My Lips In Stitches

The Storm

2011-10-19T22:45:00.000-07:00

It happens when you can't even think anymore.

When you're out of questions, out of possibilities, out of the energy to imagine.

The truth.It cracks like thunder on a still, warm night.
You clutch the sheets that hold you safe and inside every inch of you falls to your knees.
You know what's next
and there it is
the rain.
It dumps down and the room closes in.
You feel how small you are in the moments you realize how big He is.

It happens when you feel like you can't hold out hope anymore.
He reaches down and holds on to you, gripping life for you.

It's a book that flies open to a chapter you needed to read.
A card that falls off a table you've neglected to clean and you needed to see.
He's there
and you can't deny Him
you can't deny yourself of Him.

The lightning fills the rooms
1-2-3
CRACK
the storm is closer than you thought.

Lord hold me.

Father, I hear you.
I don't want to spend my life chasing after a dream that you aren't blessing.
I want to be living the dream You put on my heart.
I want to cling to You and not to my dreams.
I want a life that is secure in You
and if that means I have to let go of MY plan, show me how.

My knuckles are white from clutching the bedsheets while the storm hails down.

The truth:
"Insecurity is a lack of faith. And a lack of faith is sin."

I am utterly dependent on You.
Oh how often I forget this.
I forget it when I feel like I'm writing the checks alone.
when I feel like I'm at the mercy of others.
when I feel...

One dream.
3.5 years.
What now?

The Imminent End

2011-10-18T20:32:00.000-07:00

He talks like things have changed

like the future has unfolded the way we dreamed it would one day.
He speaks with hope
relentless trust
belief
with faith.

But here I am
feeling like life is happening to me.Here I am...
damn it's familiar.
The hourglass emptying now and instead of moving forward I'm watching it...
can't take my eyes off of it.
I'll trade in my mommy role for the working mama one.

He talks like things have changed...
like I'll still be here when the sun is up taking care of the life we've built proudly
but I won't be.
He says I can be
but I'd be leveraging our future
leveraging on the coat tails of hope.

But here I am
feeling like I'm without a purpose that could help us make ends meet.

Here I am...
damn it aches.
Playing that comparison game
asking God why our life doesn't look different here
knowing that all I want to do
truly
is emotionally provide for the family I have been given.

Working Mama.
Diaper bag on one arm and briefcase on the other.
It's coming
but he talks like things have changed
and while he believes
I...
I just need to catch my breath.

From Love to Loved

2011-10-17T20:21:00.001-07:00

I am haunted by the existence of the past tense
how the thoughts we share of each other can change from is to was.

In one swift moment, any of us can be in the moment of saying "I love you" and then, without even realizing the clock is ticking away your time, force you to say, "I loved you."

We move from making memories to simply remembering them, cherishing them, boxing them up afraid we'll forget them, pulling them up, begging for more and hoping the ones we have aren't ones we wish we could undo.
In the past three months I have cried as two women changed from women I know to women I have known.
A hammer to the heart.
There it is.
They are no longer here and somehow the world is still allowed to turn.

I replay the weekend and my heart can't catch up with my head.

Love is an act we can all relate to: butterflies, obsession, excitement.
Sadness, Anger, Frustration all tied by the same ability to understand what they look like
but grief?
No.
Grief will strip you down and even take your shoes so when you try to run, you feel every awkward step as you break down and are exposed.
None of us process it the same & the spectrum is shocking.

How raw do we become?
How deeply to we unravel?
How together do we remain?

Am I allowed to hurt this badly?
Am I close enough to the loss to cry if they are not?
Why are they laughing & smiling?

I want to be alone.
They are afraid to be.
I lose myself in my head.
They lose themselves in a glass hoping each sip numbs this...
this reality
for just a little bit longer.

The chaos swirls and those still here are forced to admit
it's over now.
But we dance, eat, breathe, and move in the shell of where she lived
and it feels wrong.
It feels WRONG.
She died here.
Everywhere are stitches of her love sewn into the walls and the post it notes stuck around the walls because there was time...
they thought.

We live here.
She lived here.
We are waiting to rise.
She has risen.

Grief.
I love(d) her.

He's Here

2011-10-08T23:05:00.001-07:00

My baby boy arrived two months ago and slowly, I'm emerging into my newness and settling into life with two beautiful, healthy boys.

6 lbs. 11 oz
teeny tiny in comparison to his brother but they could not have looked more alike the first day.
He's sweet, gentle, happy, & particular.
He loves to be held, will smile and coo when he's talked to, & completes our family.
He's an eater--that's for sure--but still small.
I try to get my time in with him but admittedly, life with a toddler & a newborn presents it's challenges...
one mommy + two boys = not enough of me.

Oh there's so much more to come but I had to start somewhere...after so long.i'm on my way back.
i just have to figure out--where do i start?!

It's a New Day

2011-07-29T15:48:00.000-07:00

My poor husband came home last night and it just took one look for him to know I'd been crying my eyes out.

(Actually, it wouldn't have taken a genius because one look in the mirror and I realized my mascara was everywhere!)

But, TODAY IS A NEW DAY!

Today I grabbed some of my baby books and started reading.

With my first pregnancy I was given a book that I completely ignored.
It was TOO overwhelming to me and felt incredibly intense.
The book is called My First 300 Babies.

Know it?

Well, I opened it up today and started pouring over the pages and with this baby,
I'm convinced I want to use this manual.

Granted,
I'm a planner.
I love me a good schedule.
I adore routines.

I think what held me up last time was I decided to read the book once I had my son.
(bad idea)
This time I know there's more to think about and I know a bit more of what I need to prepare for.

So reading through the book today calmed me down.
Yah, the schedule is intense but it's also seemingly FREEING!

I can think of a few people who are going to consider me to be a nazi parent on this one.
Perhaps a few people who aren't going to like the limited waking hours the baby will have to be held or played with
but ya know what
our house, our kids, our rules ;)

The greatest thing I took away from today's reading?
Pg. 56 A Child's Natural Acceptance of a New Baby
"What child is not overjoyed at the thought of a new little brother or sister? Their childlike acceptance is natural, and this attitude should be the expected by the parents, rather than any negative behavior. There should be no need of gifts being brought to the other children when the infant is being favored. It is their happy opportunity to learn to share as a family, with no sense of being deprived in any way. Again I say, this thinking does not originate in the thoughts of the child; so parents, expect this childlike acceptance."

Oh the freedom that can come with a bit of studying, a bit of advice, and A LOT of surrender!

The {UN}shining

2011-07-28T21:13:00.000-07:00

I am days away from:

meeting my second baby
completing my family
starting overand suddenly

I'm
overwhelmed
& terrified.

I'm counting seconds of "what's left" vs. looking at the joy of what's to come
and I haven't felt this sad about it all until yesterday.

Yesterday when I heard my body wasn't doing what I was hoping it was.
Yesterday when my husband had to take my emotions & fears and protect me from myself.
Yesterday when that same husband had to take our delivery plan and disburse it amongst 6 adults that we call our parents that I can't control.
Yesterday when I started the cycle of self-defeat as I stared at my son:
Can I be enough for you?
Can I do this again?
Can I do this differently then I did the first time?
Can I protect myself from the potential for post partum since depression was a struggle in my past?
Can I....I'm sobbing tonight
unable to breathe out of my nose from a collection of uncontrollable weeping.
Even as I cry and empty out my fear, I have worship music on because
I know
I KNOW:
this is a really bad moment
my feelings are not truths
that my doubts and fears are lies
but in this moment
I am feeling them with every ounce of raw human that I am.

I'm counting seconds toward a goodbye tonight.
Staring at my life as a series of lasts instead of a hopeful hello to a slew of new firsts.
I feel desperate, alone, broken hearted, & so....sad.

I am fighting to FEEL the truth I know:
"Let no one caught in sin remain/inside the lie of inward shame/[I] fix [my] eyes upon the cross /and run to Him who shows great Love" ~Matt Maher, Christ is Risen

Father- I surrender!

Ready {Logistically Anyway}

2011-07-20T06:00:00.000-07:00

My due date is officially August 11 but when I was put on bed rest with a goal date of making it to July 14, mentally, my due date changed!
It now feels like I'm past due.

Initially July 14 came and went and I felt discouraged but now I'm good just waiting.
After all, with the use of my legs & mobility again, I'm a "free" woman.

Don't get me wrong.
My bags are packed
(& have been for 5 weeks...)

The build out the Hus was working on for the new office is complete so now the little one's room is ready.

And the gifts that the baby bought for his big brother are wrapped & ready for Big Brother to open when he meets the baby for the first time.

(Yes, already considerate and giving, the baby bought his big brother two trains for this Thomas the Train collection)

So it appears these last few weeks will be spent wondering:
Is my water going to break on my friend's leather couch?
Am I going to start having contractions & going into this unexpectedly?

And watching our big boy go through his own changes:
Not so excited that the baby has his own room with a rocker he can't call his (sad)
Waking up each morning asking if the the baby is awake and if he can hug him (sweet)

We are ready {Logistically Anyway...}

The {Misused} Strength of Silence

2011-07-19T09:41:00.000-07:00

I listened to a sermon by Rick Warren this weekend titled

"Making The Hard Changes In Me."

One of the main guiding questions of the message was,
"Why is is to hard to change myself?"

I listened & it resonated with my heart.

My defects come from three main places:
1. Biological - my genetics
2. Sociological - my background
3. Theological - my choices

Two things Pastor Rick Warren said that struck me about the places these defects come from were
*My defects are my attempts to meet my unmet needs.
*My defects are often my strengths being misused.Quite candidly, I have a defect of silence.
When I am angry, when I am hurt, when I need words of encouragement or thanks, I grow silent. For someone who loves words, I lose my ability to talk and I shut down. I wait for others to read my mind, know my heart, and fill the gap caused by my emotion.

This defect is both sociological & theological.

I went through something very traumatic at 14 that taught me to be silent, to write, that no one hears my cries. Silence became my sociological defect.
15 years later, silence is a theological defect because I know better.
I know I have voice, that I can be heard but I live in fear and lack of practice at speaking up and out.
Instead I write, I stew, I live in a silent turmoil until it bursts--most frequently passively and with the very select few, openly or aggressively.

On the flip side, my silence is also my strength.
My silence compels what I love, writing.
My experience with silence has caused me to champion for women's rights and volunteer with other organizations that fight for women's voices.

Now I have to figure out how to make what is more dominantly and unhealthily my defect into a permanent change of strength.

So, Why is so hard to change the defects?
The reason that was like a lightning bolt to me:
Because we identify with our weaknesses with statements like, "That's just the way I am."
This statement causes us to identify with our sin when the truth is, we are not our sin.

I loved Pastor Rick's clear example of how we identify with out sin.
He pointed out that in AA meetings, people introduce themselves as,
"My name is X & I am an alcoholic."
In Saddleback's Celebrate Recovery, they do things differently:
"My name is X. I am a Christian and I struggle with alcoholism."

What a profound difference in phrasing!
I am not my sin, I am a Christian who struggles with a sin!

So here I am.
Thinking about the truths of who I am.
Who I was genetically established as, who I became by my environment, and who I am by my choices.
The truth is, I am incredibly proud of who I am because I chose this version of me
but
I also have an incredibly long way I want to travel each day as I choose to be even more then who I am today.

It will happen--out loud & not in silence.

Competitive (Grand)Parenting

2011-07-13T05:59:00.000-07:00

When my husband and I were first married, we tried to please everyone:

my two sets of parents and his one set.
For all of you who have been there, you know, it's impossible for two people to please 4 parents let alone six or more nowadays.
Each set of parents comes with their own way of doing things, their own priorities, & perhaps worst of all, their own expectations.Attempts at making all 6 parents happy in our young relationship lead to total craziness and discontent on our hearts.
We attempted Christmases that hit three houses all hours apart from each other (this meant a three ring circus!)
I begged to elope because I couldn't handle the idea of my four parents competitive say in what I wore, who walked me down the aisle, and how the wedding was done.
We ultimately went crazy...
then we had our son.

At the birth of our son we had two of my parents who didn't make it and then a hospital waiting room with my mom & his mom.
Not only was my son born but so was a new form of competitive parenting and the birth of competitive grandparenting.

Between a Portuguese man and a Norwegian girl, we all expected a little brown haired, brown eyed baby, but what we got was a beautiful strawberry blonde, blue eyed boy.
Enter: CRAZY.
All of a sudden we had parents saying things like,
"His upper lip looks just like [his paternal grandpa's]."
I'm SERIOUS.
This was ACTUALLY said.
Everyone wanted a piece of this little boy.

Well, this little boy got older and most recently, especially with the onset of our upcoming addition, there's NEW crazy.
Crazy like:
if one grandparent gets our son a toy, the other grandparent has to.
if i refer to my son by his first & middle name, one grandparent force feeds him his first and last name.
if one grandparent hears our son say he loves another grandparent, the grandparent says, "what about me?"

Annnnd this is officially NOT Okay and where I coined the term "Competitive Grandparenting."

Each of our parents carries their own insecurities.
Two parents are insecure about another set's love language of gifts.
Another set of grandparents are insecure about another set's love language of time.
and so on...
Each set of parents is vying for the central focused love of our son & this is where I say
"HAIL NO!"

Growing up in a divorced and severely dysfunctional set of parental relationships,
I KNOW what it's like to walk on eggshells and feel like you can't love one parent in front of another.
This will NOT be tolerated for our kids.
We will soon have 2 precious babes that have EVERY RIGHT to
love
honor
respect
cherish
value
each one of their grandparents inside and outside of their relationship to each one.
The insecurities of these adults will NOT be placed on our kids to
cater to
bandaid
or fear
Our kids deserve to
talk about how they love x, y, z in front of whoever they want
to be excited about a gift received by x, y, or z
to be a kid who is loved by x, y, & z.

It's one thing to competitive Parent a married set of adults--
that's something each married couple has to go through and establish individual relationships with.
It's quite another to competitive Grandparent and as a protective mama bird, completely unacceptable.
It's true, I have a heightened sensitivity to it as a product of my 4 parents,
but I think it has made me a more aware parent.

Oh, how in need of love and how broken we all are in one area or another...

All Tucked In...

2011-07-12T14:51:00.000-07:00

Last night I got off of my side, out of my bed & broke the rules.

I broke them in the name of one little boy who needed his mommy--
my little boy.My little boy who's been this joyful light in my day.
My little boy who hasn't shown a sign of noticing Mommy hasn't been herself
other than his insatiable energy as loving hearts come in and entertain him while I can't.
Last night, he needed me
And I was there.

The curtains were drawn, his night light on, and the music gently bounced off of the walls that I pray over every night.
My little boy looked up at me and said,
"Don't want baby bruhder to come."
If a broken heart made a sound, you would have heard mine shatter to a crystal floor in that moment- clanking, shaking, crashing.
"Baby, you don't want baby brother?"
He quietly said, "Yes & No," and reached for my hand as he whimpered.

I let him feel his emotions and I took them in myself knowing he's allowed to feel like that but surprised he could...surprised he did.
A feeling like that, the ability to express it, seems so far past his tender three years to know.

"Mommy, you stay here til sun is out," he asked.
And I curled my growing tummy up next to him.
I shared his big boy bed with him as he pulled my arm around him and tucked my hand up under his chin.
"I love you, monkey," I whispered closely into his ear and brushed his sweaty hair from his forehead.

And I rested there, full of love & heavy heart, with my two boys.

Surviving Division

2011-06-30T08:29:00.000-07:00

What am I afraid to say, speak, and give light to here?

Who am I afraid I will offend, hurt, wound?
Everything.
Everyone.
There are some things, some people, one can define by brokenness.
Likewise, there are moments, or hearts, one can define by survival.
I am survival.
I am survival with scars that can be ripped open, scabs that can be peeled back, by the shards of glass that hide under rugs survival has carpeted over.
At the end of the day though, I am strength, determination, and Saved.

I was born to two and became one in a unit of 5.
5 one day became 4.
4 one day became 5...times two.
Then 5 became 3 with 2 remaining that floated between 4 and 5.
One 5 always missed one and one 3 often missing 2.
It's the math of divorce & division.
You find your number and you fight to survive in a broken whole.
And then one day, if you fight, you become 1.
1 apart from the broken division who can stand as an independent whole.

You stand up, you walk out, you choose a new life.
You choose to Saved.

