evil and surrounded in the sounds of angels breathing.

His love abounds!

Gettin' Crafty

Sorry for the Debbie Downer who visited my blog yesterday.

She sure was as fun as an episiotomy.
{but seriously, right?}
All of your love and empathy/sympathy touched me.
The verses of encouragement reminded me to keep pushing!!
thank you :)

So on to some fun stuff.
The stuff I've been busy-ing my brain with.
Frenchie & Flea has been going wild with fun projects and Christmas crafts so I thought I'd shamelessly plug a few here for ya (click images to see in store):

Silhouettes

Burlap Wine Bag

Holiday Card Set

Burlap Scrabble
Houndstooth & Leopard Gift Tags

F&F is getting ready for a BIG Event that will start on Monday.
You just may see a few of your favorite Etsy stores along the way and a few that may be new to you.
This Christmas is the Hand Made Christmas in our house.
We'll buy hand made or make hand made :)
If you like winning stuff, F&F will be your favorite place for about two week0 starting Monday :)
I'm just sayin...

Where's Me?

It's been a while.

I've felt lost.
I've felt disconnected.
I've felt so...unlike me.
Do you ever miss yourself sometimes?
Wonder why you run around crazy and what you do it for?

Last week was a crazy week.
My Dad made a semi-surprise stop in town after a business trip.
The thing about having my dad visit is...it's completely emotional.
Usually when he leaves, I cry like I'll never see him again.
This time, I didn't cry, I filled the emptiness up with busy-ness.
Now...now I just feel heavy from the running.Remember how I was reading Life's Healing Choices?
I was doing really well and sharing the journey with you.
I hit Choice 4 and I've been on standby ever since.
Pastor Rick Warren said it would be the toughest Choice.
The Choice that most people stop at.
The Choice has kicked my spiritual and emotional asphinctor says what?
(No Wayne's World Fans? Oh well, then it's kicked my @$$)
The Choice itself has not left me heavy...not completing it has.
It's time to move forward and complete the chapter.

So, there's my Dad visiting + the healing I'm working on.
Can we throw Halloween and an early Thanksgiving on top of it?
I seemed to dive right into the deep end of "I'm not feeling this because if I do, I'll implode."
I think I just need a good cry--I can feel the lump in my throat--I just can't let it out.Here's the thing...
a lot of healing I need to do stems from my relationship with my dad.
I didn't have a relationship with him until I was 25.
Before then...well, before then I understood myself only by how I felt defined by how horrendous the "relationship" was.
Now when I see him, I fall apart not wanting him to leave, not wanting to miss another minute.
I feel like I have lost time to make up for.
Scars that need the Neosporin that is his presence.
Our relationship is a constant reminder of the parent I don't want to be and the child in me I want to fix.
Needless to say--
I miss me.
I miss the me that can afford to hear my husband when he speaks,
the me that can hold my son without an ache of sadness that I didn't have what he has,
the me that functions.
I just need a moment.
I just have to cry before I can be ok again.

{pictures from our Halloween and 1st Thanksgiving of the Season}