I am not afraid to speak or give light to my rebirth.
Truly Saved.
I cannot be afraid to wound when I only speak of what my truth is.
My truth is light, love, and everlasting life.
He defined me by forgiveness, divine intervention, & healing.
And on this earth, I do carry scars.
Scars that can be reopened by the brokenness of others.
Scabs that can be peeled back by my own memories.

Today I saw a scar and I shed tears--
for the division of the original 5 and all the 1's and 2's within the 7 key players.
Another 2 will exist together and on the outside I stand.
But theirs is not mine and I cherish what my 2 is.
Sadness exists for what is
but as quickly as it hurts, I bandage the wound and acknowledge it's real and move on.
No sense wishing for something new.
This is the reality of an original 2 that birthed a web of 7 and all were original victims but none must remain there unless they choose it.

I choose survival.

image found here

Simple Joy

2011-06-28T06:00:00.000-07:00

Being still is new for me.
I'm someone who has a million things going on all at once.
Take away my ability to be employed and well, move, & here I am with a true gift.I have been finding myself LAUGHING--laughing hard--when my husband cracks a joke.
I see my son's cups, the tent he put over his bed, his pj's draped on his dresser and I smile vs. feel burdened.
I know I can't do the chores so I'm exercising my ability to ask for help & then let go knowing it won't be done how I would do it, but it will be done.

I'm relaxed.
I'm at peace.
I'm choosing to enjoy what will be a very brief moment in my life of silence & stillness.

I'm finding the simple to be the most beautiful- a bunch of sticks my son collects on a walk are now a treasure.

True gifts.
Simple Joy.

Love's Mercy

2011-06-27T11:57:00.000-07:00

Is help something that is hard for you to ask for?

It is for me.
I don't believe it's pride that makes it hard, I believe it's a mixture of not wanting to burden anyone & needing to stand on my own two feet.So what happened when I found I couldn't even stand on my own two feet?
I battle a stubborn desire to resist diagnosis & yet somehow force myself to surrender.

I am 33 weeks pregnant and recently I was put on total bed rest.
I have ONE goal: make it to July 14.
It's been a challenge to feel 100% mentally capable and yet know/feel my physical limitations.
So I lay in bed with my toddler at school and my husband at work and I rest.

I am at the mercy of those who love me & it's an overwhelming blessing to see the neighbor that delivers meals twice a week, the friends who volunteer to get our groceries, bring food, or help with our son and the family who shows up to put us first.
Somehow the baby's clothes are getting washed, the build out is getting completed, the office will eventually transform into the baby's room, the furniture is moving, the errands are getting run, we are all getting fed, the house is getting clean, & I am taking care of one little life who needs me more than anyone else does.
My husband is employee, business owner, construction worker, daddy, mommy, maid, & care giver.
And, he's those things with this smile, this joy, and this devotion that make me feel like I can surrender.

I can learn this thing called: rest.
I can find this thing called: stillness.
I can search this thing called: grace
I can be everything I need to be: at peace, in Him, in love, and in restful excitement for this brief moment before we welcome our new one home.
This baby will bring change and a new start to three people who can't imagine a different life from what we live but will soon not know how we lived without our new addition.

Off I go now to rest in a new peace caring for one and being cared for by all.

Thank you, Family & Friends.
THANK YOU!

How to Know When You're Ready for #2

2011-06-12T21:21:00.000-07:00

I'm 10 weeks out from D-Day.

I'm pretty sure no one, including myself, really thought the day a #2 would be announced would ever really happen.

If you've been around this blog for any period of time, a common theme of mine has been my struggle with motherhood.

If this is your first time here, I should clarify- my struggle has never been with my son, it's

always been about me.

I think the odds are inevitably stacked against you if you

a) SURPRISE-got knocked up.

b) have no close circle friends with kids & you're the pioneer

c) will be a working mom when you don't want to be OR it's NEVER been done before in your family...as in, EVER

Mix those ingredients all together, and you get a...mess/disaster/self destructive catastrophe.

So, it appears I got over it, right?

I mean, I DID elect to shoot for the moon and add another one, right?!

I'm not sure I'm actually over any of the things that I struggled with the first go round but two things are different:

1: We planned this one (more accurately, we worked for this one).

2: I'm not the only one in the friend circle with a kid any more - I am just the only one going on #2 (crap)

How did I know I was ready?

I don't think I am ;)

We just knew that we wanted our son to have a sibling & we wanted our kids to be close in age.

There's a larger gap between #1 & #2 then we anticipated but, there's that little truth:

"We can make our plans, but the Lord determines our steps." Proverbs 16:9

Here's the difference between going from 0-1 then going from 1-2:

I'm not stupid this time.

I know what to expect in this rodeo & I know it ain't all magic & rainbows--

It's stitches, gauze panties, leaky boobs, sleepless nights, a whole lot of emotional break downs, & some damn good sweetness, too.

This time, there's a bit of apprehension:

crap: how do I divide in two (aside from physically, cuz I know how that one works!)? how will I get one kid to work with me and pick one up when my work day is done? how do I get in and out of a grocery store with a toddler & a newborn?

(Ok, now I have to stop putting the questions out here in the universe because I'm giving myself contractions.)

All this to say, for me, I don't think there ever IS a ready for #2.

There wasn't even a ready for #1.

It's just a choice, and you make it, and you do it.

You have your good moments & your bad ones.

You have your smiles & you have your tears.

I must say though, I am super excited to meet this little one!

I'm excited to finally have a name, to put the room together but I'm also taking the time to savor what's left of my time with my son.

Oh the journey....

The Day It All Made Sense

2011-06-10T09:50:00.000-07:00

{journaling from June 8}

I hopped in the car this morning and headed to work.
A little groggy, a little worn down, but in my routine.

I backed out and turned on the radio to the usual: KLOVE and there was a beautiful new song
Beautiful Things by Gungor
It's a simple song with a perfect message:
"You make beautiful things out of dust. You make beautiful things out of us."

I rested on it

The day unfolded with nothing special.
It included the mundane, the frustrating, the witnessing of hurting hearts.

It wrapped up quite differently.Back in April my mommy-heart was shaken.
As my husband found employment, we found my son without someone to care for him.
At the words of our previous daycare provider,

"We haven't saved a spot for him in his absence,"
I broke.

It was my last straw, my glass is now empty, my "I'm done."

I found myself in my office parking lot hiding behind a car and crying on the phone to my friend:
Where am I going to take my son? Who is going to care for him? How am I going to make this work?

At the time I couldn't see the plan.
I felt attacked, defeated, and so frustrated.
I no longer had the physical or emotional strength to carry my family as I felt I had been.
While I had been relying on Him & I sure did have faith, my human body was tired and I, in that moment, felt alone with too much change!

Today what happened in April became so clear that I saw my God looking down on me with a smile and saying,
"I knew what I was doing, Daughter. I love you. I go before you in everything."

I was so overwhelmed by what He had saved my family from, what He had delivered us into in advance without my knowing that all I could do was tear up and praise His name.
All I could do was return the glory to Him.

Not everything that happens in life comes with a clear "here's the reason why" answer at the end like I received today.

Many times, that's a really hard thing to take and we spend years asking the big question WHY but faith isn't about having the answers.
I know that regardless of what is clearly revealed tome, everything that happens DOES happen for a reason! Ultimately, His plan is far superior than my own.

Oh, He is Good!

Grow Baby Grow....

2011-05-25T17:48:00.000-07:00

Just saying a quick HELLO and sharing a little bit of the fun that's going on in our busy life!

Officially in the 3rd trimester and sadly, I've been bad at taking pictures of my growing babe but here are at least two:

I'm feeling HUGE and yet, there's still time to get BIGGA!

This past weekend was a good one!
We made a home made picnic and headed to the beach for a Vintage Trailer Show!
LOVE!
( and There's something about sandwich papers that make a picnic fun to make and fun to eat.)

Work has had both the hus and I busy, busy, BUSY this week but his job has lots of creative juices flowing!
These beautiful flowers got to come home with us after a fun day at the office for him.

It's really nice to take a break to focus on the happy & the good amidst all the chaos.

Blessings!

Simply Thankful

2011-05-16T20:39:00.000-07:00

I've been somewhere new lately.
A place that's just mine and a place that belongs to me but I'm here.
It's a place of choice and intention.
It's a place of battle and a place of peace.
It's a place of surrender and a state of grace.

Today I just find myself smiling about some largely little things
and I'm thankful.I unexpectedly have a preschooler.
In two weeks, who he IS has grown.
My son--my little boy--is growing and as he does, so do I.
His pride, his enthusiasm, his independence, his JOY for where he is and who he is able to see in himself is changing him!
I am THANKFUL that our decision to place him where he is has been confirmed.
I am THANKFUL that God took us from where we were sooner than expected--while it broke my heart, He had it orchestrated like a symphony.
Oh, if only I could truly paint the picture of how perfectly He planned it!
But I guess some things are for us to know alone in our walk with Him.

I am THANKFUL for his teacher!
She reassures me. She shows me how to treat him as a boy and not a baby.
What a gift to see someone see your own as a treasure to them as well!

I am THANKFUL for my husband's new journey.
His journey is one I am watching and wanting for myself.
How to be somewhere you know you should be?
I want that for me.

I am THANKFUL that I am HEARING HIS VOICE
and I am not willing to bury my head any more and hope to hear something different tomorrow.
I am THANKFUL He told me--clearly spoke to me--about parenting.
I am THANKFUL he has given me friends who have shown me what a blessing my family is.
I am THANKFUL I have a church that inspires me, feeds me, grows me even if I can't physically be there.
I'm THANKFUL for the willingness to make decisions that are for our son--for our family's future.
I am THANKFUL for PRAYER--oh my gosh, I am so thankful for prayer!
I am THANKFUL for Christian revolutionaries like Rick Warren, Joyce Meyer, & Stormie Omartian who feed me with truth--swords for the battle!
I am THANKFUL that He is at work in me and on my heart.

I am THANKFUL for unexpected hugs from a little boy I just met.
I am THANKFUL for a new friend who is so purely honest it reopened me.
I am THANKFUL for a friend who is simply there and always willing & waiting.
I am THANKFUL for the lies that are being dispelled by truth and the strength He is giving me to fight.

I am LOVED.
So very LOVED.
And for that--I am SO THANKFUL!

I am simply--THANKFUL

Holy Vision in the Mess

2011-05-01T19:08:00.000-07:00

This weekend was the weekend of attack.

From a dream that was so real I couldn't shake it on Saturday morning
to the parenting attacks of doubt and wrapping up with the attack on my joy for my life,
the weekend rocked me.I sent a tweet out into cyberspace wondering early Saturday morning if my cleaning rampage was that of a nesting mother or one of a woman who was venting her life frustrations with Clorox & Endust.
The answer was quickly revealed: I was venting.

I had been robbed and I didn't know how to reclaim what I seemingly handed off willingly to the enemy: my joy.

.......

I'm reading a book that has been challenging me.
The diction and syntax make me read like a first grader--slow and steady--but I got to a chapter this weekend that made sense!
Pages littered in pink highlighter and a journal filled with things I wanted to remember, I had been heart struck.

In the book One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp, she asks one of many big questions but one hit home:

"How do I have the holy vision in the mess?"My husband has a saying that is polar opposite from how I think:
"Circumstances stink, but life is simple."
His statement constantly hits me upside the head and I internally react with,
"What life are you living? This is NOT simple!"
Ann's question seemed to reiterate the very statement I hold hands with, sleep beside, and kiss every day yet battle because it's not how I feel inside.

So I went through my other highlighted portions and I summarized the answer to the question:

"How do I have the holy vision in the mess?"

I need to "transfigure the mess into joy with thanks." p. 125
I need to "speak the unseen into seeing." p. 128
I need to "look to the Largeness behind all the smallness." p. 128
I need to "give thanks to keep the gaze on heaven." p. 128
In order to "see the glory," I need to "name the graces." p. 129

Damn, that all sounds hard but as Ann says, "When I choose--and it is a choice--to crush joy with bitterness [I am] purposefully choosing to take the way of the Prince of Darkness. Choosing the angry way of Lucifer because I think it is more effective--more expedient--than giving thanks."

I must say, I hate (and simultaneously love as well as appreciate) the growing pains of seeing myself and knowing that I am the problem in my own life.
It hurts-it sucks-it's frustrating and ultimately the resolution resides with me and my choice to wrestle it out with God.
Just because I feel like I'm an incompetent parent, unappreciated & easily replaceable member of society, unloved, or forgotten person does not make it real. "Feelings work faster than thoughts...[and] the only way to fight a feeling is with a feeling...Feel thanks and it's absolutely impossible to feel angry."

......

I think I'll be pondering all of this for awhile.
I'll be wrestling with this deeply.

3

2011-04-21T18:34:00.000-07:00

This year, I have an Easter Baby ;)My little man is turning 3.

I'm not quite sure where the time has gone, but for all of those long days, the years sure have been short!

This little tiny person changed everything about me (and still does).
He makes me vulnerable and makes me strong.
He makes me protective and he makes me independent.
He makes me smile and there are moments he makes me cry.

He's my personal paradox.

I see my weakness and I see my strength.
I feel my exhaustion and I live my enthusiasm.
I watch him and I see who he is and I heal the little girl that I was.

He is my challenge, my rescue, and he is my point of grace.

This Sunday when we celebrate that He Is Risen,
I will also celebrate the beauty that has come from my ashes,
I will celebrate my son.

Happy Birthday to my growing boy & Happy Easter to ALL!

24 Weeks

2011-04-20T20:31:00.000-07:00

You know those women who just....GLOW....when they're pregnant?
The ones that never get sick, barely gain a pound, could run a marathon...
Yeahhh...that's not me.
I've officially decided
I'm a Show-er, NOT a Glower.

Although I may not shine and rock it like a petite, peppy, energetic little mama,
I'm SO grateful to be here and with this little one after our loss last year.

I may be that girl that is sick the entire pregnancy and barely gets through a work day.
I may be that prego that aches sooner than normal & waddles earlier than I should
Like I said...
I'm a show-er, NOT a glower
but I AM grateful, blessed, and cherishing this little life I feel moving every day!

While I may not have that physical glow, my heart sure shines insides :)

{photos by christanp photography}

Dear Son, Life is Changing....

2011-04-14T20:35:00.000-07:00

Dear Son,

I know your world has been different lately.
I know in it, there have been blessings--like unlimited time with your Daddy.
I know we as your parents have been waiting to see where God would take us and while we waited on Him, you waited on us.
You looked to us for your safety, your security, your peace.
I know there were days I didn't give that to you.
Days I was too tired, to empty, or just in my space seeking Him.
Thank you for the smiles you gave us, the laughs you provided, the "look at me!'s" the "let me show you!'s" that pulled me out of where I was and challenged me to say YES to you and NO to the things I thought I should be focusing on.

Life is changing again.
We are so blessed that Daddy has a new job that he will start on Monday!
In the time you had with him, you talked more, your sense of humor grew with him, you learned more than I could have imagined.
I'd come home from work and there was my boy: going potty like a big boy, singing Twinkle Twinkle Little Star, and learning your ABCs.
In that time you had with him, the window of you being our one and only shrunk and mommy's heart started skipping beats....
how could I protect you from all this change you feel too fragile for?
Wait...
I think the fragile one is me.

I thought I knew where you would be going back to.
I thought you'd go back to your daycare and life would pick up as usual until August.
I can't protect you from that change, I can only prepare you.
In August you will become a big brother & start preschool.
Such amazing things!
Now that the unexpected news came that there's no space for you to return to the daycare you are use to (that I am use to), I feel like I have failed you.

You did not ask for two parents who worked.
You did not ask to become a Big Brother and lose our undivided attention.
But the truth is, those two things are not our parental failures (even though they feel that way).
They our are parental challenges and above all GIFTS to you.
You get to learn to play with others while we work to provide for our family.
You get to share your world with a sibling who will forever be in your life.
YOUR STORY IS NOT MINE.
You will have a relationship of love with your sibling because there won't be anyone dividing you and you will have a lifelong friend.

Every day as your mother, my love, I find ways that I want to love you more, give you a better world, protect you from evil, and I am challenged. I am challenged to remember that your time on this earth and with me is on loan.
Your story is not mine.
My experiences are not yours.
You deserve to be who YOU are and this will not be the last time I think my fears are yours, but I will try.
I will try to give you YOUR moments here.

Life is changing my, son.
I love you.

Unfailing Love

2011-03-12T18:55:00.000-08:00

The human truth is that I don't like how I feel today.
I'm exhausted and that exhaustion has me hearing lies.
Lies that make me want to cry, shout, and give in to the worldlyness of life right now.
I feel a bit like a toddler: "I.DON'T.WANT.TO"
And as much as I want to cave, crumble, crawl away, & curl up today: I'm fighting.

I have a friend--that's not even a good term--she's God's gift to my heart.
She encouraged me last week as she spoke about her counseling classes and I took an assignment on as my own:
For every lie I heard, find a scripture that counteracts the lie with truth.

So tonight I sat down and I thought about where my head was today and I decided... it sucked.

I went to the Book of Truth and I found truth, shields really, to fight the lies that were out to destroy me today.

I even found MY prayer.

¹ Hear my prayer, O Lord;

listen to my plea!
Answer me because you are faithful and righteous.
² Don’t put your servant on trial,
for no one is innocent before you.
³ My enemy has chased me.
He has knocked me to the ground
and forces me to live in darkness like those in the grave.
⁴ I am losing all hope;
I am paralyzed with fear.
⁵ I remember the days of old.
I ponder all your great works
and think about what you have done.
⁶ I lift my hands to you in prayer.
I thirst for you as parched land thirsts for rain.

⁷ Come quickly, Lord, and answer me,
for my depression deepens.
Don’t turn away from me,
or I will die.
⁸ Let me hear of your unfailing love each morning,
for I am trusting you.
Show me where to walk,
for I give myself to you.
⁹ Rescue me from my enemies, Lord;
I run to you to hide me.
¹⁰ Teach me to do your will,
for you are my God.
May your gracious Spirit lead me forward
on a firm footing.
¹¹ For the glory of your name, O Lord, preserve my life.
Because of your faithfulness, bring me out of this distress.
¹² In your unfailing love, silence all my enemies
and destroy all my foes,
for I am your servant. ~ Psalm 143

Truth: I am loved, provided for, & worthy.

Truth is what I will cling to.

I'm Not A Housewife

2011-03-10T19:19:00.000-08:00

I may be farther than that than I have ever been.

Right now, I am the financial provision and with it, I'm feeling things I never thought I would.

In my days of die hard feminism, this was where I wanted to be

however

I also wanted to be alone then.

This isn't how I would have written this.

In fact, I had this dreamt out quite differently.

He was working toward being the income.

I was dreaming of the day I'd be home chasing my rugrat, making meals, & awaiting my man's return from a long day in the office.

Now-here we are.

One income: mine.

One stay at home parent: him.

Truly, with every ounce of me, I'm hearing His voice and I know

this is where He has me

and I will learn and wait here.

And let me tell you,

I'm learning.

I'm learning:

I have expectations I didn't know I had and I may have a 50's husband mentality about what should get done in the house because "what else are you doing there all day?"

I've had to remember:

Being at home with your child is a blessing and it is also a lot of work. It's a lot of "look at me's" "play with me's" & go go go. It's energy you simply don't use in an office--it's physical, emotional, and mental.

I'm learning:

A stay at home parent really needs a break when the other parent gets home just as much as the parent who just left the office needs a break. Both of us have had different energy tanks drained and we.need.a.break!

I'm learning...again and again:

My husband has the ability to be a better parent and person than I do.

The man's energy is unfailing.

and I realize:

I'm so unfair in asking for MORE than what I see when I get home

because every time I ask for MORE

I'm discounting every single thing he's already done.

I'm learning:

I have a lot to learn.

I'm Not A Housewife.

I'm a Working Mom who's on a road I wouldn't have picked myself but I'm in the passenger seat now taking in the views as I go. I'm far from perfect, but I'm not setting out for that--I'm setting out to love the journey and learn the lessons of the Refiner's fire.

This isn't a season about what I'm giving up.

This is a season about what I'm gaining.

If I had a camper...

2011-03-06T20:37:00.000-08:00

I'd do something crazy.

I'd pick up and take off.

I'd tell my man to hitch it up to the back of the car.
I'd throw the munchkin's sleeping bag in the back.
And we'd hit the road.Not forever.
Just for a few days.

We'd admit: this isn't how we would have planned the first few months of 2011.
We'd praise: that we believe in His plan above our own.
We'd sing: songs of joy and stand our hearts on solid ground.
We'd laugh: because we know, one day we'll look back and say, "Remember when...this is why."
We'd breathe: this is a new moment and it is ours.
If I had a camper:
We'd be on the road.
We'd find out spot by the ocean or among the trees.
We'd just be.

Something tells me it's going to get harder than this.
SomeOne tells me the end is going to be so much better than this.

Walk the Talk

2011-03-04T15:15:00.000-08:00

It sure is easy to talk the talk. Walking the Walk is something different.

In face of challenges and the unknown, I have just one question before me:
Will I Walk My Talk?
Today is the last day we have two paychecks.
It is the last day with known numbers and our previously existing budget.
We pay our mortgage, feed our mouths, clothe our bodies, and insure our health on these numbers.
The most important thing we do with those numbers is live as stewards.

I thought a lot about the tithe we would send to our home church today.
I asked myself a few questions.
Heart, Is it harder to give today?
I answered, No.
Soul, Are you scared to give today?
I answered, No.
Mind, Do you think you'll need that money you give away?
I answered, We don't need money. We need His provision.

I talk about trusting God with everything I have.
I talk about knowing that He is my provider.
I talk about my faith.
Can I walk it?
Will I walk it?It's a choice and I choose YES.

To each fear that tries to creep in, I'll turn the truth dial up to MAX!
To each doubt that tries to seek, kill, and destroy, I'll get on my knees and PRAISE!
For each tear that comes through my humanity, I'll learn MORE about who my GOD is.
It is HIS time.

Today I wrote the BEST check I've ever written.
Today I gave 10% of our last solid income on numbers we depend on and chose to say, "Father, you are 100% better than numbers and all I want to rely on. We're Yours."

In Malachi 3:10 (NLT), God says this: "Bring the whole tithe into the storehouse, that there may be food in my house. Test me in this," says the LORD Almighty, "and see if I will not throw open the floodgates of heaven and pour out so much blessing that there will not be room enough to store it." (from Saddleback.com)

We choose to sow into our eternity.
My God is BIGGER than this Mountain!

They Are New Every Mourning...

2011-03-02T20:21:00.000-08:00

In worldly standards, today was a bad day.

In the eyes of my faith, today was a new day.

But here I am--struggling with a very real faith but my conflicting humanness.

I'm not sure what the steps of grief are in the wake of loss but I anticipate it's the range of emotions:

Tears, Anger, Depression, Numbness and then moments of feeling OK

My husband and I have been dancing with God for awhile asking Him what we are made for and what His plan is as we go through the day to day.

We are happy and we are so blessed.

In all of that though, we feel prisoners to a routine of unfulfilling financial provision.

Just last night we sat down for dinner and faced each other in love and admitted,

"I don't know what else to do."

We were "stuck."

Today God unstuck us.

Today my husband lost his job.

In this moment I am reminded:

"They are new every morning. Great is thy faithfulness."

Lamentations 3:23

And I hold so fast and true to that. I do!

But then there's this aching human heart I have that in the very same moment I hold faith, I hold mourning.

So I let my tears fall as I replay the news that came from the man I love.

I mourn as a wife for a man that I want to be reaffirmed by this world for who he is.

I celebrate as his faith filled partner that he has a better affirmation, a truer one in Christ.

A Christ who says He has plans to prosper us and NOT to harm us.

A Christ who knew we had nowhere else to move & took it away so He could move for us.

My head says that today was a bad day.

My heart says today was God's day.

Coupon Crazy

2011-02-27T11:00:00.000-08:00

With a family that has been sick for 2 straight months and medical bills mounting, I've been determined to find ways to save money & also prepare for a future that includes a new sweet baby!

This weekend while my two very sick guys healed & I played nurse, I did just that: deal hunted.

Project 1: Bedding for the Big Boy Room
It just so happens I love expensive things BUT the best thing is I won't buy expensive things.
So while I LOVE a specific Serena & Lily bedding set, I absolutely refuse to spend $150 on a single comforter that will get spilled or puked on.
While I had to compromise on the ultimate look, I was able to find an adorable quilt at Marshalls after weeks of looking for only $30.

Project 2: Begin to store up Diapers
Through AmazonMom & some coupon codes, I was able to start setting us up to receive boxes of diapers to prepare for the new ones arrival. Instead of having all of the expenses hit us at once, we want to start preparing for the budget adjustments now.I was able to get 1 box of Newborn Pampers Swaddlers for $13.15 (free because we had a gift card however from an earlier purchase on LivingSocial.com) & 1 box of Size 1 Pampers Swaddlers for $19.96.
In addition, I signed up for Parents Magazine (which is the place to get the 20% Amazon coupons).
I got the 1 Year Subscription to the magazine for $3.56 by subscribing through magazinedealsnow.com & applying an additional code MPS10.
The savings I'll get from the $3.56 investment will be well worth it!

Project 3: Scour my favorite Money Saving Blogs
I ended up setting myself up with a new email address just so I could sign up for new coupons and deals and my personal email wouldn't get flooded. (I got this idea from my cousin when we were Flea'ing!)Over the weekend I was able to get a free Toddler Snack Kit from BeechNut, get a free stick of Secret Deodorant, get a buy 1 get 1 free at Chipotle, get 2 free Nivea Chapsticks, & stock up on the husband's face wash--2 8oz bottles of Clean & Clear for a total of $6.50 (regular price for one is $6.99).

Ultimately our thoughts in this house are, the more we can prepare now, the better off we will be in August. In general we like to keep back ups of our usual needs like detergents, paper towels, shampoo & conditioner, etc. so in case we ever ran into a job loss or financial stress there would be some essentials we wouldn't need to worry about right away.

What ways do YOU save?
What are YOUR favorite saving blogs or tips?!

15 weeks & Counting

2011-02-19T14:40:00.000-08:00

Who knew that being pregnant with another lil' one could be so different from the first time!
Aside from the physical symptoms, the biggest difference is how little time there is to sit, refuel, or even think about a nursery, a name, or the little hopes.
When I'm not tied to my desk, I'm struggling just to find time to love on the two men in my life let alone figure out how to call a friend, stay up late enough to watch a show, or grocery shop. UNREAL how exhausted I am.

Um--also, incredibly unreal how much faster I have shown this time around!
At 15 weeks now, I am definitely all belly'd up!
If the Dr. hadn't told me I've gained the same amount of weight I had at the same time my last pregnancy, I'd be thinking I was in serious trouble!
It hasn't stopped me from wanting to post a sign on my shirt that says, "KNOCKED UP" buuut oh well!

So we talk to the midge about him becoming a big brother and ask for his opinion on the little things like, "What do you want to name the baby?" (to which we get no real answer) & the hus' favorite question is, "Do you want a white baby like mommy or a brown baby like daddy?" (to which he always says, "white baby!" and we laugh)
{*I should probably mention for any new readers that I'm a blond (usually) & blue eyed Norwegian while my husband is straight up Portuguese and our first babe was a total shock of bright blond, blue eyes, and fair skin just like Mama.}And life just keeps moving forward
(despite the fact that I feel like this pregnancy is surprisingly taking forever after spending 2 weeks at 14 weeks when my due date was bumped up---lame!!--but I truly think they're wrong. Guess I do have to keep on their time line however.)

So, all is just movin' along over here.
How are YOU doing?!

A Wordy Update!

2011-02-07T17:07:00.000-08:00

A LOT has been going on in the past month or so...both challenges & blessings.

And here I am, a little lost in where to start because I haven't heard my own voice in so long
but I'll make this attempt to start somewhere!
About a month ago now my little man got a pretty intense cold and it turned into just the start of a series of illnesses.
It seems to have come to an end about a week ago after a trip to the Dr. & then a request we go to the ER for blood work & X rays.
For weeks the Dr's had been telling me, "He doesn't have symptoms now" and I would leave $20 poorer and feeling frustrated-- THIS ISN'T MY KID! I don't care if you say he's ok right now!
To make a very long story short, he ended up with a hip infection that limited his ability to walk and PRAISE GOD there was no bacteria. I couldn't handle another bout with sepsis in my life!

During that same time of illness, I was visited with a very dark moment in my life.
I had been working my butt off and essentially discovered I was letting it kill me.
I had a come to Jesus moment and fell apart and through my dear, dear friend & my mom, I heard Him calling me home & I decided to fight for my life.
I reclaimed my servant's heart and redirected my attention.
It seems I've spent months in this fight.
Something feels different now.

So there we were with a sick midget and a broken hearted but refound me and we got some news, work life was going to look different for my husband- his hours were being cut.
Faith or Fight moment.
We chose faith.
Ok, Lord-fearless we say, let this moment be yours.
He gave us this time for my husband to:
a) be a stay at home dad
b) keep our son from daycare and allow his immunity to rebuild
c) look at me one afternoon and say, "I really want this for you"
meaning, he wants me to be a stay at home mom, too.
He gave us this time for me to:
a) Come to Him and Choose Him...daily
b) Make room for Him in my heart
c) To challenge who I say He is - If I believe He can move mountains and work miracles, why do I limit Him with my doubt?
This unchosen moment has actually been one I wouldn't take away.

And in & amongst ALL of this is the greatest blessing of all....
We are expecting a little cherub this August!
Just days to making it exactly 1 year since my most challenging loss, we were given a new life to love.
The emotions I have had with that are a different post in itself but above all
I am so thankful.
SO very THANK FULL.

To close it out for the moment, I heard Rick Warren say something on a sermon I relistened to today: If the devil can't make you bad he'll make you busy.
All of a sudden, the past several weeks and how they have slowed us down felt like an unbelievable blessing to see all the things I was filling my life with that were not of Him or for Him.
He's at work in it all!

I L ? ? E You

2011-01-21T19:11:00.000-08:00

In high school I had a boyfriend who would send me notes on graph paper and in each one there would be one written portion that was the same:

"I L ? ? E You"

This "relationship" didn't last long.
Two weeks into the graph paper note love/like affair, he decided my endeavor to Australia that upcoming Summer would leave him too lonely for three weeks & I decided that this clearly wasn't worth it.
As I lay awake thinking about what God's been telling me to move on in my life in the last 72 hours, I remembered this toying two week relationship that existed over a decade ago.

It became clear to me as I pictured those old hand written notes that my God will never make me question how he feels about me. He doesn't fill the Bible with doubt, confusion, and strings. He's not asking me to earn his love or fulfill Him. He's not saying if I stray, I can't come home.

He is like NO Human Relationship on this Earth.

He says,
I LOVE You.
No questions & no games.
He loves me!
He loves You!

How To Make Vanilla Extract

2011-01-17T06:00:00.000-08:00

I've been holding off on this post for awhile since this was our Christmas gift to our Family this year: 30 bottles of home made vanilla extract!
We really wanted to do something for everyone and with a limited budget, we wanted what we did to be home made and usable.
This fit the ticket at about $6.00 per bottle.

You'll be able to find tons of "how to make vanilla" resources online but I thought, why not add one more? ;)

Supplies

Cooking Shears (or clean scissors)
Funnel
Vanilla Beans
Vodka (Costco: Sky Vodka is $20 per bottle. I needed 2)
Glass Bottles with Lids

Step 1:

-Cut each vanilla been in half
-Cut each half down the middle to tip of stem leaving about 1/2 to 1 inch at the end
*make sure each bean is left connected at one end

Step 2:

-Divide the split vanilla beans amongst the bottles
(I put 4 half, split beans in each bottle)
-Pour the vodka over the split beans through the funnel
-Seal & Shake
-Store in a cool, dry place
*Allow extract to cultivate for 2 months taking the bottles out to shake them a couple of times during their fermenting process.

And so you've done it!

In 2 months, you'll go from this:

To this:If you want to know some alternative uses for vanilla, check this out, too!

And one last little tip:
Have your labels printed through a professional printer and on water-resistant paper to prevent the drips from usage ruining the look of your gift!Enjoy!

Parenthood

2011-01-15T18:50:00.001-08:00

"You know, when you have kids, if you have kids, there's something you should know--very confusing thing they don't tell you. You see so much of yourself in them. You see your ironic take on the world. You see your smile, your walk, your sense of humor, whatever--and you think they're you but they're not you and they shouldn't have all of your baggage and your fear and your insecurity and your life experience because that's not fair--they have their own." ~Parenthood

This quote from the show Parenthood's episode, "Meet The New Boss," struck me. It also stuck with me through a few conversations this week and a few stolen moments to look within.

I have a beautiful "baby" boy. He came into my life two and half years ago and changed how I saw the world and what I did in it. Everything my husband and I work so hard for became about him. What could we give him? And I don't mean what toys, clothes, or material items could we fill his closet with, I mean, what opportunities could we afford him? How could we pave a road for him that would take the best of where we had been and improve upon the worst of what we'd walked and give that to him?
As his mother, it haunts me in both beautiful and breaking ways.

I grew up in a house of three and while I may have two siblings, you would never know we were raised in the same home--ever.
My life experiences included getting my first job at 16, buying my own car, taking out loans for school (even though my mom & step dad helped so much), working through college, renting a room in my parents home when I graduated from college.
Their life experiences included getting their first jobs in their twenties, being given car(s), having college paid for, living rent free.
I know this sounds like whining but what it is is an acknowledgment of gratitude that I was taught to stand on my own but it also became a marker for: I will do things differently.

My husband and I grew up in two different worlds.
While I was not given everything, I was exposed to a lot. I had opportunities that he didn't.
In our five years of marriage we have shaken out the good and bad of both of our roots and while I still may believe College is a must and he considers it to be an option amongst many for our son, our desire is to give our son a foot up in this world.
Our dream is that he won't enter marriage with an unbelievable amount of debt from chasing dreams, independence, and miseducation. Our dream is he will be set up for success.

I watched the show this week and I heard the quote above and I froze a bit and I heard myself think,
"I am trying to correct what went wrong and hand him the best of what my life has been so far and he's only two."

I talked with a co-worker this week and our kids came up and she admitted, "I can't afford more than two," and I thought, "Can I even afford my one? Can I afford the dreams I have for him?" --the dreams that are really about me.

I watched Oprah this week and the "Octamom" episode and I went from judging her to criticizing myself. Providing for your children is just NOT easy. We parents love like mad and dream big but I know that what I need right now is a step back because I'm missing something.

I'm working my @$$ off in the name of provision and I'm gridlocked: I don't know how to give more and I don't know how to give less. My truest of all hopes is that I, every day, will learn a little more about how to keep my baggage, my fear, my insecurity, and my anxiety far from imposing it on him. He deserves his road and I should be his number one fan and encourager handing him the tools along the way.

{In}Fallible

2011-01-05T06:00:00.000-08:00

Here's the thing about parents,

they're human.
Why does it suck so much to realize this?

Perhaps because we grow believing they are infallible, or because their love defines us, or because their belief in us can make us.
Whatever the reason is, growing up means learning more truths than we want to.
Not only do we learn that Santa is just a myth and the Easter bunny would actually be a terrifying thing to run into, but we learn that our parents aren't perfect. They don't just teach us things we want to be, but they also teach us the things we don't want to be.When I first got married five years ago, you couldn't convince me the way I was raised and the truths I held were anything but the right way.
I battled within my marriage to establish what my traditions were as our traditions.
I had beliefs that how I grew up was normal and correct.
I wanted to repeat most of it.

Two years later, both my husband and I started to let our walls down: maybe our parents didn't have it all right. Maybe there was some crazy in there we wanted to abandon and we lay awake asking each other, what was the good we wanted to take with us?
And now--after the years of my childhood traditions have all but disintegrated and I've walked through the traditions that were my husbands, we face each other and admit:
It sorta sucks to grow up.

More and more we realize, ain't nobody else really done gone an' matter except for the three of us at the end of the day: Me, the man, and the babe.
No one should come between us, no one should be allowed to break our dreams, no one can rob us of any joy unless we hand it over, and we can't change a thing about who our families are. We can take what we like, discard what we don't, and add a little bit of our own.

Sigh.
I think the only truly hard pill to swallow about it all is knowing...
one day, my son will also look at what was his parents best and say,
"It's not the best for me."
Because that's truth and it's right and good and factual.
We should always want a little more, try a little bit harder, and do a little bit better than those that came before us.

The Word

2011-01-04T16:31:00.000-08:00

I've been mulling over this idea of a word.

A word that defines your outlook for a year you can't predict.
A word that defines a goal, a projection, an anticipation.
The power of that ONE word and it's weight looms heavily and circles my thoughts.
Last year, I went in to 2010 with one word.
That word was INTENTION.
In the wake of a rough start, I wanted to pursue the year with passion-- with INTENTION.
I feel like I succeeded...for six months, and then I bottomed out.
I feel like I succeeded in one breath and failed in another.
My intention for choosing a word last year was because I felt that lists didn't work but one motivational thought could inspire and direct.
I can't seem to find that word this year.
Or--I can, but I just don't want to adopt that word.
It actually keeps haunting me, coming back to me, poking me between the ribs but to be honest, the word feels like too much work.
Ever feel like that?
Like you just don't want to take on more work?

Oh, life, what do you want from me this year?
Actually, what do I want from YOU?!

2010-12-01T14:12:00.000-08:00

What a year this has been.

What an unbelievable year.
It started for me with trial but with great intention to be intentional in my praise and trust in Him.
I didn't always succeed at this.
Six months into the year, I broke and took on my world by myself.
I lived for the approval of others--others who at the end of the day don't have what's best for me in their heart.
Somehow, by the grace of God, I resurfaced after nearly losing myself.
I resurfaced with hope, with the pursuit of joy and the desire to fight again for my heart & mind to recite truth and evict the lies.
That fight reminded me of His promises & pointed out how I humanize Him"Truly I tell you, whoever says to this mountain, 'Be lifted up & thrown into the sea!' and does not doubt at all in is heart but believes that what he says will take place it will be done for him. For this reason I am telling you whatever you ask for in prayer believe that it is granted to you and you will get it." Mark 11:23-24

I found this passage and have it on repeat on my heart.
It's my human tendancy to say I believe He can move mountains in my head but to doubt He can move the mountains in my life in my heart.
I read this passage and I saw two things:
1. I had to get my heart and head in the same place: truth.
2. I humanize God.
When I read "what I ask for will be given to me," or know that a decision I make is out of obedience to Him and He will reward it, I hadn't realized that I expected my rewards now.
I was putting God in a box and asking for immediate gratification forgetting that every.single.time I question Him, His answer always comes but it's on his timing.
And when His answer is there, it's clear as day and the journey--the waiting--makes sense!

"You do not have because you do not ask. Ask God for what you want & desire and trust Him to bring it His way when the time is right. In the meantime, be content with what you have." James 4:2

So I have walked through a year that has pushed me, challenged me--in some areas it still is.
I am at a new place though--fighting to stay there in heart and mind--that I don't want what I want--I want what He knows is right for me to have and I pray that He gives me more patience and more trust to wait while He continues His work in me.

"Seek God first, desire Him more than anything else, & you will find that He will bless you with what s right for you to have." Psalms 37:4

Starbucks Holiday Drink Tasting!

2010-11-30T19:22:00.001-08:00

A couple of weekends ago, Starbucks offered a Buy One Get One Free from 2-5pm on their holiday drinks!
Not one to pass something like this up, you could say I took advantage of the offer!

Spending the weekend with my cousin always spurs creative energy and fun activity.
We decided that we four adults would like to try a large portion of Starbucks Holiday Drink Menu!
So, with a few dollars in our pocket we were off and ordered the following:
Pumpkin Spice Latte
Gingerbread Latte
Caramel Brule Latte
Caramel Apple Spice Cider
Peppermint Mocha
White Chocolate Peppermint Mocha

Starbucks hooked us up with 6 smaller cups for our tasting party and my hus, the dispenser, figured out a creative way to pour us each our blind taste
(which of course were rinsed out between tastes to avoid tastebud confusion!)

The rules were simple:
1. Guess what you were drinking
2. Rate what you were drinking

The Taste Test Recorder (Tracy) developed a highly fanciful spreadsheet to accurately track our data for our official "Best & Worst" Poll!

So if you can't read the spreadsheet, these are the very official results :)
#1: Caramel Spiced Cider
#2: Peppermint Mocha
#3: White Chocolate Peppermint Mocha
#4: Caramel Brule Latte
#5: Pumpkin Spice Latte
#6: Gingerbread Latte

My personal favorite coffee drink that I would consider a "daily drinker" would be the Caramel Brule Latte but the yummiest Christmas inducing treat was the White Chocolate Peppermint Mocha/Peppermint Mocha options (just a little too sweet to drink an entire cup of!)
In the end, however, my traditional go to is always Apple Cider!

Fun taste testing brought to you by four fabulous adults permanently on the quest for laughs & adventure!

A White Thanksgiving

2010-11-27T06:00:00.000-08:00

We celebrated Thanksgiving on Friday and in our home for the first time.

With a few Fall touches set up around the house early in the week,
I actually had time to enjoy a piece of a season that generally flies by.

My plan this year started with white and kraft paper and shaped itself from there thanks to a few borrowed pieces from my cousin and a husband who let me spend the night shaping the table as my mood struck.
This was the end result:

The table cost me a total of $20 in new purchases:
Tablecloth: $10
White Pumpkins: $5
White roll of paper: $2
Place Tags: $3
My favorite piece ended up being my make-shift white paper table runner!
With the Martha Stewart Lace paper punch, I took a standard white roll of paper typically used for children's art and punched away until it fit the length of the table.
The natural look of the table ended up feeling relaxed yet special.
Exactly what I wanted.

While the wine cork place card holders didn't seem appropriate for the kiddos;) clothespins worked & kept the look cohesive.
With a few nuts in a glass container & some crayons, the munchkins were good to go at their own table!

With the loving words of my husband,
"Thank you for making this so special. Things like this are easy to just let go by. I'm thankful you did this,"
It was worth it and so fun!

To my honey,
Thank you for encouraging me to do what I needed to make Thanksgiving special and loving through my "too much to do" spasms! ;)
You make my world right.
I love you.

*please do not use any photos without permission & appropriate credits.

Who do you do it for?

2010-11-21T06:00:00.000-08:00

In everything you do, there is always someone you are doing it for.

It can be you, God, your spouse, your child(ren), your in-laws, your parents, your friends but regardless of your answer it is for someone.

This year I will host my first Thanksgiving in our first home.
That in itself is something to be incredibly thankful for.
While my immediate family will be spread out and around the state of California & Oregon, I will welcome my husband's family through our doors.{Beautiful mantle courtesy of my cousin's home}

Months ago I began planning & purchasing the things I would need to set the table, stage the meal, and love on the people that can be with us.
Along the way, I would find my anxiety points and my need to control the outcome:
This will be a sit down meal, this will be at a certain time, Football will not be on until after we eat....
I had to address the question as my anxiety rose:
WHO AM I DOING THIS FOR?
I actually surprised myself when I realized the answer was:
Me.
For weeks I had thought I was doing this for my in-laws.
I was going over the top to make it special because I wanted love on them with the details because that is how my family loves but when I looked closer I saw the heart of it:

Thanksgiving is a time for family.
It is a time for sitting around a table that has no distractions other than loved ones & deliciousness, it is meant to be special and special to me means personal, pretty & planned.

So, this Thanksgiving in our home, I'll be attempting the three P's that make it special for me & to me and hope that those who come to share this day of thanks with us feel loved and special the way I truly hope they will.

What makes it special to you?

Anywhere But Near

2010-11-17T07:00:00.000-08:00

{a slice of fiction}

She sat across the table from him lost in thought. Her head was slightly tilted as she played with the shape of her wrist and spoke, "There's something about me that I can't figure out. I always want to be somewhere else. It's a need, a craving."

He looked at her as he always did, with love and patience and he asked, "Why?"

"I don't know," she said, "Maybe it's because home was always a relative term or maybe it's how God made me. I want that place to come back to but if I don't leave frequently I feel like I'll die."

She crawled inside her heart and dug around shuffling the dusty travel itineraries stuck in scrapbooks with receipts from ristorante's she ate at alone and photos she took with people that were just a train stop on her journey. They felt good as she pulled up each one: Australia's Kangaroo Island and the smell of Eucalyptus lapsed into the taste of fresh yogurt in New Zealand and the sound of a good rugby match. The shine and bump of cobblestone under her feet tingled her memory of Norway and the taste of waffles & fresh water as she drifted in a fjord on her way to London's churches and china stores. Italy came and stayed awhile as she inhaled a cigarette, drank red wine, & bought her daily mele on the way to school. The taste she swore she'd never know sat on her tongue as the memories of Greece came to play and took her all the way to Peru where dirt stuck in her fingernails & laughs echo through Macchu Pichu. Her heart was pounding and she realized, she was addicted to the rush and she began to cry.

"I just can't breathe here. The world is out there waiting to teach me more about who I am. It is wanting me to remember how strong I am, how beautiful life really is and what it's all about."

Her whispers came in echoes as he reached a hand out to hers and spoke, "I'm listening."

"Whenever I leave a place in life, I can't go back. It's as if I look back and all I can see is how ugly I was, how much better I could have been. When I'm on an adventure, it's not like that. What I see is how strong I am, how blessed I am. That's what traveling gives me, a place I want to go back to because I see the good about me. I tackle fear, I do the impossible, and I succeed. That doesn't happen for me anywhere else but out there. I need to go out there. I need to go with you," she begged with a quietly explosive passion.

And as only he could, he said, "I love you," and it opened to door to the abyss of forever.

Finding Alice in the Rabbit Hole

2010-11-16T20:24:00.001-08:00

I've been asking myself something a lot lately-- "where have I been?"Today as I drove home through the canyon that my son and I point out the bell peppers, count the watering holes, and race the train on certain afternoons I realized, six months ago I made a decision that robbed me (hopefully temporarily) of my ability to be inside my own head.

It was like lightning struck and all of a sudden my life was on rewind and then fast forward connecting the dots.

This year has produced a lot of "new" in my life. New I have wanted and new I haven't. It's been something taken from me, a dream I gave up, a goal accomplished, a double edged sword that appeared to be gift & blessing, goodbyes & hello's. It has all catapulted me into a personal divide so restricting & confining that I had forgotten any thing that I loved in life.

My self has truly been duking it out in the last 6 months. I have spent nights crying & journaling pages of "how do I be the new me in a place that makes me want to live like the old me" & I have really, really struggled.

I forgot how to craft, how to write--I forgot the things that made me feel good and allowed me to breathe.

I realize there are tough patches in life and I am thankful that I was able to come to a point where I was able to admit- humpty dumpty fell, the queen of hearts turned bitter, the mad hatter is running himself in circles, & Alice is lost.

Everyone needs help getting out of life's rabbit holes and I'm finally emerging from this epic fall from grace. It ultimately comes down to me and learning to give myself grace (which I'm not good at), not expecting perfection (I just don't seem to get that one), ceasing to compare my life to others (talk about a battle!), & setting out to live the priorities I verbalize- Faith First, Family second, & all else proceeding after.

In a season of thanks, I'm thankful for new beginnings, forgiveness of myself, my husband's patience & undying encouragement, the friends who have been there to listen to me, the family that has been helping me fight this dark year each in the ways they can, for HOPE.

I found Alice in the Rabbit hole. She's coming back now.

Matters of the Heart

2010-11-14T19:37:00.000-08:00

Having a heart has to be one of the easiest things to achieve in life. So easy, that perhaps it's not achieved at all--we are born with it. Perhaps the most difficult thing is that it's not about having a heart that is difficult--it's protecting it.
We each are born in purity, innocence, and grace. Along the road, those things slip away. We find ourselves discovering that our parents are fallible, we discover adults do not know everything, we meet our first love thinking it's our last then find our true love realizing it's our first, we lose friends, we get betrayed, & we get lost. In all that bad, there's the good: there's the parent that loved you all along, the parent who comes back, the one good man left in the world manages to find you, you find the friend that speaks what you need to hear and not just what you want to hear, you realize that blood really is thicker than water. Life seemingly appears to be one giant bell curve of battle from run-over to restored.We are all fighters and we are all fighting for the same things: acceptance, love & respect.

Today I am overwhelmed with our fragility & God's amazing grace. He continues to send forth love to refurbish this heart that often runs down so far past empty. In a season of THANKS I am thankful for this!

My First Vacation

2010-11-11T14:41:00.000-08:00

I'm back from Puerto Vallarta and I do in fact feel like a new me.

I have been very blessed in life to travel a lot.
One of my secret ambitions in life was to become a travel writer.
I love exploring, diving into new cultures, learning who I am somewhere else.
I believe there is a lot to be said for pushing your comfort zone, trying to speak another language wherever you are, & seeing the world from another point of view.
Sometimes, the longer we stand in one place, the less we are able to see the beauty of what we have. Other times, the opportunity to step out gives us the appreciation and respect we need to keep going.
For all of these reasons, I love to travel.
On this particular excursion to Mexico, I learned the difference between trip & vacation.

Trip: To explore, to be on a schedule, to set out to not miss a thing.
Vacation: To rest, to abandon schedule, to realize there is nothing to miss.

When I travel, I "trip". I study, I learn, I take photos, I run, I go-go-go.
Quite frankly, I love doing it.
I was raised in a family of "trip-ers" (ya hear me right, Trace?!)
It's hard to undo that innate desire to soak it all in.
However, here I was in desperate need of a place rest and recharge.

This has been a really tough year for me.
I feel like I have lost a lot in the midst of a lot of accomplishment.
My heart has felt heavy & my spirit has been unbearably cracked and some days broken.
I found I lost my joy.

So--Mexico was a serious count down for me.
It was what was helping me survive:
7 nights & 8 days with our best friends, no munchkin, & no plans.
If you asked me how Mexico was, this is what I'll say:
It was perfect! We did nothing in particular which was everything I wanted to do!

I remembered what it meant to sleep, how to read a book, & how to STOP.
The first two days were hard for me to sit still but with a few mimosas, some good playlists, a journal, & a book...I figured it out.

My first vacation.
It kicked @$$

maybe...

2010-10-28T21:44:00.000-07:00

i'll be ready to return after a week here

drinking a few of these
reading this
and putting my heart back on track.
taking the time to sleep...relax...laugh...love...be an adult.

maybe i'll be ready to be me again.
the new brunette mehopefully.

{this one was for you kasey & tracy}

Creating Reasons

2010-09-12T14:48:00.000-07:00

I have wanted something for awhile. I have wanted it since I lost it--but it hasn't come to me. Lately, it's been hard. Suddenly, I can't keep the feelings on the inside...because I think they might be breaking me.
I know I'm not the first to go through it but that doesn't change how I feel about it. I know some people can go through it and move right on. I know some women can survive it and find success if they just keep trying. I know there are others who feel like me: confused, questioning... Lately, I am admitting I am sad, I am seeking answers, I work to surrender it, and then there are moments that I try to self diagnose, I attempt to move on by creating a reason for why it is the way it is.

I know I've been crypitic--the truth is, today it's hard to see the word: miscarriage. My eyes well up when I think back on December 23, 2009 and I crumble a little.

I woke up this morning thinking about a shirt that is tucked away in a drawer and I can't shake it from my heart today. It's a shirt that probably doesn't fit the son I have now. It's a shirt that I can't pick up, I can't unwrap, and I can't get rid of. (breaking down for a second. give me a minute....)
The shirt says "Big Bro." I think of it and I remember how I told my husband we would be having another baby, I remember the shock on his face, I remember how excited I was--how different it felt to find out this time, to wonder how we'd keep it a secret so we could tell all of our family on Christmas morning...we wouldn't say a word, we'd just have our midget walk in with his shirt on and see who noticed. We printed cards that we were going to send out that announced the stork was coming again.
We never got to do those things. No one got to share in the excitement I had except for my boss, a friend, and us. We lost the baby on what is traditionally my family's Christmas eve and I went numb. I couldn't tell anyone, I didn't want anyone to know, I felt so broken. There was nothing I could do it make it stop, there was no way to save this little life I loved and I felt like I had failed as a mom and as a wife, afterall, it was my job to protect my child(ren) but all I could do was watch and feel my failure until a final blood test would say, "it's done."

So I woke up thinking about a shirt that has probably now outgrown my son, a shirt that had a message of excitement and hope and a shirt that turned into a painful reminder. I saved it thinking, "We'll still need this. He'll still wear this," but now I am not sure. Now I don't know but it wasn't until this morning that the actual shirt's fate and it's reality struck me. I showered remembering how I felt that Christmas-- this is the season we are celebrating the birth of Mary's son, the birth of baby Jesus but this season I am mourning the loss of my baby. It seemed wrong, unfair, and a painfully ironic.

Today I get questions: when will you have another? how is your body doing? and I get statements: you can't have just one! when you have your second baby....
I hear them, I store them, and later I regurgitate them to answer them for myself--I give reason to my heart to help me move on: "I think I am only meant to have one. I would be a bad mom to two kids. God has something to teach me." Funny thing is, the answers I give myself don't feel final, there is still this stifled hope that I am wrong but with each negative test I take and each physical problem I tackle along the way, I still hope. I wonder--if my job weren't so stressful, if I proved to be a better mom to my one, if I had enjoyed it more the first time, if if if....
I am so blessed to have one amazing little boy. Some days, I feel selfish even wanting more than what I have. Other days, I wonder, why does it come so easily for some and not others? Today, I am just taking a moment to cry about something that really hurts inside, something I don't talk about, and something that is so personal it has changed how open I usually am....

Urban Outfitters

2010-08-28T13:34:00.000-07:00

I've been in love with a few items at Urban and with a desire focus on the Master Suite, I've been doing some intense detail research all over the internet!I love the pillow cases that add a dash of the yellow that I'm looking for along with a happy message. The message board will be perfect for those early morning love notes to the hus since I leave for work before dawn breaks and he's still asleep.

In serious need of some curtains to cover our sliding glass door that faces an access street, I bit the bullet and purchased Urban's Waterfall Ruffle Curtains.
While I thought they would be completely overwhelming in our room, they add this soft, romantic feel which is exactly what I wanted.

So the real purpose of this post is actually to share some discount codes I found in case you too have found yourself in love (or even in like) with some of their fun home finds! I'm incredibly frugal so while these items are are way above what I usually spend, the discounts softened the blow.

The promotion code: CLASSACT will get you 10% off your purchase.
The promotion code: FALLFORIT will get you free shipping on any order.

To cash in on the savings, enter the codes at check out.

{You will need to enter one code initially and then when you see your total, hit EDIT in the payment box at the top of the screen before processing your order. You'll be able to enter the second promotion code at this time to get both discounts}

Planting Love

2010-08-26T17:01:00.001-07:00

Back in May when we bought our first home, I lovingly named our new project "Beauty for Ashes." It became that for me for a number of reasons, but the obvious is that the house had been abandoned, unloved, and forgotten.

My husband has wanted to own a home for years. For some reason, it was something that was hard for me to believe could happen (especially in California!) We had looked throughout the years but I always had a hard time seeing "potential" in what we could afford. I had unrealistic expectations for our first home and I didn't know how to get past them. Every time we looked, I never had anything good to say...until this house.
When I saw this house, I saw what it could be! I saw what it was going to be! I saw a home, I saw love, I saw a dream that could actually come true. It was oddly, my husband this time who took convincing. Like I said--it was pretty disgusting inside and out (we didn't even get decent photos of how horrible it was before landscaping demo cleaned the dirt up!)

4 months later, the house has a new face and above all, it has a new heart!
It will continue to be loved whole, it will continue to be seen for it's potential, and it has become beauty from ashes.

{The fence was a big project!
In the first photo you can see it was oddly pushed back from the curb and cut in around an access box. We pushed the fence out and squared it off so our munchkin could have more space to play!}

It is not lost on me how blessed we have been. It may have been overwhelming in unexpected ways, but it has been an incredible blessing!
We are so thankful!

PROJECT: Wallpaper Shelving

2010-08-25T16:03:00.000-07:00

Mission: Add Some Back Splash!

Inspiration:

As it turns out, what I thought I came up with in my head is actually a big trend at the moment--using wallpaper to spruce up the mundane!
Here's one source for example!

So, for the cupboards in the first photo--which are filled with stuff that "isn't quite in it's place yet"--I am trying to figure out which route to go:
contact paper, wall paper, gift wrapping paper.

I just need a little something without a whole lotta permanent commitment!

Making House a Home

2010-08-24T18:35:00.000-07:00

The new house continues to come together....
baby steps.
A LOT of baby steps!
I keep finding that things don't seem like they are "in their place" yet.
Know what I mean?

So many new nooks & crannies.
So many open spaces.
So each day we live here--or I should say, each day I slow down a bit and breathe--I figure out a little more of what makes the house feel like home!

At the end of the day, it's the people that live in the house and the people that visit the house that make it home.
It's true.
But I do love styling it and surrounding it with beautiful, bargain friendly things!

Amore

2010-08-20T14:00:00.000-07:00

Ohhhh hello weekend, boy have you been eagerly anticipated!
The hus and I are off to Moss Beach this weekend for a photo shoot and my brain is on AMORE mode.
I am slowly finding my groove in this new life between the house and the job and I'm starting to resurface and it feels so nice.
Now, if I could just create more time...
hmm....
HAPPY WEEKEND!

Rescue the Room!

2010-08-18T06:00:00.000-07:00

I just realized---I never have shared before and after photos of our new home.
Hmph, time flies!
That may have been a misleading intro because neither of these pictures are our home
HOWEVER
they sure are inspiring me!

The hus has put in his request,
"I really want to finish our bedrooms!"
Dually noted hottie-honey!
I guess it's time to get re-inspired and something about these two photos really does it for me!

What are your inspirational blog sources for rooms?
Maybe I need to take some pictures of our blank canvas and get some of your input!
I have huge walls, tall ceilings and NO idea where to start...
other than with a wallet and a priority on a headboard.

What Will I Choose?

2010-08-17T21:01:00.000-07:00

I recently heard a message within sermon that understanding what God is doing in your life can be a lot like watching a Polaroid develop; the longer you wait, the clearer your understanding becomes.

This year, I have been challenged on the same subject repeatedly: What will you choose, Your family or {your own desires} {what others think of you} {your pride}?

This challenge was initiated back in February when I released a dream I was chasing. At the height of the dream taking a serious leap into the next phase, I heard the question: What Will I choose, my family or my own desires? I felt like I was at a crossroad and I could have chosen myself but I would have been saying "no" to the two boys God has given me. It was a heartbreak, a genuine and very real heart break but in it, I heard Him saying, "You will be rewarded."

In May, I was presented with a professional opportunity that has challenged me to learn new boundaries. When I say yes to work, I am saying no to my husband and my son. When I say "just a minute," I'm telling them what my coworkers think of me means more to me than what you have to say. At the end of my rope with time, I was brought to the same question...What will I choose, my family or what others think of me?

Today, another opportunity has come before me. It is an opportunity that says, "Perhaps you will have Fridays with your son, perhaps not. Perhaps you will work your same schedule, perhaps not. It will be hard, challenging...." Can I do it? Yes. Do I want to prove myself? YES. But here I was, eating pizza with my boys and realizing---it's happening again. I am being asked, What will I choose, my family or my pride?

I am staring at the Polaroid and shaking it waiting for that big picture to become clear. I am asking this question tonight: Why is the same lesson repeating itself this year? What is God trying to teach me? What am I missing that I am facing this "source of income" challenge that comes with the same question each time: What Will I Choose?

The picture is, at best, hazy, but I am hearing a message that brings me peace as I fight the butterflies and desire to unfold the unknowns, "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on [my] own understanding" Proverbs 3:5.

So tonight, as I lay me down to sleep, I pray the Lord my soul to keep... keep me in Your will, help me to continue to say YES to my family, help me hear what You are asking, and grant your servant favor, Lord. I am Yours to use and it all belongs to you.

Beneath the Good

2010-08-02T13:10:00.000-07:00

A simple question often evokes a simple answer.

"How are you?"
"Good. How are you?"
But what's beneath that?
What's beneath the surface of "good" that we aren't saying, that we aren't hearing, that we're not really asking, that we don't know?
The truth is, I am good but there is more to that good that I am not saying. Things that don't feel good, that don't look good, that aren't good, but I can't speak of them.

The question was too simple and my answer is too complicated.

***
I sat at a table I have sat at for decades with faces I have known the same amount of time. People I love so dearly I cry when I leave them. I cry for the changes, the gratefulness, and the appreciation. I cry for it all and I am left with a punch drunk emotional hangover digesting the tilt-o-whirl that is life, that is family.How am I?
I am good.
But beneath that--I am trying to compartmentalize who I am and the emotions {guilt, stress, love, happiness, anger, frustration, smiles} that go with each and every part of those compartments. At the moment, I am trying to understand why I was so upset over a passing incident that was not about me but I made it so.

I grew up in an incredible family of people with strong personalities. Men who were bred to provide, lead, and surpass the men around them. I was born into women who are secondary voices to the men but headstrong, opinionated, and achievers. I was born among men who work and women who sustain a home. The age old tale of my experience as a mother has been defined by the fact that these women's stories are not my own and I constantly feel other by expressed expectation and the absence of relation to my walk. It plagues me and has made it impossible to understand and appreciate my road and what I need to do. {tears}
I sat around a table this weekend talking. A grandfather, his granddaughters, and one grandson. As the grandson received an incoming business call, the grandfather addressed his appreciation for his grandson's dedication to his job and inside I boiled.

I boiled because a) I don't think business should ever come before family and a table should never be left for it b) I boiled because I would never be congratulated for professional dedication that took over a weekend. I would be asked, "what else can you give up to be home?" And in that moment, I wanted my phone to ring. I wanted to direct a call with "Did you receive the venue contracts and received countersigned documentation, update the database, inform marketing..." I wanted in inflate a piece of me that could perhaps prove my worth in an arena that could be identified with. However, this one piece...this professionalism I take on while being a married woman and mother will always make me other in my self understanding within my family.

What I wouldn't give to fill these bottles and watch these hands every day...what haven't I given to try???I grew up with and know an incredible family. I have the most beautiful family of my own. It never ceases to amaze me how challenging this road is to allow myself to be different, to know difference, and to come to appreciate the uniqueness of my own story. Instead I fight to shove my awkward jigsaw piece into a 50-piece puzzle and will continue to until I can just say, "this is who I am, this is my road, and I will make the best of it."

So, How am I?
I am good...
and beneath that good, there is just a bit more than you asked for.

Cute Reminders

2010-07-28T22:28:00.001-07:00

In The Dark

2010-07-22T21:50:00.000-07:00

I got in the car and I drove tonight.
I looked for a place to hide--a street corner, a beach, a parking lot--it didn't matter--I needed to cry....for the second time today.
Today was a really.rough day.
When I think of this morning, I actually have to ask myself, "Was that today or yesterday?"
As a woman, as a mother, as a wife, as a daughter, a friend, an employee--I am crushed.
Today I learned that "this is what an adult is" but I question it.
Is it?
This can't be it.
Not sleeping through the nights, waking up with my to do lists turning, genuine fatigue, loss of joy, extreme exhaustion. That all sounds like depression but I can tell you, what it is is a working Mom run ragged by expectation and a woman defeated by the impression that there is nothing I do that is appreciated or worthy of recognizing (even when I know it's not truth, it's how I feel).
I have N E V E R been so pushed to my limit and had to fight so hard to be successful while providing and caring for my family E V E R.
In my head, I question with a supremely heavy heart, "At what point is financial provision less significant than emotional provision?" because I can tell you, I am paying the bills and filling the fridge right along side my two job working man, but I have drained my savings account with overdraft fees on my emotional provision. In truth, I know the answer is financial provision is never more important than being emotionally present, but financial provision is a reality of life. In my home, I.Have.Failed.
I am genuinely plagued and heart broken.
Wondering, "Why can't I stay home? What if my midge IS the only one I get and I am missing it?! Why in the midst of SUCH.AMAZING.BLESSINGS am I brought to my knees to remember that my Father is a protector of the weak and he never lets go of my hand!? WHAT.AM.I.SUPPOSED.TO.DO?!"
I have never been here before.
It's dark but I TRUST. It's SO LONELY but I KNOW.
I don't understand and I am waiting on Him in this deafening silence.

thank full

2010-07-19T22:53:00.000-07:00

today i am thankful for...

a house that was clean for 30 seconds before the midge got to it ;)
money to buy my lunch
friends to watch a silly show with
a friend who worries about me & checks in on me at work
the value menu at burger king and the icees on that menu!
instant macaroni and cheese
the midge's kissing game at bed time
my hus who took a moment to tell me,
"I'm so happy with you. I have everything I want with you."
my job that allows me to give health care to my family.
my house...I can't believe I'm home.
my bedroom.

tonight i will fall asleep in praise instead of all the to do's left undone.

you'll always be my baby

2010-07-17T20:31:00.000-07:00

No matter how tired or worn out I am, I will always be your mommy.
If I can only give you my shoulder to rest your head on, my hand for you to hold, or a kiss on your precious nose, know I love you more than anything!
When the night seems to get the better of you, I'll crawl into your crib beside you even if it means tomorrow will come early and my day's focus will be hard.
Whether you're two or twenty, you will always be my baby.

I may not have a lot of energy to wrestle with you every day, but I will always wish I did.
I may not always read you a book, make you eat your vegetables, or take you to the park, but sweetie, I hope you know I wish I could do it all.
I may not always be the mommy you need me to be, but little love, no one could feel worse for that than me.

No matter how tired or worn out I am, I will always LOVE being your mommy.
If I can only have a Thursday Treat date with you after a week of leaving you at daycare, you have to know, that date is what I look forward to each week.
When the days seem to get the better of me, I hope you will always be okay crawling up beside me and losing ourselves in a movie as we zone out side by side.
Whether your two or sixty, you will always be my baby.

briefcase basketcase

2010-07-16T16:40:00.000-07:00

I find myself holed up in a room closing the daylight out and wanting to sleep.
I feel congested by my own thoughts and the voices I'm making others have.
I had to sit down and force myself to think and figure out how long we have lived in this new house because it seems that the fast forward button hasn't released me and I have no grasp of time.
So, this one is for all you workin' mama's out there...
how.do.i.keep.going?

I stepped into a new role at the office that has so much more responsibility.
It was a blessing--is a blessing--to have someone see my worth, to have someone offer me such a great position, but as it turns out, that whole "keeping the same schedule" thing was that *too good to be true* fine print.

I'm swamped and I don't know how to leave work at the office anymore.
It follows me like my shadow.

I am on empty with nothing left to give but with a toddler, there's never an off.
I find myself at my desk thinking,
"I wish I were with my son."
He's at this incredible age and I want to lose myself in his last baby days.
He's just growing up SO fast!
What if I am missing it because I am too tired.too over extended. too, too, too.

Really stuck.
So thankful for all I have.
And so stuck.

A Baby Shower

2010-07-13T17:37:00.000-07:00

This weekend I was blessed to co-hostess my beautiful Shannon's first baby shower along with her sister in Orange County.
I have been thinking about celebrating Shannon for months and seeing orange & green with every week of anticipation of the final day.
I may have been a little eager but loving on this dear friend of mine was embedded in my heart!
{Thank you, Jackie, for letting me share in your sisterly right!}

Things to know about Hostess-Jackie:
She always throws epic parties, she is an amazing hostess always opening her home, and oh--ya--
She just had her third boy 5 weeks ago and managed to host this beautiful party in her home and with thee kiddos under 5 beneath her feet!

Things to know about Shannon--the guest of honor:

She has the biggest heart of any one I know. She'd give you the shirt off her back, the last dime in her account, and words of wisdom from a Godly woman's heart any moment you ask her to.

Shannon, I love you as my sister.
Isaac is the luckiest little boy in the world.
The road will have it's bumps but you were made to be his mother
and he was made to be your son.
He is with you & for you in every moment of your journey.Details

Table Runner & "Nest" Placemat: IKEA
Bird Cages: Michael's Craft Stores
Mini Cupcakes: Home Made
Flowers: Costco and self arranged
Invitations (see bottom left, frame): Paper Source Materials & Hand Crafted.
Glittered Birds: Hand made adnorments
Cake: Jackie's Friend & inspired by the invitation
Tables,Chairs, Linens: Atlas Party Rentals

Details

2010-07-03T17:40:00.001-07:00

I've had a slow weekend and it's given me the opportunity to really sit in my house and start to settle it from a place of joy vs. distress. Let me tell you--it's been nice!

So while I'm nowhere near a big reveal--hence the large mirror on the floor in the picture below--I am at least able to start sharing some DETAILS. These cloches were an amazing find this weekend at only $9.99 each--pedestal & dome!
I went through my goodies and created a centerpiece for our dining table.
Until I make a plethora of treats to fill these, I thought it would be fun to fill them with things that make me smile: wine corks, giant pearls, vintage doily & burlap wrapped candle, and a LOVE trinket from my friend!Our kitchen has large open space above our cabinets. I instantly wondered what on earth I'd do to fill the space appropriately & reflected our style.
Thanks to the Pasadena Rose Bowl & my friend, I had all the pieces I needed.

This little lovely, the cart that is, came from an impromptu spree to my local antique store.
I woke up this morning feeling like, "I have to go today!"
I found 7 vintage orphans that now belong with me!
We have a large and beautiful antique kitchen table space around it that has just felt incomplete.
When I saw this, I knew...I needed a mini bar!

Well, until the next several projects shape up, this is what is new for today!

Tequila Soaked Sorbet

2010-06-29T20:38:00.000-07:00

Sometimes life needs a little simplicity

A LOT of laughter
and a sip'a liquor.
Here's the PERFECT recipe!Tequila Soaked Sorbet
1 pint lemon sorbet
1/4 cup best-quality tequila
Finely grated zest of 2 limes

I had the perfect excuse to try this amazing treat when a Mexican themed progressive dinner was arranged to celebrate our friends who are moving out of the area.
My house was the last stop--the dessert stop--so we wrapped up our high volume laughter evening with Senor Patron & some Trader Joe's Sorbet.
(*note, Mango is not the best option but Raspberry & Lemon were a hit!)

Although it had nothing to do with us and everything to do with loving on our friends, this was our first soiree in our new home!

Convicted

2010-06-25T08:37:00.000-07:00

I have found myself in that all to familiar hole again.

The hole of exhaustion, defeat, selfishness.
The hole that includes asking for much and giving little & saying yes to the wrong people and no to the right ones.
In an atmosphere of ultimate change from home to profession my adjustment has been less than stellar. It's as if my whole world flipped hemispheres and I have lost my balance to walk in grace, mercy, and love.
If you've tracked my blog for any amount of time, you'll know, this thing called "mothering" comes in waves for me. I constantly feel as if I am one week on and three weeks off.
In my "on" times, I am loving, patient, excited, & more selfless than usual.
In my "off" times I am every aspect of the word DONE.
I find no joy, it's all a burdensome load of work, my expectations for my two year old to function as a 28 year old are high, and my relationship to my husband is one that functions on exhaustion and score keeping.
It's a state of DONE that comes from being so ON everywhere else but in my heart.
ON in mobility, commitments, expectations that deplete the ability for me to be ON where it matters most: HOME.

In this time of adjustment I feel the weight of a new role at work that has me cast as "the new girl" where I am constantly reminded that I am not in High School anymore so at the end of the day, what matters is I am doing my job.
At home I come home and see the projects in piles and so much abounding newness that I am too overwhelmed to sit and enjoy this moment of excitement that will not last forever.
It's all a feeling very similar to when my son was just a baby. This weight of "I can't wait til this is over" and I am crushed in spirit as I desperately need to be here now before it's gone.

At the heart of me:
I miss my husband. I miss our friendship and ability to love without 10,000 things in between us that need to get done as he juggles two jobs + being the handy man of a new home.
I miss my son who's face lately seems to be in the way vs. my gift.

Convicted:
"Sons are a heritage from the LORD,
children a reward from him." Psalm 127:3
Convicted:
"Whoever can be trusted with very little can also be trusted with much" Luke 16:10
Convicted:
"Because of the privilege and authority God has given me, I give each of you this warning: Don’t think you are better than you really are. Be honest in your evaluation of yourselves, measuring yourselves by the faith God has given us." Romans 12:3

These are the words I have heard recently calling out to me knowing that my God is my Father who loves me and in His love can forgive me. He does not expect perfection of me as I humble myself before him, so why do I expect it of myself?

I am desperate for a heart change so this morning I am before Him saying,
"Lord, I am sorry for how I have been acting. I am sorry that the blessings have become burdens. I am sorry that I have said yes to extending my energy at work so when I come home I am saying no to my boys. Lord, I thank you for forgiving me and ask You to help me change today. Let me see my boys the way You do. Intercede and repair my empty heart. I thank You in advance for your healing. I love you, Father. Amen."

Key Strokes

2010-06-23T21:08:00.000-07:00

I use to unfold the layers of a day by writing. I'd shed each moment {happy, frustrating, funny, stressful, joyous} with each key stroke and then it would be done. I would be free to let today fly from my heart and be set to enjoy the moments, the days that followed. Lately, I can't even hear myself think let alone write. I'm exhausted and busy. I'm overcome with change, so much change that I can't settle myself into the moment but I'm on fast forward. My email box is something I get through. Facebook is something I do to space out. I'm on autopilot and I'm longing to S L O W down.
It's hard to "complain" about how fast pace and draining life feels at the moment when all that is fast paced and draining about it are beautiful blessings but I am tired now. I don't know how to cope with the disconnect of my own heart but I feel the girl that panics over buying a sweater, the girl that needs to write in order to be breathing {not just taking breaths}, the girl that wants alone time and doesn't fear it is across the street. I see her and I'm waving at her but I'm just too worn out to run full fledged toward her just yet.
I'm caught in the in between of longing & empty ... and yet SO blessed.

What Would I See If I Couldn't

2010-06-14T22:24:00.000-07:00

In the last 24 hours, something heavy has been pounding on my heart:
What would I see if I couldn't see?

Lately I find myself aware of how often I look out and judge.
I wonder why I do it. What's at the core?
Do I want to feel better about me? Am I jealous? Do I think I am better?
It's been choking me.
I want to stop.
I want to see hearts, not faces.
I want to see beneath vs. above.

I laid in bed last night aside my husband after a rough moment of attack from an outsider.
We faced it together and as we tried to retire and put that moment into perspective that evening, my heart poured out hours of thoughts & feelings I haven't had time to share with him. Thoughts I don't know if I have really had time to think.
Amongst many things I thought, I thought this...cautiously:
I wish I didn't have human sight.
The sight that judges, labels, stereotypes, assumes.
I wish I had the sight of a blind man--the sight that feels who someone is, learns to hear someone, learns to know someone.

In my relationship history with God I have found that when I say something, when I pray for patience or say "I never want to x-y-z" that He has been given the opportunity to move.
This is why I am cautious to say I wish I didn't have human sight.
I don't want to lose my vision, but I want to redefine what my vision is.
I wonder if this is something that can be done?
Can I learn to feel beauty vs. define it by what I know as "normal"

Just a deep thought on a Monday night.

I Like to Move it, Move it

2010-06-11T13:21:00.000-07:00

Okay, this is a half lie.

I like to MOVE it on the dance floor but I hate MOVIN' it in real life!
You know, boxes, junk, garage sales, swearing I'll never buy anything ever again
(except oops! I really need the cart full I just bought at Marshalls)
contractors, a sick munchkin, new sounds.
However, while it's been absolutely mayhem-ic it's been SURREAL.AWESOME.AMAZING!
Not only have we moved into our first home though,
I got promoted into a new position at work.
An abundance of blessings that have all meant a cyclone of CHANGE.

Right now I feel like my life's job description is as follows:
Wanted: Full Time Mother/Wife/House Keeper/Employee etc.
Must have a degree in accepting chaos
Must love juggling like a circus pro

Skill Set Must Include:

Bathing toddlers & simultaneously cutting hair while head thrashing and screaming.
Master sweeper, mopper, and shoe nazi, "SHOES! OUTSIDE! NOW!"
Husband's biggest fan, "Hubby, Hubby, He's my man! If He can't do it, I sure can't!"
Business Partner. Must not heavy sigh and say "no" when asked to help participate in making it run.
New Girl in the department at work. Must poop sunshine in spite of the 90% chance of rain.

Position Benefits include: 401K in relationship investment. Enhancing that be careful what you pray for request to develop PATIENCE. A Bull Market in Emotions.
Pay Rate: Sporadic Smooches when not too exhausted. A Dishwasher & A Beach Cruiser to Pedal Away when you just can't take the paint fumes any longer. Limited time for self focus and minimal opportunity to sleep.
Honestly. This season has been one CRAZY ride and we're still watching the dust settle. This has been a season of abundant blessings and faith growing.
We have seen Him in our life so clearly. How He's never left our side and how He has walked us into this abundant moment of love all along.
So GOOD!

Bedroom Inspiration

2010-05-22T20:51:00.000-07:00

Two years ago we moved into our current home the very day we brought our son home from the hospital.
It was our very first house we'd live in together and we became a family here.
Through our years in apartments, I never made where I lived mine always knowing I'd have to leave--until we came here. We put paint on the walls and started to shape our style.
HOWEVER
the one room that never got touched with any sort of love was our bedroom.

Despite picking out paint chips and the dreams of making it a romantic place,
we never had time, we never invested, we just made do with what we had.
It never felt relaxing, it was just a place to get to the next day.
All of that over share being said--
Our new Master Bedroom WILL BE TRANQUIL & A WISH come true! ;)Our bedroom's colors are Benjamin Moore: WISH + 1 accent wall of TRANQUILITY
Our bedding is already very similar to the bedding above only now our room will have the well loved (aka: vintage) touches and sunshine accents of yellow throughout.
I found some gorgeous lamps like the one pictured above at Marshalls for $40 each (the one above was from Target and $219!)
Our current entry table will be re*purposed to become our bedroom dresser and is actually more beautiful than the one above (a flea market find for $110).
I found a gorgeous armless vintage chair on craigslist for $50 and scored an upholstery fabric very similar to the Pottery Barn swatch above for $6 a yard!

I am counting down the days to having our very own bathroom, walk in closet, and space that is just about US!

Wishful Restroom

2010-05-21T21:54:00.000-07:00

I've been busy.
One of those busy things has been a little overwhelming and just today, got fun!
We get our KEYS next week and I'm finally starting to play.
We have our wall colors picked
(kinda scary considering we won't know what it looks like until we move in)
and now it's down to the details!
Our palette is all considerably soft and natural.
Just thought I'd start sharing my inspiration boards.

The Guest Bathroom:

Our wall color for the guest bathroom is Benjamin Moore: WISH.
The hallway wall and our son's room which will also have an influence as they surround the bathroom are Benjamin Moore: HUSH & AGAVE.
With that palette in mind, I became incredibly inspired by the idea or romance & retreat.
All of these pieces are my ultimate restroom inspiration but would require a massive splurge on the shower curtain--which I swore I'd never do again--so, we'll see!

Shower Curtain: Anthropologie, $80
Zinc Letters: Anthropologie, $14 each
Apothecary Jars: Crate & Barrel, $54 for the set
Flower Box: Urban Outfitters, $12

28

2010-05-18T06:07:00.000-07:00

Today, I am 28.
I kinda like that number.
It's round and pretty and...well, I think that's it.
Life has been FULL of chaos but the sort that is good.
The only way I have been able to describe what it all feels like though is this:
the IDEA of eating an entire chocolate cake seems divine
actually doing it will make you throw up.

So many amazing, God given blessings have "suddenly" appeared that I am personally spinning.
All of these amazing things mean BIG change and, as I've said before, while I love change in my pocket, it's a bit harder to deal with in my lived out life.
We are preparing to move, working weekends, and now I'm changing positions at work.
I am absolutely in awe and find myself overwhelmed with emotion.

So, today I'm 28 and I am thinking back on some of the biggest moments in my life
(in no particular order)
1. Trying without the fear of failure.
2. Learning when to say no.
3. Forgiving.
4. Learning what LOVE really is.
5. Discovering my spiritual gifts.
6. Obedience, even when it hurts.
7. Being Willing to answer a call.
8. Seeing complacency and striving to abandon it.
9. Pursuing the art of intention.
10. Relationships, they come and go and take work to remain.
11. Realizing words don't last, but actions do.
12. Defining my character.
13. Prayer and the power of it.
14. Mom. To become one, to love one, to see we're all just so painfully human.
15. Dreams are meant to be chased and meant to change.
16. Giving. It gives back ten fold.
17. Mercy. It has been given to me.
18. HEALING
19. Humility
20. Surviving.
21. Victory.
22. Marriage.
23. Commitment.
24. Dedication.
25. Worship.
26. Learning to live by who God says I am, not by those in my small world.
27. Praise. Learning to give it all back to where it came from because this life is His.
28. Seeing my imperfection and realizing, I can't be anything but imperfect.

Amazing what one person can see, accomplish, do, feel, experience, lose, love, grow in, excel at, achieve, accomplish in just one life.
For the years to come, may I see it all and know....

Faith is when you don't have the answers...

2010-05-11T13:58:00.000-07:00

Lately I have been challenged to GIVE.

GIVE what I don't feel I have. GIVE what God has actually given me first. GIVE because He asks me to. GIVE to receive. I mean--GIVE.

This is an area that is hard for me.

In my mind I think: I work hard for this. I make little and have life to pay for. I want things. I need things.

In my heart I know: I have much, so how can I release what I have been given to bless others.

A few weeks ago I was reminded by my dear, dear, dear friend what GIVING means.

She is a woman who has stories that would knock your faith's socks off with how God gave to her through her obedience to give to others when He asked.

She made ME want to stretch my faith.

She reminded me--just today even--that faith is not about having the answers. Having the answers means you have knowledge, having faith means moving forward without them.

So, during that time when God was using her to speak to my heart, I listened.

As I drove home from work, KLOVE radio was hosting their Spring Pledge Drive and I felt God tell me to GIVE.

The station was asking for people to give $20. I felt like He said, "Give $30."

I pulled over on the side of the road and I gave $30.

Now, here's a funny part.

I ended up finding that I had been double charged.

I called my friend and told her, "Can you believe it? It was so hard for me to give and then I got charged twice! Hahaha. Am I learning a lesson or what?"

She said, "You've got two options, call and ask for the money back and be blessed regardless or let it stay and be blessed double."

I loved that response.

Today I am BLESSED.

Today I got to see what that $30 was all about and hear Him tell me, "I will never ask you to give what you can't afford to" along with "You can NEVER out-give me."

These lessons in giving have grown my heart exponentially!!

Now, all I can say is

WHEN CAN I GIVE NEXT!?

Tracing A Miracle

2010-05-05T20:55:00.000-07:00

Today I am celebrating the announcement of something HUGE.

Today I am looking back at the tantrums I threw when I misinterpreted God's "not yet" answers as "no."

Today I feel silly & humbled but also victorious & thankful!

I am tracing the steps that brought us to a miracle:

WE ARE IN ESCROW ON OUR 1ST HOME!
For four years my husband and I have looked at homes.
We have felt discouraged and defeated in the process.
I admit, there was a sense of entitlement along the road, a questioning of "why not me when everyone else..."
and it was ugly and hard.
For four years we have committed to a life style of living on little to pay off our student debt.
We agreed, sacrifice NOW to gain later.
It has been amazing and it has been hard.
We have always been content--but there were the moments we'd look out (those greener pastures moments)
but this house
this house we're in escrow on is our miracle.

So I am retracing how we got here.
I am tracing the outline of the picture of this miracle.
It came from prayer but above all,
it came from His goodness and not because I deserve it.
I am so ready to love this unexpected dream home whole again.
I'm ready to clean up its past and paint it's future with love.
REJOICE!
I trace and praise this beautiful blessing, Lord, and I proclaim:

"...But as for me and my household, we will serve the LORD."
~ Joshua 24:15

Fists & Fat

2010-05-03T07:44:00.001-07:00

Sometimes parenting can really kick me in the arse

I mean REALLY!

But mostly, when I surrender the control issue and really step back, it's mostly just a kick in the pants - as in funny (sorta).

At the very least, it's humbling.

Like, as my "Evil Spawn" took a break from his spawn-ity and cuddled I found myself in awe of his tenderness. He quietly rested on my chest and just rested saying

Ma-me, Ma-me, Ma-me

over and over.

TO.DIE.FOR.

but suddenly, his little hand just started to move

and next thing I knew

a fist full of my stomach rolls were in his hand and he just squeezed, released. squeezed, released.

Somehow, I did not throw him across the room in shock

I laughed

"Baby! No! {giggles} Don't play with mommy's fat!"

Seriously.

The amount of imperfections I find in myself through this one role - PARENTING - is daunting.

May as well laugh (when I release the grip I have on my own hair) along the way.

A letter to myself...

2010-04-30T15:00:00.000-07:00

Dear Self,

You use to come here often. You use to write and you'd leave feeling like you could move forward, move on, move up, but we haven't talked in awhile. I'm not sure where you've been, but I've missed you. I know the road through life has ups and downs. I know you've been walking an up and down road for the last few months, but I want to tell you a few truths amidst the lies that try to defeat you:
You are loved.
You are worthy.
You are worth loving.
I think you forget these things. I watch you get caught up in looking out and seeing those greener pastures and they bring you down. I watch you trip but it's time to pick yourself back up. Stop looking at all the books you've bought and letting them collect dust. Pick them up, read them like you planned. Start living again because you and I both know there is SO much to live FOR.
Take a minute- count your blessings. Recognize your truths:
-You have an INCREDIBLE husband who's gifts of patience and endurance fill in where you are weak.
-You have a beautiful son who's perfectly healthy. Nickname him Evil Spawn if it makes you laugh, but realize, he LOVES you and he just wants to be understood.
-Remember, you act a lot like your son when you feel misunderstood or when you are misunderstanding the "Not Yet's" in life as "No's"
-You are creative. It will never match the talents of others, it will only be yours and what you can do.
-People are just people. Stop fighting the reality of who people are and start accepting them how they are. In the wake of those realities, do what you need to do to take care of you because no one else is going to do it for you.
-You have some amazing friends and some amazing family members. Get back in touch with them. Give what you don't have: energy, and you will find it again.
-Forgive & move forward.

You started this year with a mantra, this year would be THE YEAR OF INTENTION. Resurface your heart and keep fighting. This life's a good one and your God is a GREAT God. Stand up-Worship-FIGHT every day for truth!

Welcome back, self. I've missed you!

A Big Top Birthday

2010-04-26T18:27:00.000-07:00

The Midge is 2!
...and there's just something about it that's oh so
{awesome.unpleasant.amazing.exhausting.exciting.trying}
it's a wee bit like a carnival ride.
Sometimes I wonder, "Did the carnies include ALL the pieces for this seemingly unsafe ride?"
and others I think, "This is more amazing than cotton candy.I seemingly had no idea how much of a metaphor his party theme would actually be,
but while totally exhausting--it was totally worth it.
I had so much fun giving my brain 2 months to come up with the little details that made this day fun for me
(and hopefully others).

So the company is gone.
The family has left.
And the amazing red velvet cake has been eaten.
We are tired but alive and have so much to be thankful for!
{like a healthy, totally normal, testing boundaries midget monster!}

A Ca$h kind'a life

2010-04-14T08:12:00.000-07:00

Living on Cash is something that I feel I am hearing a lot more of these days and yet it is something my hus and I have literally always done. We have an emergency credit card but we learned early on to live only with what we could afford. Today there are courses by people like Dave Ramsey who are teaching people to live the way we have for over three years.

During the course of our marriage, we have felt financial discouragement as we've felt like we've watched the material world surpass us but all along the way we've said, "We're doing this the right way for us." Now we are encouraged as we listen to people like Dave give financial tips that we already have in place because we had to. They are things that we have just done on our own and they have set us up for a stronger future (which has been what our temporary sacrifices have been ALL about!)

So I wanted to take a minute to share some of the ways that we live within our means...

No Cable. $100 a month is a lot to watch TV. During our first year of marriage we decided that we would not have cable so we would invest our time more wisely in each other. This has been an awesome choice for us. We utilize Netflix instead for $15 a month

Virtual Cash Envelopes. We use mint.com for our monthly budget for Groceries, Baby, & Date Nights. Each time we spend money, we reclassify the expense by logging into mint that's connected with our banka ccount so it deducts from our monthly allotments. It keeps us very focused on spending wisely, using coupons, and within our budget. Many people use actual cash envelopes but to us, taking out our full monthly allotments at once isn't an option and it's less convenient to go to the bank. If you can be organized enough to go virtual it works.

Entertainment. This falls under the date night category but we've found great tricks to saving money on our date nights, too. One is to buy your movie tickets from Costco where they sell two movie tickets for $15 vs. spending $10 each at the theater. $5 is a lot of savings! Another fun thing is that our families know we enjoy our date nights so birthdays and holidays often yield restaurant gift cards.

Lists. We love lists in this house (Okay, I love lists). We have a Home Project List, a Dream List, and an Activity List. Whenever we feel the "I'm bored itch" coming on we check our list and automatically have something to do and it's often free. Walking downtown, going to Farmer's market, Local community events, Beach Walks, Free Museums. Theme parks, unless it's Disneyland, all have coupons so you can even put a little savings aside and make that an all day date. Lists keep us accountable to spending our most valuable asset, time, wisely.

Grocery Games. Spending the time to peruse the weekly grocery store ads can be consuming as can coupon hunting, but turning it into a game makes it fun. Each week I scour the ads for what's on sale and keep my meal list to what will save me the most money. Between my Club Cards, Coupons, and Ad scouring I end up saving a lot and I'm always proud to come home and say, "Guess how much I saved today?!" Planning in advance is like putting money right back in our pockets.

Online Banking. Save on stamps, envelopes, and time! Set up automatic bill pay online and eliminate the stress and wasted time of bill paying!

Online Shopping. Using amazon.com has been a huge money saver for us with my son's supplies like diapers and wipes, especially when he was a newborn. The free shipping alone is saving gas money and the ordering eliminates the hassle of loading the midge in and out of the car as well as lets me use my time wisely--I can shop while he naps. Sites like dealnews.com are great places to find freebies like coffee at Starbucks or smoothies at Jamba Juice.

Eliminate your Land Line. If you have cell phones, you're already paying for your minutes and if you're like me, the one person you really talk to is your spouse so free mobile to mobile is better than the extra $50 for a house phone.

Fun Fund. Our fun fund is our house fund. We keep our home money in cash and as we find something we love it's not a burden to buy it. A) We don't see the money leave our bank account and have to sacrifice a weeks' worth of groceries and B) The money we're saving goes exactly to what we intended to use it for vs. being wasted on something else because we see an extra increase in our account. (*Our home fund is built as we sell things off of craigslist or put cash gifts into it)

Build the Savings Account. Our bank accounts are automatically set up to deduct a specified amount from each of our paychecks into our savings account. It's money that is a part of our budget. Yes, we budget for our savings account. We also budget for our son's savings account as well as his Education Savings Account.

So that's how we do some of it. Don't get me wrong, we continually have to work at squashing the immediate gratification bug but we are always proud when we resist! Yes, having good credit is important, thankfully we have that. But living on credit is not the way we can protect us and keep our monetary life in perspective. We love saving. It's actually really fun for us but it also takes a lot of work and adjustment if you aren't use to it. I believe you can do it though if you aren't already! Start with one thing and become great at it and then take on something new! Baby steps. One thing at a time!

How do you save?!

Son Missing. Replaced with He-Devil.

2010-04-12T12:30:00.000-07:00

It would happen that we experienced "The exorcist of the Midge" last night.

It was just par for the course of my heart's emotions in the last week.

Already on the brink of giving in to my desire to crawl in bed and stare at the wall for hours,

this was the last straw.

He's two weeks shy of being two and it's like someone flipped a switch.

I was close to putting up a missing persons ad:

Loving nearly-two year old missing. Replaced with Chucky-esque monstrosity. If cute blonde baby is found, please return him to his parents. Mother on verge jumping in car and driving off the coast.

I wanted to make myself laugh at the very thing that was catapulting me into the thought-pit of failure.

I know "terrible-two's" is a phrase for a reason but I had NO idea that it could be like this.

We went to put Midge in bed last night that and that was all it took...

Out came a convulsing, screaming, body throwing maniac and I went right into:

He learned this at school! He's not going back!

If I were a stay at home mom, this wouldn't happen.

If I played with him more, he'd still be OK.

This is about ME!

There was no talking me off the ledge, I was broken.

My heart was on the floor and I was in a puddle of "I can't do this. I am not made for this."

Along with all the other inadequacies I have been feeling lately, I just couldn't stomach this.

It made me feel like my mom was right--I shouldn't have more kids.

It made me feel like maybe we should just move to Oregon and my dad can help us.

It made me want to give in to all of my bad thoughts and just surrender.

And still--I want to cry.

Even though I've now been told I'm not alone.

I still, very deeply, feel the weight of the thoughts of others who are on the outside looking in and feeling like

"They're all right. I am failing by working. I would be failing to add another child to our family. I have just FAILED."

And it's dark inside my heart right now.

It's dark and lonely and while I fight the anxiety, the panic, the depression

I fight it alone and with the desperate desire to be OK.

I fight it with prayer, even though my heart feels like it's shut off and unable to feel it and the words feel forced and the love feels absent.

God, I'm trying!

Missing: mother's sanity.

If found, please return!

;)

2010-04-07T07:27:00.001-07:00

I've been more than a little distant lately but my heart is going through some stuff.

I have been doing a lot of reflecting on this:

The Armor of God ~ Ephesians 6:10-18

¹⁰Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. ¹¹Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes. ¹²For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. ¹³Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. ¹⁴Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, ¹⁵and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. ¹⁶In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. ¹⁷Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God. ¹⁸And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the saints.

It's amazing how hard it is to get my head and heart to retain truth- that ultimate truth being it is not this world or how it thinks of me that matters, but it is how my Father loves me.

I'm trying to fight and it's a minute to minute thing.

I'm reading Battlefield of the Mind by Joyce Meyer, praying with friends, & surrounding myself with worship- for what I put into my heart will come out (or that's the hope).

In a very real (and USC sense), Fight On!

The "US" in Uterus is Deceiving

2010-04-05T16:33:00.000-07:00

Recently there has been some interest my uterus.
More specifically than interest in my uterus is the interest in it's intention for future reproduction.
I hesitate to use such strong words however when someone looks at my nearly two son and says
"So when's the next!"
I feel it's equally as "shocking" to ask such a thing as it is to use words such as "uterus" and "reproduction."I recently had to make a tough work decision.
I was given the opportunity to expand my job knowledge by working for two weeks in Hawaii--with my family none the less.
However, the two weeks just so happen to fall over my son's birthday.
In the interest of family, a party I've already planned, and well--perhaps a little bit of my sanity--I passed on the opportunity to spend two weeks in a tropical office.

When recently questioned to explain why I chose to bypass the opportunity-beyond the fact that it's my son's 2nd birthday I was struggling to find an answer that appeased, it was suggested to me that perhaps I should use the cousin line to "I'm on my period" that would close the door on the questioning--something like, "I'm scheduled to spend time with my husband that week if you know what I mean!"
While I laughed at the thought of how sitcom funny, not real life funny that would be, it reminded me of the twenty questions I received over Easter...

"Wouldn't Midge look great with a sibling? So, it's about that time for another one, right? Or my favorite, you did so well the first time, why not another!"

To answer all: 1. I think he looks great without a crying baby next to him. 2. Not sure what YOU mean by time for another but are you offering to provide live in assistance or at least a weekly babysitter? and 3. Ew. Lets just not talk about that.

So, in an effort to really answer the looming question that seems to be lingering on the palette of family onlookers:

"The application process for opinions on the future of my uterus is now closed. please keep all further applications to yourself and file under 'none of your business'"

PS- I say this with 96.7% laughter and humor.
While I'm open about a TON of personal issues, my reproduction timeline isn't one of them.

Creative Wedding Inspiration

2010-03-25T19:55:00.000-07:00

The wedding season is upon us and it is definitely around our house!
As the Hus preps for a busy summer photographing couples gettin' hitched
I can't help but think of all the beautiful locations he'll be shooting & the fun things he'll see!

Needless to say, I got a little inspired when I found two new-to-me Etsy Shops.
How cute would the initial pin be as a boutonniere instead of flowers?!
Images 3 & 5 are alternatives to ring bearer pillows!

1-3: April Hiler Designs 4: A{touch of}Love 5: Wise Impressions

Happy Weekend, Friends!
I'll be knee deep in my junk that could become someone else's treasure
(SPRING CLEANING Garage Sale time!)
Woop, woop!

Roses are Red, Violets are Blue...

2010-03-24T12:28:00.000-07:00

...Roseola is not fun but I'm rooting for Red & Blue

Confused?

Let me explain....

The midge is just finally recovering from Roseola.

After 4 days of a high temperature, it broke and then came the rash.

I'm just relieved to have an answer and to know it's almost over!

In other silly news...

my College basketball team is heading on to the Sweet 16.

Go, Saint Mary's!!

So while my fellow alumni will gather at ATT Park in San Francisco on Friday to root for our team with a fabulously funny event called

GAELS GONE WILD

I'll be cheering from my driveway as I organize a garage sale and await my Twitter Updates!

{I have never been as obsessed with March Madness as I am this year...just ask my friend, Shannon...}

104 & Icky

2010-03-21T15:11:00.001-07:00

Last night was one of those long parenting nights.

Again, the Midge was sick.I'm actually embarrassed to even say this because I feel like it's ALL I say.
I feel like someone is going to accuse me of Munchausen syndrome but I swear. It's not the case!
On Friday night, the little one came down with a fever.
I was sad, shocked, frustrated.
{HOW does he have a fever? He's on his last few days of Amoxicillin!}
But there we were, with our boy in our bed fighting a fever.
By Saturday, we couldn't get it below 100.
As he was once again in our bed at 104 degrees this time
I just stared at him.My husband laid hands on our baby and prayed and then he said the EXACT thing I was thinking as I looked helplessly at his bare and diapered body,
"We have a lifetime ahead of us with nights like this."
And I ached.
We do.
I quietly looked at him and spoke,
"In all of our preparing, we never prepared for nights like this."And it's true.
As parents we have prepared for a future of schooling.
We have prepared for growth spurts by purchasing clothes.
We have prepared for his financial freedom by building a savings account for him.
We prepare for his greatness...
and we just tackle the moments of folly.
In my head I feel ridiculous.
The ER again?
Yes. Because an ice bath wasn't cooling him.
A $32 phone call to speak with a nurse through our after hours pediatrician line and we had no direction as to WHAT.TO.DO.NEXT.
Tylenol wasn't reducing anything.
And then he started vomiting.
Then I was done.
5:24 am and I couldn't do it anymore.Here's something I willingly admit-
when it comes to my son and moments of panic I do NOT stay calm or rational.
My husband ends up having to sternly talk me into submission--
snap me out of crying or frantic verbal urgency.
How do I reign this in?
How do I STOP freaking out or reacting?
Grr.

This has been a long weekend.
And tonight I get to call in to find out if I've been called in for Jury Duty.
I'm wiped out but hanging in just fine.
Wouldn't mind a subtle five second "WHY MEEEE" dramatic cry on the front lawn
but I'm totally fine.
Just kinda worn out and not sure how I'd ever do this with more than one midglet.

{All Images by Sadie Olive}

Hello Spring!

2010-03-18T07:00:00.000-07:00

This week we had a back yard, on the grass, whip out a blanket picnic for dinner.

{We even busted out the quality wine ;}

With as beautiful as the evenings have been, I couldn't pass up the opportunity!

And while it looks relaxing and calm....

What you don't see here is:

Our cat who ended up eating the Midge's quesadilla

The wine that spilled all over the blanket

The pasta that didn't cook all the way through and ended up quite cold.

Vegetables on our plate ("because we at them all" is not the reason)

But at the heart of it was great intention.

The intention to pour love on my boys.

The intention to break routine.

Sure, wine glasses & place mats & cloth napkins were a little excessive

and yes, a little more work

but I think that part was for me

{Yes, it was.}

And at the end of it, we got to say

"HELLO SPRING"

and my heart was full just imagining all the playing we'd be doing this year

in our very own back yard.

Treasures

2010-03-16T16:52:00.000-07:00

Today was one of those days.
The kind that just FEELS all consuming and overwhelming.
Today though, I put on my gloves and punched my heavy heart right in the face.
I cured it with a little special something.I picked up my Midge from school and decided TODAY we would go on a date.
I would deem today our first official date.
The kind where we get an ice cream sundae
(or a frozen yogurt)
and share it with two spoons.
That kind of date.

And it was perfect.
I mean, PERFECT.
He said "mmmm"
I smiled
We got messy
I recentered-refocused-recharged.
It was worth the $4.45...SO worth it!

As we got in the car and drove away I took a moment to just tell him
"Mommy is going to be different! Mommy is going to think about what really matters MORE!
Mommy is going to start caring about what makes you and Daddy and me happy and stop worrying so much about everyone else. I promise buddy. I'm gonna try!"

And somehow, speaking those words out loud to my little boy
hearing me confess this struggle
{and eating ice cream}
seemed to make it better for today.
Come what may but chocolate & some love saved my heart today.

Craftastic Frousins

2010-03-15T21:00:00.000-07:00

This past weekend I was able to be with my frousin (my cousin who is also my friend).

You probably know her. She's sorta fabulous!

After she redid her craft room I begged, pleaded, sobbed until she gave in and let me come soak up space in her beautiful Pasadena home!

We ate. We sipped wine. We shopped. We partied (2 year old style). We crafted our guts out!

I mean we're talking up til' midnight, grab the munchies, stay in the jammies, cut, glue whatever is around you crafting.

It.Was.HEAVEN.

I felt like a little girl on Christmas Eve sleeping amidst ribbons and a sewing machine and buckets and bins of inspiration!

Our craftastic weekend ended with one of my favorite parts- the Rose Bowl Flea Market.

A couple skinny vanilla latte's and 1 special friend later, we were off together like three little besties in a suburban aching to be filled with sought out treasures!

So, yah, I finally got to hug Tara in REAL life!

While we send each other email hugs throughout the months, a real one is SO much better.

You know what's amazing about my bloggy friends?!

The fact that "meeting" them isn't weird.

There's the anxiety of, "Wait. What if I'm a nerd in real life and they only like me in my blog?!"

(it's possible)

HOWEVER

it ends up like sitting with someone who knows your heart -- cuz they do!

Tara knows my heart and I feel like I know hers.

So I didn't meet Tara for the first time this weekend, I simply hugged her for the first time!

Let me tell you, she's the sweetest.

If only I could have stayed longer with my frousin and frog (hm, no real combo for a blog friend....)

These girls would be THE.BEST to slumber party with!

Perhaps in June....

Thank you Tracy for being the amazing hostess you ALWAYS are!

Love is ALL You Need

2010-03-10T11:08:00.000-08:00

{Remember how I mentioned my hus was out of town? The midge ended up coming down with bronchitis & I've been out of work + home without internet. I've been writing in the wee hours as I wake to care for my lil' one. Here's what I would have posted on Monday night.}

This morning started as a mothering disaster. Perhaps disaster is too strong a word but you couldn’t tell my heart that I was being irrational.

Mothering, parenting, selflessness--none of that has come easily to me. I didn’t find pregnancy to be this beautiful process and the miracle of life. I found it daunting, all consuming, and discouraging. While I believed having the excuse to “get fat” would be nice, finding my face reflection most often in the porcelain that was my various apartment toilets was not. While some people choose pregnancy, I was surprised by it. I of course know how it happened, I was just not sure why.

During the first year of my son’s life, I was in a war that I will always remember. I battled this ideal scenario I had in my head, but the problem was, the scenario constantly varied. One day, my ideal could be being a stay at home mom and the next I was glad I worked. I spent the first 365 days of motherhood in an infinite state of self division and I hated how I felt in it.

It was never about my son. My son has always been amazing. It has always been about ME. I look at some women in my life who have raised their children and are now in their next phase of life and I fear becoming them. For these reasons, and so many other deep rooted ones, I am determined to both love my son obsessively and release him willingly. I am determined to raise my son but maintain who I am. I am determined to nourish my son’s make-up with encouragement but return to my marriage and it’s freedom when he is grown. This seems to be task that requires daunting amounts of balance and relatively constant confusion.

Today, I dropped my son off at day care and as I listened to another little girl his age speak so clearly to her Mom, my heart broke as I rendered myself incapable of raising an advanced, intelligent, capable child. I walked away feeling--less than, parentally impotent, & crushed in my spirit of mothering. I asked myself, what have I done wrong? And the comparison game began: he doesn’t eat like so and so, he doesn’t know how to work an iphone like so and so, he doesn’t speak like so and so.

Tonight, I came home from work to a little boy who ran at me with open arms. He grabbed my hand and told me to “deh-dow” (get down). He put his little hands on my face and kissed me on the lips and just looked in my eyes and then began to giggle. And then I stopped. I stopped questioning if I was good enough. I stopped wondering if I let him watch too many movies. I stopped telling myself that I have done him wrong. I knew above all else that I can teach him, he needs to know that he is loved and my little boys KNOWS he is loved.

In the past several weeks my bond with my baby boy has changed infinitely. I know the reasons why. I know that every moment I learn to balance both setting myself aside and making room for who I am, that my baby boy receives the best of me. I know that I make mistakes that cause me to constantly evaluate how I can be a better mom. I know that while once I could handle the “cry it out” method there is something deep seeded in me that chooses to have him kick me off of my side of the bed just so I can hold him a little longer. One day I will have to let go, but that day is not today.

While today started like a dagger through the chest (and I mean that quite literally) it has ended by proving, not to be trite, that Love is, in fact, all you need.

Man Munch

2010-03-08T03:00:00.000-08:00

Happy Monday, Friendlies!
I have to say--I am a wee bit frantic today.
I have been a single parent for 24 hours now.
My hottie hus left for a big photography conference in Vegas with some of his local photographer buddies until tomorrow evening!

I have been e.x.t.r.e.m.e.l.y nervous about being alone with my midge and working and getting him to school and picking him up and feeding him and functioning...
I depend on my husband so much. He's my teammate!
Anyway, to refocus some of my pent up anxiety, I made him and his buddies some snack bags.
Excessively sweet snack bags actually.
And to make them sound more manly they're actually called Man Munch bags ;)

Did you do anything craftalicious this weekend?

{Man Munch Supplies}
Paper Lunch Bags from the Dollar Tree
Green Bar Code Tape from Michael's Dollar Bins
Snacks from Trader Joe's
Raffle tickets from Etsy & hand stamped at home, tied on with some baker's twine

Marriage vs. Motherhood

2010-03-02T14:00:00.000-08:00

{a look back in time}

I stumbled across a blog the other day that has had me thinking ever since. The entry was centered around the question, "Is being a wife or a mother harder?" The writer expressed her opinion that marriage was harder. She exposed her truth and it saddened me as she expressed that marriage is something she feels she can walk away from while children are not a being that you can divorce.

I have been reeling in the brief moments of silence I have over her answer and over what my answer would be. My answer goes something like this...

Marriage is work. There are days that it is easier to wear than others. Marriage can feel like the confidence of wearing a new shirt or it can resemble a freshly washed pair of jeans that one can't squeeze themselves into some days. On the "tight jeans" days thought it just means I have to work a little bit harder--I have to stretch the pants out until they loosen little, make them fit the way they did before putting them through the washer. At the end of the day though, when I've put in the work to wear them in again though, they feel good, comfortable, and irreplaceable. In the grand scheme of things, a good

pair of jeans is just as good as a brand new shirt.

I realize I am comparing the most sacred union between man and woman to clothes but I can't quite find another way to say what I am feeling. If marriage were easy, we wouldn't see so much failure. If

marriage were easy, counselors would be out of jobs. If marriage were easy, making light of the disagreement the night before with your friends wouldn't be as funny.

For me- marriage is easier than motherhood if we're creating the notion that these two roles are jobs. I ultimately chose to be married. My husband dropped down to one knee and held out a diamond ring and asked me, "Will you marry me?" and I said "Yes." I said yes to the days we'd look at each other with the eyes of new lovers and to the days where we'd wonder if our emotional bank account would make it. I say yes to him and to us every single day. In marriage, I have a partner and a friend who tackles the have-to's with me. I have a friend who knows me better than I do. I have a friend who holds my hand when we are walking freely from worldly stresses and when the going gets tough. In marriage I have a true love and an eternal friend.

In motherhood, I have a being who is in constant need of me. Sometimes the sheer weight of motherhood feels like it could

break me. The voices of women who have all of the answers, the lives of women who have different arrangements, the pressures to prepare and to be everything at every moment. I can hold my son and be both in awe and exhaustion simultaneously. If anything, motherhood makes marriage harder. Now I have two people who need me with one significant difference: one is independent the other is entirely dependent. Mothering within marriage calls for an extra cup of alertness--to be alert enough that I don't put my child above my husband for according to what I believe, it is God first, Husband second, and Son third (however, that priority list often gets skewed.) It's easy though to forget the independent person in my life and focus on the dependent one who cries or giggles with all that he is at any given moment.

In the end, I realize that any one could look at me and tell me what I'm doing wrong or how I need to be more grateful but what they don't know is how grateful I am. I am grateful beyond words for the life I have, for all that I have been given and do not deserve. In my humanity, however, I struggle. I struggle with who I am, who I am not, and who I want to be. Motherhood and marriage are amazing blessings, and like anything in life, they have their trying moments.

a prayer...

2010-03-01T16:13:00.000-08:00

About four years ago our old church released a worship CD with songs my friends (the worship team) had written. I found that CD the other day and it's been playing in my car on my drives.

Today, one of the songs written by my friend Katy came on and it had a whole new meaning.
It felt like the Holy Spirit had reached in my heart and pulled out exactly what I was trying to pray but couldn't put into words.The song put me in line with Him, and with the song on repeat, I let it be my prayer.
I let it be what I couldn't find the words to say, I let it be my plea and my reminder that He is always with me.

These lyrics are a reminder that when I am desperate to come to Him and hear Him, he will find a way into my heart, renew me with love, and restore my strength regardless of how closed to understanding my heart can feel.

You are the friend that I need and the Father who holds me.
You love me just as I am and the way You'll make me to be.
And when I, I fall apart still it's You who holds my heart.

Here I am before you now and
I cry out for more of You
I am broken and you are Healer
and I cry out for more of You.

You are the rock that I stand on and all I'll ever need
I'm lost you call out my name and come and rescue me.
And when I fall apart sill its You who holds my heart.

And it's Your love that brings me new life
And it's Your love that I see in your eyes
And Your love is how I survive.

Here I am before you now
And I cry out for more of you.
I am so broken but you are Healer and I cry out for more of You.

Party for TWO: Part II

2010-02-26T03:00:00.000-08:00

And the party's starting to shape up!
I personally LOVE inspiration boards because they help me FOCUS.
I get SO many ideas in my head that I lose where I'm going.
So, here it is...
My 2nd inspiration board for Midge's 2nd birthday
but the theme is final: Country Carnival!{Invitation: Oh Hello Friend
Cupcakes with Pinwheels: Rare Bird Finds
Sprinkles, Peanut Bags, Cupcake Papers, Straws & Popcorn Bags: Hey Yo Yo}

I'm excited for my invitation supplies to come in.
I gotta get my hands on some craft pronto ;)

2nd-4th

2010-02-25T03:00:00.000-08:00

{There are some of you who have heard this story before, so feel free to ignore :)

For those who haven't

& for me

here is the story of my 2nd-4th.}

My husband asked me to marry him 4 months to the day that we began dating.

From the moment he romantically proposed to me on the beach of our first kiss, and in a song he wrote for me, I couldn't wait to be his wife.

I had prayed for him. I had walked a different path in my heart with God during my relationship with him. I knew he was my gift and mine alone.

His proposal and our few moments of solitude before sharing our excitement are something I treasure because In a heart beat, my once-in-my-lifetime moment became about everyone else.

Instantly we had parents dialing family and putting my ear to the phone to share my news.

I had directions as to who would be my bridesmaids.

I had assumptions made about the church we would be married in.

I had two dates given to me and was asked to choose one of them.

I had two sets of parents who in my 23 years of life at the time had NEVER seen get along, a relationship with my father that barely existed, a desire to have my step dad walk me down the aisle...

I had PRESSURE.

I completely broke down inside, cried all the time, and hated what was supposed to be so special to me and mine.

Instead, I was thinking about the choices I made and how they would affect everyone else....

until one month later.

One month and three days after my husband proposed, I found myself begging him to elope.

In the end, he agreed- on one condition: we tell no one.

So we hopped in the car with our two best friends and drove through the night to Las Vegas and got married.

I wore a simple skirt and blouse and made my vows before God (and a strange little man I'd hope to never see again) and with the sound of a silly fountain in the back ground.

I didn't want it to be elaborate.

I wanted it to be what it was supposed to be about

MY COVENANT WITH MY HUSBAND.

By December, we were actually pushed into revealing our secret by the pastor who would still be conducting our formal ceremony.

With individual conversations and meetings with all three sets of parents,

our marriage was in the open and we moved in together.

(Kinda crazy that as a married couple we didn't live together yet because no one knew!)

It was an incredibly difficult moment in our lives

that ended with incredible healing in our formal ceremony before our family & friends on February 25, 2006.

Our formal ceremony was where we FELT married.

We apologized to everyone we hurt

but we owned and were OK with our decision to marry the way we did.

The hus and I now have a dream of renewing our vows on our 10th anniversary in the way we would have if we had done it our way from the beginning:

on the beach of our first kiss and his proposal. ultimate simplicity

and then

one BIG party!

Happy 2nd-4th Anniversary to the Love of My Life!